quit for good

[joepanic]

Congrats Cmax how does it feel 4 months in I have had streaks of 90 days and better and as a whole my whole p use patterns have changed over the last 3 years They have changed for the better but I still want it out of my life and for my own reasons only. Today i am on day 9 and its the weekend which was usually the hardest time for me but it seemed easier this time. Guess thats a good thing

post often it helps me it helps you

 

[Cmax]

What really hit home was when my wife found out.....it hurt her.....she has been great during my reboot and I put porn out of my life.....it operates on the brain like a drug.....good luck!

 

[guitar1968]

Wow quite a leap last night Played a gig didn't get home till almost 2 am A time when I usually found it very easy to unwind to some p Instead I headed straight off to bed woke up this morning feeling a bit better about things.

Post often it helps me it helps you

You sound like me. I played in two bands this past Saturday. Great gig and I came home happy with the day and never thought about porn. The process works. I have slipped a few small times in the last 6 months, but I have succeeded far more than I have failed. FAR MORE!

 

[joepanic]

Hey Cmax my story is a touch different in that my wife new i surfed a little porn and couldn't have cared less. There was no secret no big d-day as the partners here refer to it as. She does not know I was addicted to it and I have simply told her in passing that I don't bother watching it anymore. And have left it at that

Guitar1968 Yes music is part of my therapy I haver been a musician since 1989 but for over 20 years could not grow as a musician due to my porn addiction It was a viscous circle. One that I seem to be breaking over time. Almost 4 years now but ever since I began the process there were small victories setbacks and changes for the better. The toughest part of my reboot was been told by some here that the way I was going about it was not acceptable. I always felt this was to be my reboot 1st and foremost But in the end I am winning

Post often it helps me it helps you

 

[Phineas 808]

The toughest part of my reboot was been told by some here that the way I was going about it was not acceptable. I always felt this was to be my reboot 1st and foremost But in the end I am winning

I know this can play such a major role, perhaps more than it should, in our recovery or reboot. And why? Probably because we expect (rightly so) that all we should expect around here is support- and that's been mostly my experience. But, there was a time or two when some moron would post, "What's wrong with you? Why aren't you on 6 years by now, like me?? You're doing it all wrong!" That can be a real bummer and wet blanket.

I know what you're referring to, and the level from which the 'wet blanket' came from. Hey, God bless them, but this site isn't "couples therapy"! Grateful the spouses have their area to vent, perhaps to heal, but this is primarily for us all to 'reboot' and find our healing- and to do so anonymously, as it often is in our marriages, anonymous and private.

We're after all in the process of bettering our lives, our behaviors, and this invariably benefits our loved ones- even if we're overcoming in the shadows. We're not here saying, "How can we get worse, and get one over on our loved ones?" That's not why we're here. Who cares about the rest?

 

[joepanic]

Phineas you are spot on It is not couples therapy here and I have 100% stayed out of the partners section Its too bad they couldn't stay out of ours. Imagine the shit show if you way in an opinion there that does not co-inside with what they believe. You would get crucified. I'm sure if they read my recent posts on my journal and also a posting I put out in the general porn addiction section the shit might hit the fan. I actually had the balls to say my wife had been part of the problem of my continuing addiction to porn. Not my reason for becoming one in the 1st place but certainly the reason why I still felt compelled to surf it. In the end I told her to either give me some time and space in my life or the end was near. It did the trick I am finding it super easy to know stay clear of porn and chat and be way more productive in positive ways. sheesh women and their need for control uuhhgg

Anyway post often it helps me it helps you

 

[k-fff]

Phineas you are spot on It is not couples therapy here and I have 100% stayed out of the partners section Its too bad they couldn't stay out of ours. Imagine the shit show if you way in an opinion there that does not co-inside with what they believe. You would get crucified. I'm sure if they read my recent posts on my journal and also a posting I put out in the general porn addiction section the shit might hit the fan. I actually had the balls to say my wife had been part of the problem of my continuing addiction to porn. Not my reason for becoming one in the 1st place but certainly the reason why I still felt compelled to surf it. In the end I told her to either give me some time and space in my life or the end was near. It did the trick I am finding it super easy to know stay clear of porn and chat and be way more productive in positive ways. sheesh women and their need for control uuhhgg

Anyway post often it helps me it helps you

This is something I noticed early on here. There is also a lot of justification for cheating and other behavior because the bf or husband has a p addiction. But suggest that part of the reason someone might have a continued problem is due to the behavior of the SO causing stress or other issues it is out of the question. It amazes me the amount of guys that will give women a free pass for acting poorly. Especially considering p has been forced on us since an early age. The idea that society isn't saturated in this crap and that we bear so much blame for developing an issue is bs. It is incredibly frustrating. A lot of woman make this stuff about them when men are the primary victims of p; it destroys one of our most fundamental needs.

