Turtle Journal

[DavS]

  Ok, wet dream at my age! My brain took me all the way back to my college dorm room, and a girl named Katie. So now what? I'm just going to continue rebooting, and my day count, 39. It was a nice release, but I feel a little disappointed. I was getting used to no O, and the awesome errections that brought about. Now I'm on guard for the dreaded chaser effect, which explains why I still feel horny. I don't want this one O to lead to more right now. This is a message about how long my whole self can go without O. I still need to continue on my path to find that balanced sexuality I talked about above.

 

[DavS]

  That dream made me feel I'm starting over in some way, and I am. I have to figure out what is a "normal" number of orgasms for me. I managed to avoid another one, I don't want to fall into the chaser trap. So I'm thinking, continue the reboot, and see what happens. It's strange to resist having them with my wife during Karezza, but I feel it's a necessary part of recovery from the PMO addiction. It's a kind of "cold turkey", but the experiment had already resulted in awesome and unexpected results, mainly the "Mr Hard Cock" experience. But there is also a sense of freedom that not having the O goal oriented sex, has given my wife and I. There's more intimacy, openness, and less performance concerns. So yes, if you are new and reading this, start rebooting, you have so much to gain.

 

[DavS]

  It's day 46 of my reboot, and I'm still planning to go at least 60 days, maybe 90. It's great that not orgasiming has given me the ability to be so ready and able to have sex with my wife. Our karezza sex is wonderful. The next day after that wet dream, I got too excited and couldn't stop an O from sneaking out. I have managed to get back on the wagon, but that second one felt a little like a chaser. It was with my wife so I'm not feeling like I have to restart my reboot, or that I had a failure of some kind. Still, I'm more on guard now.
  We are finding our own way in the karezza. It's an extension of our relationship, so it up to us to decide how aroused we want to be. For now, we have decided she can have one or two orgasms a week. I'm still on none if possible, until I get everything I can from the rebooting process. As long as I am still learning and healing, I'll stay on wagon, so to speak.

 

[DavS]

  50 days into rebooting and progress is still good. All I have to do during karezza to avoid O, is slow down, breath deeply and relax. I'm still getting used to the "Mr Hardcock" experience, a huge change from my previous sexual experience going all the way back to adolescence. Making love without O has become so enjoyable, that I feel very satisfied, almost like I had one. It takes about an hour, to get that feeling, but my wife and I have such a great time, no one is concerned about it.
  I always had at least one O a day. I thought that was healthy sexual functioning. If that were true I wouldn't be so much more virile and sexually alive now. Now at this late stage in my life, Im amazed at the verility that results from no O. My wife is happy with the change, and very turned on. This profound change is a lot to process. I'm actually a little afraid to O, because I don't want to jinx it.
  I'm sticking with the reboot until I feel like I'm on solid ground, and until I have learned how much my sexual energy will continue to increase. The more good sex and intimacy I have with my wife, the more my brain is healing from addiction and the compulsion to O.
  I have no interest in looking at porn. I'm not going to fool myself into thinking it's no longer a danger. A heroine addict has to respect the danger of the drug, to stay clean, and so do I. This reboot has taught me a few things that are helping me heal my addiction. The sex is better when I'm so virile, I get to be real and honest with my wife, overall energy and engagement with people and my responsibilities has improved. The reboot comes with the support of a community of people going through the same thing, so I don't have to reinvent the wheel. There are guidelines and indicators of progress.

 

[DavS]

  I got frustrated when a nice post I wrote was lost on the site, as it froze or whatever. From now on I'll copy and paste my posts here.

