quit for good

Nick Simons

Active Member
Hey Joe,

Yes I have noticed the lull as well - although I don't have a lot of history here to compare against.  Appreciate all your posts though bro!  ... keeps me coming back to check in, read the flow of thoughts (although I don't always post comments), and most importantly has created a sort of loose accountability network / outlet which I find has been a big part of keeping me sane these last 3 weeks.     

Also, I just wanted to pick up on the point you made a few days ago when you said, "Now that I am becoming quite successful in many areas of my life  or appearing to be living a much more "normal" life some are having a hard time coping with that.  It sort of goes to show you how bad off the human condition really is at times."

So far in my 20 day stretch, no one in my direct interactions has expressed any difficulties coping with the "new me", ... but I have noticed a few times where people have been a bit surprised (pleasantly) by what I have said or done (i.e. I feel I am becoming more accepting and giving now vs. when I was living in "zombie mode" before when I was living with my old porn habits). 

It may just be too early for them to see real changes happening in me, but it is a great "heads up" for me to be aware of so that when I start to hear people making comments (even if meant in a constructive way) I need to be open / flexible to the reality that I'm not the only one who is going to be changing - my evolution to the new me will also cause others to change as well ... and people generally don't like to change (even if it is for the better). 

Anyway, I think the learning for me is just to be aware that this is on the horizon and to go with the flow as others go through their own change cycle as I am processing mine.  Thanks for your insights.



 

workinprogressUK

Well-Known Member
joepanic said:
I don't want to define my life as that of an ex porn addict  But there are people in my life  or situations that do make it difficult to leave that part of my life behind.  They do not know I was a major porn addict for all those years and as a result of that I had a certain personality  or lived my life a certain way.  It was so easy to point out my shortcomings as a person or my lack of growth  and I suppose drew their own conclusions.  Now that I am becoming quite successful in many areas of my life  or appearing to be living a much more "normal" life some are having a hard time coping with that.  It sort of goes to show you how bad off the human condition really is at times

I can relate to that. When I was acting out, I exhibited some traits that I'm glad no longer apply A lot of people I knew "put me in a box", based on those past traits. We're human, right? We judge. But it seems to have been easier for me to change those traits, than it has been for some acquaintances to forget the box. Sometimes I resent that. Sometimes I feel belittled by it. I try.... without always succeeding... to recognise it as their issue and not mine. In some cases, I've accepted that those people maybe aren't on my team after all, and had to leave relationships behind. I guess the most important thing is that I don't keep myself in their old box. Manage the things that are in my influence and don't sweat the rest.
 

joepanic

Respected Member
Good morning 

        Kind of running on a cruise control these days  which is fine by me.  I have now changed the patterns enough and found enough tools to easily manage life after being a porn addict.  A few examples are  I work much more on hobbies. I look forward to spending my time doing them. They are filling  the times when  I would have been at high risk to just go and act out.  Instead of defining myself as a porn addict I am defining myself as a musician.  Instead of 10 hours a week surfing porn and 1 hour a week if I was lucky practicing, I am now practicing 5-6 hours a week.  The difference is caused just by my fingers  getting  tired after playing for an hour at a time. But I feel I will play even more in the coming months and years.  I am more enthusiastic about it.  Another example is if we are watching tv or a movie and there is a topless scene or something along that line, the trigger of course still appears.  It just doesn't lead to an urge. It does lead to a memory though. A memory that for a long time was that I might sneak off and hit the computer.  I do enjoy the scene  and I think this is one of the biggest changes and that is  I am able to keep the scene in context.  I leave it where it is. A part of a story. Someone else's story.  I am just watching it.  I  still have old chat scenes pop into my head. But these seem to  leave my head not long after.  I think its  basically a conscious effort on my part to say If I act out on this  I am going to feel like shit later.  I suppose that's an increase in just plain old fashioned  willpower.  I would like a better solution to that one  but perhaps that will come in time.

    WIP    thanks for tuning in and putting your insight into  the topic of personality change.  This quote  you put in as a response to mine hit the nail I started hammering in right on the head.

    " I can relate to that. When I was acting out, I exhibited some traits that I'm glad no longer apply A lot of people I knew "put me in a box", based on those past traits. We're human, right? We judge. But it seems to have been easier for me to change those traits, than it has been for some acquaintances to forget the box. Sometimes I resent that. Sometimes I feel belittled by it. I try.... without always succeeding... to recognise it as their issue and not mine. In some cases, I've accepted that those people maybe aren't on my team after all, and had to leave relationships behind. I guess the most important thing is that I don't keep myself in their old box. Manage the things that are in my influence and don't sweat the rest."

