The Battle Still Rages.

mousemat1

Well-Known Member
This has been one of the most difficult struggles I've ever had to face. I've been suffering with PIED for about 4 years now. I'm in a relationship with a wonderful woman but our sex life has been non existent for almost 3 years. I feel so guilty that she's had to endure this for so long. I'm 53 years old.

How did it all start? The journey is much the same as for other addicts our age; porn mags, VHS tapes, dial up internet then BANG! tube sites. I've always been attracted to women and I've always had one particular fetish (it's nothing outlandish and probably quite mundane as fetishes go).

My taste in porn has passed through the well documented phases from vanilla to where I find myself now, getting off to transexual and sissy porn. HOCD raised its head about a year and a half ago and my fantasies revolve around being a submissive sissy. This is new for me so I know this is porn induced due to seeking new and novel genres to get my dopamine hit. My girlfriend doesn't know anything about this. I need to rid myself of this addiction because I love my girlfriend very much and want to have meaningful sex with her again.

I started NOFAP 22nd Feb 2016 and, like most people trying to quit porn addiction, I relapsed several times in the first month. I then managed a run of 41 days but relapsed one evening. It was only one night. I started counting again and managed a run of 66 day before I found myself masturbating to porn. Once again, this was just a relapse which lasted an evening. However, I did feel some benefits of the cumulative runs and managed to have sex with my partner 3 times in a month. I remember it felt amazing. After this I had a really bad month where I fapped seven times in one month. This was September 2016.

I started again. I had a run of NOFAP for 82 days and on day 83 I had sex with my partner. This led to a relapse and I fapped 14 times over a 3 month period. So, I started again. I abstained from porn and masturbation for 146 days! I flatlined the whole period. I panicked and watched some porn. As you might expect, I had no problem getting an erection to porn. It meant I'd broken my run but I went another 10 days without PMO before relapsing and so I started another run which lasted 62 days. Between October 2017 and January 2018 I relapsed 16 times.

On 2nd January 2018 I started again. I'm on day 52. This morning I had a solid erection which didn't subside for almost an hour! This is the first sign of any progress during this reboot. My penis has been dead and shrivelled since day one of this reboot.

The following might seem a little strange, but you have to understand that I am desperate. My girlfriend and I live and work in different towns so we only really see each other at the weekends. During the week the urge to masturbate to porn is so intense. I had to stop! I had to somehow break the connection between porn and gratification thought orgasm. To help me with this I bought a male chastity device. When I get home from work I lock myself up in this thing and stay locked up until the morning when I remove it before going to work. It's drastic, I know. I've unconsciously found my hands wandering down to start touching myself only to encounter this piece of plastic covering my cock. I wouldn't recommend this as a solution for everyone. It's not uncomfortable to wear during the evening but in the middle of the night when I do get fleeting nocturnal erections it's really painful. However, I haven't masturbated for 52 days. I think I've broken the unconscious habit of stimulating myself but I'm going to give myself another 30 days in chastity. It's always there as an option to prevent me from masturbating.

Today I think I felt the first green shoots of recovery, which prompted my to write this. I've struggled for years with this and just want to let others know that they aren't alone in this. I know it can be done because I have recovered in he past only to fall back into bad habits. If I have any other significant improvements or anything negative to warn you about I'll post again. If you have any questions I'll try and answer them.

Good luck to everyone trying to break this addiction and stay strong!
 

Whynot

Active Member
I see it?s been a tough journey for you, just keep it up and hang in there. Have you been journalling before on nofap? Maybe this time around journalling will help you. What?s HOCD mean?
 

mousemat1

Well-Known Member
Hi Papa.

HOCD = Homosexual Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

Thanks for the support. I've not kept a journal before so I hope you're right. I feel more determined than ever to kick this habit. Are you still struggling with porn addiction or have you managed to reboot?
 

Whynot

Active Member
I?m on day 125 and the battle is still there, I still struggle.  I have been at this since the summer of 2016, my longest streak was 200 days. 
 

mousemat1

Well-Known Member
Hi papa.

