Shemale Addiction

Had dreams about watching porn
jacked off yesterday with some youtube content

I'm just tired at this point
my willpower can only take so much
I will try to keep doing this cause I don't see a better option

I don't wanna get so low that I actually watch real porn with nude women so this will have to keep going until I feel ready to abstain from it all again

As long as I stay away from real porn thats still a win in my book even though I don't feel like I'm winning right now
I feel like I'm failing and bad about having jerked off

I have to recharge myself
survive in porn abstinence and minimise damage by jacking off to soft non nude porn if you wanna call it that, and do it as quick as I can.

I thought by starting school I would have more to do but I still have enough free time to jack off unfortunately
Sexual energy will still keep me from falling asleep
When sexual thoughts enter my mind and I don't feel strong then I let them grow and have to jerk off

I just hope I can maintain the things I'm doing without stuff going downhill and doing a full blown relapse
But I have to let myself regain willpower so I don't see any other option
As long as I write on here and am conscious of what I'm trying to do at all times I think there is a low risk of me slipping
 
Its hard to stay expressive man
Fucking hard

They want to control you
They can't stand chaos
They can't stand violence
Anger
Even laughter sometimes

They wanna put you in a little fucking box
So you can be good little boys
So you can be good little consumers who listen and obey the rules and pay big daddy governement their taxes
We get taken down like dogs that get put in their cages if they don't obey

Your own parents do it to you
Since you're a kid
When you're weak and vulnerable
They punish you or lock you in your room when you express emotions they don't like
The way you are is not okay because they say so
You have to control your body using your mind cause if you don't, you feel like they will abandon you
Its a question of survival and you do it as a survival instinct

You learn to supress your emotions
You learn to supress everything
And the depression begins
You start holding everything in
You stop smiling, you stop talking
You're disconnected from your body
You're disconnected from everybody
You live in your head for awhile

You've let them make you build a nice little prison inside your head that you can't get out of.
The guard left, the doors are unlocked, but you're just too afraid to come out.
You've become used to it
You're keeping yourself there
You assosiate yourself as a part of it now and being out is scary and uncomfortable

You don't know how you got there
You don't know this is happening because you're just a kid, and even if you did you probably couldnt stop it from happening.
The depression gets deeper and stronger as years pass and you start using drugs and jerking off so you can feel something but it only makes things worse and you end up only being disgusted with yourself.

It gets worse as years go by and you start looking up ways to fix depression but you find nothing. You try a therapist that could probably give you advice but only makes the sessions last long and listens to you talk so he can get paid. You try anti-depressant that do nothing except making you want to kill yourself and you stop only to find out that there is severe withdrawals when getting off the drug that the doctors didn't tell you about.

People can't help you, people can't even see your pain, you try to hide it but underneath the bandage is a wound getting more and more infected. There is no one to save you but yourself.

When you're lying hopeless on the floor wanting to end the pain, you have to choose between death and anything else so you attempt something. like stopping watching porn.

The depression starts fading away slowly.
Why? You don't know but it does.

Was it because you stopped watching porn or was it god's plan?

I don't even believe in god but I believe things happen for a reason

Maybe this was all just to make you stronger. You can look back on it with some positivity. You avoided problems and they brought you down.



I wonder if all of this could have been avoided sometimes. I wish I would know more answers than I knew before. But the truth is I don't. I think I could help people avoid pain but I wonder if it would just make them weak or if they would even listen to me.

I think I'm done trying to play god, trying to know everything. What makes me think I know whats best for someone else anyway? Pain and mistakes are good and necessary, sometimes.
Some experiences have to be lived and cannot be taught by words.

I'm just saturated with information anyway
We've become gluttons for information and entertainement
Feeding our minds until it becomes numb and lazy
Until you have no mind power to think about things that really matter when the time comes

Anyway I felt like I had to put this somewhere since I need to express myself and this is a good outlet to do shit like that. Get the garbage out of your mind and set yourself free. You have enough shit bringing you down, enough shit to worry about, fucking let it out, let it go, set yourself free.

