Metanoia, a journey of faith

[Joosh]

METANOIA
A journey of faith.​

"Hey joy!
What are you like?
When you're genuine and innocent?
Free from ill intentions and the lust of strangers
Could I get to know you?
Without losing myself inside you?
Could we be like children exploring the cornfield?
Running and laughing
until we catch our breath
and the wind carries us back home."​

Welcome to my journal, stranger!

What keeps you coming back to the screen?
Locking your potential within four corners of an x-rated scene?
​

 

[Joosh]

December 8, 2018​

This last relapse made me feel miserable. I'm bordering a psychotic phase.
Self-accusing thoughts bombard my headspace. Had trouble falling asleep.
I'm hurting the people I love by not being available.
Mentally, emotionally i'm wrapped up in my own pain. There's barely the desire to socialize..
Christmas is just around the corner. Now is the time to be bold and let go of the shackles of addiction.
Overthinking this whole issue doesn't help. You either want to stop or you don't.
And I do. To experience whats beyond.

​

​

 

[Joosh]

December 9, 2018​

THE LOVE OF GOD​

Often I have wondered. Why did I develop this particular addiction? Why did I never form healthy bonds with the other sexe?
Escapism of emotional pain, yes. But why? Why did I chose to run from pain into about 10 years of addictive hell?
I spend most of my twenties in social isolation. Consuming fantasies 'till I completely lost touch with reality.
Today I realized I ran from Love. A Love that was always there for me. Not a human love. The Love of God for his children.
A Love I had tasted, but ran away from, believing I could figure life out by my own wisdom. As a result I became a slave of my own foolishness.
God endured all of my (emotional) pain and worse, in the flesh of Jesus. He carried all the sins of the world on his back as he dragged the cross towards the place where he'd be crucified at the hands of men.
With that in mind, who am I, to curse this life? To be ungrateful and waste my life's energy in bitterness and depression?
To be prideful, thinking I can overcome everything by my own power without putting my trust in the source of all life?
Without faith we have no hope of tomorrow.​

 

[Joosh]

December 10, 2018​

LUST, THE GREAT STUMBLING BLOCK​

"Whoever looks at a woman with Lust has already commited adultery with her in his Heart." - [Matthew 5:28]

If we weren't slaves of our lust, we wouldn't even take an interest in porn. For truly there is no love in these depictions of male-female interaction.
It's all about craving the physical form of another. Possessing what isn't yours, for a short period of time. Leaving one disillusioned and unsatisfied when the 'fun' is over.
Lust will never fill your hunger. On the contrary, it will only increase it tenfold turning into a ravenous appetite that is rapidly eating away at your spiritual resources.
Sometimes your eye sees something so alluringly beautiful that it fills your heart with a dark desire to have it, to own it and to devour it completely. You want it, for you and for you alone.
This is the essence of Lust. Realize that love is the opposite. Love isn't claiming. It can enjoy beauty, as in a passing butterfly, without any desire to catch it.
Seek love with your Heart.

 

[Edit_undo]

Great post! Lust really is the underlying issue. I?m convinced that overcoming lust and seeing people as people again is true recovery, everything else will fall into place. Day 4 is done, keep at it!

 

[changemylife]

Day 3

Often I have wondered. Why did I develop this particular addiction? Why did I never form healthy bonds with the other sex?
Escapism of emotional pain, yes. But why? Why did I chose to run from pain into about 10 years of addictive hell?

I spend most of my twenties in social isolation. Consuming fantasies 'till I completely lost touch with reality.

Today I realized I ran from Love. A Love that was always there for me. Not a human love. The Love of God for his children. A Love I had tasted, but ran away from, believing I could figure life out by my own wisdom. As a result I became a slave of my own foolishness.

God endured all of my (emotional) pain and worse, in the flesh of Jesus. He carried all the sins of the world on his back as he dragged the cross towards the place where he'd be crucified at the hands of men.

Who am I, to curse this life? To be ungrateful and waste my life's energy in bitterness and depression? To be prideful, thinking I can overcome everything by my own power without putting my trust in the source of all life?

Without faith we have no hope of tomorrow.

I know exactly what you mean. I used to be mad at God for my unhappiness but I did just that, ignoring Him, not looking for Him and He's always been here for me. Just like you I've spend the last few years in isolation, letting myself be a slave of my addictions without doing my duty which is trying everything to get maximum from my life. Like this, I am at the bottom, I can't continue like this, I have to do something. Peace.

