Blueberry4
Member
I'm a 36 year old female engaged to a 27 year old man. I have reason to believe he has porn-induced delayed ejaculation. This isn't the only concern I have about our relationship, but sort of amplifies the other concerns that I have.
The good: We got together through a mutual friend who essentially match-made us. He's generally a great communicator, lets me know what is on his mind, and does many sweet things for me. He's funny and makes me laugh. I have some physical issues of my own (a condition that makes me get injured and sprained very easily, unfortunately it is not within my control) and he is very sweet about supporting me through it and being gentle (At times it causes a lot of pain). Also, I have expressed to him that because of my condition and age, pregnancy could be difficult and he suggested adoption because he really wants to be with me and make it work. This is something that made me feel very supported and that I was looking for.
My concerns:
1) Sexual Dysfunction
We have been together for a year and one month and he has only come once with me. It always made me feel insecure and not good enough but then I'd tell myself it wasn't my fault. I just recently suggested looking into some of these websites so he has not tried to reboot yet. I know that he uses devices and toys "fleshlight" and I assume he watches porn a lot because he has been single for something like 4 to 5 years before me and has admitted to watching it.
2) Close Friendships with Damsel-in-Distress Young Women
He has a lot of close relationships with younger women. When we first got together, I embraced his close friendships so long as I was made a priority over them. However, at times he showed abnormal codependent tendencies towards them and had expressed being previously attracted to one of them. He doesn't hang out with her as much, but still has a relationship with one 21 or 22 year old that bothers me at times. For example, we video-chat every night at 11, but he used that time to talk to her, promised to talk to me after, and then fall asleep without talking to me. I don't mind if he talks to her but I don't like him using time designated for us to do so. In addition, the girls he talks to are "needy" and look to him as a support through their drama. I'm okay with him having female friends but am not wild about the idea of it being a damsel in distress calling at 11 pm at night.... No. I have discussed these matters with him and I think he understands... somewhat. He has tried to make some adjustments, but I don't know that they are always enough because he will always make a sort of similar mistake. (Not getting me a Valentines day gift, but then getting the same gift for me and his other, younger girl-friend. (Tickets to see a concert). I don't have friendships with the opposite sex.
In other-words, the sexual dysfunction is enough to make me feel insecure a bit but with the presence of these younger women (younger than him even) and his questionable ways of interacting with them, I can't help but feel incredibly uncomfortable and like I am doing something unnatural in being with a man that is 9 years younger than me.
3)Limited life development and maturity
He is younger than me but also young as far as life development. He lives in his parent's basement, has never lived on his own besides college, and doesn't understand basic concepts such as interest rates and paying utilities. His mother makes him peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for work some days. I also have had to move back in with my parents because of health issues and going to grad school to change my career. However I have supported myself and lived independently and know how the real world works. He comes from an affluent background and seems to expect things to come easy to him. For example, he expected to be given a full time job at a preschool based on how long he worked there part time, not due to initiative. He would express frustration when people who started working there after him were promoted earlier than him. However, he often calls out of work, arrives late, and watches movies during nap time. I know, as someone who has worked in preschools and education, that that doesn't really make you shine for a promotion to full time. I would suggest to him taking some education classes or looking elsewhere to work, but wanted to be careful about lecturing him and kept my comments limited about all of this. Im not a parent and never want that dynamic.
Thus far, the sexual dysfunction has not made me very upset, only somewhat upset and somewhat frustrated. However, I can sort of foresee that it could be a much bigger deal when I'm aging and he still wants to have very close friendships with younger women.. say.. when I'm 48 and he's 39. This concerns me. The presence of these close young women friendships along with the inability to come with me makes me feel like something is not right.
He is WILD about me and is very excited to marry me. I do love him and enjoy being in his presence (most of the time), but I've got jitters due to the reasons above.
(Also.. I tried anal sex with him for maybe 30 seconds with no lube mid relationship because he wanted to and i felt bad about him not reaching orgasm and it hurt and I was in pain for a week after. After, I was mad I did that because I did it for him.. not for me. AND even worse when I expressed concern about it, he rolled his eyes and said nothing bad would come of it.. Sometimes he's incredibly selfish even if he's considerate other times.)