 

[Phineas 808]

...and also a posting I put out in the general porn addiction section the shit might hit the fan. I actually had the balls to say my wife had been part of the problem of my continuing addiction to porn. Not my reason for becoming one in the 1st place but certainly the reason why I still felt compelled to surf it.

Yes, that would be 'anathema' to claim this! Now, while I'm careful to lay blame where it is due (myself), in all honesty in the overall bigger picture, dating my wife back in the day was full of shame, compromises, back-and-forth breakups (messages of rejection), and in sharing a traumatic experience I endured as a teenager which was received by her with disgust, all led to my p-addiction! There was also the shame of a legalistic church involved, but I simply would not have (likely) come to this place had it not been for my (now) wife! And that sounds like blame, and I don't mean it to, but she played a major role in my almost 30 year demise. At the end of the day, I made choices I can only blame myself for, but she was certainly a major catalyst.

So, I certainly get that.

 

[joepanic]

K-fff You also raise some really valid points. The fact that it was such a one way street around here really dragged me down and at one point I was really considering leaving and looking for another forum. I totally understand the need for a partners section where they may find support and ideas. I truly believe that many partners have been victims and been hurt by their partners porn use. But to be given the impression that "it's all about them" and that is the only thing that matters in a "man's" reboot(and I say man because lets be real about this 90% of porn addicts are male) is the fact that his partner has been hurt makes a reboot that much harder. I believe most are doing this for the sake of their partners but are given such little credit for it. Yes we may or may not have hurt our partners. But many addicts had been hurt by their partners and resorted to porn but as you say that's a topic not to be discussed. It honestly feels quite good to be able to openly discuss this finally. Quite frankly when I had the blowout with my wife a few weeks ago(actually told her she could go fuck herself) things have improved around here a lot more. It was all about her need to control every aspect of her life. I say that in a way that she was not trying to control me in any way but her need to control her own life was so great that it was affecting my ability to live my life and I honestly feel that this situation was driving me to porn. Since she has backed off I just don't feel the need to run to porn

Phineas You mention a traumatic experience as a teenager. I had a few myself and decided a long time ago never to disclose it to anyone including my wife. The past is the past and I am beginning to be able to bury it there just like my present porn addiction. But it still had an effect on me that was still part of the reason I turned to porn. In all honesty(and I'm willing to take as many bullets as anyone feels they need to fire into me for this one) But it was the way girls treated me as a teenager was the number one reason I turned to porn. Since beginning to reboot I have read so much on the topic and realized that in all honesty I took the high road and did not fight back at the injustice of several girls I new as a teenager. I took their bullshit over and over again and just hid in porn rather than take any less desirable approach. I think I am owed a thank you for that one. In the end again I have won. I am married and successful and from what I have heard over the years many of these ladies lives now "suck"

Post often it helps me it helps you

 

[k-fff]

K-fff You also raise some really valid points. The fact that it was such a one way street around here really dragged me down and at one point I was really considering leaving and looking for another forum. I totally understand the need for a partners section where they may find support and ideas. I truly believe that many partners have been victims and been hurt by their partners porn use. But to be given the impression that "it's all about them" and that is the only thing that matters in a "man's" reboot(and I say man because lets be real about this 90% of porn addicts are male) is the fact that his partner has been hurt makes a reboot that much harder. I believe most are doing this for the sake of their partners but are given such little credit for it. Yes we may or may not have hurt our partners. But many addicts had been hurt by their partners and resorted to porn but as you say that's a topic not to be discussed. It honestly feels quite good to be able to openly discuss this finally. Quite frankly when I had the blowout with my wife a few weeks ago(actually told her she could go fuck herself) things have improved around here a lot more. It was all about her need to control every aspect of her life. I say that in a way that she was not trying to control me in any way but her need to control her own life was so great that it was affecting my ability to live my life and I honestly feel that this situation was driving me to porn. Since she has backed off I just don't feel the need to run to porn

Phineas You mention a traumatic experience as a teenager. I had a few myself and decided a long time ago never to disclose it to anyone including my wife. The past is the past and I am beginning to be able to bury it there just like my present porn addiction. But it still had an effect on me that was still part of the reason I turned to porn. In all honesty(and I'm willing to take as many bullets as anyone feels they need to fire into me for this one) But it was the way girls treated me as a teenager was the number one reason I turned to porn. Since beginning to reboot I have read so much on the topic and realized that in all honesty I took the high road and did not fight back at the injustice of several girls I new as a teenager. I took their bullshit over and over again and just hid in porn rather than take any less desirable approach. I think I am owed a thank you for that one. In the end again I have won. I am married and successful and from what I have heard over the years many of these ladies lives now "suck"

Post often it helps me it helps you

Women can be and are incredibly cruel at times. Not to rant, but I have never really met one with genuine empathy for a man besides her son. I never tell women about things that have happened to me if they are still bothering me. I swear they sense weakness and they just push there.

