Reboot: Towards a happier & healthier life

[jpv21]

Hi Guys,

Let me introduce myself. My name is Pieter. In the last 1-2 year(s), it has become more and more clear to me that I have a (severe?) porn addiction. Or, well, not just porn. Also sex-chatting: Chatting about sex-dates.

I'm 26 years old, mostly unexperienced with sex, and never had a relationship. That is partly because I'm gay, and only out of the closet for 3 years. But still, I'm more and more realising that this porn/sex-chatting addiction could be the main cause.

I've had a profile at rebootnation before. I tried to stop with Porn before. But never got further than about 14 days without PMO. I guess I needed a wake-up call. A real source of motivation.

Over the last year, I escalated from watching porn to sex-chatting. This is more 'satisfying' than porn as I'm chatting with real people, so I guess it was just another form of escalating to more extreme versions of 'digital satisfaction'. I think I've been fapping to porn for over 10 years. When it became an addiction is hard to say, but for sure many years ago.

It's clear to me now that I show many signs of porn addiction: Not being able to stop, escalation of porn tastes, brain fog, etc. It also feels like my 'sexual battery' is completely drained. Still, I kept on watching porn until PMO over and over again.

I think today I got a proper wake-up call. This evening, I had a date. A 'sex-date' with someone I was sex-chatting with. And, this, 'real deal' was not by far as exciting as the fantasies and porn videos. I felt nothing. No boner. Complete ED. No horniness, no 'sexy feeling', nothing. Reading the newspaper would have been as exciting as this date. And well, he was not ugly. So. I have a problem. If I didn't know about Porn Addiction, I would be seriously confused about my sexuality right now.

So, it is time to stop. Stop watching porn. Stop with sex-chatting. Stop fapping. It's the only way out. I really feel like if I ever want a relationship, I need to get over this addiction.

So, today is the first day of my reboot. I'm aiming at 90 days without porn and sex-chatting. Perhaps I'll allow myself to have sex before that if I meet a nice guy, e.g. after 30 days. But for sure no porn & sex-chatting before I completed the 90 days nofap.

As best my time allows it,  I'll keep track here of how it is going, and how I feel.

My last PMO was yesterday, so today is day 1.

Day 1:

Mood: 6/10
Energy: 6/10
Cravings: 1/10


Cheers,
Pieter

 

[jpv21]

Day 2:

Energy 5/10
Mood 6/10
Cravings 3/10

Today went quite o.k. My energy level is is however not very high at the moment. at 5pm, my motivation & energy for is empty, so I go home. Had some slight cravings this morning, but they were easy to ignore. It also helps that I have still the experience from yesterday fresh in my mind: I can now rationalise that these cravings are nothing more than my brain wanting a dopamine shot.

My mood was also o.k., not too happy but also not unhappy.  Just the standard 'grey' experience of life I've had for years, probably due to the porn addiction.

Tomorrow, if I can get up early, I'll go for a swim in the pool before work. Perhaps that'll give me a bit of an energy boost to make it till the weekend.

 

[jpv21]

Day 6. 

Relapse. I was stupid.  I kept 1 of my sex-chatting accounts open. Why? Dunno. Maybe part of me didn't want that door closed. 
And inevitably, I started thinking about the account, then 'just looking', then chatting, and then.. relapse.

So. I now removed this account as well. Deleted all dating apps from my phone. And, the most difficult one, I threw away my entire porn collection.
It's serious now.

This 'empty'  date last monday was a clear lesson: these sex-chatting fantasies are just in my head. They are nothing more than my addicted brain wanting a dopamine shot.
I need to reset.

Despite the relapse, I think last week went quite o.k.
I exercised once, meditated every morning, and kept my healty diet.

I also bought a rowing trainer, so I can exercise regularly in the early mornings, even if the weather is shit outside. 
With a healthy diet, regular exercise, and daily meditation I can do this!

 

[jpv21]

Day 1.

