My Reboot Journal

[Rebooter2019]

Hi,

I'm a 26 yo guy who got PIED and PE because of porn. I'll start this journal with my story in short.

I started to watch porn around the age of 10-12 yo at the time I had no high speed internet connection, but I was relying on the video and photo stash of my father(which was substantial).

Unfortunatly, most of it wasn't really legal, but at that age what do you know!? Beside, I was already hook at the sh*t that is porn. Plus, I was hiding in my appartement when I was at school, alone and almost in seclusion like. I always has had trouble to get along with people as I always felt that I wasn't "in phase" with people of my age always felt like what they were interested in was futile and boring. So with my lonelyness and the big stash of porn that he had I quickly got into it and start to hide myself from the world even more.

Years went by and I was staying with regular men/woman porn. It was taking me more and more time to finish cause at that point men/woman wasn't enough anymore. That was around 4 years ago.

I was 22 and was barely starting to recover from my father being arrested while I was there for the not so legal stash he had. I was starting to talk to people and I had been doing teakwondo for around 5 years at that point. I was still feeling like the people around were mysteries, but I wasn't completely alone anymore. Still I was watching porn, but it started to escalate. From Men/woman to gang bang, to rough sex passing by shemales, BDSM, etc...

It reached new extreme around 3 years ago and at that point I realise that something was wrong!.. I had trouble to sleep, I couldn't concentrate even with the ADHD med that I had. I was masturbating to porn up to 7-10 times a day and each time to a more extreme genre, otherwise I couldn't O. I would wakeup in the middle of the night unable to sleep just to open my computer and PMO. I was more than a wreck. The only at the time that keep me alive was my passion for the sport. My only attach to life back then. Try to get a girlfriend when you have GAD, and barely go out of your house to go train and go back there once done

That's when I started to search online for clue, I found something about rebooting. It was yourbrainonporn.com! That's when I realise that I wasn't really turn on, more than being condition to be, by what I was looking at now to be able to O.

I've tried to quit actively for around 2 years now, during that time I had some occasion to have sex which failed because of PIED. I had a girlfriend for a short time, but it didn't workout in the end partially because of PIED.

I'm here because recently, I've been able to do some longer "Streak" and I felt so much better than when I'm PMOing and I saw the community here that seems really friendly plus It's good to feel that I'm not alone in this. I must absolutely get better! I can't live like that anymore!

I really worked hard on myself, I don't have GAD and I'm barely ever at home(more recently though) I have friends now and alot of people like me enough to invite me to places. I can talk to people and have fun with them now(I've learn to speak their language ;D ).

I know I can and I really hope that by making a journal and getting some external help by people who can understand how I feel, will assist in my reboot.

Wasn't easy to write everything, but there it is. It's soothing to have it out.

*EDIT: I said it was good to see that I wasn't alone in this and by that I meant that it was kind of reassuring, because we can all agree that it is not "good", just wanted to clarify*

 

[Pete McVries]

Welcome to the board and may you recover quickly.

 

[Rebooter2019]

Thanks pete!

I want to get clean first and foremost for myself. But I decided to show everyone in our situation that even if you live from PMO more than half your life that you can recovery no matter what.

So I'm gonna keep this journal updated once in a while. With all the up and down included as a sort of testimony of my fight against this addiction.

Stay strong Brothers and Sisters!

 

[blueRaccoon]

Welcome to the community man!!
I am glad to know that you have improved yourself a bit, have friends and are enjoying longer streaks. I am looking forward to catching up to you. Do help us with your insights.
All the best for your journey.

 

[Rebooter2019]

Thanks @blueRacoon,

I've been looking at that and I actually improved a lot during these 2 years of doing my best to avoid PMO. Even if the success have been relative in term of streaks, I restarted to go to the gym during that time periode and didn't stop since, restarted school, have a work, friends, start meditating recently, etc... It's one of the best thing I could have done for myself.

Now, it's time to completely eliminate PMO. I think that, as any addiction, one of the essential step is to seek help or at least not being alone in this.
It can be hard to talk about that, but that the goal of this forum. Being able the be heard and understood without being judge. Essantially, we're all and the same boat and by bringing someone up we all go up with him/her.

Journal update

Day 1 clean without much of anything
Day 2 clean but had a little bit of sexual thought that I had to toss aside and an urge when I check my history on my computer and saw the name of the last p site that I went... Immediatly close the browser and delete everything, close the computer went training. I'll have to be careful for the rest of the day.

*Note: shouldn't stay in bed after waking up and be aware of the trick that my brain use to get me to relapse*

 

[Rebooter2019]

Near the end of that second day, I'm bored to death. Don't have any cravings or any urges, I just have the impression of being dead inside. Don't want to do anything and even the prospect of eating does not enjoy me. Guess I'm in a low.