    I never thought to think of it that some people had put me in a "box"  But looking back that's exactly how it felt.  I suppose in a way  since they didn't know of my addiction and struggle what else could they have done.  As you say  we are all just human.  With me it got to the point where I had drifted from many of them  anyway.  Now that I have healed the wounds in myself it is time to get building  and see how  it turns out.  When I emerge  many will wonder  about me and How I all of a sudden I changed.  My answer will be "Well perhaps I found your personalities too strong for me to handle and went off and "found" myself.
  It will be how their  reaction  to that statement that will define the future relationship. Because at the end of the day  they were a small part of my  problem of escaping to porn.  In a nutshell they better be prepared to accept my success.

    Cheers

    Post often it helps me it helps you
 

joepanic

Respected Member
almost midnight here and I'm on for the 1st time today

  Its coming to the point that I don't really know what to talk about here anymore  I've long since stopped counting the days. And I have been over insights 2 or 3 or more times. Might be time to seriously consider booking my date to post a success story. After that who knows

      Cheers

    Post often it helps me it helps you 
 

joepanic

Respected Member
I'm finally confident in saying  this process works  It just takes a lot of time.

      In my case upwards of 3 years.  This posting is probably more meant for the new guys who have come on board in the last few days.  By process I mean  not just "trying" to abstain from porn for 90 days but in finding  the tools to fight the battle  finding what works and what doesn't work.  basically building the right program  as each of us is different with different circumstances.  Over the last several weeks I have really noticed the changes.  How easy it now is for me to manage triggers and urges  which by the way  are becoming less and less over time.  It really does take me much less effort now to  manage  my life in a clean  way  I could not be more happier

    Cheers

    Post often it helps me it helps you
 

joepanic

Respected Member
A dreary rainy day  What used to be  just the kind of day to begin acting out  But today I almost look at it differently.  I will say I always did like the rain.  Perhaps  as an addict I just had a convenient excuse  to go and act out.  Now I sit by the window and read a book  or even go for a drive  which today I think I might. To a rural area near our city where there are Mennonite farms that sell wonderful foods. Something I always felt to be one of the finer things in life.  As an addict I used to rarely go and would kick myself in the afternoon for having squandered the day.  My how things can change.  How many days were "squandered" over the years.  At 50 I hope there is still time  to live the life I wanted to live. Build the Legacy I wanted to build.

    Cheers

      Post often it helps me it helps you 
 

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Yes, Joe, at 50 you have several years ahead of you to build the legacy you want.

You're already doing it now...!
 

joepanic

Respected Member
Ok  Covid is starting to get to me  More talk of Lockdowns coming in  Ontario Canada.  If people would only behave themselves  follow the rules we could end this mess.  I want my life back.  Its becoming pretty depressing. What does all this mean for an ex porn addict? Not much really.  I have no urges  to go and surf it  it rarely  pops into my mind. Just shitty timing as I can't go and do anything and I am surrounded by kids  pretty much all day (I have 5 kids ages 8-19) because they can't do anything. So obviously the brain chemistry is probably the biggest factor in weather  someone is a porn addict or not.  Once you reset your brain  it really does become very easy to stay away. My only guess is if someone goes back  after a long time is because they need some sort of sexual outlet that they  cannot  obtain in the real world.  This would apply to both single and those in a relationship.

    Cheers

    Post often it helps me it helps you
 

joepanic

Respected Member
Covid really staring to get to our family now  especially  "me"    they have once again put us into a limited lockdown...  Just a ton of restrictions as to what and how you can do anything.  If people would follow the rules  we could be out of this mess sooner.  So how is everyone coping  with  rebooting during this damned pandemic?  I suppose I am far enough in  and removed from pmo  that at this point it hasn't crossed my mind to "indulge".  That's the silver lining  I suppose.

    Cheers

    Post often it helps me it helps you 
 

Nick Simons

Active Member
Hey Joe,

So to your question on rebooting during COVID, I would say it is a mixed bag for me.  On the one hand, I have more available free time and that provides more opportunity for the gremlins to try and get a foothold in my brain (idle hands are the Devil's workshop etc ...). 

