quit for good

joepanic · Mar 3, 2021

Sun is shining its a bit warmer and I seem to be in a good groove these days getting things done mind is in the right place A bit anxious about work but than I am every year at this time As a seasonal worker from mid March till Christmas every year I find there is never a guarantee I will be back. Something I will have to live with for perhaps another 7 years and I hope to call it a day. Our own business is growing quite nicely and if push came to shove on the job front I could possibly retire sooner I just dont want to yet
This is something again that used to be a trigger for me for porn use but not anymore another improvement I suppose Its all in the confidence thing and mine has grown slowly. I just wish it would grow a little more perhaps in time

Post often it helps me it helps you

joepanic · Mar 4, 2021

Having done some reading of others journals this morning one struck me as sounding pretty familiar and I basically responded with this. Its pretty much an idea of a tactic that I used that perhaps anyone new or seasoned in this fight could use

I think we all go through those thoughts of "is this really the end of something that has been such a huge part of my life?" . I have read that all addicts of every sort go through that. Its almost like the concept of being institutionalized. Like those who spend 30 years in jail They cant live on the outside. For me I think that was one of the toughest things to get past. Over a 3 year period I slowly began to experiment with things that I knew were going to be 100% successful. Learned to change a shower tap. I learned to create a basic Excel spreadsheet. As time went on and my confidence grew I attempted more things. This gave me something more to think about. At the same time I began to work on my health. Lost weight and learned how the human body works. I think the key to success is to be able to replace those old thoughts with new ones.

Cheers

Post often it helps me it helps you

Phineas 808 · Mar 4, 2021

That's certainly helpful, as I can relate to the line of thought.

Comparing it to being institutionalized makes sense. Now we're 'on our own' emotionally, as it were, and learning how to deal with life in its raw and sometimes ugly forms, without running to hide behind P/MO. Also, learning how to cut this thing lose, not only as a former habit, but as to emphasize the former part, that it is indeed over in our lives.

Very helpful posts, Joe!

LetItGoAlready · Mar 4, 2021

I think we all go through those thoughts of "is this really the end of something that has been such a huge part of my life?"

Yeah, those thoughts have been crossing my mind a lot lately. Even as I've started to make more substantial gains in recovery, I still occasionally give in to feelings of self-doubt. It's just hard to believe that I can truly move on from something I've been dependent on for so long. The pain I've caused myself and others, the constant emotional ups and downs, the shame and loneliness I felt because of it - I somehow grew accustomed to all of that and it eventually became a very large and formidable mental prison.

It's really inspiring to hear how you escaped that prison (or institution) by setting yourself up for success and growing your confidence to attempt more things. Thanks for sharing, jp!

joepanic · Mar 5, 2021

Thanks for the insight Letitgo.

Its funny how sometimes I can go a few days and my "porn history" never enters my mind. Which to me is a really big thing. But other times the thought that I was a porn addict just hangs around. I suppose it is what it is. I just try to put it out of my mind and move forward. Another improvement I noticed today was how a certain trigger is not affecting me anymore like it used to Again touchy subject.... I find my wife's control issues frustrating sometimes. Its a mild manipulative sort of thing and there were times when I was alone and thought about her in regards to that issue , very often it led me to porn. Well today my thoughts drifted in that direction and than onto how I used to medicate that issue with a porn binge. And I thought to myself wow I have grown or gained strength to not let myself be defeated this way. Only issue is I havent found another way to work around that issue I suppose maybe that will come in time.

Post often it helps me it helps you

joepanic · Mar 6, 2021

Not sure how today is going to go We are always so busy and behind the 8 ball around here.... This used to be a trigger and to some degree I suppose it still is. Only difference is I now have the strength to hold off acting out because of it. And again I now have to find another way to cope with the stress that is brought on by being so busy. This I suppose is where the real learning and growing is going to come in. Again time will tell how that plays out. Made love to the wife last night. Was better than the last few times more relaxed. And this brings me to an interesting topic. How many of us made love to our wives based on what we were indoctrinated with by watching all that porn. I know I had a specific view on how sex should be because of porn. And that seems to have changed recently. I can't say that I ever pushed my wife into anything she was really uncomfortable with. The big thing was feeling like I had to keep going to make her satisfied when she was probably already satisfied. Basically wear her out. There were two issues to this. 1 was porn was really my biggest instruction manual since they don't really teach much about sex ed. in school. So you wind up getting your knowledge somewhere and porn was it. The other is my wife never wanting to have a good conversation as to what she likes and dislikes when it comes to sex. Again a lack of communication can of course cause misunderstandings. Oh to be able to mind read......

