My therapist is saying consider leaving my husband

[Heathertheweather]

I found out 6 weeks ago my husband has been addicted to porn for 10 years. Since I discovered it he has admitted it and as far as I know has been clean and is seeing a therapist to get help.
I have also been seeing a therapist and this week she suggested I have only been trying to make it work and make him/us better and that I should be considering other options. Which to me sounds like leaving him.
She talked through the likely background to his addiction ie unhealthy porn use for years before we even met. The likely hood of long term damage to his ability to connect with me intimately ever. May be my take on it but she also suggested I question what I am really staying for ie suggesting the porn had possibly killed or made our relationship not really exist. Sorry some of this is my take not her exact words.
This has got me really rattled as I was thinking I wanted to at least try rather than walk away from a 20 year relationship. Although I am aware and not sure myself if it can be fixed.
I have not told anyone about his addiction so have no other measure of her advice. So not sure if I am being naive or doing the right thing. Although to be fair I think she is trying to get me to think about protecting myself but possibly at the expense of my marriage.
Any advice welcome. Also should say not talking to my husband about what she said feels the right thing for his recovery but makes me feel like I am keeping something big from him....

 

[malando]

It sounds like she has slightly overstepped if you are correct in what she is suggesting. It's one thing to run through the list of possible options, but a therapist shouldn't be advocating any particular course of action for you. She should be taking the lead from you. If you decide you want to work on the relationship, it's her duty to assist you in doing so, not be dragging you back to an option you have taken off the table. I wonder whether she is bringing some sort of personal experience of her own to the equation here. I do think you will have to raise the subject with her so that you don't feel like you are being undermined in working towards your goals. Maybe it's a misunderstanding.

 

[aquarius25]

That is something that only you can decide. Just like everything in life people (weather you are paying them or not) will give advise, run that advise through your own filter. Only you can decide what is right for you.

Yes, ,porn addiction is serious, it causes tremendous damage on everyone involved but there is hope too. Every situation is different, there is no one answer because every relationship is unique. For me, my husband had a 10+ yrs addiction that he his as well but he was trying, he was open and communicating. That, at least for me, was the most important part. I am really big on honesty and integrity (having your actions and words align). If he was showing an effort in that direction then I was still willing to give this a shot. I am not going to say that I never wanted to leave, there were plenty times I did but I decided to stick it out.

You need to figure out what your needs and boundaries are for you to be in this relationship. He needs to do the same. Then the two of you can sit down, share that info with each other and make boundaries and goals together. Ber sure to write them down and have consequences agreed to as well. THis will give some frame work that you both can work through. Like if he relapses he needs to tell you right away. If he doesn't anything after a 3 hr period after the relapse means he is sleeping on the couch until you feel safe again. It might mean he moves out. You have to figure out what you are comfortable with and what you need to feel safe and secure. He needs to communicate when he is feeling tempted or in triggering situation what his plan is. What does he need from you as support? You both are working through different things but can be a huge support to each other if you work together, and in doing so the relationship has a chance to heal. BUt it is also perfectly ok if you realize through this process that you don't want to be here, the relationship just isn't something you can feel safe and secure in. That is ok too. There is no right or wrong answer. Only you can make that choice.

Don't let this person shake your ability to determine your relationship. Maybe look for another more professional therapist too, lol. At the very least communicate to this therapist that what they said made you feel uncomfortable.

Sending you lots of blessing!