 

[Joosh]

December 12, 2018​

DISSOCIATION​

Few years ago I sat fully dissociated across from a therapist who I'd told about my issues with porn and sexuality.
She suggested a good orgasm to help me get back into my body.
Great!
It's hard to find an appropriate therapist, especially when most haven't much experience with the nature of porn addiction.
For me porn was a way to dissociate from reality and the accumulated emotional pain in my body. And it did just that, perfectly.
Before porn there was gaming, which I used for the same end. To leave through a backdoor while reality was knocking at the front.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________

How often a day do we pick up the signals of our body and listen to them? Aside from when it signals the need for a shit or the next meal?
There is an intelligence to this amazing but bewildering physical complex, yet in this fast-paced stress driven society we more and more seem to forget about it.
Nowadays we're going by the bells & beeps of our 'smart'-devices. Sadly.

​

 

[changemylife]

Like in the case of many addicts, in the beginning porn was fun for me. I didn't start it as a self-medication choice. It was just fun. PMO made me feel euphoric and relaxed. I was just a teenager and I wasn't looking at me life saying "I have problems". At that time I didn't realize any problems so nobody can say I started PMO because of depression and anxiety. I started cause it was great.
But as my problems got harder, I started using PMO just like heroin. I became a slave to that relaxed state post-orgasm. As years went by, the effects of PMO didn't help me too much anymore. It wasn't enough. I wasn't relaxed enough, my depression wasn't numbed enough, my anxiety wasn't calmed enough. The orgasm got weaker and weaker as heroin junkies experience a high less and less great with time. At this point I was a junkie. Just like a heroin junkie but a porn junkie.
Right now I am a junkie just like those homeless heroin addicts who shoot heroin in abandoned buildings. Imagine a situation like that but around porn. I don't live on the street, I don't live in abandoned buildings but I feel just like that in my own room.
The thing is, the awareness about porn addiction is something new. If I told my parents about it, they would probably say something like "Okay, just stop watching porn." Well, this is true but my life has been modified so much by my (three) addictions that I actually have to completely change my life to even have a chance of quitting.
It's tightrope, man.
But, taking into the consideration your sentence about listening to our body's signal, this is actually the only thing that made me wake up and see I had a problem. I noticed the psychological symptoms I had started to have because of my addictions. I wished it happened earlier but it doesn't matter now. I can't go back in time. I have to start doing something from now on.

 

[thenickelphoenix]

Thanks for your replies and encouragement guys.

Day 6

Dissociation.

Few years ago I sat fully dissociated across from a therapist who I'd told about my issues with porn and sexuality. She suggested a good orgasm to help me get back into my body. Great.
It's hard to find an appropriate therapist, especially when most haven't much experience with the nature of porn addiction.
For me porn was a way to dissociate from reality and the accumulated emotional pain in my body. And it did just that. Perfectly.
Before porn there was gaming, which I used for the same end. To leave through a backdoor while reality was knocking at the front.

How often a day do we pick up the signals of our body and listen to them? Aside from when it signals the need for a shit or the next meal?
There is an intelligence to this amazing but bewildering physical complex, yet in this fast-paced stress driven society we more and more seem to forget about it.
Nowadays we're going by the bells & beeps of our 'smart'-devices. Sadly.

Dissociation.

Therapist was half right. A good healthy fullfilling O with a loving partner that you have a strong emotional bond with can have a very grounding live ?here in the now? effect. However, we are all at a different point in the journey, might take a while to get there.

I am definitely an introvert so I know what not having or feeling a need to socialize is like. Find yourself good productive fun group oriented hobbies that keep your hands and mind busy. This is how introverts learn how to appreciate good company, and make good positive lasting connections with people.

Keep up the fight.

Cheers

 

[Joosh]

December 18, 2018​

Truth is always there, we just don't always perceive it as such.
As chronic masturbators we are cowering away from a truth we need to own up to.
Pay close attention to what emotion triggers you to give in to the suggestive thought of watching porn.

Lust is an insatiable ego-burn that will completely consume you sooner or later. It's all about taking and not one bit about giving.
I regret every time I lust for a woman's flesh. It burns my soul.
I realize very well I can't change this desire of the carnal mind-body through my own willpower.
My heart is corrupted and it's only through the grace of God, that I can grow in Spirit, guided by his holy Spirit.

Its my desire to one day perceive life through the eyes of divine innocence again.
An innocence I lost when I first blew my mind having an orgasm.