Have you shown any signs of recovery? Do you still suffer PIED after a 200 days streak?

I wish you well!
 

Whynot

Active Member
I don?t know if I have recovered or not.  What is recovery anyways?  Porn is always there and it?s too easy to watch it and access it so it?s hard to understand what recovery is. 
I wake up every morning with a morning wood, I get erections during the day often. I have not had sex yet so I?m not sure if I would get hard or not, so I?m not sure about my PIED
 
D

Deadcat

Guest
I'm impressed with how long you've gone during some of your runs and extremely impressed that you have taken such a drastic measure to find a cure.  I wish you luck.  I've read where the extreme fetishes are linked to viewing excessive porn and that those should go away once cured.  Real sex with real women is much better than anything you can watch.

As someone only on day 35, I am concerned about the relapses.  I plan to never open porn again but I agree it's always there.  My challenge is mostly on business trips or when I'm alone at home working.  I've focused on the benefits and my extreme desire not to return to the loser I was before.

Keep up the good fight, Sir and I'll be praying for you!
 

mousemat1

Well-Known Member
Thanks Deadcat.

Today has been really difficult. My mind has been telling me to go and check some porn. I haven't felt the need to lock up my penis for a few days but tonight I locked it up as soon as I got back from work. This is like some kind of madness. I'm writing here just to distract myself from checking out some porn. So, thanks for you comments because they've come at just the right moment.

Try to stay strong Deadcat. When those urges to relapse come up try to do something else. Go out for a walk. Take a shower. Some of my streaks have bee quite long but I've obviously really messed my brain up with porn because you'd think that after a run of 146 days there would be some improvement. This time I have to just stick at it until I'm cured.

From my experience, after long streaks I become either complacent or just want some reassurance that I can get an erection again. This has always been a big mistake. I know I can get an erection to porn now. I don't need to check. Don't let the stress of a flatline trick you into porn use again.

If you have any questions I'll be more than happy to offer any insights I've had. 35 days is a long time without porn so you too should feel very proud of yourself. Good luck!!!
 

mousemat1

Well-Known Member
I dreamt about porn last night and now I've got really string cravings to go searching for some. I've got to stay focused today and fight these urges.

The last few days have been pretty easy to be honest. I haven't needed to lock myself up and I've had very few porn thoughts. Interestingly, my HOCD fantasies have pretty much gone. One popped into my head the other night as I was waiting to fall asleep but it was really easy to dismiss because it just seemed alien to my nature. I'm quite happy about this as this obsession was getting to the point where I was looking at possible contacts to act out on it. Now, I feel almost no compulsion.

I've had no morning erections. My libido is still zero. If I can make it to the end of the day then I will have completed 65 days. The idea of reaching this point seemed impossible when I started this current reboot. I was crawling out of my skin during the first few weeks. Today's problem is my brain keeps telling me to have a peek. Interestingly though, my brain is telling me to search out women and not transexuals.

I just needed to vent some feelings to distract myself.
 

Free-man2018

Active Member
Yeah man. I have thoughts and cravings tonight like never before. I coudn't dream because I didn't sleep at all in the whole night. I was strong but i was closer to give up.
33 days for me.
 

mousemat1

Well-Known Member
Stay strong Free-man.

33 days is an amazing run. You do not want to reset your counter now. You are a third of the way to 90 days! 90 days brother!!!! Imagine how you're going to feel when you hit this milestone.

Keep going. My cravings have subsided a bit now. The problem is the night time before I go to bed. I've been trying to read more so I stay away for the computer. Then, when I'm tired I close the book and hopefully fall asleep.
 

mousemat1

Well-Known Member
It's day 74!

I've been flatlining for 74 days. I've had the occasional nocturnal erection but in reality death has moved into my pants and looks like he's going to take up residence forever! This is really frustrating.

The last 6-7 days were easy. I had no cravings to look at porn but tonight there is a worm in my brain, burrowing deeper and deeper, trying to convince me to just open up a tab and start playing with myself. I can't do it! I can't ruin 74 days now! I need to go to bed and sleep but the old porn pathways are burning tonight! I haven't used my chastity device for almost 2 weeks and I don't want to put myself in it tonight.

