True thoughts--thanks for sharing! It's definitely a frustrating thing because it's like a counterfeit of what I really want that also prevents me from finding the kind of relationship I hope for. Some days, I worry that having had a porn problem will always be a deal-breaker. I get at some level that that isn't probably true, but I sometimes wonder how I could ever even hope to establish a healthy relationship someday. (Or how anyone would be willing to take a risk on a person who's had the problem I've had.)
Oh well, that's a problem for another day. Speaking of frustrating, it's been a disappointing weekend. my addicted brain dragged me towards porn all night last night and for most of the day today. I didn't sleep, and I didn't accomplish as much today as I'd hoped. I just spent the time in a sort of fog looking up porn and and also trying to not look at it/pull myself away from it.
It's like a weird game where I try to get as close to porn (meaning explicit nudity and sexual acts) without actually getting there. I don't think the "less-hard" stuff is any better, but I really don't want to go back that to explicit stuff. Anyhow, needless to say, it's felt more like failure than success the last few days, but it seems like things have finally settled down and I'm closer to being in my right mind now.
I finally figured out today how to get OpenDNS running on my devices. I used to have it, and it was helpful, but my current modem is incompatible with it. But I learned it can be installed on a device-by-device basis instead, so things are locked down. I've really and truly decimated my access to anything even remotely pornographic today, which should be a step in the right direction.
I feel a little beaten down, but tomorrow is another day, and my internet is much more secure than it's been.