quit for good
- Thread starter joepanic
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joepanic
Respected Member
Haven't been on to post much recently but things going extremely well I like who i am and also who I am becoming. It;s everyone else who needs to catch up to the new me. The me they all claimed they wanted me to be. It's true careful what you wish for. Hold someone to a higher standard they will probably hold you to the same once they get there
Post often it helps me it helps you
Post often it helps me it helps you
joepanic
Respected Member
It's been nice to be able to conduct my healing here without interferences challenges guilt trips or criticism from anyone else the last little while. It certainly has made it easier and less stressful. I think I have actually gone like 10 days not even thinking about porn. That is actually a major thing for me. A huge step forward. A new mindset I suppose
joepanic
Respected Member
Another week gone by. It's interesting for me it's not so much as abstaining from porn that I was looking for. It is living the life I always wanted to live... doing the things I wanted to do. I am starting to see snippets of that. It's a bit of a learning experience about myself to see how much i don't actually know that i thought I did know. How I am not as good at doing certain things as i thought I was. It's almost like just starting out in life and learning new things but knowing that i should have been in this position 30 years ago. Now at age 52 I am so damned busy its hard to make that start. Hope it makes sense. It might be another 3 or 4 years before I get the free time I need but it is what it is
Leonidas
Active Member
Amazing revelation, that last post of yours. It's like a stare that pierces right through you, only it's your own eyes that are doing the piercing! I imagine you feel a little regretful for not having started those projects earlier... but at same time, isn't it something that you found out late rather than never? 
joepanic
Respected Member
Life is good wife more into getting it on in the sac these days She is seeing a therapist regarding her control issues and it seems it's starting to help improve our marriage these days And her views on sex are definitely improving. Too bad she couldnt have admitted that problem 15 years ago. It may definitely helped me with my porn addiction But better late than never
joepanic
Respected Member
Things going well. I have the occasional m but not to porn of course. Chat rooms are now history also. and I am doing this in what seems to be the most stressful period of my life due to some changes in the economy/interest rates and so on. I am seeing some changes in my wife recently too due to her seeing a therapist over her control issues. This in turn is certainly helping me with my cause. if only more partners could see the value in a team approach fighting could be so much more easier. We are all hurting in some form and we are all victims on some form. Even porn addicts,,, We certainly did not choose to be and most of us had a pretty valid reason for turning to porn at some point in our lives.
joepanic
Respected Member
Feeling a bit emotional now days. I don't remember the last date I actually seeked out porn or a char room. I can say I am "cured" of that issue. Even in times of stress I don't think of heading for it. I don't go looking for it in times of depression or when I am alone or bummed at what is going on in my life(although my life is getting better) I just don't go to it anymore.... I don't have the interest to see it.
It is the bigger picture I am now concentrating on. I was in Toronto on Saturday along the lakefront and there were thousands of girls. You know how they dress when it gets hot and sunny out. It's hard not to look. I don't actually fantasize about just wanting to bang them or anything like that. I think about the life I led and how much I missed. Not just due to porn use but just life in general. All I did was worked for the benefit of others. I am seeing a light at the end of that tunnel though in about 4 years when I am 56. It might seem shallow but I want to be accepted by girls like that. My wife has been a bit lazy the last several years and has no limit of excuses for it. Unfortunately she was able to hold me to a higher standard than she would ever hold for herself. That is changing very slowly though and of course only on her terms. It is funny how she has no issue with me gawking at girls ever. I think that is her trade off to me for not putting in effort on improving her own health.
In the meantime I am still continuing to work on my own health. it's a slow process now due to how much is going on in our lives and the stress we are under but i suppose that is the trade off for not seeking porn.
