My path to real life

[Free-man2018]

Day #28

Thank you 5Dawgs.
I'm fighting with this like everyone here. You're welcome. You can comment when you want.


Bad weather, bad state of mind.
I want to find the path in this jungle of thoughts?always looking for the future and i just to live present and it requires action and move?but sometimes I'm unable to move a muscle and do something?wether negative thinking or boredom?after comes depression?I need to clean my mind and view what I want to do in life and how to live it. Once someone said me I was thought too much. She was right.

I guess I have to make a plan, a life plan for the rest of my life and start from zero.

I need to find goals to achive this month, 3 months, 6 months, 1 year, 2 years and 5 years from here.

Reading about that and trying to dig in my mind to see the light.

God bless all of you who are fighting with this shit that ruined our lives! Let's achieve it!

 

[seneca]

If you don?t make a plan with clear goals, you?ll end up working the plans do others.

 

[Free-man2018]

Day #30

Yeah Seneca you're absolutely right.

30 days since I begun quitting this. It's a long road and I have to learn trough the process.
Next deadline: 40 days.

 

[5Dawgs]

Congrats on hitting a month!  I'm still very new here, and I've read some posts from guys who have celebrated some 3-digit number of days, but to me 30 days seems like a mountain to climb.  I don't think I've made it 30 days since my addiction really took hold 25+ years ago.  Over 100 might as well be the moon.  You should be proud.  Thanks for sharing!

 

[Free-man2018]

Day #32

Thanks 5Dawgs. Yeah it's a very hard Mountain to climb but we have to go step by step and don't looking back because we can fall.

I read yesterday that it needs 66 days to change a habit. 90 is still my deadline. I want to change this bad habit and others

 

[Free-man2018]

Day #33

Bad moments tonight. No sleep at all in the whole night. Why? I don't know?urges and cravings like never before, thoughts every minute. But I have resisted. I've been read a topic from one guy that are translating a very interesting succesful guide from one Chinese guy. It's very long and for me that I'm foreigner (my Language is not english) it's hard sometimes. I'm blind right now from read from the screen so I think I will rest for today.

He talks about brainwash mind from thoughts in his 2nd episode. Very interesting. I hope brainwash my mind each time I see a Beautiful woman but I don't want to be totally indiferent to them after all the effort.

I have Faith to active my short deadlines and go ahead step by step, reading a lot from here and from there. Trying to understand this shit and how to overwelm it.

We will be strong!

 

[5Dawgs]

English may not be your primary language, but I follow you just fine.  I have the same thoughts you do, and it's hard.  If anyone ever asked me what is the most beautiful sight in the world, I would say without hesitation - the female human body.  In all it's shapes, sizes, and varieties - not just what the false standards set by our over-sexed society.  I believe I will always feel that way, and I'll be happy if I do.  The trick for me is de-sexualizing the female form and appreciating her for her beauty, rather than as an object for my own pleasure.  Right now I am trying to practice averting my eyes, but I hope to grow to look on a woman as I would a beautiful painting, or a sculpture, or some other work of art.  I imagine that women who maintain a nice appearance do so because they take pride in themselves and want to make a good impression on those who see them.  They do not deserve to be mentally undressed by me or anyone.  However, there are some women, thankfully in the minority, who deliberately dress provocatively, perhaps to illicit a sexual response from a man.  My goal is to always be able to avert my eyes from their direction.  To instinctively say "I don't appreciate that, and I won't allow myself to respond in the manner she wants."  Of course, it's easier said than done.  But I'll keep trying.

 

[Free-man2018]

Thanks 5Dawgs.
Absolutely right with all of you said about the female human body man. You have expressed it as exactly as I have it in my mind. When I look a Beautiful painting or a fine art photograph of a woman that definetely triguers me but from the point of view of admiration and respect from female human body and Beautiful it is and how the masters show them. But somehow models in fashion mags showing more than they should and mags editors thinking in this like a marketing goodie. Show more = Sell more. The same happens with music female artists. Provocative images = sell more

Porn is step Beyond this but not too far.  I want to look woman as they are from a clean and admiration point of view not as dirty as usually as before i did. They?re Beautiful internally and externally.

Well?

