My Story: MO/PMO and HOCD


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        I never masturbated until I was 20 years old. I am 29 as of this writing. Once I did, it was hard to stop. In my adolescence, I touched myself in a crude way. I massaged my penis every now and again, but I never really went through with anything and never spent much time on it surprisingly.
It sounds crazy, but I was afraid to really commit to masturbating. I had no idea as a newly minted graduate of puberty what I was missing, so it was easier to miss.
I looked at sexy photos from an early age--around junior high. Pretty girls, and even porngraphic images (no videos), but I never masturbated. It was curiosity more than anything I think.
I can still see some of those early images and names (pseudonyms, I hope) so clearly in my mind.
I experienced several nocturnal dreams as an adolescent and teenager. I just never felt comfortable masturbating or taking things to another level.
Today, I wish I never had.

I am still a virgin.
I tried to have sex countless times. The first time I tried to get a blowjob (my first attempt at something beyond kissing, groping) I was soft. I could not get hard. Granted, this took place in a parking garage playing cat and mouse with a security guard, but it scarred me. So to be clear, I experienced ED, limp dick whatever you want to call it before I started watching porn.
This took place shortly after I discovered masturbating and had my first non-nocturnal emission. I was masturbating-orgasming (MO) multiple times a day, but only a month, two months ago tops--from the Failed Blowjob.
I don?t get it.
I?d always been attracted to girls and fantasized about them. I had no answers. Now I think the Failed Blowjob was the beginning of my issues with Sexual Orientation Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I feel a little uncomfortable self-diagnosing myself on that, but I have been plagued by that fear for so many years now. And it all started back then in Fall of 2009.
It?s possible I don?t know the answers. This scares me. What if PMO (Porn Masturbation Orgasm)/MO/PIED(Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction) isn?t the issue? What then? What if I am repressed and some sort of psychosomatic homosexual? Can I be fooling myself even though I feel no attraction towards men?
Or is my nervous system, mind and body just that sensitive to PMO/MO?
I floundered through several relationships and sexual experiences that disappointed both parties. Clara, Samantha (twice?) and Simone from France (several fails). It hurt so bad. It still hurts. I even had a quasi-sexual relationship with one of my gay friends at the time--Jack. We would masturbate, just to straight porn. I never felt anything for him and sort of thought I was being groomed in a way. But my stress level with HOCD(homosexual obsessive compulsive disorder) didn?t seem to go away.
I drove myself crazy thinking I was gay. I never thought or felt that before I experienced erectile dysfunction at the ripe old age of 20.
I didn?t really get into heavy porn use until after I had ED. That?s why I am unsure about PIED, per se. But I was masturbating a ton.
For years I jerked off and masturbated to porn. My sexual experience includes one or two successful handjobs. That?s it. The presence of a real girl/woman felt foreign. I didn?t get it. I was aroused on a screen (or in my own head) but not real life?
I didn?t know about any of this ED/PMO stuff until years later. Maybe four or five years later? Seems longer. It feels like this has been with me my entire life. That?s what real pain is: it warps time. Over time, the pincer of pain subsided into a dull, even-keeled, heavy depression with occasional spikes in misery.
Of course I told none of my friends. I?d be with a girl, briefly, and almost as quickly move on or stop things in their tracks. No explanations.
Some of my old friends probably think I am gay: they?ve known me so long and have never seen me with a steady girlfriend. Even Simone in France was not introduced to them when she came overseas. I?m a private person by nature as it is and I didn?t really want them around each other. I think I was embarrassed because I knew I?d get all kinds of immature elbow nudges and comments about sleeping with her.
I guess it bothered me a little that I never felt comfortable sharing what the hell I was (and am) going through with those old friends, but what young guy in his twenties would? I didn?t yet have any information about PMO, ED and all that stuff. I know it?s harsh, but I wish my old friends were more sensitive or down-to-earth I guess. But then, I think even under ideal circumstances I would be loathe to share, so it?s not their fault.
This isn?t something I am dying to get off my chest, even now, but I want to get my story out there to others that are hopefully going through similar things.
