Its hard to stay expressive man
Fucking hard
They want to control you
They can't stand chaos
They can't stand violence
Anger
Even laughter sometimes
They wanna put you in a little fucking box
So you can be good little boys
So you can be good little consumers who listen and obey the rules and pay big daddy governement their taxes
We get taken down like dogs that get put in their cages if they don't obey
Your own parents do it to you
Since you're a kid
When you're weak and vulnerable
They punish you or lock you in your room when you express emotions they don't like
The way you are is not okay because they say so
You have to control your body using your mind cause if you don't, you feel like they will abandon you
Its a question of survival and you do it as a survival instinct
You learn to supress your emotions
You learn to supress everything
And the depression begins
You start holding everything in
You stop smiling, you stop talking
You're disconnected from your body
You're disconnected from everybody
You live in your head for awhile
You've let them make you build a nice little prison inside your head that you can't get out of.
The guard left, the doors are unlocked, but you're just too afraid to come out.
You've become used to it
You're keeping yourself there
You assosiate yourself as a part of it now and being out is scary and uncomfortable
You don't know how you got there
You don't know this is happening because you're just a kid, and even if you did you probably couldnt stop it from happening.
The depression gets deeper and stronger as years pass and you start using drugs and jerking off so you can feel something but it only makes things worse and you end up only being disgusted with yourself.
It gets worse as years go by and you start looking up ways to fix depression but you find nothing. You try a therapist that could probably give you advice but only makes the sessions last long and listens to you talk so he can get paid. You try anti-depressant that do nothing except making you want to kill yourself and you stop only to find out that there is severe withdrawals when getting off the drug that the doctors didn't tell you about.
People can't help you, people can't even see your pain, you try to hide it but underneath the bandage is a wound getting more and more infected. There is no one to save you but yourself.
When you're lying hopeless on the floor wanting to end the pain, you have to choose between death and anything else so you attempt something. like stopping watching porn.
The depression starts fading away slowly.
Why? You don't know but it does.
Was it because you stopped watching porn or was it god's plan?
I don't even believe in god but I believe things happen for a reason
Maybe this was all just to make you stronger. You can look back on it with some positivity. You avoided problems and they brought you down.
I wonder if all of this could have been avoided sometimes. I wish I would know more answers than I knew before. But the truth is I don't. I think I could help people avoid pain but I wonder if it would just make them weak or if they would even listen to me.
I think I'm done trying to play god, trying to know everything. What makes me think I know whats best for someone else anyway? Pain and mistakes are good and necessary, sometimes.
Some experiences have to be lived and cannot be taught by words.
I'm just saturated with information anyway
We've become gluttons for information and entertainement
Feeding our minds until it becomes numb and lazy
Until you have no mind power to think about things that really matter when the time comes
Anyway I felt like I had to put this somewhere since I need to express myself and this is a good outlet to do shit like that. Get the garbage out of your mind and set yourself free. You have enough shit bringing you down, enough shit to worry about, fucking let it out, let it go, set yourself free.
I recommend you create a journal and start posting if you havent already. It will help you get the shit out. This is some kind of therapy even though it doesnt look like it.
You may think stopping porn is easy, well by now I hope you know its not by having read this journal and other people's too. Keep yourself accountable, porn is bad for you no matter how many times you forget it is. Otherwise I would have left a long fucking time ago and wouldn't have made over 200 posts on this website. I never planned on starting a journal to be honest. I thought this was going to be easy, I thought journals were for pussy. Well fuck, I don't think they are now. If you have the balls to say what you think you're not a pussy. Even though I'm doing it anonymously it doesnt matter. I just don't want people to use things against me and be free to say anything straight from my head to paper.. or screen, whatever..
Create a journal, men, if you feel like it. Don't let your ego or shame stop you. You need every bit of help on your side, trust me... or not I don't care. Don't quit quitting and keep fighting against porn and share your experiencea with what work and what doesn't. Try something else if you keep failing.
Keep in mind that 99% of chances are you wont be able to quit forever on the first try, I thought I was and look at me now. I made it 76 days and relapsed my first time.
But as long as there is progress, there is hope. I have hope
I will stop writing now because I doubt anyone has read this far, if you did, congratulations, you have no life Lol no I'm just kidding. You're actually getting some value out of this I hope, and are following the realizations I'm making about this addiction. We're gunna make it guys. At least I know I am and when I'm done you will know how I did it.