 

[guitar1968]

Hey Cmax my story is a touch different in that my wife new i surfed a little porn and couldn't have cared less. There was no secret no big d-day as the partners here refer to it as. She does not know I was addicted to it and I have simply told her in passing that I don't bother watching it anymore. And have left it at that

Guitar1968 Yes music is part of my therapy I haver been a musician since 1989 but for over 20 years could not grow as a musician due to my porn addiction It was a viscous circle. One that I seem to be breaking over time. Almost 4 years now but ever since I began the process there were small victories setbacks and changes for the better. The toughest part of my reboot was been told by some here that the way I was going about it was not acceptable. I always felt this was to be my reboot 1st and foremost But in the end I am winning

Post often it helps me it helps you

I just told my wife I'm no longer looking at porn and that I realize the damage it has done. Like you, I never hid the fact that I used porn. I always made it clear that I'm an adult and it is up to me. Probably a bad stance to take now that I know all the damage that I've done. But, I never had porn blow out with her, but she seems happy to hear that I'm taking the blame for our issues and that I'm realizing the damage porn can create.

MUSIC! Yes, letting go of porn and immersing ourselves in music is fantastic. I just got done recording a guitar solo before popping on here! Keep at it. Much better than PMO!

 

[joepanic]

Things are still going very well I am quite happy with my current progress Not much to report these days. Almost too busy for either porn or even journaling

Cheers

Post often it helps me it helps you

 

[joepanic]

One thing I can say about my addiction was my wife always new about my "porn habits". I never lied about it. So in away I can say that it does not always negatively affect a partner. I jump her bones whenever she wants it but she doesn't jump mine whenever I want it. In a way her "needs" are always taken care of. But mine are not. I accept her "lower level of libido.
We have pretty good sex for the most part and I have never suffered pied or chose porn over her. My porn habits and addiction were my problem not hers. I can probably guarantee she gets more affection from me than some gals get from a non porn addict. See I am different. I was treated like shit by girls for the 1st 30 years of my life. The whole "Me Too" movement really opened my eyes too. As I was actually physically abused by a female when I was a teenager. You know the type. The leather jacket wearing smoking type whose shit smells like flowers. The type who also has the badass boy boyfriend usually about 3 or 4 years older and who would kick my ass if I fought back. See, I took it like a real man. Only problem was I had to release my tension and stress somewhere. Hmmmm enter porn. But at the same time I vowed never to treat anyone in such a manner. And I have kept that vow. I am quitting porn for my own reasons. Those being I don't like the way the industry is now run and I want to do other things with my time. Namely play music, write music, listen to music and learn more about music. And that is now happening

Cheers and post often it helps me it helps you

 

[joepanic]

After nearly 4 years of this I have to admit that this far into the "reboot process" if you will... That being the learning and educating, the attempts, the victories, the failures, the discussions and everything else we have done said and tried. I have come to the conclusion that at this point counting the days is irrelevant.
What I am doing is reflecting back on the fact that I no longer "edge".... all night on my knees on a pillow dick in hand going through scene after scene looking for the perfect one before finally letting go 15 minutes before my wife would get our of bed. This same scenario would play out during the day while she was at work. As for chat I finally "get it" that there are many there who just play "games". Many of the "women" in a chat room are usually males because lets be real. How many of us know women who need to find sex other than with a real partner. I actually know they are males because 1 i have pretended to be a female and 2 I actually polled women there and they admitted to being male A woman can usually readily have sex with "almost" any man she wants as I don't really know any guy who is not ready to hop in the sack with most women. It really is in my opinion a pretty unbalanced situation. So I am telling myself why should I set myself up for even more rejection. I'm sure sex chat rooms could have their place and be something useful in an entertainment setting but the have denigrated down well... You chose the term.

So counting the days is a very good start when rebooting as they create some easy victories... 5 days.... 1 week.... 2 weeks.... a month etc. But after a while I think its more important to have learned something about yourself and the addiction in general, found your coping mechanisms, and start to build a program to use in living a better life.


Cheers Post often it helps me it helps you

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

Great job, man! I'm happy to see you're doing great with this. It's that moment when you can say "Finally!" After years of fighting this shit, it's very liberating. I'll get there too.