​

 

[Joosh]

December 23, 2018​

This month is coming to an end.
Addiction is no joke. Its been so many years now.
Let's be real, all addictions revolve around some form of 'pleasure', or at least avoiding a larger pain.
Some numb people cut themselves to feel, we watch porn to numb ourselves from uncomfortable feelings.
At least I do.

Pleasure has it place and time in life and the best pleasures come after we have worked ourselves through some hard times.
Pleasure comes as a natural reward after having done what you needed to do, it's not a goal in itself.

PS: My day-count doesn't reflect the number of days I have been 'clean.'
Mistakes happen in life, yet time doesn't stop.
We change by our choices, regardless of when the last time was we watched porn. Its a continious journey.
In the end a change of heart, opening it for the love of God, is the best change one can make. Your body might become a temple for His spirit to dwell in.
Make sure His holy presence is welcome.

​

 

[Joosh]

December 28, 2018​

GRATEFUL​

Be grateful for the small pleasures of life, so you don't need to chase pleasures tail.
Have reverence for life, both within and outside of you. The energy you use isn't yours. You don't own it.
Tomorrow you might be struck by a wild fever and you'd experience how energy fades away as quickly as it came.
Masturbation is always egoistic. It's about you getting off.
At the cost of what?

There are so many great things you could do with your energy today. Even if you feel low!
Take small steps, take your time. It gets better.

Don't fight your sexual urges with willpower, instead realize the fight has already been won.
God wants to use your energy for good in this world.
All He needs to work with is your trust and faith in his eternal Truth,
and your willingness to hand over your animal nature to his guidance through Christ.

​

 

[Joosh]

January 1, 2019​

SILENCE​

The addicted monkey-mind wants to be entertained and distracted on a constant basis. Modern technology provides this.
In silence we find our inner voice amidst of all the noise coming from the 'anti-social media'.
We're in search of something 'out there' that leaves us satisfied, but we search in vain.
It's never out there, it's always right here when all voices of distraction quiet down.
In silence my heart is listening and I remember what it was like. Laying in my mum's arms, falling asleep to the muffled sound of the washing machine.
I'm taken care of, i'm provided for. Here is home. In silence I fall asleep.

​

 

[Joosh]

January 16, 2019​

Hey, i'm doing just fine at the moment.

Having a day to day plan on which you can follow-through, keeps the mind of porn, and sex in general.
Really, we're hyper-sexualized as a species nowadays and most don't even have a sense of what healthy sexuality is like.
As I was doing the dishes before a slightly perverted thought appeared in my mind.
It came wrapped in an innocent air of humor, but I recognized it's hideous nature and felt annoyed.
"Is this the mark porn leaves upon one's soul?", I pondered. The objectification of humans.
Do we truly realize how damaging indulging into the faked reality of porn is?
Do we truly think having casual sex doesn't come with a price?

Enfin, constant exposure to perversion creates a profane mind that isn't able to perceive the sacredness of life. And sexuality.
May we all find back what we gradually lost when we decided to open the door for perversion to pollute our sexual nature.

Have a blessed day.

​

 

[changemylife]

You know, I've heard some people saying that some people choose porn because they have a high libido/sexuality. It's very funny actually, cause I don't have any high libido, it's just urges. Those strong urges for watching porn are not high libido for me, they are manifestations in the brain, the addiction, the circuit that has been created long ago. Because when people stop porn, they get into the flatline where it doesn't feel anymore like a high libido with a limp dick.

Porn has brainwashed us all and we don't know what normal means anymore. I've said this already, I'm a virgin at 28 years old and I had my "sex" education at the "porn school" (joke). I don't know what normal is because all I know about sex is the porn and that's not where you should learn from. A step in my recovery also means unlearning that bullshit that I've known since 16. It's 12 years of being trained by hardcore porn.

 

[Edit_undo]

Januari 17, 2019

"Is this the mark porn leaves upon one's soul?", I pondered. The objectification of humans. Do we truly realize how damaging indulging into the faked reality of porn is?

This is truth- we never realize how damaging it is until we try to stop. For me right now this is the hardest part- appreciating people for who they are, not how they look. It?s hard to shut down those objectifying thoughts when you see people out and about because you really know nothing about them besides what you see. It?s a mental struggle to force the realization that the person you are seeing is somebody?s daughter/mother/sister and not just a pretty face for you to ogle over. For some reason guys don?t cause me any trouble, ha ha.