Mood 5/10
Energy 5/10
Cravings 1/10

Today, the first day after my relapse went quite o.k.  Although I feel energetically definately not as good as before my relapse. My energy levels are lower, I feel less motivated, and the brain fog is back.  So even these few days rebooting apparently already had some small effects.

I also see now quite clear how this porn addiction with PIED is making me feel insecure.  Today I went to the new-years drink at my local gay association. And there were some nice guys. But as usual, I didn't feel the motivation to approach them and talk to them. I realize now that this is because I know deep down there is no point, as I'm sexually numb right now. I also almost feel no sexual attraction anymore, just like 1% of what it naturally should be.

All the more reason thus to continue this healing journey. Hopefully somewhere in the coming months, I'll get these feelings back to normal.

But for now, keep on rebooting, meditating and exercising.

 

[jpv21]

Day 2.

Mood 6/10
Energy 5/10
Cravings 3/10

Not much difference today with yesterday.  The more clear & energetic mood I was in before relapse is still gone. Cravings increased slightly, but still nothing I cannot handle.

I'm also continuing on with meditation, at least 10 minutes a day. I'm following a basic course through an app on my phone, and I have to say it makes me feel a little bit more in control of my mind.
So I agree with other reports that it clearly helps with rebooting. Tomorrow morning I'm going for the first swim of the year.  It will be a huge willpower challenge, to get up early to start swimming at 7:30, but it will be of huge benefit to get a weekly swim into my routine. And this type of exercise should for sure help me heal my brain faster.

 

[bobitkitkit]

Hey I think it?s great that you?re trying your best to get rid of this addiction. The first and most important step is to realise that your life is going to be better without porn. We all have to start somewhere and many of us have had similar experiences with porn escalating towards sex chats. Actually I?ve had some experiences of the same kind and never realised until I read your posts. Haha well it doesn?t matter now because this is all going to be a thing of the past. Wish you the very best in your reboot journey.

 

[jpv21]

Hey I think it?s great that you?re trying your best to get rid of this addiction. The first and most important step is to realise that your life is going to be better without porn. We all have to start somewhere and many of us have had similar experiences with porn escalating towards sex chats. Actually I?ve had some experiences of the same kind and never realised until I read your posts. Haha well it doesn?t matter now because this is all going to be a thing of the past. Wish you the very best in your reboot journey.

Thanks man!  Yeah I'm really convinced that sex-chatting can be as bad or even worse than porn. In my case, I already knew every time I had no intention to actually date with the person I was chatting with. I was only fantasizing, edging and fapping during the whole chat, until I reached climax. After that I would regret or be disgusted about what I was chatting about just moments ago. So exactly the same as fapping to porn.  I think if the sole goal of chatting would be to date for real, it could be a different story, but for me that was never the case, because I knew I would be worthless anyway because of PIED.

So for me Porn equals Sex-chatting, and I'm getting rid of both of them  8)

 

[jpv21]

Day 3

Energy 1/10
Mood 6/10
Cravings 0/10
Happiness 8/10

Willpower challenge completed! I don't know how I did it, but I woke up at 6:30, had a quick breakfast, grabbed my stuff, and went to the pool. Swam for 20 minutes at maximum intensity.
There was definitely some social anxiety that tried to stop me. The same anxiety that always stopped me from going for a swim: I've been trying to get myself to go to the pool for over 5 weeks now. I was always too scared: Scared that I would make a fool of myself because I have no physical condition.

But now, I just went for a swim. And, I was one of the faster swimmers!  8) 
Whether its the meditation or the absence of porn that made me conquer the anxiety, I don't know. But I felt really good after that swim. I felt confident. I felt strong.

But now I'm completely exhausted, cause well, I exercised for 20 minutes at maximum intensity.  So I'm aiming for 9 hours of sleep tonight. See how energetic I feel tomorrow.

One nice things, today I experienced 0 cravings. Whether that's because I was so exhausted or because of a strengthened willpower, dunno. But it's a nice development.