Post often it helps me it helps you

joepanic · Mar 7, 2021

So yesterday went good all things considered so busy these days

Topped off my night last night with a few drinks... well maybe more than a few drinks Been a long time since I did that. Again a time that used to be a trigger moment. Alone with a bunch of drinks in me and bored. Back when I was on porn i just felt like I didn't have what it took to do some of the things I wanted to. And of course when drunk the feeling were always stronger so just took the easy road... porn to feel better. I am pleasantly surprised that it never even entered my mind last night. Gonna get on with my day may post again later stay tuned

Post often it helps me it helps you

joepanic · Mar 8, 2021

Day I haven't a clue its been so long

I am not even sure what to write about today. Can't come up with a topic that hasn't been covered more than once here Will gove it some thought. Any ideas Id be glad to elaborate or give my insight

cheers

Post often it helps me it helps you

joepanic · Mar 8, 2021

I'm a bit curious here and I am sure I'm going to open up a can of whoopass but that's ok as long as it creates meaningful conversation. But I would like to pose a question here and that is Did anyone here turn to porn because their spouse was witholding sex for any reason. There is much info on this online think I'll go do some reading

post often it helps me it helps you

escapeandnevercomeback · Mar 9, 2021

joepanic said:
I'm a bit curious here and I am sure I'm going to open up a can of whoopass but that's ok as long as it creates meaningful conversation. But I would like to pose a question here and that is Did anyone here turn to porn because their spouse was witholding sex for any reason. There is much info on this online think I'll go do some reading

post often it helps me it helps you

I don't have a wife but being sexually frustrated is one of the biggest reasons why I'm so deep with porn. It's like "how the hell am I supposed to get my sexual satisfaction?" It's like porn became my sex life in a way and I hate this. Porn is the worst thing you can do as a replacement for sex life. Fuck.

joepanic · Mar 9, 2021

Thanks for responding Escape

Yes I think you hit it on the head by saying porn is a poor replacement for real sex but then what else was there. That was a huge part of my problem being single till I was pretty much 34 by which point I was addicted Married for 15 years and addicted to porn How the hell did my wife never figure that out.(cue the partners comments on that one) Mind you I never neglected her. I suppose thats the reason for my last post If it was anyone neglecting anyone it was her neglecting me but not in any vindictive way. Just life getting in the way of things which brings me to post the following videos which are more for people in relationships than singles I suppose Might I ask if there is a reason that is keeping you single?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LVgzOyHVcj4

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ep2MAx95m20

Post often it helps me it helps you

escapeandnevercomeback · Mar 9, 2021

I think porn is the reason why I'm single, to be honest.

joepanic · Mar 10, 2021

Thanks for the conversation Escape

Like you I am sure porn held me back somewhat from forming a real relationship with a woman. Buts lets be honest. This is probably a what came 1st situation the chicken or the egg. Was porn the cause of not having a relationship or was not having a relationship the cause for going to porn. Do to our ages I'm guessing its more since we couldn't find a meaningful relationship we turned to porn to fill the void and than it became an obstacle to ever forming one. In my case I eventually did because at age 33 I said enough I was tired of being broke single barely educated with a dead end job and hanging with a bunch of friends who would never have considered what I was going through. It was ridiculous the way they carried on. The amount of dope they smoked the sense of entitlement they had, How they expected help from you but could never offer any in return until they did get their lives in order and left you behind. I think you get the idea. Well at age 33 I walked away from it all stopped spending money and got my life in order in pretty much every way except dealing with my porn addiction(which I didn't even understand was an addiction until 2017) I eventually married and have been for almost 14 years. To be honest I am giving up porn for my own reasons and not actually for my wife. She never cared that I looked at porn. I just hate the way it sucked up my time. I know a lot of this really doesn't pertain to your case but this part might. After I have up porn I found it so much easier to talk to people. I found that they were interested in what I had to say and to me as a person. I have done many things I never thought I had the ability to do Perhaps when you are clean of porn you can start looking at other areas of your life You might surprise yourself

