I can't take it, time to change

This is my first journal entry so it'll be longer than the rest.

I'm a 20 year old college student with great friends and good physical health. I landed a job that has me set up to make a lot of money in my career and "live the dream." I'm a decent looking guy and most people, I think, believe I do well with girls. But there's always something weighing me down and prevents me from really being happy.

It's tough as hell to accept it. But the pain and anxiety that it causes is worlds more difficult. I have PIED. I'm planning on doing something foreign to me with this journal; telling all the truth and nothing but the truth. None of you will likely ever know me in person, but this journal will give you an inside look at me in ways even my family doesn't know. So here it goes.

I still remember my first PMO which was also my first actual O. If I had to guess I was probably 12 years old. If only I knew what laid ahead. Eight years later and I've got PIED. At my worst I would PMO 5 times a day and sometimes watch porn for hours on end trying extend that feeling.

The first time I had ED I was a Junior in high school. I was at a party and was drunk but not stupid drunk and couldn't get it up with a girl. I shrugged it off as a complication of the alcohol. Years later I've had ED that's stopped me in the moment with 7 girls and caused me to avoid putting myself in sexual situations countless more times. That's not to say I haven't had my share of enjoyable experiences with girls in bed but it's never been the real thing and those experiences are far less frequent now. I claim I'm not a virgin because I've gotten it half up and made penetration with a few thrusts with one girl. But it was a demoralizing experience that tore me down more than bringing me up. But my friends don't really know this. They think I've had sex with multiple girls because I've lied to avoid the embarrassment. I was typically the alpha of groups growing up and had all the confidence in the world, but as I watched my friends all lose their virginities and talk about their great nights of sex, I couldn't help but get down on myself.

It got to the point where I don't find going to parties fun anymore because I look at girls and know that it's not worth pursuing them because if I'm successful I'll bring them back to my place and end up embarrassing myself and disappointing the girl. I've continued to PMO about 3 times a week. But I don't watch porn because I'm horny, I watch it because I feel the craving for it.

I first learned about PIED coincidentally enough when I was trying to watch porn. Typing porn into my browser no longer brought up the sites but instead brought up articles about PIED. The more times I briefly clicked on them the more I believed it was actually what I had. I found this site today and it confirmed my suspicions.

So now I'm starting. Today I deleted my dating apps and got rid of my swimsuit magazines to remove those triggers. From this day forward I hope to never PMO again. I know that relapses can happen but I'll do my best to avoid them. I don't know how long my reboot will take. It could be 2 months, 6 months, or even 2 years, but I know that every day I hold out is another day closer to freedom from this unforgiving constraint.

The rest of my journals will be much shorter but for this one I needed to get it out there. I'll try to update each day but I'm sure I'll miss some. It's gonna be a tough journey, but it needs to happen.

Day 1
2/24/2018
 

JB1997

Member
This is awesome man, awesome that you have started this journey. Wishing you the best of luck, but just know it isn't about luck, it's about self-discipline. The outcome is in your control, luck is not needed. One message that really resonated with me was from a speaker named Jim Qwik. He's a memory expert, I saw a talk he had on youtube so it has nothing directly to do with PIED. However, he said "Reasons reap results." This always stuck with me, as he went on to talk about the idea of how motivation is needed for any sort of outcome, and that motivation starts with reasons for that change. My advice to you would be to just stay focused on those reasons why you are on here, starting on day 1, and don't lose sight of them. With enough reasons, you will have enough motivation to cause that change. There are hard days/weeks ahead, but don't lose sight of those goals (write them down, journal, etc....whatever works for you.) Just stay focused, that is the key going forward.

This forum helped me a tremendous amount in the beginning and still helps me on this journey. My last time I viewed porn was December 18th. I've had improvement thus far, so I can tell you it does work. Just stay on track, and know that people on this forum are here for you just offering their support, so be sure to check in from time to time as you post.
 
JB1997 much appreciated man. I couldn't agree more about the reasons part. In those tough moments it'll be all about remembering why I'm doing it.

 

21zo

Member
I can relate to your back round story almost word for word.  Im telling you quit!! Its not goin to be easy but you will see benefits within the first 2 weeks.  I am on day 53 and have never felt better mentally my anxiety has reduced drastically and my depression has been almost non existant.  Mind set plays a large roll in sex and PIED and im telling you I feel great.  physically I am getting there, making some strides but have a ways to go.  Some advice that helped me, turn on parental locks on your settings app this blocks all porn from being acceseed.  Avoid using your computer in isolated places, go to the library, sit in your living room just be somewhere social so you are not tempted. Finally I find writing on these forms to be a good way to heep you motivated and inform yourself.
 
21zo, it's nice to hear that someone else has the same back story. Day 53 seems like a far away place but I'm determined to get there. I think that the parental locks is a good idea. Another road block for those desperate moments.
 

zander13

Respected Member
good luck man. A lot of people will give you their 2cents on this matter, but in the end you decide what you want to focus on. If you ever need anything let me know
 

21zo

Member
IMO the hardest part is getting going, you have to start somewhere.  After the first 2 weeks I personally think it got easier, I am at a point rn where watching porn is something I am not even considering or thinking about watching.  But with this being said I have tried and failed many many times but I honestly believe that this time is different 1. because this is the best/ most confident I have felt in years 2. Because starting over would fucking suck 3. I believe this one is the most important and the reason I am going strong this time around is because I educated myself.  Go on youtube and watch peoples success stories you will learn so much and be even more motivated to give it up for good its a mindset and you really have to fully committ.  On the real though your life will be 10X better once you make the commitment I guarantee it.
 
Day 2

Today was good pretty much all day. About 30 minutes ago it got tough. I've been working on a project for school so that's kept me distracted which is nice, but I was just now looking for pictures to put in the slide deck. I was looking for people drinking coffee and just seeing the images of attractive women sipping some joe was a trigger. It makes me realize how much I actually rely on porn. Now that I can't go pull something up on my phone and have a release it's evident. It actually sucks knowing that I can't go watch that. In my mind I was certainly thinking about how great it would be to just take a day off. Thinking oh it's normal, I'll feel so much better.

The end result was that I didn't give in and it actually feels good to take some control. I would have given in if it weren't for this site. Seeing other people's stories has given me reason to keep going. I want to do this in one go without any relapses because I know it's possible. I just have to focus. Making a journal was instrumental as well because now it's no longer just an idea in my head. I've put it out there and declared I'm gonna make it. I can't tell myself "well I can actually wait to start because I didn't really mean it."

Thanks guys. We got this shit.
 
Day 5

Things have been real busy. I was studying for an exam and so I didn't have time to think about much else. Other than a few short moments I haven't wanted to watch porn at all. Did have my first vivid and memorable dream in a while two nights ago. Albeit about meeting warren buffett and talking about books. Haven't gotten much sleep and I'm exhausted. Gonna go take a well deserved and very long nap.
 
Hey man I can definitely relate to you. I'm 20 years old in college, have always been the biggest/fastest/strongest alpha male of most of my friendgroups, and its embarrassing that I have ed especially when I hear all of my friends talk about their experiences. I resonate with you especially when you say that you are scared of bringing girls back... BRO SAME. Generally I am hesistant to even flirt at parties because I know that if I manage to get them home it will all be for not. I don't really ever get cravings for porn, I think my pied is due to my escalation to disgusting genres, but I think those cravings will soon subside bro. Soon the toughest part will be resisting your natural urges. And even though I look like I should be getting natural urges and popping boners all the time, I do not, but hope to soon. Stick with it bro!
 
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