I can do better in 2020

[BlueHeronFan]

Hey man! Porn really is like a painkiller. I know I've always used it to dull my feelings when things got stressful or disappointing. My worst binges have always come when I have felt hopeless about the future. With porn, I could switch off those feelings and disappear into the false pleasure of PMO.

Plus, in the last few months, I've been working really hard at recovery, but in the stress of school and life and everything else, I have been feeling numb, even without PMO. One of the things I have been learning about myself is that I can do the right thing even when I don't feel like it. You may not feel like fighting this addiction emotionally, but you can fight it intellectually. You know what you need to do, but it might take pushing past some feelings (or non-feelings) in order to do it.

I'm really sorry to hear this past month has been out of control for you. Progress isn't linear, but, no matter how hard it gets, you're only done for if you give up. There's a lot of 2019 left: it could still be the year to make a big step towards beating this! And we'll be here with you every step of the way!

 

[Lero]

Hey man! Porn really is like a painkiller. I know I've always used it to dull my feelings when things got stressful or disappointing. My worst binges have always come when I have felt hopeless about the future. With porn, I could switch off those feelings and disappear into the false pleasure of PMO. 

Yes, this is an important step: Understanding that we might be one of those people who use PMO like a "painkiller". I've always said that it acts somehow like heroin. You know, relaxing feeling, euphoria? People say the same about heroin. One day I told myself: "Man, this shit is like heroin. I'm using it in the same way people use heroin, for self-medication." About the future, I asked someone the same thing: "How could I know what to do best for my future?" The idea is, we don't know the future, it's just a concept. We have only present and past. The present is what we live now, the past happened and can't be changed (that's what some people have to understand: Crying about the past won't change it). The best thing we can do is trying to do the best things today. And like this, everyday trying to do what's best for us, we will get to a place that we envisioned before. We know what we want to become but only doing things everyday we can realize it, you know what I'm saying? Now, if you don't know what you want to become, this is a problem. You have to look inside you and discover it. Because, without a vision, you don't grow to much. You might even go nowhere. I look at some people, they are in the same place. They haven't evolved too much (spiritually, intellectually, in career etc. whatever you want to call it), because they've never really done anything, just passing the days. I'm not like that and I'd hate to live like that.

Plus, in the last few months, I've been working really hard at recovery, but in the stress of school and life and everything else, I have been feeling numb, even without PMO. One of the things I have been learning about myself is that I can do the right thing even when I don't feel like it. You may not feel like fighting this addiction emotionally, but you can fight it intellectually. You know what you need to do, but it might take pushing past some feelings (or non-feelings) in order to do it.

Even if it sucks, feeling down sometimes, feeling overwhelmed, numb whatever it's natural, at the end of the day. People feel like this sometimes. And, at the same time, people have the duty to deal with it without self-medication. No alcohol, drugs, video games, P etc. to deal with life. That's what we need. We are here trying to do that.

 

[brandnewself]

Coincidentally, I had an episode like this yesterday: "Can I actually do this and quit P for good?" Sometimes we are confused. We try but things don't seem to go well. This is where we get lost and question our ability to fight this poison...

Hey Lero, thanks for your reply. I understand what you mean by making a plan. For me, the biggest issue has always been not following it through. I would make a plan and stick to it for a few days and then just completely forget about it. I tried it so many times already and I still haven't learned the right way to do it. Some people say you should have everything planned in advance and make the plan systematically. Some people say you should focus on one thing at a time and don't expect to change much all at once. I guess both are correct but we need to find what works the best for us personally. I personally tend to overthink a lot and always try to find out the "perfect" plan. It never worked out well. The funny thing is, although I know I have this problem intellectually, I couldn't help myself but to do it over and over. This is where my helplessness comes from. I simply don't know what to do anymore.

One of the things I have been learning about myself is that I can do the right thing even when I don't feel like it. You may not feel like fighting this addiction emotionally, but you can fight it intellectually. You know what you need to do, but it might take pushing past some feelings (or non-feelings) in order to do it.

