The Monkey On My Back

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Deadcat

Guest
Mouse, thanks for sharing.  Our journeys seem to be on a similar path.  You're about a month ahead of me but I having the same experience.  I'm not on hard mode and have masturbated with some success.  But mostly I'm living in limp dick city which must be in Australia because "down under" I feel nothing.  It sucks but like you I'm being patient.  I'm just praying I'm more of a one year reboot guy and not a 2 to 3 year like I've read with some.  Regardless, I'm on this road until I'm healed.
 

mousemat1

Well-Known Member
Hi Deadcat.

Thanks for the reply. How frequently have you been masturbating? Do you find that you go into another heavy flatline after you masturbate. I masturbated on the 20th April and I seemed to go into another deep flatline. I masturbated again on the 1st of this month and I was still getting some morning erections in the days after. I masturbated again yesterday morning and during the day I was getting 'a rumour' in my pants later in the day. It seems I can masturbate without worsening my flatline at the moment (I don't want to exaggerate though). I'm going to give myself another week or two without to see if things improve.

The one thing I have noticed is that my sensitivity is high, which is a huge improvement. When I'm ready for sex again the problem is probably going to be premature ejeculation, but I could live with that if I could just get hard enough and long enough to have sex.

You're 100% right, my friend! This sucks! It's great to hear that you're committed to this no matter how long it takes. I hope you recover soon.  ;)    I find it hard to believe that anyone could take 2 to 3 years to recover if they stick to hard mode. You're right though, some guys are reporting loooooong reboots!

Good luck and I hope to read your success story soon!  :)
 
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Deadcat

Guest
Yes.  After masturbating I do go into flatline.  Shriveled penis.  Loss of morning wood.  When I go without, I get morning wood sometimes I get erections during the day.  I also notice my penis looks larger when I go without masturbating.  Sounds like you are turning a corner.  I hope I'm not far behind.  I do think my four years of ED drug dependence is coming into play.  My mind doesn't know how to get hard without them.  I need to stay off of those and remind myself what its like to become erect with out help from Porn and from drugs.
 

malando

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Hi mousemat, I've read your thread with interest. I think you're doing well with beating your addiction but one thing that strikes me is that you are waiting for your libido to return in a vacuum. I mean, you have an attractive partner, and instead of directing some affection towards her and seeing how your body responds, you are staying in your own protected space waiting for the urge to have sex to return before going to seek out your attractive partner. Does this not sound a bit strange to you?

In my opinion, you need to be physically interacting with your partner in order to reinstate a response to her. Over the age of 50, I don't think your body "owes" you any erections - you aren't the fountain of testosterone you once were. You need to seek out the intimacy with your girlfriend to awaken those feelings. I'm not really surprised that you are having an eternal flatline because you have trained yourself off sex. Of course that was necessary to beat your addiction, but eventually the void must be filled by the healthy alternative that inspired you to reboot. Maybe you are wanting to feel more confident that things will work with your girlfriend before you risk intimacy with her? But you can't do that forever. She can't wait forever and neither can you. If you don't rewire to sex with people,your recovery will remain incomplete. You have to take a leap of faith at some point. You don't have to dive right in and announce that you plan to do the deed. Just start with some tender touching and observe if you feel the arousal building. I suspect it will, but you have to leave your safe cocoon to try it. Nature made us to respond to the real situation of sex - not abstract, lonely thoughts about maybe one day having strong erections with yourself! I think you've done your time, time to put yourself out there and experience your response to your girlfriend.

Just my take. Best wishes, M.
 

mousemat1

Well-Known Member
Hi malando.

Thanks for your comments. I have been trying to be intimate with my partner. This is the whole purpose of my reboot. Even when we are touching I get very weak erections which aren't sufficient for penetrative sex and the erection doesn't last that long anyway. I think the reality is that I'm not at that stage of my recovery yet. The last time I rebooted successfully my brain and my penis just reconnected and away we went. This time there is still some disconnection so I know I'll have to wait a while longer. We still enjoy each others bodies but I think the sensitivity of my dopamine receptors is still off whack.

I'll keep you posted on any developments though.  ;)
 

mousemat1

Well-Known Member
Today is day 200. While I'm happy to have been porn free for 200 days, I'm not so happy about my progress. A few weeks ago I felt as though my interest in sex was returning. Now, I feel nothing!

My morning erections are sporadic. When I'm with my partner I feel absolutely no urge to get intimate with her. In fact, the idea sometimes make me feel ill. I could try to force myself to be intimate but I know that I wouldn't get hard enough to penetrate her. I am just void of all sexual thoughts.

There is one exception. I know I could get excited to porn. I've gone this far and there is no way I can even contemplate breaking my reboot, but I'm pretty sure that I could get 100% hard if I opened up some porn.

I suppose there is still a long journey ahead of me. I'm in two minds whether to reintroduce some regular masturbation (perhaps once a week), but after reading lots of posts here and on https://www.yourbrainonporn.com it seems that most long rebooters recommend sticking to hard mode.