Day #35

Appart of thoughts urges and cravings sometimes?one month after reboot I don?t have the bad habit of search porn , collect videos or pictures to my own pleasure. Days of P I usually spent Hours and Hours inmersed in forums collecting videos, wasting money in downloads providers? Maybe something is changing here. Now the main task is to fill these new hours of these new days doing something productive.

 

[Free-man2018]

Day #37

I'm closer to my next benchmark

The feeling these days is emptiness. I just want to sleep all day and night.
No interest in anything right now.
In PMO days?today would be one of these days in front of computer looking and download porn videos.All day.

I'm going to resist and I guess I have to find something to replace

Have a nice day everyone.

 

[5Dawgs]

Wanting to sleep all day, emptiness, loss of interest - all classic depression symptoms, my friend.  Seek help for that, if you haven't already.  Professionals can help us manage depression without acting out in ways we regret.  I speak from experience.

Stay strong and be well.

 

[TakeActionNow]

Free,
5Dawgs is right
Watch over yourself my friend.

My advice is to take action. only action delivers results:
read a book
go for a walk
cook something newly learnt from the internet
rearrange your place
paint your place
plan and go for a short trip
help out somewhere
listen to podcast : james altucher; rich roll are excellent guys
reread your journal. discover how far you've come

it doesnt matter what you do. Just do
only doing matters. Thinking is often a waste of time.
we all need time away from our head
doing delivers that and delivers success.


In terms of science, hack your brain
Dopamine - do something exciting/ take a trip !
Endorphin - do something physical / go for a run
Oxycontin - feel something / play with a pet
serotonin - eat something / chocolates are your friend

 

[Free-man2018]

Thanks 5Dawgs and TakeActionnow for the advices. I will try to follow them.

I had depression years ago and was medicated. I was thinking about it and maybe the right time to visit a especialist again.

Day #40

40 days clean. Almost the Half of 90.
I think I have the famous flatline. No cravings, tough I have thoughts?you know.
I feel better with my state of mind.
It's true that I need to do more than think  TakeActionNow you're right.

 

[TakeActionNow]

Free,

I mean you well.
Have you found a job already ?
If not, can you make it your #1 priority in life to do so?
I know its hard. I was in the same place only 6 months ago.

The negative mind is a tough monster to beat
It will tell you that everything you do will be meaningless
DO NOT BELIEVE IT !
IT IS NOT TRUE !

Believe in yourself, you WILL find a job

Finding a job is important in many ways:
1. money to spend on what you want
2. less free time for mindless wondering
3. purpose and direction in life
4. feeling good about achievement
5. having community
6. finding improvement

Dont give up. We are behind you !

 

[5Dawgs]

Ditto that.  2 of my favorite lines from the Star Wars films.  Call me a nerd, but they've actually become mottoes of my mine:

- "Your focus determines your reality."
- "I'm sure another solution will present itself."
(Qui Gon Jin, 'Episode I, The Phantom Menace')

Focus on the "what" and the "why", and the "who", "where", "when" and "how" will take care of themselves.

 

[Free-man2018]

Thanks for the quotes 5Dawgs, ?you aren't a nerd. I like the original star Wars trilogy? very inspiring as TakeActionNow words. Thanks to both of you.
Yes, I have to change that negative mind that don't allows me to make a step forward. It's definitely another monster to beat, you're right.
Negative thinking dig in the deepest of your selfsteem and willpower.

Thanks for your kind words.
I have no job yet. I think while this process go ahead. I will have a better selfsteem and I 'll find one job to Keep my mind busy and the most important of all it will allow me to progress in life. I'm stucked in a hole but I'm rising and I'm going to change a lot of things to achieve a better me.

Day #42

I didn't sleep very well tonight and the day before. I don't know why. I only slept 4 h. I remember when this happened to me before reboot, I could spend the rest of hours awake surfing the net looking for new porn stuff. But I don't want to do that anymore. Wild thoughts came to me again so I guess it was because mind was used to consume porn stuff.

I'm Reading "Goals" by Brian Tracy. Anyone read it?
It's about to have goals in your life and how to achieve them. Really interesting.
I'll put interesting things about it here in the journal.

