Kimba,
I?m so sorry to read about what you?ve been going through recently and of course you?re going to wonder if your husband really did quit or was he just working hard at creating the illusion of sincerity? There never are any concrete answers and it?s difficult to trust when out trust has already been violated. I?m sure all the partners reading this know that feeling.
I?m almost 3 years into recovery and I can say that even now it?s such hard fucking word to rebuild just about every aspect of the relationship that was damaged by the porn addiction. Even if the acting out has stopped, there are still artefacts of the ingrained behaviours that propped up the addiction that remain.
Trust is an issue in our relationship too. It?s not that I don?t trust him not to act out, I feel certain that he?s quit and intends to stay that way. That?s not my immediate concern. What IS the issue is that in his day-to-day life, he still omits to tell me things and he isn?t always straight with me. Obviously I find out about some of his omissions, and even if relatively minor, it still undermines my trust. It?s taken A LOT to rebuild trust and it?s a fragile process. For him, saying nothing about anything and keeping an emotional distance was a way of life during his addiction and he can?t seem to ?unlearn? it. He doesn?t seem to be able to grasp how this undermines trust. My attitude is that if he isn?t willing to be open about the small stuff then how can I trust him about the bigger issues?
There does come a time when you have to draw a line and say ?I need to start caring about ME?. If I?m honest, I still have to remind myself of this over and over, even in small ways, because the effects of 15-20 years of my husband?s porn addiction go very deep. Relationship patterns get stuck too, and if you aren?t mindful about changing the ways you communicate and behave in the relationship, it?s so easy to fall back into old ways. I don?t mean relapsing and using porn, but falling back into the old ways that allowed it to happen in the first place and evolved to maintain it. Not communicating properly, maintaining an emotional distance, and so on. I keep trying but there comes a point where you need to take a step back and acknowledge that you?re trying to do the work of two people, and it can?t be done alone. Meanwhile, who?s taking care of you? No one! That?s why you need to think of your own needs. Even if your husband did become the textbook perfect recovering addict, it would still be very draining for you as an individual, as a partner. You still have your own recovery needs as a partner regardless of how well your husband is doing.
It?s only after maybe 18-24 months after d day that I could see the true extent of the damage that all those years of porn addiction did to me. Looking back, there was depression, disordered eating, low self esteem, no libido whatsoever. I was in a bad place but it had become my ?normal?. I was very lonely in my marriage. This is why I wish men wouldn?t hide their porn use or lie about it. I paid too high a price just so he could wank to a computer screen. I know that I?m worth more than that. It was all preventable. I question so much about myself now? It?s not only ?Can I trust my husband?? It?s also ?Can I trust my own judgement?? So we need healthy emotional boundaries that protect us as individuals, so we can develop our own identity and know where our limits lie. We can?t do all of the heavy lifting all of the time, indefinitely.
The dealbreaker for me wouldn?t be a relapse, it would be being lied to about relapsing. If I were to ask questions and he swore blind that everything is fine when he knows damn well he?s misleading me, if I were to check his history (not that it?s foolproof, but?) and I found suspect data, and if he swore blind that no, never, he wouldn?t when it?s a lie, these are the dealbreakers. I have asked him to tell me if he relapses. That?s the deal. Just to add, checking is justified if you strongly suspect you?re being lied to, especially if you?ve asked on 4 or 5 occasions. Sometimes there?s no proof, and sometimes there?s no lie. Sometimes it?s impossible to know one way or another.
I really hope the counselling goes well, for both of you. The effects of porn addiction are very difficult problem to overcome, even when the acting out has stopped. I had no idea it would be this difficult, and my partner, to my knowledge, has not relapsed. One thing I know is that I never want to be treated like shit again. It?s such difficult situation to get beyond. That?s why I wish you all the best with your counselling. X