The Monkey On My Back

mousemat1

Well-Known Member
Week 35, day 243.

The last 3 days have been absolutely shit! In fact, they've been shitter than shit!

I've had porn cravings as severe as I had in week one. I'm crawling out of my fucking skin here! It's as though the cravings had just been hiding in the shadows and as soon as my attention was distracted they came slithering out. The cravings are manifesting themselves as an actual physical force which is increasing the pressure inside my head. I'm about ready to explode. I keep catching myself fantasising about a fetish which I know to be porn induced because I didn't have it 5 years ago. I'm not having porn flashbacks because I've forgotten most of the porn scenes I've seen, but the fantasising about situations I would like to be in is driving me mad!

Fortunately, I haven't relapsed. I haven't looked at porn. I don't understand how I've ended up fighting this battle like it's day one again!

Sorry for the rant, but I just needed to write shit down to give myself some perspective and hopefully it will help anyone else who find themselves in the same boat.

 

mousemat1

Well-Known Member
Week 35, Day 244.

I really wasn't expecting it but last night I got an erection with my girlfriend and we had sex.  :)

These last 48 hours have been the strangest I can remember. Emotional lows and highs, cravings and eventually sex.

The sex wasn't amazing, probably because I was worried about losing my erection. However, I maintained a decent erection (I started to lose it a little, but recovered) for about 10 minutes. My penis wasn't very sensitive and it was hard going trying to finish but I made it.

I have to be careful about the chaser effect now as I had some strong porn cravings again. I was starting to lose all hope if I'm honest. I'm not out of the woods and I'm not expecting my sex life to lift off as a result of one successful night. The thing to remember is that it's been over 2 years since I last had sex.

To anyone who is rebooting, I think I've have/had a very severe case of PIED (read my first post on this thread), but if you stick to the reboot program you will see results. I'll keep updating on any progress I make.
 

malando

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Hey congrats, Mouse! That's very promising. Hopefully you feel more optimistic about your future now. Do be careful about the chaser effect - I had that in spades. Even after very satisfying sex, it would put me into a sex frenzy and I'd want to see some porn soon after. You just have to keep doing what you've been doing - don't let any temptations enter your thinking. But you've come a long way, nice work. Is your girlfriend happy too?
 

mousemat1

Well-Known Member
I thought I'd check in and post an update on my progress after I had sex two weeks ago. It's day 256 and I'm back in a kind of flatline. Morning erections are weak and I don't feel any real desire for sex. I do, however, really want to look at some porn. This must be the famous chaser effect. The cravings are driving me mad and I've caught myself fantasising. I have avoided touching myself while this is going on because I don't want my brain to link orgasming with fantasy. I don't feel depressed about this setback because I think my night of passion a couple of weeks ago has given me some hope that I will recover.

I just have to stay strong (my focus is really poor at the moment) and not give in to the cravings. I'm looking forward to being able to say that I've been porn free for one year! This is the longest period without porn since I discovered it as a teenager. Writing that last sentence really brings home how far porn intrudes on our lives.

Good luck to everyone else who is rebooting!
 

mousemat1

Well-Known Member
I'm starting to lose focus on my goal now. It's day 261 and I feel like a lot of the fire in my belly for undertaking this journey has gone out. Weird fantasies started popping into my head this last week and it's been a bit difficult pushing them away. I suppose that porn has been so deeply ingrained into my brain it's going to take a long time to get the crud out, a bit like a mechanic who only really has clean hands after months off work. It kind of has to grow out of you.

I've had too much free time the last couple of weeks and I've been trying to keep my mind busy by reading. Each time I find myself tempted to click on some porn I just dangle the carrot of ONE YEAR porn free in front of my eyes and that seems to work. I don't think a year is going to fix my problem. This is going to take a hell of a lot longer.

Still, I've stayed strong. I haven't looked at porn for 261 days. I must be nearing the crest of the hill sometime soon.

Good luck to everyone else on their journey.
 
