quit for good

joepanic

Well-Known Member
Last night was day 35 caught up in watching the tube

This following statement I posted on another users journal but I think I'll repost it here

I truly believe there is no point in looking in the rear view mirror perhaps thats why its so small and the windshield is so large. Its one thing to never forget who you were,,, that way you won't repeat it. But to base your future on your past is counterproductive. Your not that person anymore. No one sets out to be a porn addict. We were pretty much dragged out of a what could have been a good life and dragged into this shit life of a porn addict. Many people may or may not have been hurt as a result but in my opinion no one was hurt more than the addict himself. In my story my wife knew I surfed a crap load of porn. She doesn't know I was outright addicted to it for so many years or some of the genres I was into and it shall stay that way. She does have some idea of why I watched it She couldn't care less that i watched it as long as I didn't involve her in it which i haven't. It never affected our marriage, She knows I gave it up for my own reasons. It's mentioned many times here the hurt that a porn addict causes to a partner, and yes all of it is true. But that is the only hurt that is allowed to be discussed here at rebootnation. Many times an addict might mention how their partner might have hurt them in some way along the way but it really doesn't get discussed in any depth, Porn addiction needs to be a much wider conversation. Less judgmental and a more supportive. I mention this mainly because the mandate of this site is to help people rewire their brains by supporting them while they withdraw from porn. But many of the topics seem to gravitate towards fixing relationships or fixing the damage to partners. Unfortunately an injured soldier can't drag another injured soldier off the battlefield

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Phineas 808

Respected Member
It's mentioned many times here the hurt that a porn addict causes to a partner, and yes all of it is true. But that is the only hurt that is allowed to be discussed here at rebootnation. Many times an addict might mention how their partner might have hurt them in some way along the way but it really doesn't get discussed in any depth, Porn addiction needs to be a much wider conversation. Less judgmental and a more supportive. I mention this mainly because the mandate of this site is to help people rewire their brains by supporting them while they withdraw from porn. But many of the topics seem to gravitate towards fixing relationships or fixing the damage to partners. Unfortunately an injured soldier can't drag another injured soldier off the battlefield

I think that this is an unfair and highly inaccurate caricature of Reboot Nation.

I think that you're seeing things through a very specific lens, one that's based on certain interactions that you had with the opposite sex, here in your journal and in the partners section. But your perception is colored if not warped by those interactions, particularly your feelings surrounding them.

The whole existence of Reboot Nation is the healing of the hurt (both psychological and physiological) caused to (mostly) men and women. And we (men) get to discuss it all the time in helping each other.

That controversies are typically shut down isn't some kind of prejudice against men and for wives of rebooters. It's just simply good administration. We all have healing to do, and these sidebar controversies can become distracting and obfuscating of the purpose of this place, which is toward all our healing.
 

joepanic

Well-Known Member
I think that this is an unfair and highly inaccurate caricature of Reboot Nation.

I think that you're seeing things through a very specific lens, one that's based on certain interactions that you had with the opposite sex, here in your journal and in the partners section. But your perception is colored if not warped by those interactions, particularly your feelings surrounding them.

The whole existence of Reboot Nation is the healing of the hurt (both psychological and physiological) caused to (mostly) men and women. And we (men) get to discuss it all the time in helping each other.

That controversies are typically shut down isn't some kind of prejudice against men and for wives of rebooters. It's just simply good administration. We all have healing to do, and these sidebar controversies can become distracting and obfuscating of the purpose of this place, which is toward all our healing.
Thanks for tuning in Phineas

Perhaps i am seeing things through a specific lens But I base my statements on fact. I suppose I will try to break it down a little. Yes I have had "certain interactions" with "certain partners". I suppose I got tired of being told I was wrong in my thinking. I didnt start these controversies but sure felt the need to defend my position on my journal. I believe in total open discussion so have never complained about the views or anyone who posted in my journal. But the moment I posted in the partners section the shit hit the fan and things were stopped. So I asked if that particular topic could not continue than just shut it down. The 1st time I had to threaten to leave this site before it was shut down by a moderator(please see partner) The 2nd time I was told "no" so its still there. So I suppose I am one of a few that believes in total open conversation. I'm good with that. I never tell people they are wrong in their thinking and views. I and support to those who hold a certain view as well as the reasoning behind that support, even if it's not "popular" to some. I'm quite sorry if it gets under their skin. I force no one to stay away from my journal and if any other member wishes me not to post on their journal they just have to say the word and I will stay out of their journal no harm no foul. Just for perspective the other journal I posted this one was [email protected] If you read back a few entries you will understand the context better

