REBOOT
- Thread starter DIMA-NBA
- Start date
DIMA-NBA
Active Member
Day 38
Cheers @GBS !
Urges come and go. In the past week or so I have had more thoughts about P. I think it has something to do with my concentration or lack there of, especially at work.
I've been slacking. At work, also with my reboot tasks (gratitude journaling, "freestyle" Journaling, food diary). It's not a good feeling. I know I'm in a much better position when I follow these steps I've outlined for myself. I've gained back some weight.
It's way more likely for me to get in a "fuck it, I don't care, it doesn't matter" mood when I don't take care of myself and relapse.
My gf is going to start living with me. I need to take some time and refocus on rebooting and get back in rhythm.
Cheers @GBS !
Urges come and go. In the past week or so I have had more thoughts about P. I think it has something to do with my concentration or lack there of, especially at work.
I've been slacking. At work, also with my reboot tasks (gratitude journaling, "freestyle" Journaling, food diary). It's not a good feeling. I know I'm in a much better position when I follow these steps I've outlined for myself. I've gained back some weight.
It's way more likely for me to get in a "fuck it, I don't care, it doesn't matter" mood when I don't take care of myself and relapse.
My gf is going to start living with me. I need to take some time and refocus on rebooting and get back in rhythm.
DIMA-NBA
Active Member
Day 41
There's a lot more I need to learn in order to get over this..
I neglected important steps I had written in my plan and of course I relapsed. Perhaps a long technology free walk will do me good. Just alone with my thoughts, no music, just reflect a bit on what's happening.
My gf moved in with me a couple of days ago. Yesterday we talked about about potentially moving to the first floor of the house, because in future we'll likely need more space.
The thing is the first floor needs a renovation which will be a significant sum of money, I also need to buy a new car due to bullshit low emissions zone in the city. Basically my car is old.
All of that might have made me feel a bit hopeless as to how I will manage this. My gf also asked me if I want to make attempts for a baby next year. I said yes because of course I want that, but she is rushing a bit. We have just started living together and it's probably best to give it a few months time before we make such decisions. I guess she's just excited about living together.
I'm wary of spending too much time with her. I know this mind sound crazy to some, but if we are together all the time - work from home together, go to the gym together, shop together, I think the spark will disappear. So far it hasn't, we've been together for about 1 year and a half.
We discussed finances and food shopping budget, I initiated it. I overcame that fear at least.
There's a lot more I need to learn in order to get over this..
I neglected important steps I had written in my plan and of course I relapsed. Perhaps a long technology free walk will do me good. Just alone with my thoughts, no music, just reflect a bit on what's happening.
My gf moved in with me a couple of days ago. Yesterday we talked about about potentially moving to the first floor of the house, because in future we'll likely need more space.
The thing is the first floor needs a renovation which will be a significant sum of money, I also need to buy a new car due to bullshit low emissions zone in the city. Basically my car is old.
All of that might have made me feel a bit hopeless as to how I will manage this. My gf also asked me if I want to make attempts for a baby next year. I said yes because of course I want that, but she is rushing a bit. We have just started living together and it's probably best to give it a few months time before we make such decisions. I guess she's just excited about living together.
I'm wary of spending too much time with her. I know this mind sound crazy to some, but if we are together all the time - work from home together, go to the gym together, shop together, I think the spark will disappear. So far it hasn't, we've been together for about 1 year and a half.
We discussed finances and food shopping budget, I initiated it. I overcame that fear at least.
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GBS
Respected Member
Hey @DIMA-NBA (aka Dimmers to me) - so easy to read yours and just “like”, but you wrote some big stuff down. Not going to give you the old man sage advice speech but I will say you’re doing great. Your new strength will allow you to handle competing stresses, but be serene in your decision making, and keep loving your gf and yourself. You are a good man.
DIMA-NBA
Active Member
Day 1
Finally went on that important walk, by myself, without music, in nature, by the river. The first half of the walk was grim (because of my thoughts), but I kept going and soon some ideas came to mind. I made notes in my phone.
I've stopped tracking my food intake which of course made me eat without thinking about it too much therefore I'm gaining weight.
The main takeaways were to book an appointment with my psychotherapist and text the nutritionist.
I went to see the therapist and he encouraged me.
Finally went on that important walk, by myself, without music, in nature, by the river. The first half of the walk was grim (because of my thoughts), but I kept going and soon some ideas came to mind. I made notes in my phone.
I've stopped tracking my food intake which of course made me eat without thinking about it too much therefore I'm gaining weight.
The main takeaways were to book an appointment with my psychotherapist and text the nutritionist.
I went to see the therapist and he encouraged me.
BrassBalls707
Active Member
I don't want to be devil's advocate but I'm going to say this anyways because it means so much to me and fellow men.
You seem aware of your girlfriend's rushed attitude. It reminded me of some unpleasant truths and thoughts.
Women have more biological and social pressure to have children than men, it's something we men don't always understand and it's important to stay aware of. We don't feel a similar urgency because we don't become infertile at the same rate.
Although building a family is a valuable and gratifying ambition in life, doing so for the wrong reasons is going to inevitably add to your difficulties to reboot. Time and time again I see girlfriends and wives of family and friends 'let go' once they have a claim to a man. Like less desire to better themselves, less communication, more unhealthy habits, less effort in the relationship... After a "claim" to their man, things may change. With "claim" I mean with marriage, children, living situation, financial dependencies or sheer emotion... These are strong ties to keep you together for better or worse. Please, give your future self the respect they deserve and take your time to figure out if you can grow and build towards a desireable future with this person. "make attempts for a baby next year" is pretty clear. That means it's to be brought up in 10-ish months. It sounds like you feel they're nagging you before that time, so do you still think she's just excited to live together with you? Or do you think this is what you would like best to be the reason for the "rushing"?
