quit for good

Last night was Day 21 clean I had a long day yesterday and fell asleep

To explain my day I had a massive victory, I live about an hour from Toronto Canada(a really world class city) Over the years I would take the car with my bicycle in the trunk and ride the waterfront trails and paths So much to see and do food trucks live music and artists beaches everything you can think of. I have not had a chance to do this in 4 years due to of course covid some very busy years of work professionally etc. This trip also included a 10 minute ferry ride out to the Island, More of the same gardens trails fountains beaches..... and of course Hanlon's Point clothing optional beach. I always had my wife's blessing on this as she knew I was a nudist before we were married (she has no interest and I never pushed her to try it) In the past years I think I could place a link between the nude beach and my addiction. For the last 7 years I knew I was an outright porn addict and have tried to separate the nude beach experience with my porn addiction, with little success of course and a few times found myself either heading for a "massage" or heading home for a "session" which would usually run a few hours. Yesterday neither of those activities took place. A welcome change. After the beach I wandered through some old sections of downtown Toronto. Old Market areas shops restaurants and so on. Got ice cream took in the sounds and sites. Truly spent the day how I really wanted to spend it. On a last note of course there was no shortage of ladies doing their shopping in a big city. My eyes still wander. Change is definitely possible given the time and effort and education

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that's a great post and i really think you should derive a lot of confidence in that. i know this is your journal not mine, but i think i personally could not handle a nude beach especially as i work on my own reboot. it would just give me way too much firewood for fantasies and outright tempting me to relapse and act out.

as far as ladies out and about i think there's no way to help that i think we are wired to enjoy the sight of an attractive lady. so my interpretation is eyes wandering ok, but objectifying and leading to fantasies with other women esp in a committed relationship is a path not to go down.

nonetheless awesome day it sound like you had
 

joepanic

Well-Known Member
Day 22 clean as a whistle

Thanks for tuning in Grate Clips I think I got away successfully yesterday because I have been in the reboot mode for over 4 years now and have learned from my relapses. I have actually had stretches of 90 plus days only to go back and relapse. I think the difference now is I have learned what caused my addiction in the 1st place and the reasons why I was still compelled to use it or relapse and so on. Now that I have faced those issues and stood up against what was causing me to continue and worked to find solutions I find it far easier to "just say no" . One other point I want to make is I actually stepped into a "massage parlour" out of curiosity and saw it for what it really is. A pretty nasty place shower was dirty and it seemed like nothing but a "hustle". I will be honest I actually thought it would be nice to have a massage and say no happy ending needed. And 3 years ago I probably would have gone through with it but now it's like do I really need this? Why do I need this? And I have been able to rationalize the reasons for not needing it. To me it was the moment I realized that I do have the strength. I can find far better and more meaningful ways to spend my time

As for noticing ladies on the street There really is no way to help it. Lets be real men really are visual creatures and does it really hurt a woman to be noticed? I guess it depends on who you ask. My wife was whistled at a few years back by some construction workers while walking downtown I asked her how it made her feel and her response was "pretty dammed good" I think the needs of the few seem to outweigh the needs of the many in that case. So I understand its probably not a good idea to be making it obvious or cat calling but looking for a few seconds well don't think I'll be stopping that anytime soon. As for my wife She does it on "rare" occasion herself checking out the occasional guy. The only difference is she is far more picky than I am

I think for more info on this look in the partners section in Gracie's entry called "The looking thing" and read Blondies entry i think it hits the nail right on the head.

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joepanic

Well-Known Member
Day 23 clean Never felt better

i think the weekend was just what I needed. I'm in a bit of the doldrums as I have been here before and this time I am hoping it really is a bit different and will be the one. The kids are all away for this week too so lots of free time with the wife. So i think I'll go chase her around for a while

Cheers

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joepanic

Well-Known Member
Day 24 clean feel even better

Chased around the wife last night and yep I caught her. I'll leave out any further details on that one :cool:

Anyways think its time to listen to some tunes and have a beer

Cheers

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joepanic

Well-Known Member
Day 25 quite tired tonight Had my 1st mo in quite some time in the shower trying to mainly think about my wife for that one

Think I'll catch some tunes and jump into bed

Cheers

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joepanic

Well-Known Member
Day 26 2 days short of 4 weeks

What is it with some women I have been married just short of 15 years. and together for almost 18 years and the further in we go the more frustrating some things can be On occasion I ask my wife about wearing a little lingerie We have built up quite the collection in the last 17 years. But it seems as time goes by she is less willing to put any on when I ask her. Now this in itself is not such a problem but the reasoning behind it is. The stock excuse is when we don't have kids in the house (not meaning when they have all moved out but when they are away at camp or Grandma and grandpas etc) But as soon as the house is empty and i ask I get grumbles. if i than say well perhaps its time to just get rid of it or store it away in the hope chest or something she gets upset.. Again I suppose i am touching on her control issues. Do women like hanging candy in front of your face? or is it just mine that does. If she doesnt want to wear it than fine I will live with it but at least give a fair reason. It was things like that that always drove me to porn to relieve my frustration.