 

[DavS]

    Day 62, and a lot of changes to report.
  The post I lost last week was about spontaneously slipping into a state of meditation during karezza. The important part is that my anxiety about having and not having an O is going away. (That's why I could get relaxed enough to get into a meditative state.) My former compulsion to have at least one "normal and healthy" O a day, was an anxiety that doesn't bother me any more. I now have too much wonderful experience to the contrary. I also no longer worry if I do have an O with my wife during rebooting. It's happened a few times voluntarily and involuntarily, but it's all part of our learning process and not a problem.
  So where do I stand in my reboot now. I feel I'm almost done with restarting of my sexual life and rhythm. I still have a lot to learn, but the return of blissful meditative states during sex is a big milestone for me. I used to get that feeling often during sex, but less and less as my addiction to porn grew. When I was young I practiced Brahmacharya, as part of my yoga practice, so the control of sexual impulses is not new to me. What is new is the experience of total verility in a loving relationship. I'm sorry it took me so long to get here, but happy that I can finally share it with my wife. I'm so grateful for her loyalty and help. I couldn't do it without her.
  Advice to couples from our experience with "karezza". I use the word to mean loving sex without the goal oriented judgmental pressure to have orgasms. Avoiding the burnout of too many O's, (especially the man's), and eliminating the overstimulation of porn, has given us amazing sexual experiences that we've never had in our many years of marriage. Since I very rarely have an O, we can enjoy sex for an hour or more. We have time to explore each other's turnons, and become very aroused and satisfied in a deeper way. If either of us have an O, the fun comes to a natural end, and the sexual energy between us diminishes. That's ok, it will return, but it's something to be aware of since that energy is involved in all kinds of personal interactions.

 

[DavS]

  Wow it's been almost a month since I posted. Technically it's day 85 of my reboot. I only have a few minutes and I want to talk about what sexual satisfaction is, because I feel more sexually satisfied now than when I was having eight orgasms a week. Lately I've had about one O a week with my wife. Sometimes on purpose, sometimes accidentally when I was trying to refrain. I feel I'm still rebooting because I'm still trying to find a sustainable rhythm with my wife, and balance my optimal sexual energy. I'm thinking about one every ten days.
  What I want to get to is how very satisfying sex is even without orgasm, when the man is fully hard, and there are no anxieties about erection. There's something about enjoying sex at a high state of arousal for 30 minutes or more, that gives my brain that satisfied feeling. I'm curious if other rebooters are having any similar experiences.
 

 

[DavS]

  I am now shooting for one O every ten days. My wife and I are having sex almost every day, and things are good, no porn, thank god. I'm getting my dopamine from prolonged arousal. I'm starting to feel a new type of sexual balance and rhythm. My wife is very satisfied, and I am too. I want to continue this journal because it helps me clarify my thoughts and intentions. There's something about the process that strengthens me.

 

[DavS]

  Having a hard day, family problems, so I'm here at my journal, a safe place.

 

[DavS]

I need to reboot again. I’ve failed my wife and myself. Obviously I need help, because I really got clear of it, and that was great. So how did I end up here, again? I let several things happen in my head and heart that undercut me. My number one mistake was underestimating the powerful pull of the addiction. Maybe I have to accept that I’ll always be addicted to porn, that I’ll always be susceptible to it. Two: rationalizations, if I don’t O then it’s not as bad, just this one time to relieve stress, I can’t sleep, everybody does it, I’ll just look at still pictures so I don’t get sucked in, etc. Three (and I’m sure there are more) I stopped journaling and sharing in this forum.
Just as bad is my inability to be honest with my wife about it. If I could have been honest I would not be here. Now she doesn’t want my honesty or anything else. Who can blame her when my promises and commitment have turned to shit, again.

 

[guitar1968]

Sorry to see you back here feeling this way. Hopefully getting back to your journal and sharing will help set things right.

 

[DavS]

I feel very bad right now, having to face reality. I have a long road just to get back where I was in 2018. My addiction isn’t as bad now, so that’s something. I don’t use it everyday like I once did.

 

[JerryTX]

While it may never feel good to go "back" the good news is you know what to do and how to succeed from your past. I also think you truly don't go "all the way back". The spouse part of this addiction is a very slippery slope and I have experienced the unfortunate ride. While it is much better now it has been a journey to get back. I have no doubt you will move forward again and continue to battle this PMO demon! I agree that it even with my success so far will always be lurking in the shadows to catch me when I'm most vulnerable. I refuse and have learned a lot over the last 120+days to beat this. But I know it will be there waiting for a weak moment. Just building my endurance daily and winning the battles!