On the positive side though, I haven't travelled at all for work in the past year (which used to be a standard entry point for me to habitually consume porn) - so that's a god thing.  So the big test for me will be seeing if I am able to take what I have learned in my recovery journey to date and apply all those new habits when I eventually get thrown back into the old scenarios of being on the road away from home with tons of stress and lots of opportunity to relapse. 

I am thinking then in some ways, this COVID thing has actually been a blessing for me - because without it I wouldn't have been afforded this secure "test bubble" within which I could practice my new habits and give them a safe space to really take root.  So I have tons of gratitude for that. 

 

joepanic

Respected Member
Thanks for responding Nick

    I have to agree with your view.  If anything I believe covid is testing some of us and  I for one am using that test as sort of a strength building exercise.  In the end I believe I will come out a stronger person both mentally and physically.  There have been some "very" frustrating times recently.  Instead of turning my frustration outward.... getting all political  about it and so on.  I have been turning it inwards and  working to see how I can become stronger and better and it actually seems to be working.
    This past weekend was a real test  as  our family now has to be in isolation because a child in our sons grade 3 class tested covid positive so  all families in his  class must now self isolate in our home for 2 weeks  as well as we have to take our  son to get tested.  Yesterday I spent the day  building a large trampoline  in our yard. Not an easy feat  considering the instructions that come with it  again a frustrating  time.  These are events that inevitably always led me straight in to  some level of pmo.  The thought never even crossed my mind.

    As much as I am using the "virus" as a strength building exercise  the real building is going to come after the fact  as it is so limiting as to what we can do now. I am waiting patiently  for that time.  Also I wish I had some piece of sage advice  to pass on to the younger guys  to help them along in their journeys here  I have reached out a few times but no one seems to  be willing to accept any.  I would say when I was younger that  I don't need any advice  but 30 years ago we did not have the information on the dangers of porn like we do today

    Cheers

    Post often it helps me it helps you

 

joepanic

Respected Member
Incredible      urges 99%  gone  triggers 99% gone  even the bum feeling that I used to be a porn addict doesn't bother me as much anymore.  Only thing that worries me is there is so much more on my mind due to covid these days.  Really trying to come to terms as to what the next steps need to be.  Think I'll just start my day and see how it goes

    Cheers

    Post often it helps me it helps you
 

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Hi, joe!

If I were in your situation (and I'm on my way!), my next steps would simply be- to live life, porn-free!

Your urges are all but nil, what cues you to act out are all but nil, you are indeed no longer an addict. Simply live the life you've always wanted to, dreamt of living, but couldn't because of the addiction.

This is my strategy, once my 120 day goal was met, to simply live life, porn-free. Even if I had to do another goal, afterward, I just let the whole thing go- with vigilance of course- and live my life without the habit.

Wishing you all success!
 

joepanic

Respected Member
Wow  where did the the 8 days go

    I'm am finally going to claim victory and post in the success stories...  probably in the next few days.  Ifs bee a long tough slog  over 3 years but I now feel like I am porn free.  Very few urges if any  not affected by triggers  again if any.  Just the memory of being an addict  and the further I distance myself from having had been one  the more I seem to understand it was never my fault.  It's just a shame that so much was lost  over those 30+ years.  That the information was not available.  I'm sure the world would be a far better place today  for many if we only knew.  The guilt is also slowly disappearing.  Go figure it had to be when i hit 50.

    cheers

    Post often it helps me it helps you

 
 

joepanic

Respected Member
I feel so close  but just not there  Yes I am abstaining from porn and chat  but I am still struggling with residual fantasies.  This personality was so ingrained into my life  for over 30 years that it almost seems like its just a "natural" part of who I am.  But at the same time as I struggle  with them I also  think that it was not who I was meant to be and that does give me the little strength I need to fight off any urges. I like a lot of other addicts am finding it somewhat hard to manage this reboot through  the pandemic. Added stress  sitting at home for days and weeks  wondering how the future will look.  It's hard to pursue other interests when everything is shut down. I wish there was some smoking gun advanced tool  for managing this other than just brute willpower.  Perhaps it will improve over time

  cheers

    Post often it helps me it helps you
 

joepanic

Respected Member
A little note on  education

                https://www.ted.com/talks/cindy_pierce_how_porn_skews_sexual_expectations

    If we only had some of these resources 20 years ago at the same time that internet porn really began to take off  I wonder if my life would have been a bit different.  Its hard to say because  as informative as this video is  it does not  address  some of the  back reasons for our addiction.  It is for sure good to have a resource  to help us  with our children though  I have 2 boys 9 and 7  so we'll be beginning to talk to them  in the next year or so  regarding internet porn.