When I first discovered No-Fap/PMO/PIED I felt so relieved! An answer? At last? I had an idea that at least my frenzied, compulsive MO was connected to my issues. Could it be that my late start in exploring my sexuality coupled with zero sexual experience created this perfect storm? Can anyone answer that?
It took a while to really get into it though: trying to accept this community of young guys with erectile dysfunction problems. I?m so used to things being complicated when it comes to anything related to sex. Even my innate attraction to women conflicted with my failings in the bedroom. Where was my anchor? Could not masturbating and watching porn fix me?
Poor Simone. She was the first girl I really hurt. Did I love her? No. Maybe if we had successful sex, feelings would have gone a different direction. The language barrier, for one, was a big roadblock. But more importantly, I hurt her. I later learned she saw a doctor for depression when we broke up. She was hurting even more than myself perhaps. If there wasn?t an ocean between us (literally), I think I would have felt even worse. Out of sight, out of mind, sadly.
I feel bad for not feeling worse. That sentence sums me up as well as any. She didn?t really know what was going on with me. She knew I was a virgin and there were times she asked me outright if I was gay after another failed attempt at sex. That really cut deep. I think as a defense mechanism I didn?t really soak in how tough that was to hear--I might?ve broken down otherwise. I resented her for it, but I wasn?t aware of it at the time. She represented my shame and failure as a man. What was wrong with me?
Telling my friends at the time was not an option. Most of my close friends at the time were aware or at least suspected I was a virgin and probably would have been more understanding than I give them credit for. But I couldn?t tell them. My whole life I?ve been terrible at sharing feelings and problems with others. I know this is unhealthy.
Having said that, I don?t know if sharing is for everyone. At least not in the ubiquitous sense of today?s age. It?s important to be cautious. I don?t know. I just don?t like the idea of sharing for sharing?s sake. If you aren?t comfortable sharing with the people in your life, it?s hard to break that habit.
For the moment, I have my nurse practitioner for confiding in. I?ve had a counselor in the past. Those are the kinds of people with whom I feel comfortable sharing my personal life. Professionals. People who get people. When I?ve shared before with friends or family, I?ve been disappointed to be honest. I?ve been hurt, for one, even it was partially my fault (which hurts twice as a long, tangential story), and with my family I never seem to find the right words. I never seem to make the impression or expressions I?m looking for.
For example, when I told my sister I thought I had a drinking problem and was abstaining,(a big moment for me) months later, she didn?t seem to register it on my level. She?s casually offer me alcohol or say things like, ?I don?t know if you still drink?? or otherwise show, for lack of a better term, skepticism. None of that is intended to hurt me. Maybe it?s just a feature of talkers (which she is) to be disappointing listeners. Maybe I need more fine tuning at sharing too.
After Simone and France, there were a few opportunities for me to get laid, but with each girl I?d come up with an excuse or another to save face. Oh, I already came too quickly or Oh, I don?t know if I?m emotionally ready for this (not a complete lie anyway). For the most part, I stopped even trying to date let alone have sex.
Still, I wanted it. I wanted sex, but just seemed incapable. I thought I might be impotent, but couldn?t square that with the ease I could get hard from regular masturbation and then with porn too; my penis seemed to work just fine then.
Before I discovered No-Fap/Your Brain on Porn and other media, I suspected that my MO/PMO was somehow related to my problems. I even think going back to 2010 in France I suspected. Somehow when in France I worked up the nerve to see a doctor about my issues. He thought it was a mental issue, probably performance anxiety or something. Reluctantly, he prescribed me viagra which I took. It didn?t help.
As I mentioned I was an unusually late bloomer when it came to masturbating for the first time. I wonder if this is a factor too? But I just can?t say for certain. Nothing about my sexual development seems normal at any point in my life. It?s as if my hardwiring was locked in on MO/PMO since I never had any kind of outlet in adolescence (besides the occasional nocturnal emission). Every body and mind is different though. I have my doubts about finding true answers yet. I do trust that staying PMO-free is healthy in any case. I?m anxious to not get my life back, but to start my life. I don?t know that I?ve done it yet. My life is successful in many ways, but my patience has never been tested like this before. I have more to post, but this is my start. Thanks to anyone that took the time to read this.