I want to beat this addiction.

[Mechanic10]

I want to beat this addiction.

Porn for me is a matter of shame, morally and personally.
Also, after learning about how it is truly more than just a casual addiction this has been a huge wake up call!

I am in my late 30s.  My first experience with MO was when I was 12.  The next day I told a friend about it and he confided that he had been doing it for months -hence the pile of magazines in his room at his house.

For years, starting at 12, MO was my go-to vice of choice, sometimes from memory of girls I saw that day, sometimes PMO. 

Around age 15(maybe 16?) I started getting the opportunity to have sex but I couldn't.  It was a combination of performance anxiety and not understanding the first thing about the opposite sex.

Eventually I did have sex around age 17.  For years I found that sex was more like M for me I would just go at it and the girl would just lay there why I got off.
That's when I could get it up, a lot of times I couldn't, it seemed real people couldn't do it for me like my imagination. I did a lot of hurting /  misunderstanding over the years, and did a lot of hurting to other sex.

Around age 24, along came the discovery of the internet.  For years it was pictures only. 
I got married at 27.  This provided a temporary hiatus from P.
But after about a year of being married I started looking at internet pictures again.  In the last couple years, I have been looking at videos.  A session could easily last 2 or 3 hours.  This could go on 3-5 days a week.  I would edge for hours, PMO 2 or 3 times in a session.  For years.

Then last year I happened upon a website called YBOP.  I shocked to learn just how much I had in common with so many other Porn Addicts and to the extent that it is harmful to a person well being.  Wow is all I can say.  I quit porn for about 3 months.  The sex life rekindled with my wife and I was having the best sex ever in my mid 30s (I tend to think all the Ads claiming "men have their sexual peak at 20 or whatever to be teetering on complete bulls**t.)

About 3 months in I was triggered by an awkard social moment of disattachement and I MOed.  Then again the next day, then I PMOed.  And was down hill ever since last year back to full blown PMO addiction.

I tried a reboot about 2 weeks ago.  It was going good until last night.  I binged on gambling, alchohol, and PMOed three times last night.  I think I forgot to find a meaningful hobby or find something else to do.

I want to stop and need help.  I have never done a Forum, so I will try it, hopefully to get advice and tips. How do I go about finding an accountability partner? 

By the way, thanks to everyone who was ballsy enough to put their stories out there and thoughtful enough to set up a forum like this.  I know there is truths to be found here, maybe we can get through this better as a group.

Thanks,
Mechanic

**** Journal Answers ********************
?Did I use porn today?
Nope.
?What were my triggers?
n/a
?How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
didn't get out of bed yet. no stress.
?What am I grateful for today?
    1. Starting this journal and finding the REBOOT NATION Forum.
    2. That I have a hobby.  I think I am going to work on my home stereo.
    3. Last night was very bad, I am grateful it wasn't worse.
**** ************ ********************

 

[Mechanic10]

Day 2
Despite the relapse a couple days ago, I didn't have the chaser effect.
Still feeling pretty flatlined.

Mechanic

**** Journal Answers ********************
?Did I use porn today?
Nope.
?What were my triggers?
n/a
?How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
Have been busy all day doing housework.
?What am I grateful for today?
    1. Somebody spoke to me out there in the Reboot Nation.
    2. I have a lot to do, and the time to do it.  No time to be idle and want to look at porn.
**** ************ ********************

 

[Mechanic10]

Day 3
It seems like it is going to be an impossibly long climb.
I am feeling pretty crappy for having relapsed.

Mechanic

**** Journal Answers ********************
?Did I use porn today?
No, not really interested.  Very Tired
?How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
I am tired.  I am going to go to sleep early tonight.
?What am I grateful for today?
    1. I am going to bed early.
    2. I am still glad I found this forum.  It is my first forum ever.
**** ************ ********************

 

[Mechanic10]

Day 10.

This is really sucks balls at this point.

I have been moody, depressed, don't feel like getting out of bed.  Unproductive at work.  Don't want to talk to anybody.

But, I haven't PMOd.

What the hell, when is this going to get better?  Feel like I am coming off herion or crack or something.

Mechanic

 

[TheGuy]

Day 8 to 12 are the hardest and the ones that most threaten a relapse in my experience.
Keep going, all those thing you are describing mean your just about over the peak of the hardest bit.  Awesome work!

 

[Mechanic10]

Day 13

Guy,
Thanks for the encouraging words!


I can't say that I want to necessarily relapse.  I do feel a overall sense of boredom though, the only real interest in P, that I could imagine, is that it might bring up my well being (even if only temporarily), but I don't have any particular craving for it.
I am NOT going to look at it.

A couple more disturbing things that I want to report out to everyone are the following symptoms:

-The depression & lack of interest in any activities has been ongoing.

