I can do better in 2020

[brandnewself]

Thank you for the kind words BlueHeronFan.
Unfortunately I did relapse in the evening. There was this cute exchange student that I like a lot but she has a boyfriend. After meeting with her yesterday I felt a bit down. I guess this and the stress of the exams led to the relapse. I was really close to just going to bed but I made the wrong decision in the end.
And I gotta admit that I relapsed again in the morning. The chaser effect gets me every time.
Now I need to clear my mind and think how to prevent the next relapse.
What I did right in the past few days was studying with friends and having a relatively regular schedule. I was also actively looking for help under cravings.
However my emotional instability coupled with the exam just made me turn to porn again. This is really tricky because I can't just convince myself that the exam is not important and I can't control how I feel about girls.
What I can do is to be mindful about it, I guess after all I need to practice meditation seriously. During the day I was mindful about my cravings and I didn't give in. In the evening I just led my feelings control me although I could've applied the same principle here. I didn't have many cravings to be honest but I just wanted to feel better and I went to the only solution I had.
If I can reinforce one technique at a time, I will have a lot of tools to battle this addiction. Now I just want to practice this mindfulness whenever I feel stressed, anxious, sad, angry or cravings. I'll also update here how well I do in this regard.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Definitely! Sorry to hear  you relapsed, but glad that you're already learning from it and making plans for the future. You're doing a lot of things right, so don't give up on them just because of a bump in the road. I know I always need that reminder: slipping up does not mean I've been on the wrong track, just that I'm not to the end of the road yet.

Tomorrow's a new day, and you're making real progress. 2019 has barely begun, so there's still plenty of time to make it our year.

 

[brandnewself]

I feel really bad that I didn't come to the forum and post anything in the past 20 days. It was quite a disaster. I kept relapsing and basically lost all my progress. Yesterday I binged four times!! Now I'm super stressed and I feel stuck again.
I just tried to meditate for 10 min, it helped a bit.
PMO makes me feel like I'm a hypocrite by doing what I promised not to do.

 

[blueRaccoon]

I'm glad you can back to the forum. We started this journey on the same day and I was looking forward to listening to your updates.
Don't worry about the relapses much, things would get all right you just have to gain the balance and march ahead with momentum. Porn addiction is a constant struggle with the animal part and more ration part of our brains. Our rational brain makes us commit to the right things but as we have given more priority to our animal brain during the addiction, we do not always follow what our rational brain says and the reboot is all about listening and following rational brain. It's okay that you feel hypocrite (we all do) but don't confuse your addiction with your true self if it wasn't for your addiction it would be much easier to stay true to your words.
Also feeling all bad about the relapse is our brain's way to trick ourselves in giving in to the feelings of guilt which cause further relapses, feeling bad also makes you think that you don't want this and you'll do something about it. If you really do something about it, then the cycle starts to break and if you don't it keeps on repeating itself. Identify this cycle and break out of it.
Stay strong brother, we are all in this together and we will get through it.

 

[brandnewself]

Thank you blueRaccoon for the kind words and support!
Learning to be mindful about my thoughts is crucial right now. I can't indulge in my thoughts anymore as it obviously does me no good.
Tomorrow I will meet with my professor to discuss about my research, something I've been really stressed about for a while as I have no idea how to do it. I know it's not supposed to be that hard for a master's degree because so many people have done it but I just feel really uncomfortable to research on something independently (even with the help of my professor). These passive thoughts are the killer of my happiness and I somehow can't get over it. I guess mostly it's because I'm used to cramming before exams and I never learned how to study properly on the long run.
I will meditate a bit, eat something and then go to bed now.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Sorry to hear you hit a rough patch, but it's good that you're back here. We're stronger together, I truly believe that.

I know what you mean about research being stressful. I'm in the middle of figuring out my own research project(s) for school, and it can really cause anxiety. Just remember, you wouldn't be in that program if they didn't think you'd be successful--it's possible that your professor has more confidence in you than you do. You got this!

 

[brandnewself]

Thanks BlueHeronFan, indeed after talking with my professor I feel much more relieved. It's clear to me what I need to do now.
Yesterday, I told my roommate about my porn addiction. I was hesitant if I should tell him but eventually I did. We talked about it for like 90 min and he understood my issues. He gave me some suggestions such as focusing on one problem at a time and maybe I should seek psychological help. Now that I have him by my side, it would be easier to deal with cravings because I could simply talk to him about it. But I'm still not sure if I should tell my parents about it, because first they don't necessarily understand this issue and second I don't want to burden them with it. Since I'm studying abroad anyway they don't really need to know.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Good to hear!

It can be tough to decide who needs to know. I haven't told my parents, probably for similar reasons to yours. But I have confided in extended family and in church leaders. It's important to have someone to talk to, someone who can be around to help strengthen you. But deciding who those people will be is probably up to you.

Good luck with your continuing studies! It's a busy time of year for me at school, but I signed up for it--so I guess I shouldn't complain!