The positives from this 74 day run is that I've noticed that my cravings tonight are for straight porn. The thoughts I'm wrestling with are not coloured by shemale or sissy porn. I hope I've pretty much eliminated my need to search for this kind of porn. I've just got to stay strong tonight!

 

Whynot

Active Member
Just checking in to see how you are doing.  You mentioned you are married and you are doing a hard reboot reboot, how does she feel about not being intimate with you?
 

joepanic

Well-Known Member
Hey Mousemart    hope your still with us      I think there is hope as you only now have cravings for strait porn  I too used to go to the she-males  and even males  exc  I'm not at almost 100 days  and I no longer crave those topics in  porn  I do crave a little strait old fashioned porn  but even it is less  strong  But I still must be on my guard    I am so happy that the old kinky topics dont enter my mind like they used to  I feel normal again

    Fight the good fight and post often it helps me it helps you
 

mousemat1

Well-Known Member
Hey Joe!

I'm still here!  :)  I had a dream last night that involved gay men which surprised me. However, I think it was just my mind flushing out some of the old distorted fantasies. I feel better today because it's out of my mind. It's funny how these things still pop up. During my waking hours I have no urges to look at gay or transexual porn.

It's great to hear you feel normal again. Long may it continues and huge congratulations on 100 days!  ;)
 

JedClampett

Active Member
Mousemat1:

You don't say how many days you have been without P.

Remember the goal is to rewire and reboot.  During that time you can re-program your most important computer
and become a better person.  Pete Carroll the Seattle Seahawks coach once wrote a book called Get Better Each Day or
something along those lines.  That is what you are doing.

I've watched a lot of You Tube.com videos of Bobby Knight who is a very complex person in that he is certainly
Bi-polar and yet is one of the greatest basketball coaches.  He does a lot of great things.  He does some appalling things.
He does not have to be so rude to people though.  There does not seem to be an excuse for that.

He once said the desire to win is nothing.  Everyone wants to win.

Here is a quote I am using right now that is helping my own motivation:

"The will to win is not as important as the will to prepare to win."
from Robert Montgomery Knight, 902 wins in NCAA DI Basketball at Army, Indiana, and Texas Tech

I am preparing to win!

Keep me posted on how you are doing.  We will get the most out of ourselves by helping each other!!!
 

mousemat1

Well-Known Member
Hi Jed.

I haven't looked at porn, masturbated, or fantasised about porn for 95 days! I started this reboot on January 2nd.

I've been having some pretty horrific dreams and waking up in sweats but I understand that these are manifestations of the negativity leaving my mind. It's tough at the moment but my resolve is still 100%!

Thanks for commenting Jed! How is your reboot coming along?
 
D

Deadcat

Guest
Well done mousemat!  You are stronger than I avoiding masterbating.  Keep up the good work!
 

JedClampett

Active Member
mousemat1:

I believe I am finishing day 6.  Today I did not accomplish my main goal which was to do taxes.
I did do a lot of other things though, including replying to a letter from an NFL sports medicine doctor and
initiating a letter to the owner of that NFL team!

I stayed off Facebook except to check and see who added me as a friend.  Reboot Nation is filling several voids
for me.  I used to write on a website called Let's Run.com.  Lots of people get booted and re-booted from that
site.  In fact I think they did a "wholesale cleaning," of almost everyone 6 months ago.

But I got tired of LRC kicking me off and having to try to figure out how to get back on.  Usually you did not even
know why they booted ya!  In addition to that many of the posts on there are extremely negative.  People call you
names if you start a thread!  It's like they try to egg people on.  It's not just me, it's everyone who writes there.

LRC took up a lot of my time.  I went there everyday.
 

Karzam

Active Member
Congratulations for starting off PMO for 90+ days (I'm guessing you're around there by now!)!

I empathise re. your feelings about the flatline, I have the same - I'm afraid I can't offer any answers there, but I think no PMO is a good thing in itself really.

Karzam.
 
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