I don't know what normal is because all I know about sex is the porn and that's not where you should learn from. A step in my recovery also means unlearning that bullshit that I've known since 16. It's 12 years of being trained by hardcore porn.

Nailed it. Aside from stopping the PMO, forcing your brain to rewire to normal settings or abstaining from everything long enough for your brain to reset itself is the hardest part (for me, experience varies for others). This is truly a struggle of the mind.
Keep at it gentlemen.

 

[Joosh]

January 21, 2019​

What's to say, today?

I haven't had any desires to see women naked the couple last days.
At one night before bed the thought of peeking at some clips dwelled in my mind for a moment, but I was able to dismiss it.
It's not worth it and it's not the sort of usage of sexuality which God intended us to use our sexual energy for.
I want to say, the whole thing is such a 'mindfuck'. The way porn warps our perception of the other sexe, but it isn't porn, it is us.
We choose to view naked women, because we aren't able to connect with a woman on a heart-leveled basis, which takes vulnerability.
Porn obviously completely lacks this intimacy. Thus we chose it at some point because it promised us pleasure without the potential for pain.
At least so we thought. *smirk*

On another note, I realized  I have quite a low urine pressure, peeing, most of the time.
There's no doubt it's in some form related to all the excessive masturbation and addiction behavior.
In the chakra-system it is taught, the seat of sexual essences is in the underbelly, also known as the sacral chakra. It also the emotional center linked to the element water.
It only makes sense that abusing the sexual e-motion (energy in motion) leads to physical problems of all sorts in that same area.
Which alludes to another point: the emotional origins of this addiction..
Something for another post.

Stay clean guys.

​

 

[Joosh]

January 26, 2019​

FILTHY CONSCIENCE​

Drek.
No amount of shower can wash away the filth I experience within.
Debasing something most holy. Turning it into a profane habit with not much afterthought.

Well, those times are over.
I know, this dirty business has been putting a shell over our eyes rendering us unable to stand and walk in the presence of God without experiencing a terrible shame.

Yes, the loss of innocence is gut-wrenching.
Good luck being your own God now.
Figuring out what's good and what's bad all by your mighty Self and bearing all divine responsibility.

Can you come eye to eye with your mother after you've watched some chick being anal-banged?
Can you give the woman who birthed you into this world a heartfelt embrace when the images of last nights porn quest flash in front of your mind's eye?

This isn't just about us.
As sex-addicts we're the archetypal lovers who fell victim to our own lust, but the whole world is undergoing a debasement of the mind through sexual sin.
And as it always has been, the works of the flesh carve a path of destruction.

Sayonara.
​

 

[Joosh]

January 28, 2019​

THE PITY OF PRIDE​

Hey, Mr. Know It All
Where's your wisdom now?
When loves forsaken you,
and you still don't bow.
What is it, you protect
with ice-cold intellect?
You search for pleasure in pain
Mr. Dance in the Rain.
Your pride is a pity,
you play your part like a King
who subjects his servants
while Himself he's observant to Sin
Who's the burglar within?
That thief in the Night,
stealing the gist of your dreams
through a paralyzed fright.
It's a quiet burn,
but nevertheless
It hurts as the silence
that can not express.
Where's the giggle, the laugh?
Mr. Whisp in the Dark
I miss the spark in your eyes
Beautiful Innocent Heart
under the scars of Divide.
Mr. Larger than Life
It's time...
to depart from your Pride.
​

 

[Joosh]

February 9, 2019​

LEARN & GROW​

Rather than seeing it as the curse it often feels like, it might be smart to change perspectives a bit.
Yes, porn has damaged us a great deal, both physically as spiritually.
We jumped into something we had no idea how it would change us.
The rise of the digital realm came with unprecedented possibilities taking our imagination for a ride.
We payed for our youthful foolishness and as recovering porn devotees we still suffer the consequences.
It's showing not to be easy to rewire to a healthy condition especially in a world in which our impulses are being manipulated on a regular basis.

Sometimes in life one has to take several steps back before heading on forward.
Slow down, get a good perspective on things.
We all have a responsibility to bear and as former lust junkies we understand very well how damaging porn is to mind/spirit, body and soul.
Who is going to pass this messages on to the upcoming generations, if not us?
We can outgrow this mistake of digital history, develop a healthy neurological wire-work and become the pioneers of a new approach to life in (cyber)space.
As a matter of fact, we already are.

No need for rushing this individual process.
Take your time, be aware of the task at hand, cultivate your impulses and be bold in your stance against degeneration.
May God lead us in growth.

​