Gaining control of Compulsive Masturbation

[BabySteps]

Age: 33
Country: South Africa

Living at my parents house with my mom and sister. Dad passed away last year July 2017. He was the only one who new about my Compulsive porn viewing and Masturbation. He was the only one I could trust with confidential information, especially my Compulsive Masturbation.

Never really succeeded at controlling my thoughts, concentration was always low. Ran to masturbation from the age of 14 for comfort. Meanwhile the habit was messing up my brain, making things worse than before. Concentration dropping every year. Always struggled with low self-esteem from then. I guess one of the reasons is my family was very poor, with a father who refused to work for someone who thought of him a inferior human being because of the colour of his skin.

Sometimes I am in control of this Compulsive habits sometimes I am not.
Have a son I really love, but can't totally provide for his needs financially. I sometimes feel so pathetic about myself, see how much of a under achiever I am. Self hate takes root, self criticism has been my constant companion for like ever.

I need your help fellows, I have been doing a Mathematics degree with University of South Africa for 13 years. Left with 2 modules to finish, but I just self sabotage most of the time. I want to finish but usually I get so anxious that I don't even pitch for exams.

Then the Compulsive habits kick in just to feel better for a moment.

 

[uncreatedlight]

We are on this journey with you, brother.  Your life can change.  Meditate, pray, and take it one day at a time.  Read the stories here of victors.  They aren't superhuman.  If they can do it, we can do it.

Good luck!

 

[Fappy]

Hello Winner,
In my reboot process I found the feeling of self-disgust to be a very powerful motivator. Those feelings came from the awful things I did when under the influence of my addiction. I never wanted to experience such things again or have those feelings again, so I held onto those rotton feelings about myself vowing to beat this addiction.
Youre here and you know what to do to get better!
Take refuge on this forum and ask as many things as you need to

 

[BabySteps]

Hey uncreatedlight
Thanks for your words of encouragement brother.
The God variable I decided to ignore have to claim it back.
May God our loving creator help us all in this journey

 

[BabySteps]

Hey Reformer Dapper,
Porn is really bad company, it isolates and then make you feel pathetic for being lonely.
A friend I have to really stop taking advice from. Always promising a pleasant experience without shame, but never delivers!
Thank you #Reformer

 

[BabySteps]

Day 0,
Local time 18:40
Feeling okay, about to  go jogging.
Hope to balance this chemicals in my brain.

 

[BabySteps]

A letter to Compulsive habits:

Dear Liar

Now that I did not qualify for my exams, thanks to you and the promise of a good time. The thing is I never get satisfied of hanging around with you until I cum. Hours can pass if I don't come, only me and you.

Living in a fantasy world, always awkward around people. Feeling pathetic, you always suggesting I rub myself to feel better while alone. Always reminding me of how much of a loser I have been. True to a certain extent, but not the final story. I wonder why you always say words that crush my esteem.

When ever a assignment get difficult you come and suggest that I put it asside to do something more fun like jerking off to porn. Hours I have spent being entertained by you.

My first sexual encounter was when I was 5 yeas old, the girl made me feel good. Thought it was just a game of tickling each other, but never thought of telling my parent about it. Something at the back of my mind told me it was wrong. Then came puberty, I started playing around with you more frequent. Isolated myself from hanging with real humans. Although some made fun of me, I should have been stronger and looked for thoe who appreciated me just as I was. But teenage years and it's vulnerability.

I gave you too much control of the majority of my social life. Now I say enough is enough. I deserve a better life than this, I am done with you. Living in hiding makes me feel pathetic, true I might not afford the type of life I wish I was living. But it's never too late, I will fight you. God is giving me strength to be strong.

It's time we part ways, I know my love for you is intense. But you always have solutions that are problems. When Assignments get tough you suggest I put them of until it's too late. Like now I didn't qualify for exams because I handed in the assignments late.

I pray that God will help me focus on recovery. So that I could be a better parent to my son

 

[BabySteps]

Day 2, local time 06H12

Today I make a new start, I didn't qualify for exams. So I choose to start being productive in most of the thins I do. PMO dominated my thinking, I want to take that energy and put it in good use from now. I know it will not be easy, but with a little bit of prayer I shall grow from strength to strength.

May I keep looking at what you have done for me through Jesus Christ, God incarnate!!

 

[BabySteps]

I don't think about porn, starting to be concerned why?
Any how o shall keep moving forward, it has been 4 days now. Will start counting the days from next week

 

[Fappy]

I don't think about porn, starting to be concerned why?
Any how o shall keep moving forward, it has been 4 days now. Will start counting the days from next week

Are you saying that youre concerned that you are NOT thinking about porn? If so, that is definately not a cause for concern, its a cause for celebration!

 

[BabySteps]

Hey Reformer

I just don't trust myself that much now.

Still another day with me stopping to objectify the female species. One day at a time, my goal is to stop objectifying complete by end of this 2018.

 

[malando]

Hey Reformer

I just don't trust myself that much now.

Still another day with me stopping to objectify the female species. One day at a time, my goal is to stop objectifying complete by end of this 2018.

He has a point though - at least wait until you do think about Porn before you worry about it. Enjoy the respite while you can.

 

[BabySteps]

Hey Malando

Thanks for the encouragement buddy. Should have waited, PMOd twice friday evening!

 

[BabySteps]

Day 3, time 19:08

Average day so far, did not read as i would love today. But tomorrow is still another.

Manage to do my jogging in the morning. Planning to commit to the schedule from now. My chances of relapse a decresed the more i stick to my exercise routine. Like friday when i relapsed, decided not to jog that morning. Then at night when i got bored by reading, thought of rubbing myself. The thought of me waiting never came, i just went to autopilot.

So i plan to stick to my exercise routine from now!

 

[Sentimental_geek]

Autopilot sucks! Thats been a big issue for me over the last year or so. Just caving in without a single thought. I could literally be thinking one minute about how being free of PMO is great then the next...well you can guess! Schedules help. As do identifying habits tat trigger it all. Try and be as consistent as you can. You can do it!

 

[BabySteps]

Hey Geek

Thanks for the input buddy. Lets just keep going and never give up!
Freedom is not far from us!

 

[BabySteps]

Day 6, 18:14

Managed to destruct myself by jogging 4times a week for an hour. From Monday to Thursday.
The thought of jerking off is minimized by the fact that i jog.

Still trying to as optimistic as pissible, minimize my anger level too. Trying my best to gossiping and jealousy. One day at i time.

My goal is to be positive as possible.

 

[Fappy]

Things like irritability, short temperdness, and pessimism will all subside soon. The first week or so is usually the worst. But its good that you are getting out and moving your body! Whenever you feel the urge to [juvenile/graphic language deleted], go and have a run instead.

 

[BabySteps]

Hey Reformer

True man, usually I do not feel like socializing. Even going out and hanging with friends is a challenge.
I want to have more friends to hang out with, most of the people i chill with are very critical, the kind of people you wouldnt want to see everyday

 

[BabySteps]

Day 1, 14:15

So far:
1) Went for my 90 minutes jogging in the morning
2) Just came back from church. The pastor was talking about Mark 2

Hope to improve, in actual fact will do everything possible to stay of PMOn for the rest of September.
Just have to update my CV for potential posts that might come out.
May we trust in the presence of our God for the journey we decided to take in fighting this Compulsive behaviours. May he be our strength, looking unto him the author and finisher of our faith