 

[Heathertheweather]

Thanks for your response it is very helpful.
We have not been specific about boundaries and I am a bit confused about how to be specific. I suppose I need to understand what is going on in his head currently but he is not sharing that. It feels like we are not talking about anything real ie the porn problem. If I bring it up he will mostly answer but certainly is not willingly sharing. Silly example but we were out with friends last night and he mentioned going to a particular restaurant for lunch that he has never been to. Sounds silly but his office has on site facilities and he is always too busy for lunch so or was unusual. I said why not tell me he said I must not have asked him what he was up to that day ie my fault I did not ask the right question. I know it is a silly example but if he is not sharing the simple interesting parts of his day how can I expect he is being honest about the porn recovery? I have been dying to ask how his therapy us going well really to understand where his head is about ability to recover and recovering our marriage. I probed a bit the other night on the phone on my way home. Partly on the phone I felt brave and we were having a pleasant exchange he refused to get into details but inferred there were things that would cause me to be upset. He said we should talk later which in some ways feels sensible but in others feels like he is controlling the dialogue and when I get to speak. All that did was make me feel angry, not sleep that night and get the bad acid/cramps in my stomach again. Last night before he came to the party he realised on the phone I was not happy and was quite insistent he would not come unless I explained on the phone what was wrong. Again him controlling the dialogue and asking me to do precisely what he refused to do. Sorry a bit of a rambling nonsense maybe petty rant but that is cause my head is broken. I think in summary what I am saying is your husband seemed to be doing all the right things for you to help. Mine maybe thanks he is but seems incapable of being open or understanding his role in coming to the table on that.

 

[Gracie]

My husband was horrible in the beginning.  He made a lot of personal remarks to me which were very harmful.  I chose to stay in my marriage and do not regret it.  However, I won't sugarcoat it, it was tough at times.  I shrunk away from his touch because it was both infrequent and only when he wanted sex.  So I came up with ways to address this.  And it was for me.  We go to bed at same time every night.  We stay in bed all night.  We sleep naked.  We had what I called full body hugs before sleep and when waking up.  Not sexual, not for purpose of sex.  For re-connecting.  We kiss hello and good bye every time.  Work, grocery, errands...everytime.  Not peck kisses, real kisses.  No tv or internet alone.  Non-negotiable.  No orgasms unless we were together.  Those were the beginning. 

I would suggest reading Sue Johnson's book Hold Me Tight outloud together.  My husband and I would talk about us as we read.  Reading aloud was a big help.

Only you can decide what is best for you.  I could not imagine myself without him.  The work was worth it!

 

[Heathertheweather]

Thanks that gives me some hope and some ideas for how to approach it. I really appreciate it.

 

[AppleJack]

Hi partner 2 years post discovery.

I don't think it's bad advice for her to suggest you consider all options. He may not stay clean, or you may find you can't move on from the betrayal. I think it's very wise to at least seek legal advice and make sure that should it all not work out you will be financially ok and depending on laws where you are getting something put into writing with respect to what happens if you separate isn't a bad idea either.

I  would think also that she was may be wanting you to
take a step back and consider all options if she felt you had tunnel vision about any one particular outcome.

And yes they can be awful when it all first comes to light, their behaviour on discovery adds trauma to the trauma. Mine did move past that, I can't say things are fantastic though even 2 years later, but I know others have had it work out better

 

[Fappy]

yes, as other posters have said, your therapist shouldnt be telling you to do something as drastic as leave your husband over his porn addiction. and if she is in fact telling you to do that, you should see another therapist.
having said that, have you always been consistent and attentive to his sexual needs as his wife? have you ever been unfaithful to him or refused his sexual advances? What about your appearance and personal hygeine? anything to turn him off wanting sex from you?
these factors may account for his porn use (or should i say abuse!)
thanks, and good luck

 

[AppleJack]

yes, as other posters have said, your therapist shouldnt be telling you to do something as drastic as leave your husband over his porn addiction. and if she is in fact telling you to do that, you should see another therapist.
having said that, have you always been consistent and attentive to his sexual needs as his wife? have you ever been unfaithful to him or refused his sexual advances? What about your appearance and personal hygeine? anything to turn him off wanting sex from you?
these factors may account for his porn use (or should i say abuse!)
thanks, and good luck

erm no no and no. His porn use is 100% on him and I doubt he be was all those things to her during his use,  which would what? make her having an affair ok or having webcam sex with other men ok. let's get real here.
oh and fyi porn use is most definietly a valid reason for divorce, as many on here could attest to (addict and partners)