Great insight you got here BlueHeronFan! This is one of the things I need to work on. I always find myself trapped into my feelings and unable to get out. I'm really happy that you could manage to do this because it's truly impressive. This is also the core reason behind procrastination and a lot of my problems. I will try my best.
Right now I'm sitting in the library and trying to write something I need to submit, but I'm procrastinating again so I decided to come to the forum to change up my mind a bit. I'll write down some simple goals for today and hopefully it will help me get something done at least.

 

[Lero]

Coincidentally, I had an episode like this yesterday: "Can I actually do this and quit P for good?" Sometimes we are confused. We try but things don't seem to go well. This is where we get lost and question our ability to fight this poison...

Hey Lero, thanks for your reply. I understand what you mean by making a plan. For me, the biggest issue has always been not following it through. I would make a plan and stick to it for a few days and then just completely forget about it. I tried it so many times already and I still haven't learned the right way to do it. Some people say you should have everything planned in advance and make the plan systematically. Some people say you should focus on one thing at a time and don't expect to change much all at once. I guess both are correct but we need to find what works the best for us personally. I personally tend to overthink a lot and always try to find out the "perfect" plan. It never worked out well. The funny thing is, although I know I have this problem intellectually, I couldn't help myself but to do it over and over. This is where my helplessness comes from. I simply don't know what to do anymore.

Yeah, I know how this works. In the past, I didn't really have a plan. I would read some things then think I knew what to do only to fail and question if I actually knew what to do. I think so too that we need to find the right way that works for us for recovery. In my case, I got new hope and new vision after putting a plan on paper. It helps me see that I'm going somewhere and all the failures are not in vain, because this is a long term plan and it won't always work flawlessly. Of course, the plan could not be complete from the start, hence the long term vision where I will adjust stuff, add stuff and discard what doesn't work. It's like some obstacles that I have to jump over but the road leads all the way to the recovery despise the obstacles. However, sometimes it might be too soon to come to conclusions. I've been following this plan for a month with little success but every steps moves you forward. My problems was that I knew what to do but, for some reason, I still fucked up. This is what I have to figure out. And for you, if you lose your interest in the plan after a few days, you have to find a way to stick to it. We have to become friends with the plan. I don't see how someone could really do this without a plan. I know from experience than fucking around made me end up a few years after that in the same fucking place. That's when I had to put a plan on paper and join this place.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

I'll write down some simple goals for today and hopefully it will help me get something done at least.

That's a great idea! I've gotten out of the habit of writing down little goals for each day, but I need to get back at it. Have for a plan for each day has been super helpful for my recovery and also for just getting things done and being productive.

 

[brandnewself]

My brain is really fogged. I want to say many things but I'm unable to express them clearly. I guess I will just mumble whatever comes to my mind. It's been years since I started rebooting and it's not going well. Somehow I'm making it worse. The older I am, the more lost I am. At least a few years ago I was motivated to change. Now I feel like a dead person. I have no goals, I have no plan, I have no self discipline. Deep inside, I don't believe that I could achieve anything. What's even worse is I don't even want to achieve anything. This is how numb I am right now. Yesterday I was at a goodbye party of a friend of mine. A lot of people I know were there and I could see that they liked me around. Regardless, I don't feel worthy of love or even attention. I could behave as normal as I can and I know I'm doing a pretty good job. Everyone thinks I'm social and happy. Only I know how fucked up I am inside. Maybe some of my close friends also know because I told them. I can't believe how big an impact porn could have on my life. It's a huge pile of shit that I'm in. It stinks and it's suffocating. I remember when I was 16, I really liked who I was. I also had a great picture about what my future would look like. It's all gone now. How did I end up here? I never intended to be here.
I'm not suicidal in any way. I don't have depression either. I have a porn addiction though.