Cheers

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Day 26 2 days short of 4 weeks

What is it with some women I have been married just short of 15 years. and together for almost 18 years and the further in we go the more frustrating some things can be On occasion I ask my wife about wearing a little lingerie We have built up quite the collection in the last 17 years. But it seems as time goes by she is less willing to put any on when I ask her. Now this in itself is not such a problem but the reasoning behind it is. The stock excuse is when we don't have kids in the house (not meaning when they have all moved out but when they are away at camp or Grandma and grandpas etc) But as soon as the house is empty and i ask I get grumbles. if i than say well perhaps its time to just get rid of it or store it away in the hope chest or something she gets upset.. Again I suppose i am touching on her control issues. Do women like hanging candy in front of your face? or is it just mine that does. If she doesnt want to wear it than fine I will live with it but at least give a fair reason. It was things like that that always drove me to porn to relieve my frustration.

Cheers

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it’s her choice and if she’s not feeling it then asking her is not going to get you where you want. Or if it’s not her style to do so anymore

yes frustrating but not anything I would push her on
 

joepanic

Well-Known Member
it’s her choice and if she’s not feeling it then asking her is not going to get you where you want. Or if it’s not her style to do so anymore

yes frustrating but not anything I would push her on
Actually I think it's the lack of a fair answer that bothers me Its called communication
 

joepanic

Well-Known Member
Day 28 was last night Was out having a campfire with a few friends had a few beers and forgot to pop on here. All is well After the fire and 5 tall cans and being 2 am normally would have been prime time for me to hit the screen but not even a thought of it good progress there for sure

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joepanic

Well-Known Member
Day 29 Had a nice day visiting family time to kick back for a beer and some tunes

cheers

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joepanic

Well-Known Member
Day 30 1/3 of recommended reboot time

Made mad love with the wife last night. Was kind of nice I didn't have to initiate. Spent the day at the beach with the wife and kids today picnic lunch so on. 1st time in probably 3 years due to that #$%$#@% virus. Again so many ladies on the beach and a year ago I might be downstairs at my computer at the moment doing well you know. But it feels different this time. I don't quite know the reason. Perhaps its just time and my brain is telling me so. perhaps its we have so much more to think about these days. Inflation really eating into our spending power along with added expenses. 2 daughters graduated this year(prom dresses) 1 spending a summer overseas. I would like to think its the 1st reason but I have a feeling its the 2nd. But whatever the reason I'm heading in the right direction.

On another note as much as I am not self medicating my stress with porn, I am self medicating it with food especially at work. This is having 2 negative effects on me 1 it costs too much and too its adding to my waistline. Not sure i'll be able to do anything about that in the short term. I think its going to be some time before I can work through the reasons for my increased stress level as the reasons for it our somewhat "complicated"

I see it's rather quiet on my journal these days guess i haven't gotten under anyone's skin......

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joepanic

Well-Known Member
Day 31 all's well A quiet evening of watching the tube and having s cold beer

cheers

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joepanic

Well-Known Member
Lets make that 32 days clean

Thanks for tuning in GBS Again we have taken a hit to our finances as the ac unit in one of our investment properties went for a dump. Looking at $3300 to repair it or maybe $5000 for a new one either way its a hard pill to swallow at the moment. Normally something like this would have made me throw my arms up and head for the computer and drown it all out with some porn. Not this time though I am going to go down and watch some Star Trek.

Cheers

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SimonM

Active Member
Star Trek. That's a great way to deal with unfortunate surprises! I had to replace the transmission on my car just when I joined up here. Same situation - might have gone straight to P before - but this time I didn't do it.

I hope next you get some good news! :)
 

joepanic

Well-Known Member
Day 33 tough day on the job weather wise, hot humid sticky and very irritating and than i had to go and mow the lawn at my apartment building I had a few beers with my one tenant who likes to dress in tight tops showing her cleavage. I made sure not to pay too much attention to that fact. In the meantime it is a fac t of life we addicts mut be able to deal with. I simply can not just stop living life because I am an x porn addict. That is the reason I sat in the garden and had a few beers. On a final note again something like this might have led me to head for the computer for a session, instead its an other episode of Star Trek

Cheers

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joepanic

Well-Known Member
Day 34 Don't know when the last time i did this long without "hardcore porn" In one sense it almost seems to easy but in another I know I have been here before. Will just let time do its thing for now

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