 

[mousemat1]

having said that, have you always been consistent and attentive to his sexual needs as his wife? have you ever been unfaithful to him or refused his sexual advances? What about your appearance and personal hygeine? anything to turn him off wanting sex from you?
these factors may account for his porn use (or should i say abuse!)
thanks, and good luck

I can't believe I really read this. We are always free to refuse someone's sexual advances. What gives anyone the right to demand sex on tap? Married or not, a woman or a man can refuse to have sex for any number of reasons. It might create problems within the relationship but that never gives anyone the right to coerce another person into having sex.

 

[Fappy]

yes, as other posters have said, your therapist shouldnt be telling you to do something as drastic as leave your husband over his porn addiction. and if she is in fact telling you to do that, you should see another therapist.
having said that, have you always been consistent and attentive to his sexual needs as his wife? have you ever been unfaithful to him or refused his sexual advances? What about your appearance and personal hygeine? anything to turn him off wanting sex from you?
these factors may account for his porn use (or should i say abuse!)
thanks, and good luck

erm no no and no. His porn use is 100% on him and I doubt he be was all those things to her during his use,  which would what? make her having an affair ok or having webcam sex with other men ok. let's get real here.
oh and fyi porn use is most definietly a valid reason for divorce, as many on here could attest to (addict and partners)

Mmmmmm think you've got the wrong idea here buddy. Having an affair due to ones partners porn use is not ok, nor is any form of sexual stimulation with another ( webcam sex as you said, i didn't even mention that)
Porn may be a valid reason for divorce, but it's also something that can be readily cured by rewiring the brain through a reboot. So yes let's , please, get real here

 

[Fappy]

having said that, have you always been consistent and attentive to his sexual needs as his wife? have you ever been unfaithful to him or refused his sexual advances? What about your appearance and personal hygeine? anything to turn him off wanting sex from you?
these factors may account for his porn use (or should i say abuse!)
thanks, and good luck

I can't believe I really read this. We are always free to refuse someone's sexual advances. What gives anyone the right to demand sex on tap? Married or not, a woman or a man can refuse to have sex for any number of reasons. It might create problems within the relationship but that never gives anyone the right to coerce another person into having sex.

Ok calm down, before you go off into an oversensitive mens/women's rights rant, no ones coercing anyone into anything, nor is anyone condoning such behavior. With all due respect to the OP, we don't know all of the details of their relationship and as such must consider things from both sides.
I'm sorry if you were offended.

 

[AppleJack]

you do realise you are blaming her for his porn use right. My point is if he was inattentive to her needs, refused sex etc like many addicts do does that warrant her getting sexual satisfaction else where, what about if he's fat and drinks of no like a lot of men do?. Personally I don't see a difference between porn, webcams and affairs, with all three the person is essentially getting sex somewhere other than with their partner.

I think your post shows you are far from reformed, it's misogynistic, misguided and completely unhelpful in any way shape or form to the op, and partner or any recovering addict

 

[Gracie]

Reformed fapper...So your post implies that if she had sex with him whenever he wanted, did everything he wanted to do sex wise, cooked and cleaned for him, was a Victorias Secret model ie clean and healthy with make up on ALL the time he would be a better husband to her? 

So we have Christie Brinkley whose husband was a PA big time.  We have John Mayer, who could have anyone, we have Russell Brand.  We have Jennifer Lawrence's boyfriend.  Just to name a few.  Cheaters be cheaters and porn addicts be porn addicts. 

You need to read everything Gary Wilson and Gabe Deem have written and recorded again.  If you are placing being a porn addict at the feet of the Partners, you are not Reformed.