 

[jpv21]

Day 4

Energy 5/10
Cravings 6/10
Happiness 7/10

Today went o.k.  This morning I woke up quite 'broken'. Still properly tired from my workout. During the day I started feeling better and better. But, right now now my energy is drained, so I'm going to bed early again.  I guess my body really wasn't used anymore to a proper workout 

I'm noticing a development in my cravings. They are getting more frequent and stronger. The silence before the storm is over. I need to stay alert now. My brain is trying to trick me into relapse. But I'm not giving in. This is a good sign. It means my brain is craving for dopamine, which it won't get from PMO. Time for my brain to start rewiring!

Curious how the cravings will develop the coming days....

I'm for sure keeping on with meditation. And, friday I'm joining a yoga class.
I'll wait for my next swimming workout till sunday, as I don't want to be too exhausted for Yoga. Too bad, as I'm really looking forward to my next swim!

 

[jpv21]

Day 5

Energy 5/10
Cravings 7/10
Happiness 6.5/10
Motivation/Willpower 7/10

Another day has flown by.  Still on track, no relapse. Although things are getting tougher. The cravings are getting a bit stronger.  I think I've entered a dopamine low.
My energy levels are dropping, my motivation & 'joy in life' are getting weaker. During the day, I still feel kinda o.k., but at 6pm I'm completely drained.
Also in the mornings I'm not really energetic. All signs of dopamine deficiency. The evenings are the danger zones; at these times, the cravings are strongest, and my willpower is the weakest. It's tough, but nothing I can't handle. I fully know that PMO is no way out. The only way out is reboot.
Wonder how long until I feel any improvement.

Tomorrow yoga. Hope that will make me feel a bit better.

 

[KW1989KW]

jpv21,

Keep up the hard work. Try focusing on something like a hobby or finding a way to fill your time after 6pm. I found I was weakest and more susceptible to a possible relapse in a time of being bored. Something that helped me through this reboot was to work on bettering a couple aspects of my life while rebooting. When I felt I had accomplished those tasks I moved to a couple more. For example; I started working out and meditating. While I still focus on those things, I got to a point where I felt I could start bettering something else. So I started reading and becoming more knowledgeable. I continued that until I felt happy with who I was. By no means am I 100% there, but it took a lot of discipline and "STEPS" to get me here. I am now at a point of being happy with me (relatively) and would like to focus on finding a woman. Someone I can share life with. I feel I am at a point where my "person" is needed to completely fulfill my reboot. Just step back and think of how P ruined your life or so you think it has. The horrible things it has done to you and prohibited you from doing and then say to yourself, do you really want to go back?

This process works better when you focus on a couple aspects within your life at a time. Once you've mastered those aspects just move to the next while retaining what you've already learned/ completed. Also, spread the word and help others. It's helped me tremendously.

Have faith in this process and good things will eventually come.

Best of luck Sir,

ImOnMyWay

 

[jpv21]

jpv21,

Keep up the hard work. Try focusing on something like a hobby or finding a way to fill your time after 6pm. I found I was weakest and more susceptible to a possible relapse in a time of being bored. Something that helped me through this reboot was to work on bettering a couple aspects of my life while rebooting. When I felt I had accomplished those tasks I moved to a couple more. For example; I started working out and meditating. While I still focus on those things, I got to a point where I felt I could start bettering something else. So I started reading and becoming more knowledgeable. I continued that until I felt happy with who I was. By no means am I 100% there, but it took a lot of discipline and "STEPS" to get me here. I am now at a point of being happy with me (relatively) and would like to focus on finding a woman. Someone I can share life with. I feel I am at a point where my "person" is needed to completely fulfill my reboot. Just step back and think of how P ruined your life or so you think it has. The horrible things it has done to you and prohibited you from doing and then say to yourself, do you really want to go back?

This process works better when you focus on a couple aspects within your life at a time. Once you've mastered those aspects just move to the next while retaining what you've already learned/ completed. Also, spread the word and help others. It's helped me tremendously.

Have faith in this process and good things will eventually come.