 

[brandnewself]

Thank you BlueHeronFan, it's been 9 days since I told my roommate and other friends about my addiction and I think it was a great decision that I made. Several times that I had cravings, I would just leave my phone and laptop in my roommate's room or do some chores (cleaning or cooking for both of us).
I also tried to start going out more often. Two days ago my friends and I went to another city to party, it was really fun and I also got to talk to a girl there. I noticed she was looking over at me quite often at the entrance to the club. After we got inside, while I was thinking about talking to her, she came to me and started the conversation. Although it turns out she is much older than me but it was a nice experience. I want to practice approaching and talking with girls more from now on so I'll get used to it. Eventually I need to train myself to appreciate real life girls rather then pixels.
Next week I'll also have a short weekend trip with some friends and I'm looking forward to it.
Regarding research, I still procrastinate a lot. I think I need to write down my plan before starting, or else I would be stressed.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

That's all great! I've been reading about how overcoming addiction is really about becoming a healthier person overall, and it sounds like you're definitely working on that.

I'm also trying to figure out how to plan and work more effectively with less distractions and procrastination. Let me know if you figure something out that's really helpful (and I'll do the same)!

 

[Do or die]

We are fighting with cycle of this addiction.
So we need to weeken the pathways of this addiction in our brain.
So don't be so sad after relapse. Keep in mind that every 10-12 days reboot making the pathways week.

 

[brandnewself]

Thanks Do or die!

Haven't posted here for a while. I've been checking the forum daily but didn't feel like writing here because I found out that sometimes writing here can have reverse effect. Like sometimes if I write here I feel motivated and I'm determined to beat this addiction this time, my subconscious mind would trick me to sabotage myself later somehow...

Now I'm just doing a check-in and want to remind myself that I'm walking on thin ice daily and I should never let my guards down. I was looking for costume for a costume party today and I got triggered by some costumes in the shop so I need to be cautious today.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Hey, you do what you need to do--we're all on similar but unique paths. It's good to hear from you, but it's also good that you're aware of how posting does or doesn't affect you.

Just keep going. We're only really done for when we give up

 

[brandnewself]

Hi BlueHeronFan, thank you for replying here often. It's great to see you as well. I believe it's called moral licensing which describes the phenomenon that people tend to allow themselves to do something bad after doing something good first. This doesn't affect me much when I'm determined to not watch porn, but once I got a solid streak going on I tend to forget all the shit porn used to do to me and go right back to it.
I can see the benefits of PMO free now after 21 days. For example, I don't have these little depression episodes after drinking or a busy day. I might feel tired but it's totally physical exhaustion.  Before whenever I feel tired I would fall depressed and feel hopeless. I also cut alcohol and coffee significantly. I try to not drink alcohol during the week unless it's a holiday and I have to hang out with friends. I'm also drinking only one coffee a day.
I still need to do better regarding my research though because I'm not so into it. Yesterday I met with my professor and he told me to start reading a book and he set too high of a standard for me. I was relieved to hear it to be honest, now I don't have this pressure of not living up to his expectation.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Sure thing! Replying helps me too.

I know what you mean about moral licensing. I have heard of that before, and I know I definitely let the little things slip more easily when I have a longer streak going. Stay strong, my friend!

Also good to hear that your professor realized he was being to intense. Keep at it! I have an important meeting with some professors tomorrow that I'm a little nervous about, but it's all part of the process. And just think, before we know it, we'll be healthier and graduated!

 

[brandnewself]

More than one month since I posted here.
I managed to go almost 30 days in March and then ran right back to porn and was unable to stop the bad cycle since then. I started running from reality again and barely did anything regarding my studies. Every day I felt anxious and ashamed of myself. I feel like I lost hope again and I'm scared that I won't ever get out of this. Not having a girlfriend is one thing, but not functioning at all in my daily life is devastating. I'm living abroad and I should talk to my parents often because they miss me, but I barely call them because I feel guilty. They sent me abroad to study in university and to learn how to live independently. I pretty much failed both. I'm not studying well and I'm just wasting their money on alcohol and fun instead of on working on myself and building a better future. Also I feel ashamed whenever my professor asks me if I'm making progress. I wouldn't feel so bad if he is an asshole or I'm just too stupid to do it. On the contrary, he is really patient and helped me a lot. I simply didn't do what I had to do. I'm sick of the life porn has me live in.
Porn is ruining my life because it goes against everything I wanted myself to be. It makes me depressed, anxious and hate myself. It causes me to hurt people that I care about. Even worse, it brainwashes me to always have instant pleasures without having to work for it. Porn is my drug and I overdosed.

 

[J01]

In fact maybe you have indeed gained more "education" from your living abroad experience than you think.  You have learned that we often deceive friends and family (in addition to ourselves) and waste opportunities.  The good side is that you have personal awareness and that puts you way ahead of the game.  As for now, on the academic side, salvage what you can and finish hard.  Sometimes these semester abroad programs are a little lighter anyway.  Don't blow this out of proportion but don't forget it either-yes, you screwed up, but it is not the end of the story.