    Cheers

      Post often it helps me it helps you

   
 

joepanic

Respected Member
Wow has it really been 3 weeks I am still on the right path not seeking porn and chat although there are still times I want to due to stress covid etc. That's what worries me a little. Recovery is so much more than just clearing it out of our systems. Its learning a new way of life. I know fully understand the nature, reasons and causes of my addiction. The hardest part for me now is making up for the lost time. All the lost growth. I am 50 now and must look back (not in regret) but with the knowledge of how much of my life was stolen from me(not because of the time wasted on porn but because of the people who were the cause of me becoming a porn addict) that I will never get back. Oh to be the Count of Monte Cristo........ I now spend much of my time and energy trying to find a way to make up for this lost time and growth but with a wife family job etc. its not going to be easy. But I will keep working on it and make the best of it

Cheers and post often it helps me it helps you
 

joepanic

Respected Member
Staying clean these days still struggle with the occasional p-sub but the days of the hours long sessions or "pmo" 2-3 or more times a week are long gone. Along with that is a different view on sex with my wife. It is for the most part a little more low key for lack of a better term. During my pmo years I seemed to expect that sex should last for hours. Although I never actually "pushed" my wife for this, I felt a little confused by the whole thing. Not so much anymore guess that's more healing. For me "curing" myself of a decades long porn addiction was so much more than the abstaining from porn for 90 days or longer. It is getting to the bottom of why I became an addict in the 1st place and working though that as well as rebuilding my life as an ex addict Unfortunately delving into these topics here may be a little unpopular for some but I think it might be time. I'll put the question out here and see what sort of responses I get before going to the general area with the same question. What do you feel the reasons for you becoming a porn addict are.

Cheers and post often it helps me it helps you
 

Joel

Active Member
Great stuff, as ever, Joe. A reason for me is 'loneliness'. I had a loving family growing up, but into adolescence, I wanted to rebel against my family and wanted some peer-love. I approached my peers with a show off attitude, didn't get the attention I wanted, and became isolated. For years later, whenever I was rejected or ended up on my own, I'd think: ah, yes, this is me - alone - my natural state, though I try to hide it from people - i have no tribe, it's just me really.

On the other hand, as I heard someone say, porn doesn't have to come from a problem. 'Porn is like chocolate cake' - it feels good. And the addictive cycle is so difficult. We need to process the negative (the questions), but also process the like of 'chocolate cake' and the build the ability to reject it.

Something you're doing in a very inspiring way. Cheers, mate
 

guitar1968

Well-Known Member
I'll put the question out here and see what sort of responses I get before going to the general area with the same question. What do you feel the reasons for you becoming a porn addict are.

Cheers and post often it helps me it helps you
I just actually wrote about this the other day. I had a great childhood. Great friends and family, school was great. No weird sexual abuse issues or anything like that. Very classic American upbringing. However, that upbringing came with my dad's Playboys and Penthouse, my mom and dad occasionally renting a porn VHS and my brothers and I finding it. Every boy at school was always looking for dirty magazines and pictures and sharing whatever they could get their hands on. Talking about masturbation with friends, comparing how we do it, what magazines do we use, lotion, no lotion... and on and on. Porn was a part of growing up. A right of passage. It was what was expected of us. Then I just kept going from there. I think it just build over my entire life. I learned about sex from porn. I don't really even know what real sex is. That's how I got hooked and then when the internet came and I started working from home over 20 years ago, the addict was unleashed. I think it just takes over the brain. I was never addicted to anything. I loved partying and smoking weed, even a little coke here and there, but I never, ever felt like I needed it and could go weeks or even months without thinking about a drink. Porn was different. The feeling it unleashed in my brain was just amazing. It made me want to jerk off 5 minutes after I just finished. It took years until I started realizing it might not be good for me. And society now has made porn fun to joke about and a lot more mainstream than ever before.

It surely is a battle, but I don't think I need to dig deeper than what I just wrote above. It just got into my head and body, it felt fantastic and I wanted more. Now the battle continues to not want it. It took a long time but I finally got disgusted with myself enough to walk away. Now I'm hoping I can heal and enjoy the rest of my days without this curse.

Hope that helps in some way.
 
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