Best of luck Sir,

ImOnMyWay

Thanks! That means a lot! I totally agree, having a 'goal' to work on helps a lot! In the last week, I've pretty much enjoyed just spending 1-2 hours before bed on meditating, reading, and listening to calm music. Something I haven't done in years. And it definitely gives me peace of mind!
I'm also joinin a Yoga class, and am thinking of going rock-climbing on the thursday nights, so plenty of disctractions from the Porn-cravings

 

[jpv21]

Day 8.

Still on track. Last days were rough though.  Friday morning I woke up with a sour throat, and friday evening I was lying on the couch under a blanket with a serious cold. Spent the whole Saturday also on the couch watching TV. I was bored out of my mind. And because of that, I came close to relapse. I didn't fap, but I spent some time "just having a look" on my old favourite sex-chatting websites. "Just to see who was there".

Whether it was me being sick, or already a stronger willpower, It didn't give me the same extreme excitement as it used to. I think that yes, my willpower is getting stronger. Perhaps the meditation helped me there.  Today, I'm already feeling that I'm recovering from my cold. And, I decided once more that I'm not interested in these sex-chatting sites or porn-sites. I need to reboot. Recover. Get ready for the "real stuff".

And I feel more & more, that the best way to have real sex again would be with someone I know & trust. Not a stranger from the internet. 
The thing is, I'm still a virgin. Never had a relationship. And yeah, I'm 26 years old.  That makes me feel embarrassed. Most guys these days lose their virginity before 20 or even 18.
Part of the reason I haven't dated someone (as in casual date, no sex date) in years is because of that, I feel I'm "not enough" for him sexually.  Of course, I know that it doesn't make sense. Someone who doesn't accept me the way I am is not worth dating with. Perhaps, I mostly feel insecure I feel that my body is not ready to have sex due to the porn addiction. I just know I won't even be able to get a boner, so what's the point of even trying.

Hopefully, with this reboot my long-asleep natural sexual energy will come back. Perhaps it will help me to become more confident to actually start dating again. That's my final goal out of this reboot. To say goodbye to the porn, and find someone special, to have a real & intimate relationship with.

 

[jpv21]

Day 11.

Relapse.

What happened? I found another sex-chatting website. I was stupid. I listened to the little voice inside my head. I started to feel urges come up. Vague, sexual urges. The little voice inside my head was telling me I can perfectly have a reboot and also have sex dates. So, I got slowly, step by step, closer to relapsing. First, I just had a look at who was there. Then, I started chatting with people, without fapping. Surprisingly, I managed to do this for 4 evenings without touching my penis. But then, of course, at the end, I lost control and started fapping. And, I reached orgasm.

So. I am for sure dissapointed. But I also learned.  cannot even visit sex-chatting sites during my reboot.  Even if I manage to visit the sites without fapping for several days, at the end, it always leads to relapse.

Actually, the last few days were also quite a good 'experiment'. Because basically, My attention to the outside world was completely absent during the last days.  When I visit porn/sex-chatting websites, I cannot focus. I feel agitated. I have no willpower. I'm not interested in other people.  My brain sort of knows that there is a possibility for a higher dopamine shot. So why should it focus on chatting with friends, eat healthy or doing normal fun things?

The simple conclusion is thus that a positive, healthy and productive life is not possible with an active porn/sex-chatting addiction.
I need to close the door, lock it, and throw away the key.


And I need to keep an eye on my triggers. I've identified some now:
-Boredom

-Anxiety/Stress --> Wanting to run away & hide into the addiction
-Feeling sexually insecure. This is a big one. Because I feel I'm a sexual noob and 'not good enough' as dating material, the little voice in my head tells me to have a sex-date --> Through a sex-chatting website, which will always lead to relapse.  I realize now very clearly, that I don't want to lose my virginity with a stranger. I want to lose it with someone I like and trust. Someone who truly cares about me.  Someone I will never find through a sex-chatting website.

So. I installed a DNS filter for all porn and sex-chatting related websites.

