Worried

[SickOfIt]

Hello everyone,

So my husband is deployed right now. He has been gone for over 6 months, came to see us for a month and he is gone for another 5 months. When he was home, our sex wasn't the greatest, when we did it I felt like he was disconnected. He said it is because of his new keto diet. Which for me whas a bit odd. A guy who havent had sex for 6 months suddenly doesn't care for it? I thought perhaps it was because he got fat or just getting old. We have been married for 9 years and he stopped watching porn since 2014. I snooped around on his phone and his computer but couldn't find anything other than deleted mp4 file that said explicit and it made me  think perhaps it is a song..I am not good with computers like he is. I know he downloaded movies and tv shows because he is bored but it got me thinking what else he downloads. I  know that some of guys in his work share movies and he did admit that he saw porn on one of the drives but he watched few second and turned off. . But lately, I have this feeling that he is back to watching and everytime I ask him he denies. I don't know what to do anymore.  Am I overacting? What should I do? I don't want to make him feel like I don't trust him because I do, thought we did good but after talking to him for few days he started to get all pissy how he doesn't get full data and gets easily annoying with me. We have never done a year apart so I thought perhaps all this anger it is from being away from each other but as I am noticing more and more same behaviour  when he watched porn 4 years ago. I don't know, any advice would be great. I don't how to talk to him, should I write him an email? Honestly I don't want to know because it is going to be over with my marriage. He knows that this time I'm not staying with him.

 

[bob]

I am sorry to say that I believe you are correct.

I would encourage you to find someone to talk to face to face. You shouldn't have to take this on yourself. You will need support in dealing with this, however it turns out.

My heart is with you during this difficult time.

Peace

 

[clfb]

I?m so sorry to hear about your situation.  My experience is to trust your gut feeling.  Not trusting mine (or, rather, believing clever and sincere lies) cost me years of discovering the truth.  Since your husband is deployed, you are in a much more difficult situation.  Did you check his browser history when you looked at his devices?  When he gets back, that?s a quick and easy check.  If there is nothing there, or just a day or two?s-worth, you know he cleared it to hide whatever was there.

If your red line in the sand is to leave him if he has relapsed, then that is what you must be prepared to do.  We all have our limits (since my lying, cheating, sex- and porn-addicted BFF of four years who travels for months at a time had unprotected sex with hookers and old girlfriends, I could deal with a porn relapse (as long as he remains in counseling)...but never anything physical or ?personal,? such as live web cam sex).

But, you just really want the truth right now.  Hard, cold, and unvarnished.  Since I have no truth serum to sell you, my advice would be to write an email expressing your concern.  Try your best to not sound accusatory or spiteful.  Just tell him how you feel.  Tell him how much you love him, but that something is wrong in your relationship, and that from your perspective, he is displaying some of the same behaviors he did back when he was using porn.  Ask if he is willing to join you in marriage counseling when he gets back.  If he is not, then, you have your answer and you can start packing.  If he is, then find a counselor who is also experienced treating porn addiction and have an appointment scheduled before he gets back for just you (to discuss your concerns), and one for him/both of you (whatever the counselor wants) when he gets back.  Skilled counselors can cut thru the lies and BS to the truth right away. 

But, if the counseling angle does not appeal to you (especially if you?d leave him rather than stay and work thru his issues with a therapist), write to him, again like before, and for the bottom line this time, just ask for the truth.  If he knows you will leave if he has been using porn, he will probably lie out of self-preservation.  What does he have to lose, right?  After he replies, if he has denied using porn, thank him for his response.  Then, tell him that for your peace of mind, you will arrange for him to undergo a polygraph examination when he gets back.  If he has been telling you the truth, and wants to preserve the marriage, he shouldn?t mind, especially given his past.  If not, he will mind very much, and/or, come clean.  Polygraphs are used all the time to verify a variety of abstinence, so you should have no problem finding a licensed polygrapher to conduct one. 

Those are the only ideas I can come up with to get to the truth.  I think your fears are probably warranted and he is using again, but I know you want to be sure he is before you leave a 9-year marriage.

Good luck!

 

[aquarius25]

First I want to say I am sorry for your situation and your hurt. It just really sucks. Second, the fact that you both have worked through porn addiction before shows that you can bring it up and he knows that it is a boundary in your relationship. One thing I want to caution is to be sure you are comfortable with the boundaries before you draw red lines in the sand. The bigger issue is about communication and connection. You can tell him that this is how you are feeling and if he would be willing to go to counseling together would help. Maybe even ask if you could send him a few books he could read and you can read the same books and you can write each other on your thoughts about each chapter. Like a long distance sort of working though a book. Sometimes having the distance allows you the freedom to really analyze your feeling and process them a bit before you communicate. I know for myself when I don't get space I sometimes end up letting my emotions get the best of me and I say things I don't really mean, lol.

The main point is this... is he willing and invested in this marriage to do whatever it is that you need to feel safe and secure in this relationship? If not than weather he is viewing porn or not is not the biggest problem. We all need to be able to feel safe and secure. It doesn't happen over night, but is he willing to do the work to try? I would be hesitant to draw a line of if you view porn I leave in my marriage. After understanding the way addiction works and knowing that relapse can happen my boundary currently is "if you  view porn but I can see you are still genuinely trying and willing to do whatever it takes to get healthy and for me to feel safe and secure than I will not leave but he needs to sleep on the couch until I feel safe. He needs to communicate daily about the status of his addiction and he needs to have a plan written out on how he is going to become healthy."


My perspective is that we are all imperfect and if I don't have room in my boundaries for grace than I shouldn't expect any in return and that isn't a relationship I want to be in. If you love him you want to see him healthy as well as he should want to see you healthy. In marriage, usually at some point both of you are going to screw up. Weather big screws up or small if you are committed there needs to be a path for healing but only if both parties are communicating and wanting to see the relationship healthy, if not then it is not a healthy relationship to be in.

 

[Devastated]

Hi there

I?m a newbie and have on here for a little while now trying to understand PA.  I will share my story
But can I ask what is the live web cam crap all about?  I recently discovered this a couple of months ago and it had been going on since 2015.. not sure for how long.. I have been married for over 20 years to my hubby and it?s been in our lives the whole time.  I was never able to stop it.. just recently he has started to come clean (only because I?ve always been guided to find this crap the web cam)  I have massive trust issues.  I?m suffering from betrayal trauma.  I have so many triggers it?s not funny and I?m so hurt!! The pain is horrible.  I?m waiting to get into a therapist, hopefully soon but I joined here because I have no one to talk to about this..

Please can someone help me

 

[J01]

Hi Dev!  I don't have experience with webcams but I think I can safely say that it is an escalation of "vanilla" porn use.  Hopefully those more experienced and knowledgable than me can weigh in with their insights.  You are doing the right thing to seek help and I hope you can convince your husband to join this site for help and education as well.  It would be a good starting point for him or anyone else.  Take care