Hi everyone, I'm Josh and I'm 21 years old. The last time I viewed Porn (video) was December 18th, 2017. I have not watched a video of any sort of porn since that time, but I still have been cheating myself for months, and I want to be honest with myself and say these "half measures" of quitting porn will stop now.
I had many, many times where I wanted to watch porn videos, but was able to successfully stop myself from watching videos, viewing literotica, or looking at pictures. Eventually though, urges just got really really bad, especially in times where I was struggling in my relationship with my girlfriend, had some bad news about a family member, or just wasn't doing as well as I wanted to in school. During these times, it was as if I was compromising with myself and saying "look, it's not as bad as watching porn videos, if you just look at pictures or literotica." Things were still okay with my girlfriend as far as our sex life, but I felt that it was just that; OK. It wasn't great, and I always felt like it could be better. I felt like I just didn't complete the reboot I set out to last December, and just gave up as things got satisfactory as far as a sex life is concerned. But, I want things to be great, not just OK, and I want to stop cheating myself from doing a full reboot, and refraining from all sexual content and not just videos.
My girlfriend and I have been broken up for a few weeks now, and I haven't really been with anyone else since that time, as I was still getting over our break up, which I have fully accepted and am over now. But, I want things with the next woman I am with to be fantastic, and the best they possibly can. I feel like I still have urges about watching gay or transsexual porn, which I have read might be part of HOCD. I don't view myself as being attractive to other men or transsexual women in real life, and the times I would JO to literotica or pictures, I instantly just felt shame and not happy about myself right after I was done. I would still view stories or pictures of gay or transexual people, but I never felt like that reflected me in real life. Oddly enough, I don't have a real burning desire to watch porn videos anymore, as I feel like I have gone so long without watching them. It is more the literotica and pictures that I have struggled with not viewing, but have successfully not looked at now for six days.
I want to continue that streak, and fully complete this reboot that I set out to do last December. I have been successful in having sex in the time since I stopped watching pornographic videos, but I know things can be better both physically for me. I feel like arousal and erections can be better, and the reason that they are not (whether I am with another person, or just by myself), is because I cheated myself by letting myself still look at pictures and stories. I think I am still struggling with the HOCD stuff too, but this is not as bad as it was prior to last December when I really started this journey.
What I feel like I need is just a way to be held accountable for not giving myself any slack as I cut out the remaining forms of artificial stimulation that I have been using for months. I realize now that it is not a video, but it is still porn, and it is still artificial and preventing me from fully recovering to the best of my ability. Giving up watching videos helped, and I know that fully giving up stories and pictures is the next step and will only help further. I want to keep checking up on this post, and greatly appreciate any and all encouragement and advice that anyone is willing to offer. It helped me so much having all the support I received on reboot nation the first time I gave up watching videos, so I know that this support is a very useful tool in helping as I work on correcting these "half measures" that I have been doing for months. I want to go all the way, and push myself and be the best person and partner that I can be from an intimacy standpoint for the next woman that I meet in my life. I have been selling myself short of what I can do, and what I am willing to accept as being "all better" throughout this reboot, and I want that to stop now. I know I can do more now, and that is what I am willing to do.
Thanks for reading and as always, thank you for the support.
I had many, many times where I wanted to watch porn videos, but was able to successfully stop myself from watching videos, viewing literotica, or looking at pictures. Eventually though, urges just got really really bad, especially in times where I was struggling in my relationship with my girlfriend, had some bad news about a family member, or just wasn't doing as well as I wanted to in school. During these times, it was as if I was compromising with myself and saying "look, it's not as bad as watching porn videos, if you just look at pictures or literotica." Things were still okay with my girlfriend as far as our sex life, but I felt that it was just that; OK. It wasn't great, and I always felt like it could be better. I felt like I just didn't complete the reboot I set out to last December, and just gave up as things got satisfactory as far as a sex life is concerned. But, I want things to be great, not just OK, and I want to stop cheating myself from doing a full reboot, and refraining from all sexual content and not just videos.
My girlfriend and I have been broken up for a few weeks now, and I haven't really been with anyone else since that time, as I was still getting over our break up, which I have fully accepted and am over now. But, I want things with the next woman I am with to be fantastic, and the best they possibly can. I feel like I still have urges about watching gay or transsexual porn, which I have read might be part of HOCD. I don't view myself as being attractive to other men or transsexual women in real life, and the times I would JO to literotica or pictures, I instantly just felt shame and not happy about myself right after I was done. I would still view stories or pictures of gay or transexual people, but I never felt like that reflected me in real life. Oddly enough, I don't have a real burning desire to watch porn videos anymore, as I feel like I have gone so long without watching them. It is more the literotica and pictures that I have struggled with not viewing, but have successfully not looked at now for six days.
I want to continue that streak, and fully complete this reboot that I set out to do last December. I have been successful in having sex in the time since I stopped watching pornographic videos, but I know things can be better both physically for me. I feel like arousal and erections can be better, and the reason that they are not (whether I am with another person, or just by myself), is because I cheated myself by letting myself still look at pictures and stories. I think I am still struggling with the HOCD stuff too, but this is not as bad as it was prior to last December when I really started this journey.
What I feel like I need is just a way to be held accountable for not giving myself any slack as I cut out the remaining forms of artificial stimulation that I have been using for months. I realize now that it is not a video, but it is still porn, and it is still artificial and preventing me from fully recovering to the best of my ability. Giving up watching videos helped, and I know that fully giving up stories and pictures is the next step and will only help further. I want to keep checking up on this post, and greatly appreciate any and all encouragement and advice that anyone is willing to offer. It helped me so much having all the support I received on reboot nation the first time I gave up watching videos, so I know that this support is a very useful tool in helping as I work on correcting these "half measures" that I have been doing for months. I want to go all the way, and push myself and be the best person and partner that I can be from an intimacy standpoint for the next woman that I meet in my life. I have been selling myself short of what I can do, and what I am willing to accept as being "all better" throughout this reboot, and I want that to stop now. I know I can do more now, and that is what I am willing to do.
Thanks for reading and as always, thank you for the support.