Cheers and as always your views are welcome here

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joepanic

Well-Known Member
Again last night was Day 36 Caught up watching too much Star Trek again but all is good

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joepanic

Well-Known Member
Wow I just can't seem to keep up these days Last night was day 37 now its day 38

strange how the 1st 10 days seems to take forever and than all of a sudden your hitting close to the half way mark All is good I have had a really good start to the week work wise That always helps

cheers

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joepanic

Well-Known Member
Day 39 not a single urge period Just having a quiet evening with my wife in the hot tub now that its not so sweltering outside. Pretty quiet here these days guess that's not the worst thing

I suppose in my case it really helps that one of the major stress factors in my life is out of the country for 2 months. It certainly feels different in the house. She will be home in Sept for 2 weeks before leaving the country for 10 months. I guess it goes to show that you probably cant just iron fist your way to 90 days clean. Whatever caused your addiction or was causing it to continue might need to be addressed on some level.

Cheers

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joepanic

Well-Known Member
Day 41 all is well Thanks for tuning in GBS I am dead tired tonight having worked a few days of overtime

Cheers

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joepanic

Well-Known Member
Day 42 still clean of hard core porn i will admit I do miss it and think back to some scenes but I am trying to just fill my time with the other things that I enjoy mainly playing music(I am a musician) Problem is music requires a pretty large commitment. I don;t have the space here at home for it with all that is going on in our family. I do have a garage at my rental property that I can use but it requires time to clean it up and prepare it and of course where to go with the junk in it. I am looking forward to setting up there though.
I did m.o. in the shower. This is something I used to do quite often but just don;t feel the need to do it that often anymore on occasion I do though. I wish I could train my mind to not need to do that anymore, perhaps that will come in time. again that is a contentious issue weather it's acceptable or not. I say it is and it's not cheating. So it's not a moral issue there Its more an issue if I had a slightly better sex life with my wife I wouldn't feel the need to. I think its just a matter I have a larger sex drive than my wife. (typical of most males). Need to have conversations regarding this.

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GBS

Well-Known Member
Hi @joepanic . Your day 42 post is exactly my point. MO is acceptable- of course it is - but if it’s slightly just habit, then why not try a few weeks without and see how you cope with the feeling. I think you really can train the mind to do without (although I seem to crack around the 30-40 day mark. The conundrum is that if you went without and had more sex as a direct result (because it’s better) then you’ve reached the panacea. Not saying this is easy or a conversation with one’s SO that doesn’t sound like blackmail.

I obviously like the way you’re thinking, and 43 days no hard core porn is good work. Keep going - you inspire.
 

joepanic

Well-Known Member
Hi @joepanic . Your day 42 post is exactly my point. MO is acceptable- of course it is - but if it’s slightly just habit, then why not try a few weeks without and see how you cope with the feeling. I think you really can train the mind to do without (although I seem to crack around the 30-40 day mark. The conundrum is that if you went without and had more sex as a direct result (because it’s better) then you’ve reached the panacea. Not saying this is easy or a conversation with one’s SO that doesn’t sound like blackmail.

I obviously like the way you’re thinking, and 43 days no hard core porn is good work. Keep going - you inspire.

Caution there are ideas and words in here that for some may be triggering for some

Thanks for weighing in GBS

It would be tough to have that conversation with the wife without it sounding like blackmail wouldn't it? In the meantime I think I will stay the course. 1st thing is our goal was to give up porn not become monks and give up m.o. Kudos for anyone who does though. I look at it as I went from PMO almost daily to no P and perhaps MO once every few weeks. I don't think its so much or an "urge or "trigger kind of thing. It's something I don't appear to be addicted to and something that does not support the nasty world of online porn. Again I had my day at a nude beach in Toronto yesterday. Something I do 2 or 3 times a summer. This to me proves that there is a difference between real nudity and online nudity (as well as dvds magazines and so on). Online they are posing for a "sexual" purpose. Those on the beach did not get my mind wandering. it's funny I spent my time getting some sun enjoying a few drinks and thinking about changing my life to be more interesting like the people I saw. Some of us may think it's a dangerous game for me to do something like that. That it might fall under p subs. I think anything that might lead me to go off and M.O. would be considered a p sub and that activity does not. It is going to be a "HUGE" conversation on what would be considered a p sub and why. How much of our lives do we have to change to avoid a p sub. Stop watching certain movies because they may have one small scene with a woman in her bikini or something. Do I stop going to Oktoberfest because the ladies wear dresses with lots of cleavage. Do I not go to my child's high school graduation because many of the girls wear tight form fitting dresses. Do I avoid rock concerts festivals carnivals and weddings. They are all events that could be attended by ladies in some sort of sexy dress. (And don't get me started on have every right to wear such a dress and not be objectified blah blah blah) What i do tend to avoid is searching out anything online
with the "goal or purpose" of getting some sort of sexual satisfaction... M.O. To me a big part of the reboot is knowing what is acceptable and what is not.

