New Member Story and hope for feedback/Help/Knowledge

WinkTinkTillium

Active Member
Hi Everyone,

I am glad this forum exists and that I am not alone facing the scariest journey I have ever had to embark on.  After researching for about a month and watching the RebootNation YouTube videos plus many others.  I am quite convinced that I am experiencing PIED.  I find absolutely baffling that I was completely unaware that this result could incur because of the habit of masturbating to port!  I am looking to see what everyone thinks about my history, if it could be PIED, and how to make a reboot plan vs winging it.

A little back story:  I am 32, overweight, trying not to be a smoker. and have been using porn to masturbate daily to blowjob porn almost primarily since I was an early teen.  In college I would either use porn daily, sometimes twice a day or be with my girlfriend or the fling of the week.  Thinking back to college PIED or Performance Anxiety began because sometimes I would have successful sex or I wouldn't work at all.  I would achieve a full mast erection but then quickly go down when vaginal sex began.  Oral sex would almost always work.  Shortly after college i met my now ex wife.  She was new and exciting so I would work most of the time but then others again no dice I would go limp shortly into vaginal play with Oral Sex still achieving climax.  Sometimes i would go half soft during the oral but then if she changed it up renewed success.  As time progressed over our 7 year marriage it became evident i had some sort of issue.  My ex wife was scared of getting pregnant even on birth control so I would also by her request never orgasm internally via vaginal sex.  We stopped engaging in sexual activity and i compensated by masturbating more.  And my tastes did become more extreme. Getting frustrated at not being able to have vaginal intercourse.  I would have to self service myself to the point right before climax and finish inside of my ex wife to conceive my daughter.  Isn't having sex supposed to be fun? LOL.  I didn't know what was going on.  I began going to the doctor, ruled out blood pressure, heart disease, my circulatory system obviously isn't 100% with smoking but no hard damage yet, cholesterol and testosterone are normal, no diabetes etc etc.  Definitely some situational anxiety and depression due to recent divorce but not daily or weekly even.

I have a new girlfriend of 2 months and i really started to get worried when I was unable to perform with her even though i am really turned on and desire nothing else than to please her.  I even got Viagra from my doctor and it worked the first time but has done absolutely nothing since.  No lasting erection after initial hardness, i go soft after a few minutes.  However again if my GF performs oral sex, every time up until last week she was able to have me achieve climax easily.  My thought is that i have desensitized myself to vaginal sex and sex in general due to porn but since my biggest turn on is oral sex that that still works sometimes?

Some symptoms i exhibit are:

Loss of erection during vaginal sex
Loss of erection standing up
Almost 90% of the time I don?t get hard when using imagination, if I do I can?t climax ever unless I force and strain a soft penis climax.
Increased/varying/escalating porn trends over the last few years
Periods of not getting hard to porn
About a year ago I was able to get hard and climax insanely fast, within a minute or 2 if I wanted to.


But at the same time i still:

Get morning wood every so often maybe 2 times a week.
Sometimes achieve climax via oral sex
I do get hard and climax to porn sometimes

I hope all of the above is helpful in generating thoughts ideas responses.  I already have gone 3 weeks without porn but i am still trying to engage in sexual activity with my girlfriend even if not successful.  I am not sure where to start with a reboot if PIED is truly what i am facing.  I understand that it takes time and i am willing to do what is needed because this cannot be the rest of my life, no way shape or form.

should i go atleast a month without in person sexual activity and wait for my first wet dream since i was 12?  or is engaging in attempts at activity with my GF truly helping re-develop the correct pathways.  I somehow feel though i need a breather to rebalance.  Just not sure how long to start off with?

I hope to hear your thoughts on if it is PIED or a mix between situational performance anxiety or a mix etc.  Thanks for being here!!!!!
 

foo

Member
What you have sounds exactly like PIED with performance anxiety mixed in.

It's going to take more than just 3 weeks to reverse the dopamine training your brain has undergone for the 14+ years since you were a teen.

My suggestion:
1. Stop porn and masturbation immediately.
2. Confide in your gf. Hopefully she will be supportive.
3. Be patient and start the path toward healing.

I have a similar issue: PIED w/ performance anxiety. I get an erection for my wife but often lose it just before intercourse. I am not abstaining from sex but sometimes use viagra to stay hard.

