quit for good

GBS

Respected Member
Mine was all hidden. It’s betrayal pure and simple. I wonder what percentage are like me and what are like you. I am guessing 95% like me, but then there’s the many who don’t have a partner to answer to.

I have much shame to go through and my wife is being amazing but I am feeling like I have the hand of cards of all time and very slightly deserve a better hand given I have done 2 months of therapy.

Joe, you’re probably an example to us all with your say it as you see it style, and standing up for yourself, but you will surely understand those who are reticent to take any risks when the victim (often the woman) can just end it all. I am definitely in that boat. I don’t think it makes me weak (not that’s what you imply) just stuck while she very slowly tries to move on.

keep posting. I am on 72 days and 32 without MO. You helped me get there and I can;t thank you enough.
 

joepanic

Respected Member
Wow its now been 16 days of no chat and 15 days of no porn where did that time go. Never felt better.

GBS You mention "too much shame" Is this that you might have hurt your wife with your porn use or more based on what you might have done to yourself. I find I really have no shame in all the porn I watched over the years. but I do have regret of the time I wasted on it and the lost personal growth and opportunities. The things I could have learned or achieved. What a waste.

Is your wife considering moving on by chance?

{Post often it helps me it helps you)
 

GBS

Respected Member
My reference to “shame” is that mine is still a central part of my wife’s recovery. She wants me to confess all to the kids too. I will if I have to but it seems like an act of humiliation. She’s a recovering alcoholic (30 years off the sauce, mind) and I think she reckons my recovery has to mirror hers.

I don’t think she wants to move on, but it’s entirely possible I suppose.

I regret the porn addiction insofar as I can see I am a better person for avoiding it and I just wish I had been that person a long time ago.

keep going and I will too.
 

joepanic

Respected Member
Confess all to the kids? How old are they? it does seem like an act of humiliation for sure. I dion't see what purpose it serves unless you have been neglecting them because of it. Were you together through her alcoholism?

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GBS

Respected Member
Her alcoholism predated me. She says 12 step includes confession to those I affected. I didn’t neglect them but I guess I wasn’t as good as I could be. They’re late teens and early twenties. I am confident it will be ok but it’s still a rough one for me.
 

JerryTX

Active Member
Good journal on both sides GBS & Joe. I did hide my P addiction and while it has come out in the open I would agree that I have "answered" her questions about my porn use. I haven't divulged all details as I know that would hurt her even more. We have come out better because of it but she knows my struggle with P and lust. I can't imagine it being healthy to bring children into this as not sure what good it does.

I doubt any of this helps and really appreciate both your perspectives. Battle on against this P demon! Win the war!
 

GBS

Respected Member
The kids thing is a bit weird I freely admit but for my wife I think it’s essential. She says she’s hiding a secret from them and acting as if there’s no problem, and she’s exhausted of the acting. I back her up although it’s me that has to be humiliated. The kids are strong, and given there are boys in there this could open up a healthy discussion . We’ll see.
 

joepanic

Respected Member
22 days no chat and 21 days no porn Never felt better just a matter of keeping the momentum going. Really I found the big change came when I stood up to the controlling women in my life and made them take a deep look at themselves as to how their actions had affected me. Especially the lack of communication on my wife's part. A lack of communication just keeps the other side wondering nervous and anxious. A form of control. But not so much meant to control me but so she could have very strong control over her own environment. She just didn't realize it was affecting me. We have had some conversations recently (initiated by me of course) and things have greatly improved along with my porn use. Addiction recovery is a team effort. Not a time for revenge or humiliation.

GBS do your boys know about your wife's prior alcoholism?

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GBS

Respected Member
That’s really on point when you said “Addiction recovery is a team effort. Not a time for revenge or humiliation“. I think that’s a really tricky thing for the humiliated partner /wife but it’s what I am focussed on. Talking to my wife even when she says how hurt she still is, is actually a move in the right direction and way way better than the silent treatment. That really gnaws at your insides. Been there a lot and all it does is depress me and make into a weak pathetic puppy wanting to know what’s going on. And all this while you’re dealing with your own issues. No one said this would be easy. They were right.

Joe - yes the kids knew my wife alcoholism past. I don’t suppose they can possibly identify with what it’s like to be an alcoholic but I am guessing they can understand being a porn addict.

Keep writing please. You are part of my recovery and I thank you for that.
 

joepanic

Respected Member
Oh the silent treatment In my opinion the most immature move anyone can make. Most here know my backstory and that's that I have been addicted to this for 30 plus years. I have been married for 15 years and my wife knew i watched a lot of porn before we were married and during our marriage. She says it never bothered her because I didn't hide it from her. never let it get in the way of our sex life and always put her 1st. So of course my story is a little different than most. Only thing she didn't know was that I felt I was actually addicted to it. Quite frankly it burns the asses of some(see partners) here that I chose to keep the fact that I felt I was addicted from my wife. And i will continue to take that road. Its now been over 3 weeks that I am clean and again I don't actually have any urges and seem only sporadically affected by triggers. At this point there is no shame and very little regret over the whole situation.