 

[Kraken]

My brain is really fogged. I want to say many things but I'm unable to express them clearly. I guess I will just mumble whatever comes to my mind. It's been years since I started rebooting and it's not going well. Somehow I'm making it worse. The older I am, the more lost I am. At least a few years ago I was motivated to change. Now I feel like a dead person. I have no goals, I have no plan, I have no self discipline. Deep inside, I don't believe that I could achieve anything. What's even worse is I don't even want to achieve anything. This is how numb I am right now. Yesterday I was at a goodbye party of a friend of mine. A lot of people I know were there and I could see that they liked me around. Regardless, I don't feel worthy of love or even attention. I could behave as normal as I can and I know I'm doing a pretty good job. Everyone thinks I'm social and happy. Only I know how fucked up I am inside. Maybe some of my close friends also know because I told them. I can't believe how big an impact porn could have on my life. It's a huge pile of shit that I'm in. It stinks and it's suffocating. I remember when I was 16, I really liked who I was. I also had a great picture about what my future would look like. It's all gone now. How did I end up here? I never intended to be here.
I'm not suicidal in any way. I don't have depression either. I have a porn addiction though.

I find as I get distance from pmo my motivation and drive to do other things returns.  Keep going on the reboot!  You can do it

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Hey, man, I don't want to minimize what you're feeling, but there's no shaming in having your recovery take time.

I feel like I'm doing pretty okay right now: I've been clean for a while, and I'm starting to develop a healthier self-image. But it's also been 10 years since the first time I started the journey of recovery. This stuff takes time, and the only way to recover is one day at a time. The important thing is to keep trying and to stay committed to recovery even when there are bumps in the road.

We're all here for you. Sorry things are rough, but they will get better, and we're here to help along the way!

 

[brandnewself]

Thank you guys!
Yeah I also believe that motivation will come back as I move away from PMO. But it takes a lot of dedication and time to get to that point.
Today I was quite focused in the library. I genuinely felt good when I was working on my studies. In the evening, I played a bit of mobile game and I felt guilty as I wanted to push myself to study more. This over-expectation of myself has also been a problem in my life. I know it and I need to somehow make peace with myself even when I'm not being productive. Shaming myself is not going to get anything done.

 

[brandnewself]

I had a birthday party yesterday and it was better than I expected. A lot of my friends came, around 30 people in total. I drank so much and apparently at some point I told my friend that I'm a big loser and he tried to comfort me. I didn't remember much of it and I was shocked this morning when he told me that. I guess I'm just deeply unsatisfied with myself subconsciously that I said it when I was drunk. My friend and I talked about this and he told me that I have to figure out a way to solve my issues. He is right. I'm responsible for myself and I need to find a solution.
I have a few free days now so I will make use of it. Tomorrow morning I will write a vision for myself and write down a plan for the next few days.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

That sounds like a good plan! I definitely think it's valuable to sit down and figure out what you really want in life. I don't know that you'll figure it out all at once (I've been working on it for a long time), but it is important to find some sense of purpose and to commit to doing things that help you feel like you're making progress and becoming your best self.

Pay attention to activities that you find fulfilling and enjoyable.

 

[brandnewself]

Day 1 again.
Last reboot went on for 2 weeks. I'm on vacation and I was genuinely happy until I got caught in this "not doing anything" trap again and felt I needed a kick.
There are three types of cravings for me. 1. Feeling super horny and feeling all the blood down there. 2. Feeling like fapping but the feeling is not too strong (usually happens after relapses, chaser effect) 3. Not feeling horny at all, simply bored and empty inside and having nothing to do, then I would go for porn.

Surprisingly (Or not), the first type of craving is the easiest to get over with. I feel more determined to battle against this kind of feeling and could win at least 50/50. However, second and third are really hard for me. There isn't much to talk about chaser effect as it's quite natural. But the third one is the one I have to address as it's the one that kills my streak all the time. I could go on for a nice 20 days before giving in to this kind of craving. It would start with restlessness, and then binging on youtube and sometimes more extreme videos like car accidents or violence and eventually porn. It's my perfect recipe for relapse.

I'm not only addicted to porn but also all kinds of artificial stimulation. It doesn't have to be sexual at all.