All your parents care about is that you are safe and enjoying yourself.  Just a picture and a short message here and there is worth a gold mine to them.  You don't have to have a two hour call.  But, don't blow them off, give them some stuff, even if it is just a short "hello I'm with A in B doing C " type of message.  I myself had good decent parents, but some people didn't-honor them my friend.

You can recover from this; believe me, I know all about this type of deal.  But get to work on it today-now!






         

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Hey, glad to see you're back, but I'm sorry to hear things have been so rough lately.

The life of porn is not a good life, you know it. I know it. We all know it. But the good thing is that porn doesn't have define our lives forever. The important thing is that we don't give up.

I've heard before that there is a difference between guilt and shame. Guilt makes us feel bad so that we try to do better in the future. Shame makes us feel bad and makes us feel like it isn't worth trying to get better because we've already messed up too much. On some level, it sounds like you're dealing more with shame than with guilt: your bad feelings are pushing you lower rather than higher.

One of the things that porn does is it isolates us, cuts us off from other people, mostly by making us feel like we aren't worthy of them. But that's not true. Of course you're worthy of being connected to the people around you and the people who care about you. Forget the idea that people would like you less if they only knew about your addiction. In my experience, people who find out about my addiction somehow respect me more for dealing with something like this and not giving up.

I'm writing too much: I don't want this to seem like I'm lecturing you. Mostly, I just want you to know that we're here for you and that porn is garbage, but we can beat it one step at a time.

 

[brandnewself]

I'm sitting in my room, trying to type something that I want to say. Nothing. My head feels like an empty ball. Things really got out of hand. I've been binging on porn for a whole month now, EVERY SINGLE DAY. I've reached a point where I'm indifferent to my situation now. I know I want to quit but I don't feel it. I remember a few years back, every time I relapse I would feel bad about it and try to quit again. Although I never succeeded for good, I could go for 30, 40 days without porn. I was determined and hopeful. Now I'm totally lost, I can't feel anything. I feel nothing when I listen to music. I have no interest in almost anything. Not curious about anything in life. My mind is always elsewhere. How can I keep going like this? I'm not suicidal, I'm not even depressed but I genuinely feel nothing. Is it my brain's safe mechanism? To just shut down my feelings? It's probably just too much porn. The rewarding system in my body is ruined. Simple as that.
Maybe it's not that bad. Maybe it will be fine if I learn to cope with it. But how? I failed so many times already. How can I expect something different this time?

 

[Lero]

Coincidentally, I had an episode like this yesterday: "Can I actually do this and quit P for good?" Sometimes we are confused. We try but things don't seem to go well. This is where we get lost and question our ability to fight this poison. I've been binging a lot this last month (I started this new attempt on May 18 and in 4 days it's going to be a month), not every single day, with 4-5 days in between. The thing, I've been repeating the same mistakes. I knew what to do but, for some reason, I kept failing in the same way. I asked myself: "What the fuck is going on? I know what to do but why I don't do it?" This is where I started questioning myself and if I could actually do it.

If you binge everyday, PMO is like a painkiller, it numbs you and it makes you feel nothing. I've been there and I know what it's like. After a binge, at the end of the day I feel numb. I binged everyday for years until I learned about P addiction and started my years long fight. Yes, it's been years, and I've always had moments when I questioned my ability to actually quit this. After years, it really feels like I could die like this. I'm not saying I will die like this, but it feels like this. So the idea is: It's normal to feel numb when you binge on P everyday. Everybody should experience this. You numb your dopamine receptors.

Now, about what to do... The only thing that gives me hope is following the plan. In the past, I never really had a plan. All I wanted was to go without P forever, I relapsed, binged and reset back to day 1. But now I actually do have a plan. That's why I've considered May 18 as the first day of this "new attempt", new attempt because I started with a plan. I've learned a lot about myself in those years and I've learned a lot from people's advice around the Internet. I finally told myself that I had a plan and started following it. Like this, I could avoid beating myself up and getting super depressed, desperate and miserable after relapses. A mind in this state is a good facilitator for P addiction going out of control. I've learned that there is nothing good in thinking like that. It's normal to feel down after a relapse. People feel down sometimes but it's not a good idea to go lower than this and feel miserable and depressed. You must not allow yourself to reach that place because, if you are like this, you will never beat this addiction. If you relapsed and feel down, that's all right. Spend some time thinking about what made you fail. Write it down if you need to and start again tomorrow. If you only allow yourself to feel down and not super depressed, starting again tomorrow will feel normal. I felt down yesterday but today I'm back at it and I feel all right. I'm not happy or anything but I don't feel miserable about it. We have to trust the plan and follow it because only the plan will save us. We won't get anywhere without a plan but the plan might not work flawlessly all the time. However, the plan is still going. This is the only way to feel hope, by trusting the plan. Then you read other people's journals and see they've been through the same things but now their streak is in double digits which only reassures us that it's possible. It's not impossible to quit P, that's the truth.

Anyway, man, I don't know what I've been doing with this text, maybe it's a bit of rambling.