Turtle Journal

DavS

Active Member
Thanks, at least I was able to talk with her. I just want to withdraw and escape, but that’s a big part of my problem, a survival mechanism from childhood that is no longer helpful.
 

DavS

Active Member
What’s wrong with me? That’s the question my wife asks me, and I ask myself. How could I do this? How could I do this to her? Our marriage? I know I have personality flaws and problems, but I’m not a cruel person. I didn’t used to be this way. I can only conclude that for me, porn is worse than everything I’ve read about it.
I watched a show in which a character had a traumatic brain injury. I feel kind of like that guy.
 

DavS

Active Member
I like this from Phineas 808
A.W.A.R.E.

A - Acceptance. Be accepting, even welcoming of the anxious feelings, urges or fantasies;

W- Watchful. Watch as an outside observer without judgment, with compassion and understanding.

A- Act. Take action on these feelings, in terms of breathing deep, staying calm in the moment.

R- Repeat. Repeat steps 1-3, until the urges passes.

E- Expect. Know that these urges, and their preceding triggers, will come, but have an expectancy that you will handle them successfully.
 

guitar1968

Well-Known Member
What’s wrong with me? That’s the question my wife asks me, and I ask myself. How could I do this? How could I do this to her? Our marriage? I know I have personality flaws and problems, but I’m not a cruel person. I didn’t used to be this way. I can only conclude that for me, porn is worse than everything I’ve read about it.
I watched a show in which a character had a traumatic brain injury. I feel kind of like that guy.
There is nothing wrong with you. You got addicted to something highly addictive. We're the ones here trying to stop the addiction. There a millions of people out there addicted that aren't trying to get better. Porn was made to make you want more. To make you keep coming back. To make you feel like you can't stop. There is nothing wrong with you. You are working towards your freedom. There is everything right about that.
 

DavS

Active Member
Thanks, I know this intellectually. Luckily I had no trouble with porn until it exploded on the internet. So I have a model of myself before the addiction.
What’s wrong with me is the damage porn has done. I do feel somewhat TBI. Until my wife snapped me back into reality, I was acting as if what I knew about porn was somehow lost. It wasn’t even some intense craving, it was denial because my brain is damaged by porn. I slid down a long slow water slide, loosing a tug of war between my rational moral mind, and unconscious denial supporting rationalizations. When life got really hard and I so wanted to feel better, I failed to reach out for help.
 
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DavS

Active Member
Yes we all know how addictive porn can be. It’s even more important not to attribute to it power, that it doesn’t really have. Remember the actual withdrawal symptoms are mild: a restless feeling, an uncomfortable feeling of boredom or hunger. All the rest of the ”cravings” are created by our mental scripts, brainwashing, and rationalizations. Our mental bullshit is what makes quitting for good difficult! (easypeasymetho.org) If we don’t want to quit we are sold on a lie (marketing brainwashing). If we do want to quit, quit forever.
Would we rather have PIED, broken marriages, depleted sexual energy, brain disfunction, insecurities dating, insane ideas about sex and love? We need to remember porn only takes, it gives nothing, but illusion and addiction. For people who, like me, think it can make you feel better, or relieve stress, I’m going to say what you already know when you’re not in denial. The relief we think it is giving, is the relief we get from heroin or alcohol or ice cream. The cause of distress is still there and we put on a bandaid that makes the wound worse.
 

JerryTX

Active Member
That's great that she is supportive. The roller coaster with my wife has been tough but she is in support and understands I want to become a better man, husband, and father!
 

DavS

Active Member
The support of my wife means everything. We are still having difficult times, but we can communicate openly. I have a long way to go, and I’m grateful for the progress made.
 

DavS

Active Member
It’s been 15 days, and the reboot is going well. The pandemic isn’t making this easier. My wife and I did manage to see some friends yesterday, and that was a breath of fresh air.
We have begun karezza again, and it’s very healing for both of us. ED issues are gone, just like my last reboot. Rereading my own journal is helpful. So much just needs to be reestablished.
I’m examining how guilt and secrecy are related to my addiction. Guilt and secrecy have been a part of my sexuality, on and off, since childhood. Porn use plays into that dysfunction, so I’m thinking that’s part of why I slowly fell back into addiction. I never thought that on some level I “wanted” the secrecy and guilt. Years ago a therapist suggested risk is part of the “thrill”, and there‘s some truth to that, but habitual secrecy and guilt are a bigger piece of the puzzle. Just being conscious of this is a step forward.
 

DavS

Active Member
Things are going better with my wife. We are going to beat this together.
 
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DavS

Active Member
Good day today. Maybe worked a little too hard.
Just like last time, I’m searching for sustainable balance with my wife. I’m still rebooting so no O, for now. I’m trying to clean up the arousal pathways in my brain, and making progress. During my last reboot I eventually had a wet dream. I think that’s a good sign. When libido finds it’s own way for a release, the natural arousal pathways are working.
More affirmations, continuing open communication, and karezza. I’m working on establishing a new normal. I don’t want any openings for a reversion back into the old dysfunctions.
 
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DavS

Active Member
Some good days and some rough days.
When my wife’s hurt feelings come up, she needs to talk about it with me. Although it brings up a lot of painful guilt and anxiety, I need to hear it, and not just for her. It‘s hard to listen to, but it brings me into the reality of mistakes I made. I don‘t want to make those same mistakes again.
I participated in an online survey about porn addiction. That was a good experience. (It was anonymous.) It was a bit embarrassing sometimes, but I want to help others avoid the trap of porn addiction. The survey also helped me, because answering the questions made me reflect on my own mistakes, feelings, and intentions. I wish more people would study and act on the widespread curse of porn addiction.
 

DavS

Active Member
I‘ve been doing a renovation, so I haven’t gotten to my journal for a week.
Things are progressing as before. I have a healthy libido now. My wife and I are able to work things out, and be intimate.
I’m stressed by the renovation and a couple other life demands, but still no desire for porn. I keep reminding myself that it doesn’t give me anything, it only takes. I don’t want to fall prey to the brainwashing that got me last time.
 

guitar1968

Well-Known Member
Good for you. Keeping busy seems to be the best cure for this addiction. If you are busy and interested in something else, it really helps.
 

JerryTX

Active Member
Nice job DavS! Keep up the progress and glad your relationship is doing better! Totally agree that PMO doesn't give anything but takes everything!
 

DavS

Active Member
Thanks for the comments.
“Takes everything”…sounds a little like hyperbole, but if porn takes my relationship with my wife, my marriage, my healthy libido (good erections), my time, etc…It’s not hyperbole.
 

DavS

Active Member
The second really difficult morning. Depressed again, but at least no porn. I’m trying to be fully there for my wife, but it’s hard when all the pain she expresses is caused by me. I feel so much guilt, it’s like a weight dragging me down. I know this too shall pass. I have to put it aside and get ready to work. That will take my mind off it.
 
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