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joepanic

Well-Known Member
Wow where did the week go I did have some pretty strong urges a few days back. I'll call them stress related but I haven't gone down any dark roads into the abyss. Feeling pretty confident these days

Hope all are doing well and I'll try to get back on here nightly

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joepanic

Well-Known Member
Hey GBS Thanks for tuning in Yes doing very well we have been super busy and actually took in a camping weekend which was really a nice trip very refreshing kind of charge the batteries. Ive lost track of the days but I think its about day Day 58 so I'' go with that number for the moment. I guess at times I still find it hard coming here as a few partners over and over again feel that the "moral" portion of a reboot is the be all and end all in this process. That I don't understand the hurt a partner might experience and I don't want to admit it exists. I say this because all addicts are lopped into the same lot unless we agree with everything they say. I have stood up for myself a few times here(usually on my journal) and taken a shit kicking for it. It seems I am not even allowed to conduct my reboot on my own terms. Very frustrating at times. But it is what it is in the end I am off porn and I feel that's what really matters, even if its not good enough for someone else. Perhaps that's enough of my rambling. Think I'll get back to my porn free evening

Cheers to all

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GBS

Well-Known Member
Hey @joepanic glad you’re back. Day 58 is awesome.

This forum generates discussion so just because you may not agree with what others say, it doesn’t mean you’re wrong, man. No one picking on you. We follow our own paths. Please don’t take it personally. I want you to succeed. I really do. I think I myself have been strident on a subject you possibly disagree about (hard core reboot) but that doesn’t mean that your method isn’t right for you. I know you went toe to toe with @Gracie on something, can’t remember what it was but there you go. I guarantee she wants you to kick porn out as much as I do.

Please keep posting - I read every word you write.
 

joepanic

Well-Known Member
GBS I prefer to keep things here "professional" and I prefer to keep my eye on the ball, Which is to get to 90 days of no porn. The relationship repairs apologies understanding that may or may not have been done blah blah blah can come after that. Gracie would prefer this be a reconciliation with partners(please see wives girlfriends etc) forum 1st. I don't believe that is the intent of the site. When a meth addict goes into rehab all resources are put into clearing that drug from their system. No other concerns are considered. The relationship/family etc counselling all comes later. Addiction is addiction what makes a porn addiction any different other than its an addiction that really does overwhelmingly affect "men" ,She can throw out all she wants in the partners section and I wont say a word(because my dissenting opinion is not wanted) But in my journal I am entitled to my opinion also. I say this because when I did post something in the partners section is was locked down very quickly (but they sure left it there for all to see)

Cheers

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GBS

Well-Known Member
Hi. I honestly think our journals are exactly that, they’re ours. Other people do get to chime in and we can have lively respectful debate. I have learned so much from others by being on here so I for one am thrilled it’s open to all. Others have said things I essentially and/or intuitively disagree with but it’s fair game. I am not fighting @Gracie ‘s corner but for some of us the recovery isn’t just about us alone. I know your partner’s situation is very different from mine (or you said it was), so we are in different mindsets on our reboots. Mine is about self improvement but also about how that improvement will mend my damaged marriage.

I remain thrilled for you that you are walking this path, and indeed you have been a source of inspiration and comfort for me. We may be very different humans, you and I, but we’re brothers of sorts on here. I respect you and I presume you respect me insofar as you can. Please just carry on in the full and certain knowledge that we ALL are backing you to kick out the beast. On that we are truly united as one.

Keep writing my friend, please.
 

joepanic

Well-Known Member
Thanks for chiming in GBS I too value your opinion I find it a little more balanced than some. Our situations are different. I just find it difficult when generalizations are used. I will scream it out loud that in my case "YES SOMETIMES MY WIFES ACTIONS DO PUSH ME TOWARDS PORN. But really where will that lead. Depending where it is posted the conversation will be stifled.

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