mousemat1
Well-Known Member
This has been one of the most difficult struggles I've ever had to face. I've been suffering with PIED for about 4 years now. I'm in a relationship with a wonderful woman but our sex life has been non existent for almost 3 years. I feel so guilty that she's had to endure this for so long. I'm 53 years old.
How did it all start? The journey is much the same as for other addicts our age; porn mags, VHS tapes, dial up internet then BANG! tube sites. I've always been attracted to women and I've always had one particular fetish (it's nothing outlandish and probably quite mundane as fetishes go).
My taste in porn has passed through the well documented phases from vanilla to where I find myself now, getting off to transexual and sissy porn. HOCD raised its head about a year and a half ago and my fantasies revolve around being a submissive sissy. This is new for me so I know this is porn induced due to seeking new and novel genres to get my dopamine hit. My girlfriend doesn't know anything about this. I need to rid myself of this addiction because I love my girlfriend very much and want to have meaningful sex with her again.
I started NOFAP 22nd Feb 2016 and, like most people trying to quit porn addiction, I relapsed several times in the first month. I then managed a run of 41 days but relapsed one evening. It was only one night. I started counting again and managed a run of 66 day before I found myself masturbating to porn. Once again, this was just a relapse which lasted an evening. However, I did feel some benefits of the cumulative runs and managed to have sex with my partner 3 times in a month. I remember it felt amazing. After this I had a really bad month where I fapped seven times in one month. This was September 2016.
I started again. I had a run of NOFAP for 82 days and on day 83 I had sex with my partner. This led to a relapse and I fapped 14 times over a 3 month period. So, I started again. I abstained from porn and masturbation for 146 days! I flatlined the whole period. I panicked and watched some porn. As you might expect, I had no problem getting an erection to porn. It meant I'd broken my run but I went another 10 days without PMO before relapsing and so I started another run which lasted 62 days. Between October 2017 and January 2018 I relapsed 16 times.
On 2nd January 2018 I started again. I'm on day 52. This morning I had a solid erection which didn't subside for almost an hour! This is the first sign of any progress during this reboot. My penis has been dead and shrivelled since day one of this reboot.
The following might seem a little strange, but you have to understand that I am desperate. My girlfriend and I live and work in different towns so we only really see each other at the weekends. During the week the urge to masturbate to porn is so intense. I had to stop! I had to somehow break the connection between porn and gratification thought orgasm. To help me with this I bought a male chastity device. When I get home from work I lock myself up in this thing and stay locked up until the morning when I remove it before going to work. It's drastic, I know. I've unconsciously found my hands wandering down to start touching myself only to encounter this piece of plastic covering my cock. I wouldn't recommend this as a solution for everyone. It's not uncomfortable to wear during the evening but in the middle of the night when I do get fleeting nocturnal erections it's really painful. However, I haven't masturbated for 52 days. I think I've broken the unconscious habit of stimulating myself but I'm going to give myself another 30 days in chastity. It's always there as an option to prevent me from masturbating.
Today I think I felt the first green shoots of recovery, which prompted my to write this. I've struggled for years with this and just want to let others know that they aren't alone in this. I know it can be done because I have recovered in he past only to fall back into bad habits. If I have any other significant improvements or anything negative to warn you about I'll post again. If you have any questions I'll try and answer them.
Good luck to everyone trying to break this addiction and stay strong!
How did it all start? The journey is much the same as for other addicts our age; porn mags, VHS tapes, dial up internet then BANG! tube sites. I've always been attracted to women and I've always had one particular fetish (it's nothing outlandish and probably quite mundane as fetishes go).
My taste in porn has passed through the well documented phases from vanilla to where I find myself now, getting off to transexual and sissy porn. HOCD raised its head about a year and a half ago and my fantasies revolve around being a submissive sissy. This is new for me so I know this is porn induced due to seeking new and novel genres to get my dopamine hit. My girlfriend doesn't know anything about this. I need to rid myself of this addiction because I love my girlfriend very much and want to have meaningful sex with her again.
I started NOFAP 22nd Feb 2016 and, like most people trying to quit porn addiction, I relapsed several times in the first month. I then managed a run of 41 days but relapsed one evening. It was only one night. I started counting again and managed a run of 66 day before I found myself masturbating to porn. Once again, this was just a relapse which lasted an evening. However, I did feel some benefits of the cumulative runs and managed to have sex with my partner 3 times in a month. I remember it felt amazing. After this I had a really bad month where I fapped seven times in one month. This was September 2016.
I started again. I had a run of NOFAP for 82 days and on day 83 I had sex with my partner. This led to a relapse and I fapped 14 times over a 3 month period. So, I started again. I abstained from porn and masturbation for 146 days! I flatlined the whole period. I panicked and watched some porn. As you might expect, I had no problem getting an erection to porn. It meant I'd broken my run but I went another 10 days without PMO before relapsing and so I started another run which lasted 62 days. Between October 2017 and January 2018 I relapsed 16 times.
On 2nd January 2018 I started again. I'm on day 52. This morning I had a solid erection which didn't subside for almost an hour! This is the first sign of any progress during this reboot. My penis has been dead and shrivelled since day one of this reboot.
The following might seem a little strange, but you have to understand that I am desperate. My girlfriend and I live and work in different towns so we only really see each other at the weekends. During the week the urge to masturbate to porn is so intense. I had to stop! I had to somehow break the connection between porn and gratification thought orgasm. To help me with this I bought a male chastity device. When I get home from work I lock myself up in this thing and stay locked up until the morning when I remove it before going to work. It's drastic, I know. I've unconsciously found my hands wandering down to start touching myself only to encounter this piece of plastic covering my cock. I wouldn't recommend this as a solution for everyone. It's not uncomfortable to wear during the evening but in the middle of the night when I do get fleeting nocturnal erections it's really painful. However, I haven't masturbated for 52 days. I think I've broken the unconscious habit of stimulating myself but I'm going to give myself another 30 days in chastity. It's always there as an option to prevent me from masturbating.
Today I think I felt the first green shoots of recovery, which prompted my to write this. I've struggled for years with this and just want to let others know that they aren't alone in this. I know it can be done because I have recovered in he past only to fall back into bad habits. If I have any other significant improvements or anything negative to warn you about I'll post again. If you have any questions I'll try and answer them.
Good luck to everyone trying to break this addiction and stay strong!