 

[malando]

yes, as other posters have said, your therapist shouldnt be telling you to do something as drastic as leave your husband over his porn addiction. and if she is in fact telling you to do that, you should see another therapist.
having said that, have you always been consistent and attentive to his sexual needs as his wife? have you ever been unfaithful to him or refused his sexual advances? What about your appearance and personal hygeine? anything to turn him off wanting sex from you?
these factors may account for his porn use (or should i say abuse!)
thanks, and good luck

Pretty disappointing, RF. I think you should look into how reformed you really are because you you have uttered a few misogynist things of late. You may have stopped using porn, but there are a number of attitudes in your posts that suggests you are still affected by the mentality of porn. Furthermore, this part of the forum is for partners and you would do well to tread lightly here because unless you are being supportive, your presence isn't wanted here.

 

[HumbleRich]

Reformed, if there is any essence of sense in what you said, it could be that someone should not stay in a relationship with someone who does not meet their sexual needs (in a situation where this could not be changed through an act on the other person?s Part).  (IE: premature ejaculation can be fixed with lots of sex, (IE. practice, or even through masturbation, if done the right way, without porn).  No duh.  You should not be in a relationship if you are sexual and the other person isn?t.  Who on Earth would even begin such a relationship?  Your logic here isn?t really relevant and it only serves to support your misogynous attitude that a victim of alienation of affection be forced to engage with the perpetrator sexually.  No one is saying that anyone should be in a relationship with someone who has no attraction to, or innate desire to have sex with them.  What the?  No one denies that, at least subconsciously, we begin relationships to have sex.  This logic is just bizarre.  The fvictim doesn?t want to express affection or have intimacy with someone e who is still mistreating them.  Is that not obvious?  And so, in this case, the way to bring back sex for the perp, is the same way that he would repair the relationship on higher levels, by stopping the porn addiction and rebuilding with her.

On the subject of whether divorce is justified by porn use, I would argue it depends on the perps motivation to, and success at, overcoming porn addiction.  Simply because virtually every man in the western world is likely to have viewed porn at some point in his life.  I don?t mean to trivialize anything, I just feel it is a fact.  Also, I would question how deep the feelings of the victim are if she would so easily leave a relationship without attempting to rebuild.  But then again, it is unfair for me to say such a thing without knowing the details of the relationship and what has gone on before.

Should a partner leave someone who doesn?t give a damn about true recovery.  Absolutely, as the man has no true desire to ?reform? himself for the relationship. 

Also, what is your fascination with vulgarity? 

 

[i_hate_porn]

Your therapist has no business telling you that. They seem the kind of person who likes encouraging divorce as a "solution" at the drop of a hat. If your husband is aware of his problem and doing everything he can to solve it and you still love him and you think you can forgive him and trust him once he earns back your trust you should surely give your marriage a chance.

 

[mvolarez]

First of all do not even take into consideration what some one here has suggested about your personal hygiene or looks. This is in no way your fault.

Second, you should never punish your husband if he relapses and push him away by making him sleep on the couch. You have to treat this like drug addiction. If you push him away, he'll go back to his comfort zone, his happy place, where it is worry free and feels so good - porn. You will seem like the bad guy and porn will seem like the good guy.

Third, your therapist could be right about considering other options but that is something you have to think of and realize on your own - it's not her place to make such suggestions.

Fourth, the length of porn addiction and recovery time are not correlated. Just because your husband has been doing it for so long does not mean that so much damage has been done that it's almost irreversible. Yes, it requires dedication and commitment, and yes, he will take longer to recover than someone who's been doing it for only a couple of years but looking at stories on here, men are recovering pretty quick compared to years and years of porn addiction. Some are back to normal in just a few months. I've been addicted to porn for 10 years and I only stopped when I realized and understood that I do have a problem. I understood all the consequences and the damage it does both psychologically and physically. All your husband needs is to wake up and understand what he is doing to himself and how this is all affecting him and everyone around him. I myself did not realize all this for the longest time and I actually thought I was only over doing it a little with porn - the reality was that it was ruining my life.