Now I'm back to my home country and will start my internship tomorrow. A regular job will definitely help with my schedule and plan. I need to make use of this opportunity to have a regular life. It can help me establish some foundation for a routine life even after I go back to school.

Obviously I can't aim too high or else I will get disappointed. My biggest problem is I don't have any kind of hobby. Any! Planning to read books or learning languages or whatever seems like a perfect plan but it puts a high demand on my self-discipline which I don't have much left :'( The sad part is I don't know how to start a hobby even. I'm so used to doing nothing but watching videos or playing with my phone. Actually reading a book is something I do like, but I always get drawn to videos because they are bigger stimulants. Well, probably the best thing I can do is to just stick to "reading one page a day" of any book I like. I will feel tempted to do other things for sure but I have to start somehow. It's a fact and I gotta stop trying to find a shortcut. There is no shortcut. I have to start getting used to low stimulants environment. Only then will I be more motivated to start a hobby or something. Now everything kinda fades away compared to porn or extreme videos.

If you guys have any good suggestion, please let me know, I'd love to hear your opinion.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

A regular schedule definitely helps. I know it has been helpful for me to create a schedule for my days. Even when I don't actually have anything on my calendar (like work or school), if I sit down and write down what I'm going to do and when, I end up having more productive days with less time-wasting activities.

And definitely think more about starting small and being consistent with it. A couple years ago, I started doing really basic yoga because I realized that I wasn't getting any exercise and that was all I could handle. Just in the last few weeks, I have started doing some strength training. I couldn't have started there, but doing something every day for a while eventually built me up to the point where I could do something more rigorous.

Think about habits. Focus on doing things consistently and replacing old habits of addiction with new, healthier ones. That is something that has helped me a lot.

 

[brandnewself]

Day 8
Thanks BlueHeronFan!
Last week I started my internship and a fixed schedule like this definitely helped with my reboot. I don't need to do anything intentionally to distract myself from porn thoughts because I'm occupied. In this regard, I'm doing ok. But I'm constantly worried about my master's research. Since I'm not really interested in the topic and I just want the degree, I really have no motivation to read any paper whatsoever. I have one year before I have to submit my thesis but I'm not working on it. What's worse is that I feel obligated to do my research for my professor instead of for myself. I feel guilty if I have to talk to him because I'm not making any progress. He is really nice to me and he basically allowed this long summer break without me applying for a vacation officially (the school might not allow it considering that they give me scholarship).
I'm supposed to do my research for myself but I'm ashamed of myself for not working on it because I don't want to disappoint my professor. This is not a healthy "motivation" to do my research and I don't know how to get out of this cycle. It's the most important thing right now but I'm not doing anything about it. It's taking a toll on me and causing a lot of anxiety.
I think I need to be honest with my professor if I'm not making progress. Also I should treat it like a duty if I can't force myself to like it. I'll just read something related to my research for 30 min every day. This way at least I can start to feel better about myself. I need to start. Simple as that, I don't need to ask for any progress right now. Just read for 30 min. I can do that. I can do that.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Congrats on day 8!

That's a tough one, though. Sometimes we just have to get to work and figure out our motivations along the way. On some level, it might be better to make progress on the right thing for the wrong reasons than to sit around and do nothing until our motivations fix themselves. Plus, it's possible that you will find your own motivations once you get started.

Talking to your professor is probably a good idea. Maybe he can help you adjust your project so that it is more interesting to you. His job is to help you, so it can't hurt to let him know what's going on (especially if he is as nice as you say!)

Keep it going!

 

[brandnewself]

Hey Blue thank you for your reply. I'm kinda fixed on my research direction so there isn't much to do regarding that. Honestly I probably wouldn't find something that interest me that much anyway because I don't want to do research at all. I just need to accept the fact that I'm not one of those academic materials and I just have to treat it as a job to finish in one year. Unfortunately I didn't succeed in this reading for 30 min everyday plan. I'm letting myself off for this week and starting from this weekend, I'll do it for 5 min every day. This sounds stupid because 5 min is nothing but I think that's my best bet if I want to start.