Post often it helps me it helps you

joepanic · Mar 11, 2021

Its been a long time since I have chatted in a sex chat and the urges had all but disappeared until last night. it was the 1st time in weeks that I actually had an urge to go to a chat room and act out an old scenario. I am not sure why I didn't. It might be that I am now stronger than the urge was or the fact that I do have a filter on my computer (it would probably take me half an hour to get past it). In the end I didn't give in. The whole time the urge was there I was thinking do I really want to go back there? After a while I just went to bed. This morning I woke up thinking about the experience and questioning why it might have happened after so long. And it popped into my mind the reason might have been escape. As I type this I realize how stressed we are as a family here How busy we are how much stuff we have and things can't get done because you have to spend half the day trying to move and organize things just to get started. My wife wants this stuff done but can never give an answer to a question. Or doesn't like the solution that I come up with.
And as I was thinking about it while typing this I thought Yes this is exactly the time I would have said to myself "forget it I'm not dealing with it" and off to chat or porn I would escape. Now logically I know that would be a bad move and I would still be left with the same problem I started out with. I guess it does go to show that time does reset the dopamine levels. Reset them enough to be able to rationalize things. So I suppose now is the time to use that knowledge and slug it out and wait for better days ahead (if I can ever get some free time and space ha ha

Cheers

Post often it helps me it helps you

escapeandnevercomeback · Mar 11, 2021

joepanic said:
Thanks for the conversation Escape

Like you I am sure porn held me back somewhat from forming a real relationship with a woman. Buts lets be honest. This is probably a what came 1st situation the chicken or the egg. Was porn the cause of not having a relationship or was not having a relationship the cause for going to porn. Do to our ages I'm guessing its more since we couldn't find a meaningful relationship we turned to porn to fill the void and than it became an obstacle to ever forming one. In my case I eventually did because at age 33 I said enough I was tired of being broke single barely educated with a dead end job and hanging with a bunch of friends who would never have considered what I was going through. It was ridiculous the way they carried on. The amount of dope they smoked the sense of entitlement they had, How they expected help from you but could never offer any in return until they did get their lives in order and left you behind. I think you get the idea. Well at age 33 I walked away from it all stopped spending money and got my life in order in pretty much every way except dealing with my porn addiction(which I didn't even understand was an addiction until 2017) I eventually married and have been for almost 14 years. To be honest I am giving up porn for my own reasons and not actually for my wife. She never cared that I looked at porn. I just hate the way it sucked up my time. I know a lot of this really doesn't pertain to your case but this part might. After I have up porn I found it so much easier to talk to people. I found that they were interested in what I had to say and to me as a person. I have done many things I never thought I had the ability to do Perhaps when you are clean of porn you can start looking at other areas of your life You might surprise yourself

Post often it helps me it helps you

Yes, our stories present similarities. I understand what you mean by saying "Was porn the cause of not having a relationship or was not having a relationship the cause for going to porn. Do to our ages I'm guessing its more since we couldn't find a meaningful relationship we turned to porn to fill the void and than it became an obstacle to ever forming one." I can relate to this. Like I used to say, porn sort of became my "sex life" and the worst thing to do to fill the void of a sexless life. I never had big PIED problems. It would maybe manifest for a few days after a porn relapse but if I go without porn for not a long time, I don't experience ED. This has never been the reason why I wanted to quit porn in the first place, but all the shit that it's done to my brain in all this time and the subsequent repercussions that manifested in social anxiety, lack of motivation, difficulty to focus and memorize/remember things, lack of energy and an overall "sucker lifestyle" where I didn't accomplish anything but wanted to do a lot. When I said that I thought porn kept me from stopping being single, I was talking about the lack of motivation to succeed in dating and the social anxiety that keeps me from talking to people and especially girls. I also understand what you mean by saying that you are more successful in socializing after quitting porn. I've noticed this in the past after a period of abstinence from porn. I did better with people. It was like my body language was different and they registered that and wanted to be with me more. It all changed after a binge that crashed me back to earth, unfortunately. Anyway, best of luck to you.

joepanic · Mar 12, 2021

Thanks for the conversation Escape.