I recommend you create a journal and start posting if you havent already. It will help you get the shit out. This is some kind of therapy even though it doesnt look like it.

You may think stopping porn is easy, well by now I hope you know its not by having read this journal and other people's too. Keep yourself accountable, porn is bad for you no matter how many times you forget it is. Otherwise I would have left a long fucking time ago and wouldn't have made over 200 posts on this website. I never planned on starting a journal to be honest. I thought this was going to be easy, I thought journals were for pussy. Well fuck, I don't think they are now. If you have the balls to say what you think you're not a pussy. Even though I'm doing it anonymously it doesnt matter. I just don't want people to use things against me and be free to say anything straight from my head to paper.. or screen, whatever..

Create a journal, men, if you feel like it. Don't let your ego or shame stop you. You need every bit of help on your side, trust me... or not I don't care. Don't quit quitting and keep fighting against porn and share your experiencea with what work and what doesn't. Try something else if you keep failing.

Keep in mind that 99% of chances are you wont be able to quit forever on the first try, I thought I was and look at me now. I made it 76 days and relapsed my first time.

But as long as there is progress, there is hope. I have hope

I will stop writing now because I doubt anyone has read this far, if you did, congratulations, you have no life Lol no I'm just kidding. You're actually getting some value out of this I hope, and are following the realizations I'm making about this addiction. We're gunna make it guys. At least I know I am and when I'm done you will know how I did it.







 

mousemat1

Well-Known Member
I read it to the end.

I hear your pain.

If a lightbulb in your house broke, you wouldn't think of demolishing the house. Suicide is not an option. Why choose a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Fight and get yourself out of this porn rut!
 
Ate cheese yesterday
lots of cheese
I'm in my bed and I can still smell it
It makes me have fucked up dreams

I woke up in the middle of the night for no reason which never happens
I went back to sleep and had a dream that I was doing a 69 with a  shemale and I busted but didnt wake up right away
the shemale got up from the left side of the bed and tried to kill me (the dream was actually like I was in my bed)
I don't know how but I just felt it and woke up kinda in shock

I can't sleep since then now its 6:35 and I'm trying to sleep
I even jerked off to get the sexual energy out but its not that thats keeping me awake

I feel like shit for jacking off and to have fantasized about shemales yesterday or I don't know when, might have been tonight..
I was trying to get them off my mind and focus on real women from now on. Shemales kinda give me a post-nut syndrome, like I feel bad after I nut and realize its actually a boy that changed sex. Maybe thats what the dream was about. Things that happen when you think with your dick aren't always good

Anyway I'm gunna try and get some sleep now
 
Startes school, started work
So now ai have less free time which is good
I won't be losing my mind with boredom anytime soon
I just need to survive now since starting both once at once is a big change

I have no free days anymore its either work, school or both
Its gunna be good to avoid porn I hope
right now its 4:30 and I'm already tired
went to bed at 7:30 and went to sleep right away
No problem not falling asleep then jacking off

I won't say I've had no sexual thoughts though..
I got a new job and there is some really cute girls there
I will try and talk to them if I have the chance but we're not in the same departement.. and also I think one of them is too young for me anyway
But if she wants me I don't think I could resist.. Even if I said to myself not to get into relationship with girls under 18

I just like girls with small frames/lightweigh so girls under 18 are like that sometimes and they drive me crazy. There is new girls at my school too but I don't think I will get the chance to talk to them unless I get out of my way to do it but I don't know..