And I'm just picking up where I left off. Daily meditation, exercise regularly, healthy food.
I went from 6 days without PMO to 11 days without PMO. I'm growing, and learning.

 

[jpv21]

Day 1.

First day after the last relapse.  Today was horrible. I was so tired. Because of the fapping last night, I went to bed at 00:45, and had to wake up at 7:15. So I was properly exhausted for basically the whole day. I also think this sex-chatting and fapping sucks up a lot of energy. 

Looking back op the last few days, I was so incredibly unproductive and chaotic..  Clearly shows that I need to keep on fighting this addiction.

And I did quite ok today. Also last night. Directly after my PMO, I meditated for 10 minutes. And this morning I meditated again for 10 minutes. So I'm getting back on track. Tomorrow morning I wanna go swimming, and then in the afternoon, yoga. Lets keep the good stuff going

 

[jpv21]

Relapse. 

Chaser effect I guess.

It feels like my willpower got knocked out by the last relapse, and it's still recovering.  I was doing so good last week..
So, I'm taking all possible measures to recover my willpower. This weekend, I want to meditate at least 30 minutes a day. And sunday I'm going swimming.

I lost the last battle, but I'm not gonna lose the war.  I still know this is what I want. I want more, deeper friendships. I want a boyfriend. I want a healthy and happy life.
And a life full of PMO is incompatible with that.

 

[The Indomitable]

Hey bro dont give up.  You can do it.  Forgive yourself and move on, I know it sucks but keep trying, every moment free is a victory.  Remember what your fighting for.

 

[jpv21]

Ok. Let me be honest.

This weekend, I hit rock bottom.  Relapsed several times. Basically spent the whole weekend sitting on the couch, tv on, and browsing through sex-chatting websites.
Full on relapse. I'm basically now back to square one.

My orgasms are empty: I barely enjoy it, and only 'water' comes out. This is so clearly just my addicted brain. This has nothing to do with normal sexual urges.

Perhaps this had to happen. During my 10 day streak, I thought that some natural sexual urges were coming back. That's why I relapsed in the first place. I was fooled. I thought I could try find someone to date for sex. But it was a trap. The natural sexual urges did not come back. They were the addiction-cravings. I need to be honest with myself. This is not a short term fight. It's a war. And it will take several months to win.
I cannot visit any kind of dating site for the coming 2-3 months. I need to be strict on myself: My next orgasm should be with a partner. From real sex. Intimate sex. With someone I know, trust, and deeply care about. Not someone I found on a sex-dating site for sure.

Basically, I need to learn to detect, isolate and then ignore any kind of craving. I should be in charge. Me. My willpower. Not any random craving that pops up.

 

[jpv21]

Day 1.

Today went pretty good. Woke up at 6:30, and went swimming for 25 minutes. I really felt the benefits of an early swim throughout the whole day. My anxiety was a bit lower, my willpower is getting stronger again. And, I just feel a bit better.  I still feel urges, my addicted brain is still screaming for dopamine in the background. But I'm able to ignore it now. There is only 1 way forward. A PMO-free life.

Rebooting from porn/sex-chatting addiction, combined with daily meditation and regular exercise just makes me a better person. I experienced that before my reboot, and now I'm already feeling a little bit of that coming back. 
Let's continue this healthy lifestyle!

Mood: 7/10
Energy: 6/10
Willpower: 6/10
Anxiety: 6/10

 

[jpv21]

Day 2.

Cravings are coming back. My brain is begging for a dopamine shot right now. But im not giving in. My willpower is getting stronger.
I'm getting more and more convinced that excercise really boosts the reboot process. I feel much more confident, clear and happy after excercise. Still, I feel it's like 5% of how energetic I could feel when my brain is rebalanced, but it's already better than when I'm fapping to porn.

One thing I keep struggling with is tiredness. I now generally feel tired every day after ~16pm. I think, and hope that this is also caused by the porn addiction.

So, lets keep this healing process going.