I feel a bit down this week. It's strange. I'm proud of my run but I really expected to have seen some concrete signs of recovery. Having said that, I read Gabe's story and he also took a long time to recover.

Stay strong and hopefully we'll all recover.
 
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Deadcat

Guest
I'm right there with you.  Stay strong.  It's a long journey but the benefits will be worth the struggle.
 

mousemat1

Well-Known Member
Thanks Deadcat.

Sometimes the journey wears you down, but if we keep the goal in mind, we'll get there in the end.  :)
 

mousemat1

Well-Known Member
I woke up this morning, Day 207, with a really strong erection. I lay in bed thinking about the things I needed to do at work today and 15 minutes later I still had a strong erection. This feels like a significant step for me. I don't know if it is a sign of the healing process, but it certainly was something I haven't experienced since I was in my late teens or early 20s.

Usually, if I wake up with an erection it disappears within a couple of minutes.

I'll keep posting any developments if I think they might be useful signs of recovery.
 

mousemat1

Well-Known Member
What have I done to myself as a result of my porn use?    :(

This morning, when I was half awake, some old fetish ideas (fetishes I developed through porn use) entered my head and while I was thinking about them I got a strong erection. I only thought about the ideas for less than a minute, and I wasn't thinking about porn scenes I'd seen.

I've just tried fantasising about sex with my girlfriend and I get no response.

What's the upshot of all this? It seems the porn pathways in my brain are still very strong. I haven't looked at porn for 237 days and I'm really disappointed that there doesn't seem to be any weakening of the porn pathways. The positive thing is that I don't really have very strong porn cravings any more. They do happen but they have been pretty easy to resist. When am I going to recover?    :(
 

malando

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
mousemat1 said:
What have I done to myself as a result of my porn use?    :(

This morning, when I was half awake, some old fetish ideas (fetishes I developed through porn use) entered my head and while I was thinking about them I got a strong erection. I only thought about the ideas for less than a minute, and I wasn't thinking about porn scenes I'd seen.

I've just tried fantasising about sex with my girlfriend and I get no response.

What's the upshot of all this? It seems the porn pathways in my brain are still very strong. I haven't looked at porn for 237 days and I'm really disappointed that there doesn't seem to be any weakening of the porn pathways. The positive thing is that I don't really have very strong porn cravings any more. They do happen but they have been pretty easy to resist. When am I going to recover?    :(

I think the last component of your rebuild is psychological. You've spent a long time in the wilderness regarding sex with your GF, so much so that you mentioned the prospect to be quite repugnant. That tells me that you have a psychological blockage with regard to sex with your GF. With that in mind, why would you get aroused at the thought of it? The fantasy of something you find repugnant is not going to be more arousing than the real prospect. I think you need to figure out why you feel this way about sex with your GF. Some questions for you:

-Is it that you've been in reboot for so long, you have loaded it up with so many conflicting thoughts that it has lost its allure?
-Is there too much pressure for it to be good, so you've devalued it?
-Have you rewired to being asexual rather than sexual with your GF, and now it's all very alien and foreign?
-Is it a lingering byproduct of your Porn-using days in which your GF became less attractive to you?
-Are you still attracted to women in the street? Is the idea of sex with women you see in public also repugnant? Or is it just your GF?

I'm just throwing these questions at you because if you can't answer these questions, the real explanation might be in there somewhere. I know I've never felt the idea of sex with my partner to be unpleasant - but I never had such a case of PIED like yours so I'm just exploring the topic with you, if you don't mind.
 

mousemat1

Well-Known Member
Hi malando.

Thanks for the reply. I'll try to answer your questions as fully as possible. It will also give me an opportunity to explore my own thoughts too.

  • Rebooting doesn't have any allure for me. The only reason I persist with my reboot is to try and return to having a normal sex life with my girlfriend. I know this is difficult for her and it's also difficult for me. I have no doubts about my feelings for her. I know I love her. I'm rebooting for her.
  • I don't understand your second point. "Is there too much pressure for it to be good". What is 'it' in this sentence? Do you want to know if there is too much pressure for the reboot to be good? Sorry, I just don't understand the question.
  • The idea of rewiring to being asexual is a very interesting point. Is it even possible? How would that work? Imagine a guy who remains a virgin until he's 40. Is he asexual? Would he be unable to have sex when the opportunity presented itself? I don't think so. Rebooting is based on removing all artificial stimulation. As a result of this, rebooters report entering a flatline period, I think you would agree that sex is impossible during the flatline. I think I'm still in a flatline. Getting an erection to my own touch alone (without fantasy) is still a little hit or miss. I don't feel any revulsion towards stimulating myself so I have to assume that my inability to do so is due to still being in a flatline. I still get the urge to masturbate so I'm not sure if this counts as being asexual. It's an interesting point though and I'm going to look into it some more. I totally agree that sexual intimacy has become "alien and foreign", mainly due to PIED and to a lesser extent due to my reboot.
  • It could be a lingering bi-product of my porn use days. My girlfriend is still very beautiful and attractive to me. This has never changed. However, she's no porn star. We've never indulged in any pornified sexual practices. It's not in her nature and I would never have asked her to do something she didn't want to do. Let's face it. Porn is normal sex on steroids! These people are athletes. It's doesn't surprise me that normal sexual behaviour is still not as exciting to me as porn, yet.
  • I acknowledge attractive women on the street. If I see an attractive woman on the street sexual thoughts come to mind, but they are normally tinged with some porn aspect (performing a pornified act with them). Obviously, I don't feel this way with my girlfriend because I acknowledge that porn views women as mere objects and I don't see my girlfriend as an object.