The silent treatment helps no one never did never will. If i ever got treated with that I would pretty much leave till it came to an end. Communication is everything. Some may argue that since I chose not to divulge the fact that I was addicted as evidence that I am not communicating to my wife. If she ever asked me than I would admit to it. I've never lied to her since she knew i surfed it. If I sprain and ankle at work and manage to walk it off and come home feeling normal and don't say anything does that make me a liar?? But is I had a slight limp for the rest of the night and she asked me than of course I would feel the need to tell her what happened. Of the 2 of us I am actually the better communicator. Quite often i have to be the one to ask the tough questions in our house. And so often I don't always get an answer. In my opinion adding other's into the mix does not always help. But I do see your dilemma GBS. Perhaps at some point when you have beaten the addiction a discussion might be in order but at the moment all energy should be on building the strength to fight the addiction. Now is also not the time for "working on relationships"

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joepanic

Respected Member
Today marks 4 weeks of no sex chat rooms. probably the longest In have gone in several years. I found them to be a bigger issue than actual porn so for me this is pretty big. On that note come this Monday will be 4 weeks of no porn. Things are going so much better this time. Guess all it took was to stand up for myself a little more and do things "MY WAY"

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GrateClips

Active Member
one day at a time. The Count of Monte Cristo dug himself out of prison with a spoon.

remember its like working out.. numbers/days are important but come secondary to habit forming and how its starting to make you feel.
awesome job
 

GBS

Respected Member
Keep going Joe.

Can I ask you a question? You always said you were open with your wife about your porn use and she understood - but did/does she know that there was chat room stuff going on? I am not trying to flush you out, just that your situation certainly doesn’t mirror mine (I hid it all) and probably so many others, while you always said you were totally transparent. I wondered what your wife felt about chat rooms. I was guessing she would be less happy about that.
 

joepanic

Respected Member
She knew about that too probably the only thing she didnt know about was my cross dressing fetish which has also totally disappeared. But that is not a form of cheating in any way

I'm going to put it out there and this is probably going to be somewhat unpopular. But I really believe that my wife's acceptance of my porn use was that it relieved my stress considerably and my stress was something she didn't have to concern herself with. She is an exceptionally strong woman who needs complete control over her life and surroundings. This is something she has admitted to. It seems to run in her family. While I was "busy" hanging on the computer she was free to pursue her agenda unhindered. It is an unusual dynamic for sure but it worked for us for the most part. My giving up porn is based on me and not anyone else. In a funny way my giving up porn has forced my wife to look at herself and make some changes also. That was a bit of an adjustment period for sure but it seems to be working.

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GrateClips

Active Member
She knew about that too probably the only thing she didnt know about was my cross dressing fetish which has also totally disappeared. But that is not a form of cheating in any way

I'm going to put it out there and this is probably going to be somewhat unpopular. But I really believe that my wife's acceptance of my porn use was that it relieved my stress considerably and my stress was something she didn't have to concern herself with. She is an exceptionally strong woman who needs complete control over her life and surroundings. This is something she has admitted to. It seems to run in her family. While I was "busy" hanging on the computer she was free to pursue her agenda unhindered. It is an unusual dynamic for sure but it worked for us for the most part. My giving up porn is based on me and not anyone else. In a funny way my giving up porn has forced my wife to look at herself and make some changes also. That was a bit of an adjustment period for sure but it seems to be working.

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wow this very topic is what i wrote about yesterday - my wife basically encouraged me to MO (not PMO) when she was on her cycle or when she was tired for real sex. I took it hard to hear it that way but i've kind of gtten over that too. But my counter to this argument is that PMO/MO just artificially relieves the male sex drive and dulls our senses and our physical drive. Real sex is way better - an orgasm inside my wife even if its not the greatest has always felt way better and i feel way more relaxed (and not guilty) as opposed to PMO or MO.
 

joepanic

Respected Member
wow this very topic is what i wrote about yesterday - my wife basically encouraged me to MO (not PMO) when she was on her cycle or when she was tired for real sex. I took it hard to hear it that way but i've kind of gtten over that too. But my counter to this argument is that PMO/MO just artificially relieves the male sex drive and dulls our senses and our physical drive. Real sex is way better - an orgasm inside my wife even if its not the greatest has always felt way better and i feel way more relaxed (and not guilty) as opposed to PMO or MO.

I have to say I agree with your statement. Its too bad some couldn't find the merit of it. its only common sense and hurts no one. if that's the opinion of 2 consenting adults. I remember being taught in school that "masturbation" is supposed to be a normal function of growing up. Granted modern day porn is a real problem but the whole "beating your meat is cheating" Well that's a bit far fetched. Why shouldn't someone enjoy their own body. If my wife is too tired to do it would it not be for better for me to just go take care of business rather than push her and make her feel guilty?

Last night was really rough in the house. My 18 year old step daughter who hates me was throwing quite the temper tantrum. Punching her door damaging it and yelling how we "stole her childhood" This is a girl who was given piano lessons when she asked for them put ion synchronized swimming supported in everyway to become a qualified lifeguard and given 3 trips to Europe, last one being an exchange for 9 months (would have been a year if covid hadn't shut it down early by a few months. I have had to call the police already with her damaging things in the house. Now the reason I mention this is because it has actually had an effect on our marriage. Basically I must suffer in silence because their is no way my wife would kick her out, I don't want to kick her out but I also don't want to have our house damaged and our younger children to have to be witness to this kind of behaviour. With that being said at one time that would have been a major trigger to head for an hours long pmo session. It shows how much of a stand up guy I really am to swallow my pride and stay in silence as I continue to take "punches" from an 18 year old self entitled girl.

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joepanic

Respected Member
Another very good week all things considered. Daughter doing everything in her power to undermine me and show total disrespect in the house all around. But I have good strength of character. She won't be here forever and will have to enter the real world at some point. Then her eyes will be opened tot the harsh realities of our world. In the meantime I now find it easier to spend a little on myself after all these years of sacrifice to ensure our kids were given good opportunities in life

Cheers all

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joepanic

Respected Member
Day 1 There is much I will explain in a few days. A major change in my life but for now just glad to see day 1 finished. Off to bed now for work in the morning

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