What an interesting topic to come up at this time, as I?ve just finished reading I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn?t) by Bren? Brown. It?s a book about shame and shame resilience. It?s not about the culture of shame around sex or porn, but shame as it manifests in our lives in many situations and often holds us back and limits our potential to live fully. My personal recovery from my husband?s porn addiction means working on my own body anxiety and the body dysmorphia I lived through after many years of my husband?s porn addiction and how it impacted on our relationship. So, I?m tackling shame from another perspective, but it?s also one where the cultural anxieties experienced by most women plays a large role ? not the whole story, but certainly part of it.
I sought to understand my husband?s experience of shame around his porn addiction as it seemed to be an issue in his own recovery but it was quite difficult to unpick it. He was sexually assaulted by a male relative around puberty, so I?m certain that?s a factor in his own shame. These issues are always much more complex. He didn?t receive any sex education, yet the older males in his family had porn, so it doesn?t take a leap of imagination to figure out that sex was this big taboo and that men could indulge in porn and masturbation as long as it was done in secret.
I was always open to talking about sex with my husband but he didn?t seem able to. His porn habit was always supposed to be kept hidden from me. When I did find out his reaction was the classic ?kid with his hand in the cookie jar? reaction. Promises never to do it again at first, it was all very child-like. He didn?t quit. He couldn?t. We didn?t have sex and when I tried to bring it up he?d close off the conversation ASAP. Even more recently, anything slightly uncomfortable and he?ll close the subject within the first sentence. I don?t want to push him. It?s a slow process. We are making progress and I have to be grateful for that.
Shame is perhaps a deeper issue, but there?s no doubt that there?s a lot of cultural anxiety about discussing sex and how healthy sexuality is experienced. It?s an important and necessary skill in any relationship. I think it?s definitely true that men can feel very vulnerable when opening up about their own sexuality in a meaningful way, talking about their own personal experiences, desires, inhibitions, anxieties, fantasies, etc. I?m not saying it?s easy for women either, but I think we tend to talk and share more readily anyway. Female sexuality comes with its own culturally mediated taboos as well. We?re still living under the ?nice girls don?t? ethos in an increasingly hypersexualised culture, so the rules for women are shifting too, but not necessarily in a healthy way.
For any couple battling it out with porn addiction, please don?t let awkwardness about talking about sex hold back your progress. Please, please try. My husband and I have said to each other throughout our recovery ?if only your said something ?? so many times. My biggest regret was NOT having those conversations much earlier.
On the subject of shame, if you feel it ? for any reason ? tackle it. #MeToo propelled a lot of women through their shame barrier. There?s a lot of brave women (and men) speaking out against body shame, I?ve discovered. We can be ashamed of our parents if they?re poor, we can be ashamed of our grades because we didn?t get straight A?s, we can feel shame for a multitude of reasons. But we can learn the skills of shame resilience.
Stay strong, people. xo