Last time, I've been like that for 2 weeks and that's what make me break my reboot. I was wondering if I could still feel something. Now I'm aware though...

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Hey, man, welcome. I feel like we're in kind of a similar spot. I was dealing with the worst of it a few years ago, but I'm still working on cleaning up what's left.

Sorry to hear you're feeling out of it. It might be hard, but it's definitely worth finding something you enjoy, something to brighten the days when you're feeling down. Sometimes, all I can do is watch comedies on TV, but it gets me through. Keep going strong!

 

[Rebooter2019]

Thanks @BlueHeronFan, sorry that you feel like that. It's not a feeling I would wish to anyone, but we will survive and prevail!

I meditated and watched an old cartoon movie unti I decided to go sleep. That got me through. Today is Day 3 and since I'm working all day, I will see and talk to some people, that will get me through that day. So it will be another clean one.

The good side of feeling like that is that we don't have urges and or craving, but we must stay careful for the end of this down. We don't know when that's gonna be.

 

[Rakses]

Sorry to hear that. That numbness is horrible...

if such a day happens to me and i have energy i just am aware that this shit is playing with me nothing i can do so i just do my regular things to progress in my life and make that through. Patience is the key.

 

[Rebooter2019]

Thanks @Rakses

Yeah that's the only thing can be done. The brain try to freak you out you have to see through that and see it as it is... he try to numb your awareness so when he'll kick the urges and cravings back in, you'll be too suprise to be able to resist! Or to break the reboot out of fear that you'll keep that numbness forever. Either way, I already fell for these in the past. Now I know and won't be taking down as easily

Today is my 4th day clean and I woke up to a P dream from the most extreme material I've ever watched! Weirdly enough, I didn't had any cravings or urges at all after waking up. Nothing. I was just a little bit troubled. Guess I should have expected it!

Less weird is that I've got cravings, but only for video game. Another dopamine sinkhole and an actual real catalyst of a lot of my relapses in the past. Another way that my brain is trying to get his high no matter what. I won't fall for that though!

Even though I trained(calisthenic), had the longuest meditation I've ever had and took a nap in between the two. This day is sooo boring... almost like I don't have any dopamine left. I hate that phase, but at the same time I prefer that to having craving like I've had in the past. It felt almost like I had a heart attack at times, start sweating intensely, almost about to trow out and the heat... that heat. Like I was doing an extreme HIIT training!!

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Sorry these days are rough, but it's good that you recognize it's just your brain chemistry playing tricks. It's always helpful for me to be able to take a step back and think about where addictive feelings are coming from.

Here's to us and making progress!

 

[Rebooter2019]

Thanks @BlueHeronFan. And thanks to everyone showing their support. It's awesome to not feel alone anymore!!

Day 5 has been a clean day even though pretty much every feeling are still being muffle up. I got triggered by something at the job and reacted in an angry manner, but barely feel angry even happiness was muffled.

Except that nothing special. I did everything I planned to do. So I would say it's a good day even if it feel like nothing.

We can do it everyone, we have to keep going forward!!

 

[blueRaccoon]

Thanks @BlueHeronFan. And thanks to everyone showing their support. It's awesome to not feel alone anymore!!

Day 5 has been a clean day even though pretty much every feeling are still being muffle up. I got triggered by something at the job and reacted in an angry manner, but barely feel angry even happiness was muffled.

Except that nothing special. I did everything I planned to do. So I would say it's a good day even if it feel like nothing.

We can do it everyone, we have to keep going forward!!

Keep getting the good days and we'll all be successful. ;D

 

[Rakses]

Thanks @BlueHeronFan. And thanks to everyone showing their support. It's awesome to not feel alone anymore!!

Day 5 has been a clean day even though pretty much every feeling are still being muffle up. I got triggered by something at the job and reacted in an angry manner, but barely feel angry even happiness was muffled.

Except that nothing special. I did everything I planned to do. So I would say it's a good day even if it feel like nothing.

We can do it everyone, we have to keep going forward!!

That's good if we have shitty day just do what needs to be done and after that whatever haha. Keep it up.

 

[Rebooter2019]

That's good if we have shitty day just do what needs to be done and after that whatever haha. Keep it up.

Thanks man!! Exactly, that way we get things done even in a 3/4-apathetic state of mind!

Today is Day 6 and nothing has really change. Except, I posted in several journals and had the impression of helping some people and that make me feel good! I was even able to feel it through the current muffleling of my feelings!

The day didn't start really well though, forget my pre-workout home, my additional shirt for after the gym, my meditation was full of distraction, I'm bored to death... again and I feel tired. I almost didn't train this morning... calisthenic is my main passion! I'm always doing it, sick or not, snowstorm or not and I almost didn't train....