-There has been food cravings, and sugar cravings especially (I don't typically like/eat sweets)

-No libido.  No erections.  Strangely, I do still want to look at sexy women in public, but I really don't want to talk to them.

-Decreased motivation, mental focus, and productivity.  Finding it very difficult to concentrate. 

-Difficult to get out of bed in the morning.

-Video game binges.

I am hopeful that this all of this will subside, and this timeline will help serve as a guide for others that are trying to quit.  It has been extremely helpful that other people have put up their "real world" symptoms. 
Knowing what is going on has helped deal with the range negative/bad feelings. 

Thanks for the support out there from you guys.  Stay strong.

Mechanic

 

[Mechanic10]

Day 13 part II

Update....
Slight mood improvement! 
I have had blue balls all day...strange.
Very encouraging overall.


Mechanic

 

[Mechanic10]

Day 16

Could actually function at work today, but still felt pretty lousy. Hateful towards people.

Saw a mad hot woman while I was a t a store with my wife.
No erection or anything, but I felt like a strong desire to get with her, lots of eye contact.

I am not really comfortable with this attraction, in light of all things, but it is my log, so I will spell it out.

Still in the lows of the reboot.

Mechanic

 

[Mechanic10]

Day 18

Feeling good that I have been made it to big day 18.
My mod is moderately better, I have been feeling strangely nostalgic.  Cried while listening to a song on the radio, feeling very sentimental.  Have been kind of moody/chummy with people.

These are strange & unusual feelings.  Also I have had bouts of feeling dismal and hopeless. 

I think I am going to be able to make it.

One thing I don't like is that I am feeling especially compelled to gawk at women bodies, more so then ever.
It is the sex addiction, no doubt. 
Also though I have intentionally looked away when I know there are some hotties I want to scope out.  I have read that addiction takes away your ability to make decisions - it bypasses your frontal brain lobe.  So it may not be much to not look only once or twice, at least I am making the choice not to look.

The closest thing I can equate this to is trying to quit smoking.  This action avoidance is incredibly consuming.

Oh yeah also despite wanting to look at women too much - I have had no sex drive, or dead dick as others have called it.  This is entirely weird.  You want to look at T&A but you are not sexually attracted to it.  It is almost like latent attraction.

Read these message boards my bros, knowing that the reboot symptoms are normal may not solve your cravings and anxieties, but it will help you understand what is happening -  which is huge.

Mechanic

 

[Mechanic10]

Day 21
Had sex today.  Didn't even really enjoy it.  Didn't even really want to do it.  That worries me a little bit.
Also went to a stripclub a couple days ago.  Didn't want to do that either but a friend talked me in to it.  Long story.  I didn't even enjoy it there.

I think I am in the flatline.  It must be.
My mood is ok.  I don't feel as nearly dismal and depressed as I have been feeling.

On a separate subject I had an accountability partner out there, his name is chiefmitch and he relapsed.  I feel for him, I hope he gets back on the horse.  I am going to need to check in on him during the next couple days.

Mechanic

 

[chiefmitch88]

Thanks for doing what an accountability partner should do Mech. I need to do a better job at reciprocating. Your support has been a great help in feeling like there is someone out there who understands. I think a support group might be a useful tool for healing but there aren't any groups near where I live that are linked with sex/pron addiction. I am unsure if AA would be worth the effort.
Beware those temptations my friend. I can guarantee from recent experience that you might feel like you are cruising along and you feel like you can beat this, you feel like it's easy. Then a couple bad days string together, life beats you up...and you fall back in. There will come a day when your will to resist those temptations isn't as strong as it needs to be. Those are the days when it's the hardest. If you can remove yourself from a situation of temptation I HIGHLY recommend it. If I had just gotten off my ass and walked out my front door, or called up a friend I would be nearly 60 days in, instead I am here back at square one.
Here's to starting my journey once more. This time I have to throw out my warm and fuzzy porn blankie and strike out with my big boy pants on. I don't need that childish pacifier when I have a beautiful and warm woman to encourage and support me when a swift kick from life knocks me down.

 

[Mechanic10]

Day 23

Complete Flatline.  Dead dick.  No intrest in women.
Very Lathargic, don't want to get out of bed in the morning.
Don't feel like working out.

Looking forward to brighter days....23 day in here.

Mechanic

 

[chiefmitch88]

Nothing abnormal Mech, just remember that it's a mark of your healing process. The energy comes back. Your brain is looking for that shot of dopamine. Just keep telling yourself to hold out. We both know we are better men when we aren't reliant on that crutch.

 

[Mechanic10]

Day 27

Holy shit, is this lousy mood ever going to end?

I am going out with people tonight, but I don't feel like it.  I just feel like laying around the house, watching tv or something.

But I suppose I am halfway.  Thanks for the support Chief.