I think that is something that's not really given much thought here sometimes. And that is that as much as we may have become addicted many years ago and are trying to get better, there are things happening today that make it difficult. They usually have to do with our marriages or possible future relationships . But it seems if it is brought up now its all our fault end of story. Were porn addicts so that makes us selfish uncaring blah blah blah and we just cause damage to the ones we love . This to a degree I believe hinders recovery at least it did in my case to a small degree from people both on and off this forum. I suppose both addict and those affected by the addicts behavior need healing and support but how do you find a balance. I can not help those affected by my addiction heal until I have gained control of myself, Which I definitely have. But it really was an uphill battle. Now the consolation prize is that I have become a much stronger man as a result of that uphill battle.

So today I feel I can give a little insight or advice to those both starting out and those who have been working hard over time to beat this addiction and that's a tip on managing triggers. The one trigger you hear about so often is that of "being alone" This I had experienced many times when the kids went off to school, wife off to work, and I have a free day with a house to myself. My suggestion is simply go outside and walk around the block. Set a time limit on it 30 minutes or something Even if you do it with the intention of coming back and acting out anyway. Two things are going to happen. One is you will probably think about your addiction while on your walk and possibly(and their is no guarantee here) manage the urge or trigger and not surf it. Or you will come back and surf it anyway. But in the end you will have broken a typical pattern in some small way. Instead of a 5 hour binge you will only have a 4 1/2 hour binge .
I challenge anyone who is still relapsing to give it a try and let me know the result. It is something that's small and very manageable and can be built on over time

For me breaking patterns was such a huge part of abstaining from porn. In the end before I actually kicked it my surf sessions had averaged a few minutes rather than the 4-5 hour sessions I was so used to

Cheers Post often it helps me it helps you

escapeandnevercomeback · Mar 13, 2021

Joepanic, thanks for advice.

I've tried in the past to leave my home when I had strong craving to engage in my behavior, only to return and do it anyway. I think I need to start with the psychological factor first. Being sexually frustrated (aka long dry spell) is not helping either.

joepanic · Mar 14, 2021

A wonderfully sunny day although a bit chilly today

Msde love to the wife last night and It was probably the best in a very long time. For some reason she was not doing her typical roll of giving me the impression we would make love and making me try to figure it out. That usually just left me somewhat frustrated because I would overheat under the covers and found it actually difficult to stay hard which of course made her wonder as to my intentions But last night she got right into it right away A much better experience for sure. Ive noticed that I am in such a better mood today. Felt more like a team effort than a battle of wits. I will be sure to let her know how much more enjoyable it was for me last night.

Thanks for the conversation Escape My suggesting going for a walk when an urge hits was mainly to help break a pattern I would go for a walk sometimes knowing I would come right back and pmo but sometimes my walks got longer sometimes to the point where the urge was gone and I came to my senses. For me it was all about breaking patterns

Cheers

Post often it helps me it helps you

joepanic · Mar 15, 2021

Today looks more like yesterday but its a bit cooler out I seem to be cruising along in a pretty good place for the most part I am trying to always look forward and not back. I don't want to define my life as that of an ex porn addict But there are people in my life or situations that do make it difficult to leave that part of my life behind. They do not know I was a major porn addict for all those years and as a result of that I had a certain personality or lived my life a certain way. It was so easy to point out my shortcomings as a person or my lack of growth and I suppose drew their own conclusions. Now that I am becoming quite successful in many areas of my life or appearing to be living a much more "normal" life some are having a hard time coping with that. It sort of goes to show you how bad off the human condition really is at times

Post often it helps me it helps you

joepanic · Mar 16, 2021

Is it me or is it getting quiet in our forum again 2 days ago I don't think there was one posting Where is everyone

Post often it helps me it helps you

quit for good

Respected Member

Respected Member

Moderator

Active Member

Respected Member

Respected Member

Respected Member

Respected Member

Respected Member

escapeandnevercomeback

Guest

Respected Member

escapeandnevercomeback

Guest

Respected Member

Respected Member

escapeandnevercomeback

Guest

Respected Member

escapeandnevercomeback

Guest

Respected Member

Respected Member

Respected Member