More on it later when I have time to write
Cheers Post often it helps me it helps you
It is the bigger picture I am now concentrating on. I was in Toronto on Saturday along the lakefront and there were thousands of girls. You know how they dress when it gets hot and sunny out. It's hard not to look. I don't actually fantasize about just wanting to bang them or anything like that. I think about the life I led and how much I missed. Not just due to porn use but just life in general. All I did was worked for the benefit of others. I am seeing a light at the end of that tunnel though in about 4 years when I am 56. It might seem shallow but I want to be accepted by girls like that. My wife has been a bit lazy the last several years and has no limit of excuses for it. Unfortunately she was able to hold me to a higher standard than she would ever hold for herself. That is changing very slowly though and of course only on her terms. It is funny how she has no issue with me gawking at girls ever. I think that is her trade off to me for not putting in effort on improving her own health.
In the meantime I am still continuing to work on my own health. it's a slow process now due to how much is going on in our lives and the stress we are under but i suppose that is the trade off for not seeking porn.
More on it later when I have time to write
Cheers Post often it helps me it helps you
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joepanic
Respected Member
Day i just can't remember now.... Stopped counting the days some time ago Wow great sex with wife last night. So much stress in our lives and well what do ya know sex is a total antidote for it. Woke up feeling like a million dollars perhaps more later
post often it helps me it helps you
post often it helps me it helps you
joepanic
Respected Member
This entry is a total rant but its part of my healing. As they say "my journal my rules" I'm even willing to get booted from the forum for anything I say Much of it comes from the fact that being clean of an addiction gives me clarity of mind.
I'm getting ready to post in the success section. 5 1/2 years after joining. So many up's and downs, So many people have come and gone. it's been an emotional roller coaster which I can't wait to get off of. No offense to anyone here but when I am finished this fight I have no intention of ever looking back on it and will probably be gone forever. All part of moving forward. Unfortunately because there were a few partners who I felt "highjacked" this place to push their own agenda. They have left a really bad taste in my mouth. Made my fight that much harder. Thanks ladies.
So many of the facts that we were given as adolescents seem to work against us now that some of us are in our 50s. I was taught in sex ed in school that masturbation was a totally healthy thing to do for a 13 year old. Now here it seems that weather you do it to porn or not does not matter but its "cheating" Ranks right up there with doctors giving people cigarettes back in the 1930s as stress relieving medication.
Quite often addiction spawns from loneliness and was probably the case in my addiction
I really realised this about 4 years ago when my daughter was in grade 4 or so and i came home early from work one day and happened to be driving passed the school and saw her standing against the wall by herself, because she was a bit awkward and not very socially in tune. i was almost reduced to tears. Even as I am thinking about it now. But it took me back to my childhood and reminded me of how lonely I was as a child because i was a bit awkward and how others took advantage of that
There are times in this forum where I was made to feel that forgiveness should not ever be considered. Thank god I was always honest about my porn use to my wife. Do In seem a little jaded? I suppose but now that a certain partner has kind of disappeared it certainly has been easier. I think she knows who she is. take this as a lesson. Ladies you do not know our backstories you have no right to judge. Judge your own husbands boyfriends or whatever. You don't know about our childhoods our teen years our relationships. How some of us were used by girls to get what they wanted. Or told we were not the fucking "alpha male" so we were nothing. We were left in the friend zone. Good enough to depend on as needed but that was it. Some of us were gentleman and accepted it but we needed an outlet so porn filled the void in our lives. And now we are the bad guy. If my wife decided after a year of being clean of porn that I had to wait an indeterminable time for us to have sex again that would be the end of the marriage. i would explain to the kids that "mom can't find it in her heart to forgive me and move forward". I would tell them everything and let them make their own decisions on us. I suppose this is the pitfall to having a clear mind after all these years
Enough about all that this is moving forward
I have my health to consider. I quite enjoy the beach including the nude beach but at 6'4" and 253 lbs I simply don't feel I belong there these days so instead of tracking days clean of porn i will be tracking my weight and health. I did this a few years ago with pretty good results. Time to become the "alpha male" the ladies on the beach will get to take notice. So will my wife who will probably start to put in the effort to lose the 40lbs that she needs to dump off to ensure I always look at her 1st (even though I already do)
Got it feels good to get this off my chest. All part of the therapy
Post often it helps me it helps you (even if you disagree with my views)
I'm getting ready to post in the success section. 5 1/2 years after joining. So many up's and downs, So many people have come and gone. it's been an emotional roller coaster which I can't wait to get off of. No offense to anyone here but when I am finished this fight I have no intention of ever looking back on it and will probably be gone forever. All part of moving forward. Unfortunately because there were a few partners who I felt "highjacked" this place to push their own agenda. They have left a really bad taste in my mouth. Made my fight that much harder. Thanks ladies.