It's day 12. At home I feel more in peace and that's one of the reasons urges are not that strong. Besides that, I think I really overloaded my brain hard in the past year or two that I'm not tempted to use porn whatsoever physically. Psychologically, yes, the urges are still here. They're nagging me from time to time but so far I'm doing ok.
One of the issues I want to address inside is my push-over mentality or victim mentality. All the time I'm looking for someone else to make decisions for me and be responsible for me. I feel small and incompetent although I can learn things quickly. It's probably a low self-esteem issue but it might be changeable if I can adopt a better mindset. Part of me always wants to prove that I'm a worthy person yet I'm really scared of any failure or embarrassment. Subconsciously, I think, if I don't engage in something voluntarily then I don't need to be held responsible for the consequences. This could partly explain what happened in my research. From the beginning I never even tried to look for something that I might be interested in. I just waited and waited until my professor told me to do something. Also when I felt uncomfortable doing something I never said it because I'm a pushover. I just hoped things would work out but they didn't. They never will this way. We do things mainly for two reasons, either we "need to", or we "want to". Motivation is in charge of the latter but when we don't have the motivation, we have to rely on willpower, habit and a good mindset to do things. I can't always expect to have motivation so I have to work on other areas. I need to take matters in my own hand.

 

[Lero]

Discovering who you really are is the tool that will take someone out of the void. Discovering what qualities we have, what weaknesses, and letting people know that's who we really are and if they don't like it, we don't have to be friends. I wouldn't even want to be friends with people who don't like me the way I am.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

That's fair, research isn't for everyone. (I'm not sure it's for me either, honestly.) But it's not a waste if you learned something! And hey, knowing you have a job for a year (even one you aren't crazy about) isn't too bad either!

I really relate to your waiting for things to materialize. I have definitely spent a lot of time in my program so far just waiting for some kind of purpose to fall out of the sky and make sense to me. I'm starting to realize that I am going to have to make my own way if I want to get anywhere. I'm sure we'll figure this out with some time.

Congrats on 12 days! Keep it going!

 

[brandnewself]

Discovering who you really are is the tool that will take someone out of the void. Discovering what qualities we have, what weaknesses, and letting people know that's who we really are and if they don't like it, we don't have to be friends. I wouldn't even want to be friends with people who don't like me the way I am.

Hi Lero, that's a greak way to look at it. I have to admit that fully accepting myself is very hard at the moment but I'm trying. I hope you're doing well in this regard.

That's fair, research isn't for everyone. (I'm not sure it's for me either, honestly.) But it's not a waste if you learned something! And hey, knowing you have a job for a year (even one you aren't crazy about) isn't too bad either!

I really relate to your waiting for things to materialize. I have definitely spent a lot of time in my program so far just waiting for some kind of purpose to fall out of the sky and make sense to me. I'm starting to realize that I am going to have to make my own way if I want to get anywhere. I'm sure we'll figure this out with some time.

Congrats on 12 days! Keep it going!

Thanks Blue, every time before I post something I would evaluate if I have some wise things to say. If not I would just wait for a few days until I have it.  To some people it could be a good habit but just now I realized this is also part of "waiting things to materialize" trick that I do to myself. I'm too "smart" in the sense that I always want the best payoff whenever I do something otherwise I wouldn't do it at all. This kind of perfectionism doesn't do me any good. I've lost too many opportunities in my life due to this stupid perfectionism. Now I'm just replying the first chance I got haha.

The biggest issue in perfectionism is that I would give up on something easily or not start it at all. Actually I knew I had this issue a few years back but I still get trapped in this. I need to be more mindful about it.

Today is Saturday so I got all the day for myself. To be honest this is what I fear most since I still don't have a concrete plan yet to utilize my time. I know I said I would make a plan many times by now so I hope this time it will truly work out.

 

[Kraken]

Make a plan today and post it on your journal.  You can do it!