I am really looking forward to the day that I log on here and say WOW things are great...but I just don't feel like that is going to happen....

Symptoms...nostalgic feelings, longing for better days that were, bitterness, resentful, tiredness.


Mechanic

 

[chiefmitch88]

Can you describe these better days you are having nostalgic feelings for Mech? Who are you bitter and resentful toward?

What are you going to do this evening?

Have some faith my friend, that should be easy to do because there is proof out there that life is better without porn.

 

[Mechanic10]

Well as funny as it sounds Chief I wonder what kind of life I would have had if I wasn't such a porn / sex addict.

As far as the nostalgia, that is a strong feeling that hits me from time to time.  Then it kind of fleets away.

I went out and played poker with friends.  We had a pretty good time after all.  I might have stayed out a little late, but after I got back to the house I feel strongly compelled to look at any porn or want to get off in any way.  Its getting a little easier.  We had a hanger on woman that has kind of throwing herself on us and propositioning some of us.  I was kept myself in check.

But I have heeded your warning about getting over confident, and I have been careful to keep myself in check on that respect also.  Thanks for asking.  I am going to hop over to your journal and see what you've been writing.

Oh yeah, and I hit the Gym today.  There is a positive mindset trick that I read about ina sex addicts book where you constantly ask yourself "how much better can it get?" and you sort of envision your self making positive choices.  It's first time I have been able to get to the gym since this reboot. 

29 days in broskis......
Mech

 

[chiefmitch88]

Good work Mech, its sounds like you have the fortitude to do what needs to be done. Keep it up.

 

[Mechanic10]

32 days.
Feeling pretty good about the way recovery is going.

My mood is a little better today, but not great.  Fighting off a little stress/depression from work.

But Porn Free / no urges.

Mechanic

 

[chiefmitch88]

Mech,

I understand those feelings of regret and bitterness. I often look back at all the opportunities I missed out on when I was younger. I was so blinded by my addiction that I couldn't even notice the beautiful young women right under my nose that were begging me to make a move. It took me years to realize that they were pouring the signals on thick. I think my lack of self esteem resulted in me writing off their advances as coincidental. After all, what would such a smoking hot woman want with me? I still struggle with these self-confidence issues.

I need to remind myself that, although I did miss out on some opportunities, at least I am fortunate enough to have woken up from this addiction. My Grandfather has been an alcoholic since he got out of the military and is now getting up there in age. His actions made for a terrible home for his wife and children, but that was during an era where divorce wasn't an option. He was even cheating on my Grandmother while her health deteriorated and this could've been going on for decades as far as I know. In his late 80's he is in rough shape and still clueless about the destruction he wrought upon his family with his selfish indulgence. He was a grandfather in title alone and I won't shed a tear when he's gone. It's an all-too-common tragedy in our society of addiction. I feel more sadness about the life that he wasted in the bottom of a bottle. He should've been enjoying his retirement with his grandkids. Instead, I feel like I barely knew him.

I've noticed that your cravings seem to go hand-in-hand with your nights out on the town. Drinking and gambling followed by a sexual release of some kind. I couldn't help but think of how this reminds me of the habits of smokers. In the same way that a cup of coffee and a cigarette go together. Or a good meal followed by a smoke. Any thoughts?

 

[Mechanic10]

Shit Chief - you kind of called straight on that one. 
I may as well say it.  I am in my late 30s, I enjoy a nice binge of gambling, drinking, greasy food, tobacco (cigars).  Typing it out like this is hard to do.  It is a uncomfortable look in the mirror.

I suppose porn is (was) just one dimension of narcissistic and self centered living.  I struggle with this overall, in one respect I think, hey, this is all here for our enjoyment - why not partake? 

But then on the other hand, a casual acquaintance such as yourself could recognize this.  (to which I shudder - is it that obvious?  Holy Shit.) 

I guess the kicker is, I have a lot of reinforcement from friends (as well as people I am not really friends with yet) that are like hey Mech when are we going to get together and (gamble / drink / etc.).

One other thought on this and this really fucks with me...I think if I give up all my vices I will be even more misrebale than I am now.  But I guess at some point I am going to get a straight talk from a counselor / pro to say "yeah dude - all that shit you like, is bad for your head, bad for your life, and bad for your well being.

I think I need these things to make up for my otherwise boring personality and lack of intellect.  I don't have interesting or witty things to add to the conversation, I don't give a huge hoot about our sports teams, I don't really think my career is going anywhere.  So I have resorted to being a party guy. 

On a broader sense though, I am going to kick this porn thing, THEN maybe delve in to some of my other problems.  I do think though, that porn was my drug of choice, so I am going to kill that one first, so I at least I can smile about this one.


I am going to check  you journal next time I log on.

Porn Free for a month,
Mechanic