Finally, If you leave him, he will continue to watch porn and it could get worse. So if you care about him, talk to him openly and honestly. Tell him what you're thinking and make him understand how bad this is for him, whether you are in his life or not. Hopefully, he'll stop and deicide to focus all that sexual energy towards you, towards someone real, and realize how much more rewarding and fulfilling it is.


Wishing you all the best.

 

[Heathertheweather]

Not been on the site for a while probably just as well reading the comments from the unreformed Fappy. Thanks to everyone else though your comments are positive and constructive on both sides of the argument. Happy just in answer to your many insensitive and frankly hard to believe on this website  questions. No never has an affair don't particularly remember refusing sex much either not any larger or smaller than I was 20 years ago but 39 years have passed. Do let me know where I can pick up a time machine if you have one so I can stop the ageing process. Buy the food, made dinner 50% of the time (I also work full time and am the main breadwinner in our house) and pay for a cleaner, is this the sort of thing you mean by taking care of him. Let him by a porche while i drive a small car And unlike my friends never nag h8m about anything. Or shoud I be doing more maybe dinner every night, ribbon in my hair when he gets home, gaze at him sympathetically if he has had a bad day and tell him mine was fine. Maybe i should go the whe hog and get him a free subscription to his favourate on line babe or invite one round or buy him a prostitute for Christmas? Tell me is this what I have been going wrong???? Is this why I have managed not to become an addict over the last 15 years while he has and you have??? Ps reformed my ass. Still blaming woman for your problems. I pity your partner. One thing positive is he is not like you and for that I am grateful and is why I am still with him. I think your post is hugely damaging in particular to anyone who has just  found out about it and is thinking it is all their fault. In the early dark days this site was a lifeline and at time I thought about  suicide but the encouragement on here and my therapist stopped me. If I has read your post I think it would have pushed me over the edge. I'd urge you to consider the impact your words could have on someone and if you really want to help.....maybe best to say nothing.

 

[Rookie]

If I can add my input.

I remember years ago, while I was at work, my wife called me on my cell, and said "you might want to go in a private spot at your office". So I did, and then she tells me "I was using your tablet, and when I opened the internet, the first site that came up, was porn"...well, I was like any husband, found out, in disbelief that I didn't properly clear my browser, humiliated and worried about the next consequences of my actions, and her future decisions. I stuttered, denied it, claimed it was just pop ups...and immediately went to my boss and advised there was a family emergency.

Went home and prayed all the way home (embarrassingly enough, I'm a Christian, struggling with this addiction, but coming to terms to fight it and get rid of it out of my life). Praying that she would not leave me, and besides that, I have no idea what I wanted...

When I got home, I found her sitting calmly on the stairs of the back deck, drinking coffee. So I apologized with tears, she turned around and hugged me. I was in disbelief, I was expecting WW3. She simply said, I'm so sorry, if I was the intimate wife I should be, instead of turning you down as much as I do, maybe you wouldn't be struggling with this.

I was completely in disbelief. Now, with that said, I have NEVER blamed my wife's rejections for my addictions. While they maybe somewhat related, porn is completely my addiction independent of her.

This happened between 2014 and 2015. I don't remember exactly. I still struggle now, (hence, I'm on the site, and since on the site, I'm actually doing well).

My suggestion to you heathertheweather, is without pressuring him, or anger. Since he knows you know, I would occasionally ask him how he's doing with the struggle and if there's progress. No self respecting man wants to be in this addiction. A very good friend of mine and her husband (addicted Christian as well, and he traveled for weeks at a time) told me, that once a week, in private of the kids, she would sit down with him and let him know she was there for him, and would do whatever she could to support his quitting the addiction. But she would not accept him continuing the addiction (she didn't mind the odd relapse providing he was progressing)

I hope this might be a bit of help. And for the therapist to suggest a divorce, you need a new therapist. Something tells me she's either angry at men in general, or she had a bad relationship and it's reflecting in her practice.

If your husband doesn't want to quit the addiction, then you have to decide on if you stay or leave. Some wives don't care, some do.