Thanks for tuning in TakeactionNowHi @joepanic
I read that your marriage and your relationship with your wife is important to you. However it is more important that you see and accept things clearly as they now are, so that you may adapt and make better and more effective choices.
"not depending on your wife for your personal feel good"
It means the responsibility of us feeling good lies wholely on ourselves.
If they make us feel good, good.
If they don't, it doesn't matter.
Of course if they don't for a very long time, or make our life miserable, then the question isnt what more can I do, but rather, is there a higher reason I need to stay instead of leave.
And if you determine that there is, then you need to let go and adapt to your situation.
Adaptation here is key.
"My whole life seemed to be about pleasing others or doing the will of others. This started with my parents who set very high standards which I believe slowed down my development into a man and gave me the impression that not only does the bible state that it is better to give then to receive but that everyone else I knew lived by this standard so I was taken advantage of easily perhaps my wife saw this in me"
Whether true or not, this is a powerful statement that makes it harder for you to see the good that you have done, and puts power to others to determine your quality of life.
Another way to phrase your life might be:
"I have a good value system that is considerate and charitable, and I also recognize the importance of my personal wellbeing. I will do what I believe is true, fair and right for everyone, including myself.
Do not deprioritize yourself.
Be good and kind to yourself.
You deserve your own love, attention and care.
Let go of as much baggage as possible. If your wife is too busy with her life, then you can also be busy with yours. The best gift you can give yourself isnt someone else's company, but your own. Spending your time well will make you a happier person, and your life more meaningful. Your life isn't meant for her sole benefit, but yours and everyone you come into contact with. You have it in you to make things better.
Believe in yourself. I know you're doing good. So should you.
I guess I have taken my journal down a bit of a rabbit hole. or rather some of the commentary in my journal has led me to go into that rabbit hole. "Personal Feelgood" an interesting concept but not something that I really understand where your coming from. The whole post prior to your post was based on my sex life with my wife but your definition of "personal feelgood does not reference my sex life at all I guess it depends on who you ask. If I didn't want someone to help me feel good about myself I don't think I would have ever gotten married. I could have just surfed porn the rest of my life. i know I have certainly tried my best to help my wife feel good about herself over the years. In fact I believe I have put considerable effort into it in both our sex life and every other aspect of our relationship. I suppose this is all part of her need for control. The need to be wanted or needed.
Its funny you say if your wife is too busy than stay busy yourself . Sounds more like a marriage of convenience to me I would rather be in one where both make time for each other. Perhaps if we all made more time for our spouses our marriages would be stronger. At least thats what I get out of the partners views
Post often it helps me it helps you