So many of the facts that we were given as adolescents seem to work against us now that some of us are in our 50s. I was taught in sex ed in school that masturbation was a totally healthy thing to do for a 13 year old. Now here it seems that weather you do it to porn or not does not matter but its "cheating" Ranks right up there with doctors giving people cigarettes back in the 1930s as stress relieving medication.
Quite often addiction spawns from loneliness and was probably the case in my addiction
I really realised this about 4 years ago when my daughter was in grade 4 or so and i came home early from work one day and happened to be driving passed the school and saw her standing against the wall by herself, because she was a bit awkward and not very socially in tune. i was almost reduced to tears. Even as I am thinking about it now. But it took me back to my childhood and reminded me of how lonely I was as a child because i was a bit awkward and how others took advantage of that
There are times in this forum where I was made to feel that forgiveness should not ever be considered. Thank god I was always honest about my porn use to my wife. Do In seem a little jaded? I suppose but now that a certain partner has kind of disappeared it certainly has been easier. I think she knows who she is. take this as a lesson. Ladies you do not know our backstories you have no right to judge. Judge your own husbands boyfriends or whatever. You don't know about our childhoods our teen years our relationships. How some of us were used by girls to get what they wanted. Or told we were not the fucking "alpha male" so we were nothing. We were left in the friend zone. Good enough to depend on as needed but that was it. Some of us were gentleman and accepted it but we needed an outlet so porn filled the void in our lives. And now we are the bad guy. If my wife decided after a year of being clean of porn that I had to wait an indeterminable time for us to have sex again that would be the end of the marriage. i would explain to the kids that "mom can't find it in her heart to forgive me and move forward". I would tell them everything and let them make their own decisions on us. I suppose this is the pitfall to having a clear mind after all these years
Enough about all that this is moving forward
I have my health to consider. I quite enjoy the beach including the nude beach but at 6'4" and 253 lbs I simply don't feel I belong there these days so instead of tracking days clean of porn i will be tracking my weight and health. I did this a few years ago with pretty good results. Time to become the "alpha male" the ladies on the beach will get to take notice. So will my wife who will probably start to put in the effort to lose the 40lbs that she needs to dump off to ensure I always look at her 1st (even though I already do)
Got it feels good to get this off my chest. All part of the therapy
Post often it helps me it helps you (even if you disagree with my views)
All the best, and wishing you a healthy future.
joepanic
Respected Member
Doing so well and it's so great my wife has gone to therapy to work on her own issues dealing with control and what I am now beginning to believe might be some sexual repression from long before we met. Either she had some issues in her sex life or her control issues got the best of her Whatever she discusses with her therapist it certainly is changing her for the better. i should have pushed for this 10 years ago. Can't imagine how that would have affected our marriage and sex life.
Forgiveness really is a powerful thing adding forget to the conversation mis even more powerful. Too bad more people can't see it
Post often it helps me it helps you
Forgiveness really is a powerful thing adding forget to the conversation mis even more powerful. Too bad more people can't see it
Post often it helps me it helps you
joepanic
Respected Member
Here is some food for thought "Porn has skewed men's expectations of women in much the same way as Only fans has skewed women's expectations of men"
Porn is a horrible thing till someone makes $50 000 a month on it. Glad I figured out pretty early on and realized it would be horrible to support such a thing
Porn is a horrible thing till someone makes $50 000 a month on it. Glad I figured out pretty early on and realized it would be horrible to support such a thing