iwanttobeagoodman
Member
Hi,
My name is iwanttobeagoodman and I am addicted to porn. I also have problems living out porn fantasies with prostitutes, which is illegal, and puts me at risk of things like deadly STDs and the law, extortion, literally risking everything I have, relationships, career, everything.
I have lost multiple relationships because of ED and/or losing interest in my partner, which goes away when I have been able to cut out porn, which I've somewhat been able to do in the last 3 years or so.
I've managed to cut it out for 90 day stretches maybe twice in the last 3 years, but it keeps creeping back in, slowly looking at CraigsList, dating sites, then ads for prostitutes, then full on porn videos, quickly progressing to really sick shit, downward spiral, we all know the story. The type of shit I really can't write in case anyone ever actually linked this to me.
Things usually first creep in sorta by the back door, "oh I'll just look at X real quick just to see, it doesn't matter because I'm out of town, I won't have to perform sexually for a while anyway, just this one time etc". Travelling a lot lately the "oh I'm out of town" excuse has been used basically EVERY time.
My behavior absolutely horrifies me when I have clarity and can reflect on it (like now). Its really amazing how I can't get this one thing under control. Its completely compulsive. I just feel this urge arise within me, my brain makes some excuse or rationalization, and I'm back in it.
I've made some progress over where I was, and I think I am capable of dong this, but I am still risking literally everything right now. I could easily just throw my entire life away.
What I learned from my recent problem:
I make random little excuses like "Oh I'm out of town, one little look at this stuff isn't going to hurt THAT much this ONE time.". I need to catch these excused and choose to stop this. Its like I need to keep one step ahead of the excuse making mechanisms and defeat new excuses as they arise. I want to have a good sex life in real life.
I want to be a better man.
FOCUS on these Goals:
Be able to be alone, e.g. travel somewhere alone, spend an evening on my own, without defaulting to porn. Reach a point where those urges don't arise.
Sexually confident, not always worried about ED, worried about when the last time I looked at porn was.
Fix my weird porn induced sexual fetishes.
Be more social
Have a solid relationship with my partner, not always thinking about how long its been since we had sex and if its been weirdly long.
Don't lose her.
Be having good sex maybe twice a week.
Be able to have a drink without worrying about what I might do.
Let go of the guilt and the shame.
Free up time for other more productive and fulfilling things.
Be able to look at myself in the mirror.
Keep new laptop eternally porn free
[DAY 1] (I shall aim to post daily in the morning. Where can I go here?)
My name is iwanttobeagoodman and I am addicted to porn. I also have problems living out porn fantasies with prostitutes, which is illegal, and puts me at risk of things like deadly STDs and the law, extortion, literally risking everything I have, relationships, career, everything.
I have lost multiple relationships because of ED and/or losing interest in my partner, which goes away when I have been able to cut out porn, which I've somewhat been able to do in the last 3 years or so.
I've managed to cut it out for 90 day stretches maybe twice in the last 3 years, but it keeps creeping back in, slowly looking at CraigsList, dating sites, then ads for prostitutes, then full on porn videos, quickly progressing to really sick shit, downward spiral, we all know the story. The type of shit I really can't write in case anyone ever actually linked this to me.
Things usually first creep in sorta by the back door, "oh I'll just look at X real quick just to see, it doesn't matter because I'm out of town, I won't have to perform sexually for a while anyway, just this one time etc". Travelling a lot lately the "oh I'm out of town" excuse has been used basically EVERY time.
My behavior absolutely horrifies me when I have clarity and can reflect on it (like now). Its really amazing how I can't get this one thing under control. Its completely compulsive. I just feel this urge arise within me, my brain makes some excuse or rationalization, and I'm back in it.
I've made some progress over where I was, and I think I am capable of dong this, but I am still risking literally everything right now. I could easily just throw my entire life away.
What I learned from my recent problem:
I make random little excuses like "Oh I'm out of town, one little look at this stuff isn't going to hurt THAT much this ONE time.". I need to catch these excused and choose to stop this. Its like I need to keep one step ahead of the excuse making mechanisms and defeat new excuses as they arise. I want to have a good sex life in real life.
I want to be a better man.
FOCUS on these Goals:
Be able to be alone, e.g. travel somewhere alone, spend an evening on my own, without defaulting to porn. Reach a point where those urges don't arise.
Sexually confident, not always worried about ED, worried about when the last time I looked at porn was.
Fix my weird porn induced sexual fetishes.
Be more social
Have a solid relationship with my partner, not always thinking about how long its been since we had sex and if its been weirdly long.
Don't lose her.
Be having good sex maybe twice a week.
Be able to have a drink without worrying about what I might do.
Let go of the guilt and the shame.
Free up time for other more productive and fulfilling things.
Be able to look at myself in the mirror.
Keep new laptop eternally porn free
[DAY 1] (I shall aim to post daily in the morning. Where can I go here?)