In your case, I'm not sure if abstaining during your reboot is the right thing. It may be good to stop the oral sex however, since that may be perpetuating the problem.
 

malando

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
I agree with Foo, stop oral sex. Any involvement with that is only going to maintain your porn-addicted pathways and your obsession with oral sex. I would recommend a 90 day reboot in your case to start - and yes, you would have to tell your girlfriend to do that. To be honest, you might not be able to go back to oral sex. Regular intercourse is very pleasurable and you haven't woven such a complex web around it like you have with oral sex. For this reason, I think your brain will be able to rewire to normal intercourse more successfully than it can to a healthy version of oral sex.
 

WinkTinkTillium

Active Member
Thank you both molando & foo.  I have been confiding in my GF and I have her full support which has been a huge help.  She has gone through a lot too.  I will def take the advice and start my reboot that way.  I can?t thank you enough for the quick responses.  I will keep everyone posted.
 

Fappy

Respected Member
Thats textbook PIED. Very similar to my experience with it.
As others have said, stop getting sucked off! It reinforces the bad pleasure/reward pathways that porn addiction has fucked into your brain. You need to rewire that part of your brain that only responds sexually to some filthy whores on a computer screen!
What helped me was focusing on a sense of intimacy with my partner. Just hug each other or makeout at first, you donthave to jizz. Just conentrate on real feelings for her, as opposed to the fake feelings you had for those sluts on the screen. Then move onto sexual touching or even masturbate while hugging her, anything to rewire the brain back into responding to real sexual activity.
It will take some time, but it will be worth it.
[deleted bad joke]
 

foo

Member
> What helped me was focusing on a sense of intimacy with my partner.
> anything to rewire the brain back into responding to real sexual activity.

That's great advice.

> It will take some time, but it will be worth it.

How long did it take for you?
 

Fappy

Respected Member
foo said:
> What helped me was focusing on a sense of intimacy with my partner.
> anything to rewire the brain back into responding to real sexual activity.

That's great advice.

> It will take some time, but it will be worth it.

How long did it take for you?

i started seeing positive results after about 2 weeks. Not a complete reboot, but enough concrete evidence to prove that this reboot thing works!
I didnt rush it, either. I just kept trying to build on the progress. For example; if i was able to get an erection, even only 70%, just from hugging and lying down holding my partner, I took that as a victory. Next, I would masturbate as I hugged her, focusing on the feelings of intimacy and my affection for her. Then, she would use her hand on me. All of these things helped rewire my brain from the porn-dependent creep I once was. I could now get sexually excited from a real person instead of those filthy cum-buckets I wasted so much time on! Once I was comfortable with that progress, after about 2 weeks of that, I could successfully bone her brains out with no thought of not being able to get and maintain an erection.
It is so important to rewire the brain to respond sexually real stimulus. Explain this to your girlfriend and Im sure she will help you out.
But having said that, everyone is different and has different temperaments, this is just my experience.
[deleted bad joke]
 

WinkTinkTillium

Active Member
Thanks @fappy !

I appreciate the additional thoughts and details and your share of experience.  I absolutely need to stop the getting sucked off part, here is an update from my reboot.

So i haven't watched porn or masturbated to Porn in 2 full weeks.  I am so angry and frustrated that i ended up at this point that it is easy for me to not watch it or purposely view it.  A few pictures on Facebook or YouTube pop up but i keep going as to not view them.  I am not masturbating even to personal imagination yet and only focusing on having my girlfrien try.  I believe i have made progress because, when i do cuddle or make out with my Girlfriend or she puts her hands on my anywhere i do get turned on, sometimes rock solid, others about 60% 70%.  we have tried to have sex about 4 times, twice i would last about 2 to 3 minutes before going soft, and 2 times it was instant soft. 
    Her support is so crucial, i know she wants more but she says she is patient and some dick is better than no dick haha. 
    Where my first mistake in my reboot is though is from allowing her to finish me after non successful sex via oral sex.  Which i know is only hindering true progress.
    I also want to at least go a month or so to get a wet dream before orgasming either from her or my own imagination to see what happens next.

I will keep everyone posted!
 
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