You've raised some interesting points. I know at some point I have to rewire to the real thing. I just don't know if that time is now. I know Gabe reports having some sex drive back after 6 months (I'm approaching 8 months and I have no real sex drive), he had successful sex at 9 months (here's hoping) and 15 months to get an erection to his own touch alone.

Any rewiring to the real thing is obviously better than nothing. I'm just worried that if I try too soon it could make my reboot longer, but as I write this sentence I realise that it's a question that I can only answer by trying.

Thanks again. It's been a real help.
 

malando

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Sorry Mousemat, I will be more explicit about "it". I'm referring to sexual intercourse in both questions.

To rephrase the questions:

-Is having sexual intercourse now inseparable from stress? Is it a daunting prospect, with fear of failure being part of it? Does that reduce the allure of having sex with your GF?

-Do you feel a pressure to perform and for it to be good for both of you - such that you might retreat from it subconsciously to avoid a negative outcome that confirms how dysfunctional you feel during your reboot?


In neither case was I referring to the reboot itself - quite the contrary, I'm wondering whether the reboot has become a certain refuge from confronting the real experience of sex? It might be a place to hide, to stay in recovery and not have to take the risk with giving yourself over to your GF.

It's easy to keep the discussion purely about dopamine receptors, testosterone levels, rewiring etc - that's what men do, identify things and fix things, but I think there is also a significant psychological component because there no doubt men's self-confidence and feeling of potency takes an enormous hit in the experience of having PIED. I wonder if it needs more attention on the forum. I think it's possible that it can induce the mind to find ways to avoid sex to avoid the risk of "failure". Even to the point of finding the idea of sex with one's girlfriend, who is objectively attractive,  unpleasant.

No pressure to make you see it this way - it's just an open question for you. I think the more clear your answers are to these questions, the better off you are. Thanks for your openness in the answers you gave.
 

mousemat1

Well-Known Member
Hi malando.

Thanks for clarifying your original question. I've thought about your point and as I write now I have to say that I don't feel under any pressure to perform. My girlfriend is very understanding of this current situation (I couldn't wish for a more understanding partner) and she hasn't put me under any pressure. She will sometimes drop hints that she would like to have sex and we have tried and I have failed. She never makes me feel bad about this. There are other ways I can help release her sexual tension. That said, I think I put myself under a little pressure because I want to heal. One of my problems is impatience. When I started this latest reboot I was impatient at the idea of having to endure 90 days in hardmode. Imagine how I feel now after 237 days! I'm definitely becoming impatient with the process.

I don't think fear is a part of my problem, but I don't rule out that somewhere deep in my subconscious this might be an issue. I'll continue to see if I can identify it.

Just this morning we tried to have sex again. Kissing resulted in a 40% erection. The idea of instigating foreplay didn't really make me feel great, but once we got into it the sensations of being intimate where pleasant enough. I have to agree that I just need to push myself to try and relearn how to feel good with a woman. However, I just couldn't get hard enough to penetrate so I brought her off using other methods so that she had a sense of release.

I just have to keep at it until I recover. There are no alternatives.

Thanks again for your reply. The support we give each other here is inestimable. I'll always be grateful.
 
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Deadcat

Guest
How much are you trying to have sex or are you just avoiding it completely?  I know I have tried multiple times.  Successful with some and failed with others.  I have, however, found some positive results.  If you're not trying, however, I wonder if you're not adding a component to your reboot that's needed, sex. 
 

mousemat1

Well-Known Member
Hi Deadcat.

I've tried a few times, and failed. The problem at the moment is that I just have zero libido, so my attempts feel very artificial. I've tried because I know I need to get back in saddle, so to speak, not because I felt horny.

I just have to keep going.
 
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Deadcat

Guest
Unfortunately I can't help here.  I've had times when I had no desire to have sex, but my libido has returned and I've found myself extremely horny at times.  I'm sure with time your libido will return as well.  I'd keep trying, not necessarily with sex but with everything else to get that spark started.  Persistence is the key.
 

mousemat1

Well-Known Member
Thanks Deadcat.

There are times when I feel like I'm getting my 'zip' back but then it turns out to be a false dawn.

The suns gotta rise one day though!  ;)
 
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