I had only a really brief urge when my brain send me a scene from my last relapse. I dicarded it immediately! Feelings went dead since, brain's playing with me. I'll read a book and meditate trying to get a better one this time around.

 

[Rakses]

That's good if we have shitty day just do what needs to be done and after that whatever haha. Keep it up.

Thanks man!! Exactly, that way we get things done even in a 3/4-apathetic state of mind!

Today is Day 6 and nothing has really change. Except, I posted in several journals and had the impression of helping some people and that make me feel good! I was even able to feel it through the current muffleling of my feelings!

The day didn't start really well though, forget my pre-workout home, my additional shirt for after the gym, my meditation was full of distraction, I'm bored to death... again and I feel tired. I almost didn't train this morning... calisthenic is my main passion! I'm always doing it, sick or not, snowstorm or not and I almost didn't train....

I had only a really brief urge when my brain send me a scene from my last relapse. I dicarded it immediately! Feelings went dead since, brain's playing with me. I'll read a book and meditate trying to get a better one this time around.

That's true. I feel like the more i give to people who has the same addcition as me the more I earn... It's Good Karma Bitches xD

In case of meditation i do this for awhile and I have a little tip for you. My guru said to do not judge yourself during meditation, there is no "good attempt meditation" and "Bad attempt meditation" you just simply do it no matter how it feels or what it is. Try to do your meditation as an offering, just simply sit leave beside you everything that you are not (for ex your job, wife, problems, addictions etc) and simply sit. Just let go the flow of your mind and being and watch it. Hope it helped!

Good luck with your calisthenics. I have seen that in my previous relapses:
Addiction takes back what you love
You don't feel to do what you are passionate about so you feel bad
And prescription to fell better is to PMO (brain so stupido) - NO ITS FUCKING NOT! FUCK YOU PORN!
haha keep it strong!

 

[Rebooter2019]

That's true. I feel like the more i give to people who has the same addcition as me the more I earn... It's Good Karma Bitches xD

In case of meditation i do this for awhile and I have a little tip for you. My guru said to do not judge yourself during meditation, there is no "good attempt meditation" and "Bad attempt meditation" you just simply do it no matter how it feels or what it is. Try to do your meditation as an offering, just simply sit leave beside you everything that you are not (for ex your job, wife, problems, addictions etc) and simply sit. Just let go the flow of your mind and being and watch it. Hope it helped!

Good luck with your calisthenics. I have seen that in my previous relapses:
Addiction takes back what you love
You don't feel to do what you are passionate about so you feel bad
And prescription to fell better is to PMO (brain so stupido) - NO ITS FUCKING NOT! FUCK YOU PORN!
haha keep it strong!

Thanks for the tip!! It can be easy to forget, but it is so important!
For my training, I find it easier to be motivated when prepare all my thing the day before. That's what I did yesterday night!

It doesn't matter how I feel, I will do everything in my power to never return to PMO EVER!!! I wasted more than 15 years of my life with that shit and I'm sick of it.

Plus, now I'm not alone anymore! I've got people here that understand what I'm going through!! Thanks to you and everyone that has supported me. We all gonna be victorious as long as we stay in and keep going forward in the Reboot!!!

 

[changemylife]

You don't feel to do what you are passionate about so you feel bad
And prescription to fell better is to PMO

All addictions sit between you and what you are passionate to do because they either occupy the time or affect how you feel and you can't start doing anything. Talking about the P addiction that this place is all about, after you PMO all day long, you are exhausted, with no energy, how can you now start doing things? The more you indulge in addictions, the less you disconnect from real world. This feels bad and what else have you got to feel better? Going back to more addiction.

 

[Rebooter2019]

True that!

Today is Day 7 clean. Though today I stayed in bed alot and had some fantasies happening... nothing P related, more about kissing and really make love, so nothing like in P. But I shouldn't have done that. Each time I caught myself doing that I stopped myself, but 5 min later I was back in that "world". Only after a couple of time that I decided to get up to prevent any further fantasies!

Not much later that day I had a little bit of cravings and urges, which is why I left my phone in my room and went to start cooking my dinner. It require a lot of preparation which set all the craving and urges back from where they were coming! During that time period I had many mood swings. Most of these were anger and a little bit of fear when I started to have cravings, but now I feel better. Though, I must be careful for the rest of the day.

These days I feel the need to be alone so deeply, but when I go to see people I feel great. I really want to be alone. That only since the start of my reboot though! Feels like when I was in depression, I wonder when will it stop and I'll start to feel good again?

 

[Rebooter2019]

I was finally alone and meditate for almost an hour. I never meditated this much in one go. It felt so good!!! I don't feel numbness anymore! Right now I feel in peace ;D