Mouse, I'm an old friend with a new name.  I too am back at flatline.  I'm over 9 months into my healing and only a little behind you.  I've been able to occasionally have quality sex with my wife but its rare.  While I've not really had much desire to look at porn, I do stare far too long at pretty girls on the web.  Damn that click bait.  I have slipped twice.  Actually, I've only slipped once.  I intentionally decided to test myself just a couple of days ago for my second "slip."  After failing with my wife, first to get hard and second to hold my ejaculation, I decided to test my situation.  I loaded up an old friend and still struggled to get hard and maintain and erection.  My problem is pretty deep and I either need a lot of time or something more severe.  I made a doctors appointment for Monday and hoping to get some help.  I posed getting a sex therapist to my wife but she only laughed.  I was serious.  I need to fix my problem.  I'm to young (45) and she's too hot for me to have this problem.  I want to fix it.  But I recognize that my bad habits caused this problem and I need to take responsibility. 

Best of luck my friend.
 

Gavalar09

Member
So all you guys are suffering from erections like no morning wood and weak erections?
It's been 219 days for me, stated having sex on day 117 but I seem to be back in flatline again?!
Too many orgasm from sex caused me another flatline?
 
Gavalar09 said:
So all you guys are suffering from erections like no morning wood and weak erections?
It's been 219 days for me, stated having sex on day 117 but I seem to be back in flatline again?!
Too many orgasm from sex caused me another flatline?

Personally I get morning wood but cannot get an erection without physical stimulation and even then it's weak and doesn't last very long.
 
Usually have an O will set you back in a flatline.  I am kind of there myself.  I'm only 9 months in and can only speak from my experience and from what I've read but the recovery seems to come and go in waves.  Some days you'll have more feeling below then others.  I also think recovery time is dependent on the person.  Your brain may take longer to recover.  This isn't a UPS package promised to be delivered in two days or else.  You can pretty much expect the package to get delayed or lost in the mail but one day you'll get what you're looking for.  Hang in there buddy.  I'm 20 years older than you and on this site just the same.  Be thankful you found the site when you did and hopefully can avoid some of my pain.  25 is young.  Lots of relationships to be had.  I've read numerous posts on here where men have been on this site, recovering and found a partner.  They were honest with this person and allowed their partner to be part of their recovery.  That seemed to help.  You can do this too.  Just keep fighting.
 

Gavalar09

Member
I don't know quickshot, I think I'm gonna relapse, the fact I'm not getting morning wood this far into a reboot isn't right at all.
I think it's more physical because 6 months of nofap isn't helping one bit.
 

Pete McVries

Active Member
And why would you go back to porn despite knowing the risks and the harm it does? This sounds like a stupid plan and you should rethink relapsing.

All the best!
 
Planning a relapse is not a good idea. 

I understand entirely the frustration of being so far a long with few positive results, however, I can tell you going back to our bad habits is a sure way to ensure you don't heal at all.

Keep reading.  Keep watching videos.  Educate yourself.  Don't quit.
 

Gavalar09

Member
I read a sex story, did orgasm but ended up back in a flatline, penis has shrunk completely.
I didn't even get hard for fuck sake and still I ended up with brain fog and my penis has shrunk to the size of an acorn!
I didn't even watch porn!
 

malando

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Gavalar09 said:
I read a sex story, did orgasm but ended up back in a flatline, penis has shrunk completely.
I didn't even get hard for fuck sake and still I ended up with brain fog and my penis has shrunk to the size of an acorn!
I didn't even watch porn!

Effectively, you did. Erotic stories can be just as stimulating as images. You got the same dopamine rush as you would have got from looking at pics or videos. I'm sure you could see what was happening in the story quite clearly in your imagination, right? That ability to picture things would have been contributed to by your memories of porn. I think your reaction now shows that it was like a relapse. Don't make arbitrary distinctions between what counts as porn and what doesn't. That's how replaces happen. It sounds like you have a severe case of PIED, but it certainly won't be cured by messing about with temptation. So it comes down to how badly you want to recover - are you willing to do this as long as it takes? Or have to set a limit for your patience and you are prepared to go down the road of no return if you aren't successful by then?
 