I'm feel better and positive today

Maybe later I will write another post.

Thanks

 

[seneca]

Free, I?m a big fan of all that goals stuff.  Always have been.  I don?t do anything that?s not on a list.  Almost obsessive.  But I like it. It has serv d me well.  Mr Tracy is quite good at it.

 

[Free-man2018]

Yeah Seneca. I have notes full of lists everywhere. lol. I need to be more organised.

Day #45

Sick from yesterday. I don't know if too much thinking is the cause. Headaches and stomach disconfort.
I Learned something. Look to the future and don't live or don't know how to live the present, causes anxiety and stress in our body.

Tonight I had cravings and thinking in stimulate myself the demon on my shoulder wanted that but the angel in my other shoulder warned me and I could sleep eventually.

45 days clean today.
I thought I would feel better in terms of cravings but it's fine I will Keep fighting with this like everyone here. I'm in the middle of the way and make a back step means to come back to the starting point. I don't want to do that. I don't want to look back that way full of desires, bad habits and ruined life and I want to look forward and like in the Magical Wizard of Oz I want to find the Emerald city.

Cheers.

 

[ralenty]

Day 16: suffering here but keeping the guard up. Huge urges and some withdrawals I guess (bad temper and irritability) but I managed to stay clean and it feels like some sort of victory although I have doubts about my strength to keep the way....Anyway, above all I feel that I want to go through all this shit and get better so here I am....My bigest motivation is to become the best version of myself and I guess that for that I need to suffer a bit first.....

Free-man many thanks for your comments and views. Really appreciate them. I?ve gone through your journal and I can see that although you?re at day 46, you?re also struggling. Together man, we?ll got through this....
I gave some thoughts to your views on sharing this battle with the partner and I can see that you?ve got a good point but not sure about it.....as I said before, it scares me to death to tell my wife about my issues because she?s got enough in her plate and I don?t want to make her suffer....anyway may be at a latter point, when I feel better and winning this battle, I?ll tell her.....

 

[seneca]

Gents, really think twice about telling your wife for three good reasons:  1) you can tell her later but you can?t untell her 2) most women think porn is creepy and gross. 3) man up and carry your own water.

 

[Free-man2018]

Of course it's your own decision ralenty.
I just think that with support and trust of your partner it could be easier get out of this disease.

Day #47

I'm still sick, zero motivation to do anything. Maybe it's part of the process, maybe my brain is rewiring?I don't know. I'm focusing in fill my time I dedicated to porn in the past to do something productive and the most important that it has a meaning to me.

I have to change some things in my life:

Health
Physically:
It's very poor. Many problems caused by porn and procastination. Spring is the right season to start to get fit. Exercise is good for mind and body and self steem. better self steem could help me to fix another health issues. back issues, visual issues?many.

Mentally:
Too much thinking, I'm looking for phycologist or phsyquiatrist that help me with depression and anxiety that maybe were caused by this addiction. I don't know. In the past I had bad especialists and I want to choose a good one.

Relationships:
I want to fix my shyness, develop acknowledge in social skills, in relationships, I want to have a conversation with girls and looking at their eyes. I want to fix that awkwardness. I want to have the concentration that I had when I was a child?

Job:
I'm unemployed for years. It's very important and I have to focus in this right now to progress in life.
Job will allow me to rent an apartment > get self-sufficient > gain responsibility and maturity > gain respect from me and from others.

Hobbies:
Now I have to fill my time in something that porn didn't let me.
To have hobbies and enjoy of them. I need peace of mind. clear my mind. I need earn money with a job that let me develop some hobbies. I need that peace because when I'm wasting time in hobbies my mind tell me that I have to work. That sabotage has happened to me always. When I have studying my mind was telling me that I have to work instead of studying. When I was working my mind was telling me that I had to study etc... Maybe could be fixed with meditation. I will try it.

Some of my hobbies I want to make or develop are photography, drawing, swimming, skating, guitar playing, travels and weekends trips, museums and art expositions?

I need a plan to do all this things. Mark goals for all of them.

I have to tell you that I'm also quitting twitter of my life and feed news. Overinformation every minute is too much and is not good . I don't need to know so many news or silly things. I want to use my time better, smart and simple.