 

[DavS]

Thank you JerryTX. I feel so miserable right now it’s hard to envision things getting better.

 

[DavS]

As you pointed out, "Porn/PMO" can be used as the drug of choice for what ails you. Essentially it brings you up when your feeling down, it just doesn't last and excessive misuse leads to all kinds of problems, like ED amongst many others. The mind games we play on ourselves are real and many, many times I've given in to them and had to begin again. Your on the right track, try not to worry, flatlines happen, but this to shall pass. You will be uncomfortable for a while, this is not negotiable, exercise helps, being active too, just know the temptations and rationalizations will come and be prepared on how you will deal with them. Its cliche' but, "Those who fail to plan, are essentially planning to fail". Be on your guard, don't wait to be a victim, prepare your defenses so you too can withstand those fiery arrows flung in your direction.

I know I’m replying to a two year old post, I just wish I took your advice and repeated it like a mantra for the last two years.

 

[Phineas 808]

Sorry for your struggles, Daveosh.

All you can do now is to learn from the past, and fight like hell for a better future.

You deserve it!

 

[DavS]

My wife and I communicated well last night. We talked a lot about honesty. It gave me hope. My being too insecure to be honest is a big part of my problem. I don’t want her to see me as a failure, although I’ve failed so many times.
This morning she told me off when I was just waking up. I wasn’t prepared for it, and it really hurt. She was angry, but everything she said was real. I‘ve been repeating an affirmation about being honest that we developed together, so I managed to go to her and tell how I felt. I wasn’t easy for me to do. My pattern would be to turn away from her, not show vulnerability and hurt, and go into my passive aggressive disfunction. That would be to feel guilty, and do something to take my mind off it, which could include porn. So I came here, a healthy distraction connected with reality.

 

[DavS]

Sorry for your struggles, Daveosh.

All you can do now is to learn from the past, and fight like hell for a better future.

You deserve it!

Thanks for reading my journal. It helps to know others are sharing the same struggle.

 

[DavS]

I just reread my journal thread. I wish I never stopped participating here. If I had stayed I wouldn’t be in this miserable situation.
Addiction is as subtle and complicated as the human mind. How did I end up here? I just read the answers in my own journal.
So I feel foolish, weak, etc.
If I can return to the path I was on, but be honest with my wife, and more importantly with myself, I might get back what I slowly lost. Triggers…I talked about not pulling them. One by one I started to pull triggers while telling myself it was nothing, or some other rationalization. Choosing to really enjoy a sexy scene on TV instead of detaching from it, or fast forwarding it, doing something else, whatever. Then I told myself a little harmless masturbation is okay, and it can be, but not if I’m in denial, about pulling another trigger. It went slowly down hill from there. My last bullshit rationalization was “I’m in control as long as I don’t O from porn”.

 

[guitar1968]

I just reread my journal thread. I wish I never stopped participating here. If I had stayed I wouldn’t be in this miserable situation.
Addiction is as subtle and complicated as the human mind. How did I end up here? I just read the answers in my own journal.
So I feel foolish, weak, etc.
If I can return to the path I was on, but be honest with my wife, and more importantly with myself, I might get back what I slowly lost. Triggers…I talked about not pulling them. One by one I started to pull triggers while telling myself it was nothing, or some other rationalization. Choosing to really enjoy a sexy scene on TV instead of detaching from it, or fast forwarding it, doing something else, whatever. Then I told myself a little harmless masturbation is okay, and it can be, but not if I’m in denial, about pulling another trigger. It went slowly down hill from there. My last bullshit rationalization was “I’m in control as long as I don’t O from porn”.

Glad you're back. It just goes to show that we all have to stay with it most likely for the rest of our lives. It is too easy to slide back into old behavior.