Hey all,
I know this topic seems to be beaten like a dead horse and I promise I'm trying to not sound too obsessive over it, but long-story short I am the classic case w/ escalation into gay porn or exposed to gay porn as a teen and gradually found it arousing although in real life only crushed on girls and am sexually attracted to women.
Well, a big part of my issue is how the gay porn kind of spilled over into other terrible addictive habits, (that induce anxiety) like going on Craigslist and Jack'd/Grindr with the intent of just seeing whats out there but never actually doing anything - its just the rush and high it gives me of doing something so underhanded and sexually taboo. Its def. a p-sub in itself seeing the pics and ads out there.
Well... about a week ago, I put out an ad myself but I wasnt searching for a hookup, was just searching for someone to go out with me to a club or something on a friday night because none of my friends were available so I though "meh, why not ask CL" so I posted it in the strictly platonic section...well, a guy had responded and we exchanged phone numbers and all. And he wanted to meet up w me first, drink some before going out so I did. I went to his place and... long story short, the guy got the wrong idea and thought I was D/L and just posting that I want someone to go out with as a "cover up" when I really wasn't... wanted perfectly innocent companionship to talk to girls at the club...
So the entire time, he tried to get me to "loosen up" and and kept tickling my thigh with his index finger ever so subtly and put his arm around me which I was weirded out by but didn't say anything.
Well, eventually, he got in front of me (with me still sitting down), and bent down with his arms kind of trapping my head in and his hands on the couch I was sitting and then as we were debating (friendly) about something he gets closer and closer and starts talking softer and softer and eventually our lips brush each other and I had to essentially push my lips out to get from the position and it ended up being a kiss. The part that scares me (having HOCD and all) is the fact that I felt a groinal reponse/ soft erection as a result before pulling away. I was not/am not attracted to him at all yet I had this response. I told him he tried to kiss me and was into me and he got pissed at me and denied it. All night long he was trying to get me to stay and it became clear he never intended to make it to the club but wanted to hook up with me. This was a potentially very dangerous situation I put myself in.. the guy was kinda crazy. I literally had to kind of wrestle him to leave.
Anyways, I cut off all ties with him and now i know better than to even think about Craigslist, but Im sitll haunted a bit by the fact that I felt arousal during the kiss when I wasnt even attracted to him... it made my HOCD worse spike and worse... I'm at 21 days as of today and Im getting a lot better but this memory is hindering me a bit... i came here to get some thoughts and wisdom on the matter... much appreciated
I know this topic seems to be beaten like a dead horse and I promise I'm trying to not sound too obsessive over it, but long-story short I am the classic case w/ escalation into gay porn or exposed to gay porn as a teen and gradually found it arousing although in real life only crushed on girls and am sexually attracted to women.
Well, a big part of my issue is how the gay porn kind of spilled over into other terrible addictive habits, (that induce anxiety) like going on Craigslist and Jack'd/Grindr with the intent of just seeing whats out there but never actually doing anything - its just the rush and high it gives me of doing something so underhanded and sexually taboo. Its def. a p-sub in itself seeing the pics and ads out there.
Well... about a week ago, I put out an ad myself but I wasnt searching for a hookup, was just searching for someone to go out with me to a club or something on a friday night because none of my friends were available so I though "meh, why not ask CL" so I posted it in the strictly platonic section...well, a guy had responded and we exchanged phone numbers and all. And he wanted to meet up w me first, drink some before going out so I did. I went to his place and... long story short, the guy got the wrong idea and thought I was D/L and just posting that I want someone to go out with as a "cover up" when I really wasn't... wanted perfectly innocent companionship to talk to girls at the club...
So the entire time, he tried to get me to "loosen up" and and kept tickling my thigh with his index finger ever so subtly and put his arm around me which I was weirded out by but didn't say anything.
Well, eventually, he got in front of me (with me still sitting down), and bent down with his arms kind of trapping my head in and his hands on the couch I was sitting and then as we were debating (friendly) about something he gets closer and closer and starts talking softer and softer and eventually our lips brush each other and I had to essentially push my lips out to get from the position and it ended up being a kiss. The part that scares me (having HOCD and all) is the fact that I felt a groinal reponse/ soft erection as a result before pulling away. I was not/am not attracted to him at all yet I had this response. I told him he tried to kiss me and was into me and he got pissed at me and denied it. All night long he was trying to get me to stay and it became clear he never intended to make it to the club but wanted to hook up with me. This was a potentially very dangerous situation I put myself in.. the guy was kinda crazy. I literally had to kind of wrestle him to leave.
Anyways, I cut off all ties with him and now i know better than to even think about Craigslist, but Im sitll haunted a bit by the fact that I felt arousal during the kiss when I wasnt even attracted to him... it made my HOCD worse spike and worse... I'm at 21 days as of today and Im getting a lot better but this memory is hindering me a bit... i came here to get some thoughts and wisdom on the matter... much appreciated
