It's been said many times but I think it's worth repeating,
rebooting is not a linear process. I'm writing this because yesterday I felt as though my penis was dead, but this morning I woke up with a raging hard on.
There are moments when I have real doubts that rebooting with heal my PIED, but I just try to push the thoughts out of my head. These thoughts are not reality. All thoughts about possible future outcomes of my reboot are simply illusory. The reality of my situation is that I have PIED as a result of years of watching pornography. I'm just trying to remain focused on the fact that I have another 24 hours in which I have to avoid porn. If I think about how long this recovery is going to take there are two problems associated with this. Firstly, I don't know how long it's going to take so all thoughts about my recovery are illusory. Secondly, if I think that I'll have to wait another 5 months to recover it seems overwhelming and a challenge that I don't have the power to overcome. Thinking about the next 24 hours is manageable. I read an article somewhere that in the military recruits are asked to answer the question,
'how would you eat and elephant?'. The logical answer being,
one bite at a time. This is how I want to approach my reboot.
I've read a number of posts on this forum addressing the issue of
honesty in relationships. I understand why this is a big issue for partners of porn addicts and I obviously can't speak for all porn addicts, but here is my point of view on this point. Firstly, there are only two possible outcomes to any question; an
honest answer or a
dishonest answer. There are obviously situations where somebody answers a question out of ignorance. Somebody might ask you for directions to a street and you mistakenly send them in the wrong direction. Obviously, this is not an intentional decision to deceive somebody. However, I've read posts about partners revealing their pain at being lied to about their other half's porn addiction and see this as some kind of betrayal. There are no grey areas here. A lie
is a lie. What
is important in these confrontations is the motivation of the
liar. If you are making
a real effort to quit porn so that you can focus your attention on your partner and give them the commitment that a long term relationship deserves then I would excuse a dishonest answer to a direct question about your porn use and relapses. Make no mistake, it is
still a lie, but if your motivation is to protect your partner from unnecessary pain then I think it might be acceptable. If you are lying to your partner about your porn addiction and have
no intention of quitting then you are a bastard! It is for this reason I believe motivation is all important. There is
no partner who has
never lied to their other half. They might be motivated by a desire to reassure (no, my last partner's penis wasn't as big as yours / I've only had sex with one other guy), but make no mistake that if you've ever used this kind of tactic,
you are a liar. So, if your partner is
really trying to quit their addiction try not to be too distraught if you discover they have lied about their porn use during their reboot. I know this sounds overly simplistic and when you feel the rawness of the pain it's very difficult to be objective about it. I have
lied to my partner about my porn use in the past, but I was
really trying hard to stop using. It made no sense to make her feel worse about our situation. Nevertheless, under the strict guideline of what is honest or dishonest, I
am a liar!
Porn becomes a habit, like biting your nails, and while we are trying to kick the habit there are going to be moments when we unconsciously put
our fingers in our mouths. During my past reboots I didn't want to relapse but there were occasions where I discovered that I had
my fingers in my mouth. It takes time to unravel these habitual patterns and it's incredibly difficult but I for one am determined to overcome this addiction and
my motivation behind this is so I can be a better person for my partner.
Porn addicts don't need fully functioning penises in order to get our pleasure. We don't need sexual partners. We have the internet and vaginas are redundant. So, if your partner is trying to beat this addiction I think it's reasonable to assume that they're motivated by something other than wanting penetrative sex. That other motivation might just be their deeper understanding of the pain they are causing the person they love.
So, porn addicts, make a decision. If you decide that you want to get your kicks from internet porn
leave your partner today and let them find someone with whom they can develop and grow and feel some self worth. If you
love your partner then beat this addiction
for them! Be strong and make your partner the most important reason you are going to overcome this addiction. Good luck and, if you got this far, thanks for reading. I'm just thinking out loud but I hope my story might be of help to some other rebooters.