Gavalar09

Member
I already feel like I'm on the road of no return. Low libido for 6 months. Flatlining after sex. How do we know this isn't permanent? We've messed that much with our dopamine receptors. I doubt my girlfriend will want to stay with someone who's impotent for months/years...
 

malando

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Gavalar09 said:
I already feel like I'm on the road of no return. Low libido for 6 months. Flatlining after sex. How do we know this isn't permanent? We've messed that much with our dopamine receptors. I doubt my girlfriend will want to stay with someone who's impotent for months/years...
I can understand why you would be feeling disillusioned, but the overwhelming evidence suggests that people do recover - the only variables being how long it takes and how many hiccups happened along the way. I suspect most people who report zero success are not being as honest as they they appear in terms of commitment to the task (ie. more relapse incidents than they care to divulge). I'm not saying that is necessarily you, but on the other hand, you did just report a PMO incident around an erotic story. May I ask how often this sort of thing tends to happen for you? You might be one of those people who is much more sensitive to a relapse than some others. If you don't mind me asking, how old are you, and when did you start watching porn?
 

Gavalar09

Member
Hi mate.
No I do understand, I've read everything possible on this topic over the last year. After six months I just wanted to kick start my libido back up...
This would be my fourth relapse in 221 days, all of which have not been porn per se, just searching with the images blurred out. But still not good enough.
I'm 25 and have been watching porn daily for 7 years, last 3 have been about every 2 weeks or more, due to being in relationship. This 221 days has been where I found out about porn.
My porn usage never escalated but I experienced ED
 

malando

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Gavalar09 said:
Hi mate.
No I do understand, I've read everything possible on this topic over the last year. After six months I just wanted to kick start my libido back up...
This would be my fourth relapse in 221 days, all of which have not been porn per se, just searching with the images blurred out. But still not good enough.
I'm 25 and have been watching porn daily for 7 years, last 3 have been about every 2 weeks or more, due to being in relationship. This 221 days has been where I found out about porn.
My porn usage never escalated but I experienced ED
I hear you, mate. That's rough.

I wonder whether you are experiencing a sexual disconnect in your life now. Maybe because of this trauma of having ED and also anxiety around feeling totally non-responsive and worrying that your girlfriend is going to leave you, you are probably all up in your head around sex rather than feeling it instinctively like nature intended it. I wonder whether you could try to tap back into your natural animal instincts by trying something different with your girlfriend. Maybe try just focussing on her pleasure. Try exciting her in every way you can think of without being touched yourself. You can start with a massage, try kissing her all over her body, give her manual and oral stimulation and try to just enjoy her reaction and pleasure (hopefully it's a good reaction!). I think that might help you to reconnect with your drive and desire because I think your brain would become stimulated by your girlfriend being aroused, positive, pleasured. Your brain and body will want to be part of that. I think you might have too much anxiety and worry around sex at the moment and it's blocking your access to the pleasure and drive side, which I'm sure still exists.

A few questions though, which are pretty important for this to have a chance of working:
- May I ask if you are doing anything with her sexually/intimately at the moment?
- Would you desire to try what I am suggesting?
- Does your girlfriend excite you enough that you would feel motivated to do such a thing? (are you attracted to her?)
- Would she be on board with it? Would she be happy to be pleasured this way without reciprocation?
- How is the general state of your relationship with her? Are you getting along? Happy as a couple?
- Is she upset about the sex situation? Or is she patiently waiting for your reboot?
- Do you find yourself mentally aroused with your girlfriend, but physically unresponsive? Or just generally uninterested with her? If it's the former, I wonder whether you should try some viagra etc at some stage if you are sure you are mentally desiring your girlfriend but it's just your body not complying (traditional ED). But if you think it's PIED still, you need to reboot for longer. Viagra won't fix PIED.
 
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