 

[joepanic]

Thanks for tuning in Escape Its been almost a week since I've posted and its been another 100% clean solid week considering the turmoil at home here (17 year old teenage daughter deciding life sucks here and going out the door screaming how bad we suck as parents only to come back the next day and do it again a few weeks later) Christmas is still one of my favorite times of the year not to mention it was 4 years ago on Dec 23 I found this site and learned very fast that indeed I had an addiction. A porn addiction. I thought I was immune to addictions as all my friends 30+ years ago became addicted to weed hash cigarettes coffee you name it. One even developed a gambling addiction and lost whole paychecks on slot machines. Pretty much all of them dropped out of school. Funny thing is they never had trouble getting chicks and getting laid.
All the while I was slowing becoming a porn addict. And that addiction stopped me from ever progressing in anything beyond the basics . I think one of things that made it hard was I could function on basic levels I finished high school, I got a job I got married(aged 35) bought my 1st house so on and so on. But it stopped me from practicing music to become a top level musician. It stopped me from becoming anything beyond a construction laborer. It kept my confidence low.

One last thought is that as soon as I told myself that porn addiction was not my fault and put away the guilt I began to find success I was looking for

Cheers

Post often it helps me it helps you

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

I know what you're talking about, man. Porn is the chains that keep you mediocre. Porn addicts rarely achieve their burning desire, if anyone actually does. I'm 31 years old and mediocre in everything. My sex life is none existent and I'm a sexual frustrated, bitter guy who wants to do a lot of things but the thought of doing them doesn't make me excited at all. I literally don't feel anything. Porn took away my motivation, my drive, my energy, my tolerance threshold and a lot more.

 

[joepanic]

I like the way you put it "Porn is the chains that keep you mediocre. " What would you consider the current state of your "reboot/recovery" As I have touched on recently being 4 years post discovery that I am actually addicted and had been for close to 38 years, the last 4 years have brought many changes. Some really long clean spells some failures a lot of learning and coming to the conclusion as to why I became addicted in the 1st place as well as why I continued to struggle for that many years and remained an addict. And of course learning how to "slowly" win the battle against this addiction. To me that is the real victory here
Throughout all this I have had a steady sex life for the last 15 years. My wife knew I surfed porn and couldn't have cared less. She also knows that I no longer care to watch it and for my own reasons. She knew IO watched it before we were married and I never gave her those bullshit lines of "Oh I'll give it up after were married" There was no lying ever. But quite frankly if she put me in a stressful position quite often I medicated that with porn. And she knew it. I think she probably thought it was better than turning to booze drugs gambling etc. The only problem is I was hurting myself. I bit my tongue enough times and bit hard on the bullet to not turn to porn in such situations.

Post often it helps me it helps you

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

I like the way you put it "Porn is the chains that keep you mediocre. " What would you consider the current state of your "reboot/recovery" As I have touched on recently being 4 years post discovery that I am actually addicted and had been for close to 38 years, the last 4 years have brought many changes. Some really long clean spells some failures a lot of learning and coming to the conclusion as to why I became addicted in the 1st place as well as why I continued to struggle for that many years and remained an addict. And of course learning how to "slowly" win the battle against this addiction. To me that is the real victory here
Throughout all this I have had a steady sex life for the last 15 years. My wife knew I surfed porn and couldn't have cared less. She also knows that I no longer care to watch it and for my own reasons. She knew IO watched it before we were married and I never gave her those bullshit lines of "Oh I'll give it up after were married" There was no lying ever. But quite frankly if she put me in a stressful position quite often I medicated that with porn. And she knew it. I think she probably thought it was better than turning to booze drugs gambling etc. The only problem is I was hurting myself. I bit my tongue enough times and bit hard on the bullet to not turn to porn in such situations.

Post often it helps me it helps you

Thanks, man. My current state of my addiction feels like I haven't improved at all in 3 years. My porn routine is the same I'm not talking about the knowledge that I've accumulated in this period of time, I am talking about how my routine is nowadays. And it hasn't changed much. I had a longer streak in the summer (50 days) and then I crashed like an airplane and since then it's the same old.

 

[joepanic]

My routines are far different than 3 years ago or even a year ago I have gone long steaks clean and lots of short streaks. I am no longer obsessed over it and the times i was on it the last few years were far shorter and less extreme... Almost weaning myself off of it over time, and as time goes by the patterns seem to break more and more. Never thought this was going to be a 4 year long process. But I think I really needed to look at what is keeping me going back rather than why I started in the 1st place. Looking at those "issues" and finding more constructive ways to deal with them. I see victory in my future

Post often it helps me it helps you