What you said shouldn't sound crazy to people. It's a real concern and I think you're right.
Guard your time. Protect it, and if you can't don't let it happen the same way twice.
Sure, spend time together. But be crystal clear: Living together does not mean doing everything together.
They say familiarity breeds contempt. If you read Your Brain On Porn, the Coolidge effect may ring a bell. In your situation, a shared living space is going to inevitably let you see sides of this person you have not seen. Sides of them you may not like, sides of them they may not change. Mind you, the inverse is also true. For that reason alone it's a good idea to live together, but as you said yourself... Consider pacing it more.
That aside, I'm glad you have found things and people that help you with rebooting and that you have taken the time to share them. I appreciate being able to read about other people's lives, it makes me feel hopeful and encouraged. That is to say that despite having been an addict, it doesn't define me or my future.
DIMA-NBA
Active Member
Day 5
Thank you @BrassBalls707 for your detailed reply, it's really something worth considering and having a think about for me.
Thank you @BrassBalls707 for your detailed reply, it's really something worth considering and having a think about for me.
DIMA-NBA
Active Member
Hey @GBS thanks for reaching out and checking on me. PMO not really ok. I had a 2 consecutive days sober, which ended today. PMO-ed twice today, it was at work too. I gained some weight too. To be honest things are looking grim at the moment, it looks like a close friend of mine and I are going to go our separate ways. I'm going to give it another shot but I feel like it' going south.
All because of some miscommunication and misunderstanding about making plans about meeting each other which escalated and therefore he told me thinks I'm a liar. He thinks I lie to him each time I tell him I have plans but I don't specify what exactly I'll be doing, which of course offended me. Don't know if that makes sense. Is that relevant to quitting PMO? For me yes. The better my social circle is, the better chances I have. That's my opinion anyways.
All because of some miscommunication and misunderstanding about making plans about meeting each other which escalated and therefore he told me thinks I'm a liar. He thinks I lie to him each time I tell him I have plans but I don't specify what exactly I'll be doing, which of course offended me. Don't know if that makes sense. Is that relevant to quitting PMO? For me yes. The better my social circle is, the better chances I have. That's my opinion anyways.
GBS
Respected Member
Keep going @DIMA-NBA - back up on that horse. Please.
Sorry about the row with the close friend. It’s so easy to say - just be honest with him - when he seems not to believe you. There’s only so much we can do when others refuse to believe us. Most certainly if one allows that to make one anxious then it can hinder recovery. Now I realise this sort of advice is about as much use as a chocolate teapot, because it sort of doesn’t help. We can’t just stop being anxious….but we can think upon it and realise the futility of it. Stay true brother
Sorry about the row with the close friend. It’s so easy to say - just be honest with him - when he seems not to believe you. There’s only so much we can do when others refuse to believe us. Most certainly if one allows that to make one anxious then it can hinder recovery. Now I realise this sort of advice is about as much use as a chocolate teapot, because it sort of doesn’t help. We can’t just stop being anxious….but we can think upon it and realise the futility of it. Stay true brother
DIMA-NBA
Active Member
Day 2
Hey @GBS thanks for the support mate! I admit it does bother me about the relationship with my close friend.
Don't know if there's much I can do about that and improve it. We met the other day I tried talking it out, we didn't quite resolve it.
Also there's this other close friend with who I work now. We no longer meet outside of work. I don't necessarily want to meet him either. Like we are laughing together, but it's as if we have lost touch.
Hey @GBS thanks for the support mate! I admit it does bother me about the relationship with my close friend.
Don't know if there's much I can do about that and improve it. We met the other day I tried talking it out, we didn't quite resolve it.
Also there's this other close friend with who I work now. We no longer meet outside of work. I don't necessarily want to meet him either. Like we are laughing together, but it's as if we have lost touch.
Iwantthesecondchance
Active Member
Hey, Dima! I have read the last page of the thread and it seems that you are going through a hard time right now, but I am sure that you will be able to improve the situation!
It is great that you started living together with your girlfriend. And I agree that maybe giving it a time and not rushing might be a good idea to see how things are actually progressing.
About the situation with your friends, I think that it is really important to have the true friends which is not something really abundant nowadays. If you really think that they are your close friends and you want to save your friendship, maybe you could schedule another meeting with your first friend, and try to explain how you value your friendship and that it might have been a misunderstanding and that being called a liar by him actually hurts you since you have only sincere friendship feelings towards him and would not fabricate something in order to escape your meeting. For the second friend, I think that it might be a good idea to have a meeting after work one day, where you could relax from working environment.
Again, these are just my thoughts, and you know better what to do in these situations.
Good luck and keep going!
It is great that you started living together with your girlfriend. And I agree that maybe giving it a time and not rushing might be a good idea to see how things are actually progressing.
About the situation with your friends, I think that it is really important to have the true friends which is not something really abundant nowadays. If you really think that they are your close friends and you want to save your friendship, maybe you could schedule another meeting with your first friend, and try to explain how you value your friendship and that it might have been a misunderstanding and that being called a liar by him actually hurts you since you have only sincere friendship feelings towards him and would not fabricate something in order to escape your meeting. For the second friend, I think that it might be a good idea to have a meeting after work one day, where you could relax from working environment.
Again, these are just my thoughts, and you know better what to do in these situations.
Good luck and keep going!