Thoughts on this?
The good: We got together through a mutual friend who essentially match-made us. He's generally a great communicator, lets me know what is on his mind, and does many sweet things for me. He's funny and makes me laugh. I have some physical issues of my own (a condition that makes me get injured and sprained very easily, unfortunately it is not within my control) and he is very sweet about supporting me through it and being gentle (At times it causes a lot of pain). Also, I have expressed to him that because of my condition and age, pregnancy could be difficult and he suggested adoption because he really wants to be with me and make it work. This is something that made me feel very supported and that I was looking for.
My concerns:
1) Sexual Dysfunction
We have been together for a year and one month and he has only come once with me. It always made me feel insecure and not good enough but then I'd tell myself it wasn't my fault. I just recently suggested looking into some of these websites so he has not tried to reboot yet. I know that he uses devices and toys "fleshlight" and I assume he watches porn a lot because he has been single for something like 4 to 5 years before me and has admitted to watching it.
2) Close Friendships with Damsel-in-Distress Young Women
He has a lot of close relationships with younger women. When we first got together, I embraced his close friendships so long as I was made a priority over them. However, at times he showed abnormal codependent tendencies towards them and had expressed being previously attracted to one of them. He doesn't hang out with her as much, but still has a relationship with one 21 or 22 year old that bothers me at times. For example, we video-chat every night at 11, but he used that time to talk to her, promised to talk to me after, and then fall asleep without talking to me. I don't mind if he talks to her but I don't like him using time designated for us to do so. In addition, the girls he talks to are "needy" and look to him as a support through their drama. I'm okay with him having female friends but am not wild about the idea of it being a damsel in distress calling at 11 pm at night.... No. I have discussed these matters with him and I think he understands... somewhat. He has tried to make some adjustments, but I don't know that they are always enough because he will always make a sort of similar mistake. (Not getting me a Valentines day gift, but then getting the same gift for me and his other, younger girl-friend. (Tickets to see a concert). I don't have friendships with the opposite sex.
In other-words, the sexual dysfunction is enough to make me feel insecure a bit but with the presence of these younger women (younger than him even) and his questionable ways of interacting with them, I can't help but feel incredibly uncomfortable and like I am doing something unnatural in being with a man that is 9 years younger than me.
3)Limited life development and maturity
He is younger than me but also young as far as life development. He lives in his parent's basement, has never lived on his own besides college, and doesn't understand basic concepts such as interest rates and paying utilities. His mother makes him peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for work some days. I also have had to move back in with my parents because of health issues and going to grad school to change my career. However I have supported myself and lived independently and know how the real world works. He comes from an affluent background and seems to expect things to come easy to him. For example, he expected to be given a full time job at a preschool based on how long he worked there part time, not due to initiative. He would express frustration when people who started working there after him were promoted earlier than him. However, he often calls out of work, arrives late, and watches movies during nap time. I know, as someone who has worked in preschools and education, that that doesn't really make you shine for a promotion to full time. I would suggest to him taking some education classes or looking elsewhere to work, but wanted to be careful about lecturing him and kept my comments limited about all of this. Im not a parent and never want that dynamic.
Thus far, the sexual dysfunction has not made me very upset, only somewhat upset and somewhat frustrated. However, I can sort of foresee that it could be a much bigger deal when I'm aging and he still wants to have very close friendships with younger women.. say.. when I'm 48 and he's 39. This concerns me. The presence of these close young women friendships along with the inability to come with me makes me feel like something is not right.
He is WILD about me and is very excited to marry me. I do love him and enjoy being in his presence (most of the time), but I've got jitters due to the reasons above.
(Also.. I tried anal sex with him for maybe 30 seconds with no lube mid relationship because he wanted to and i felt bad about him not reaching orgasm and it hurt and I was in pain for a week after. After, I was mad I did that because I did it for him.. not for me. AND even worse when I expressed concern about it, he rolled his eyes and said nothing bad would come of it.. Sometimes he's incredibly selfish even if he's considerate other times.)
Thoughts on this?