I won't try hard with women, thats not the way to do it, I just won't give a fuck and have fun with it. I tried ignoring girls in highschool and they were really thirsty for me I realized years after.
and I tried the try hard method which was a disaster alot more so I gotta go with the just be myself method which is no method but just chill and let things happen on their own. Let the universe decide
If there is a girl I like I will be receptive to her and her to me and we will get closer I think. Either way thats where I'm at and I don't know what else I can do

I told myself its not even the right time to meet women anyway so it doesnt happen I'm fine with it
I'm leaving next year anyway so if I get a girlfriend I won't be able to do that. Either way I'll be fine with it
Not sure which option I even like best
Maybe the girlfriend option but its probably cause I'm thinking with my dick..
 
Now I'm jacking off every day/other day
I think its cause my sex drive is back to normal but I don't know
It might be because of my testosterone is at higher levels or just because I'm getting addicted again a bit

I'm not enjoying it that much or even try to but I don't resist the urges
I just can't keep doing this for years straight its way too demanding, I've got enough shit to worry about

Like I said I just focus on jacking off without anything or using youtube if I have to. I fantasize sometimes about women or even still trannies cause its the only real life experience I enjoyed or maybe it just gives more dopamine. I know I shouldn't probably do it but I am so lets be honest here

99% of people don't suceed at quitting porn forever so I'm not gunna beat myself up for nothing.

My only focus now is stay away from real nude porn, thats it!
And I've been sucessfull at thia since the beginning of the year

When I'll be comfortable with this (2+ years at least) then I'll think about quitting jerking off to soft youtube stuff. One thing at a time!

Guys are beating theirselves up trying to quit porn not jacking off at all its too damn hard man, the chances you will succeed are so low statistically speaking. And don't get me started on those who wanna start eating clean and getting in shape while quitting porn and fapping at the same time.. Good Luck



Other than that, my sex drive is on point right now which is my main reason to quit porn (with PIED) always keep your reasons to quit in mind.
I saw an older woman today who wasnt even that attractive but the way she spoke started making me hard... I think she was attracted to me and I could feel it somehow.. anyway thats a sign of good sexual health right there imo

Anyway, with that, love yourself, keep track of your porn progress and stay consistent. Baby steps

 
I still have hate in my blood
Anger my father expresses that he releases but I get infected with
Anger towards my younger brother who is careless, weak and lies
Anger towards my older brother who used to abuse of me and my friend and beat me up until I got old enough to fight back, and hate for my parents for not ever doing a thing about it.
Anger towards my friend who after 15 years I had to let go because he had no respect for an old friend. I don't feel hate daily but those are the things that come back when people don't change their weak habbits. You can only forgive someone so many times before you cut them off. I'd rather be alone then with toxic people.

I'm done forgiving, I'm done alllowing, I'm done tolerating shit. You think they will change but they won't. You give them them an inch and they take a foot. They suck you dry and ask for more. They take my kindness for weakness and I have to be an asshole not to get stepped on. Some men lack common rules of respect. Kids are acting cocky like no one can touch them. I'm not a violent man but some of kids would benefit from a good old fashionned beating when they're really out of line once in awhile. People have no fucking boundaries anymore, everything goes. Dress your 5 years old transgender son like a whore if you want!

I say don't be emotional about things but sometimes your emotions are telling you the truth.
We must not live in the past but its important we remember it.
This is just my tired body that brings out the darkness when it is feeling weak. Lack of rest and  too much work/stress will do that. I still believe there is some truth to that but this is more of a weak, pessimist way of saying it but I felt the need to let it out anyway. That mainly what journals are for. Letting it out








 
Still having porn cravings but its still good since I allow myself to jerk off and once in awhile watch some girls on youtube
the current step is removing that youtube stuff completely but it will come with time

Removing porn is hard enough as it is

I'm still craving shemale porn even though I thought I was done with it but I think I never will, it will be with me forever but I will try to to experience it anymore because it gives me more dopamine than with women and I wont be in a relation with a tranny that is just fucked up. Fucking em is fucked up enough but I still have 1% sanity left

Other than that I'm pretty busy, I got a new job
theres a girl there that showed me sign of attraction I think.
she came to talk to me apologizing for something she didnt need to apologize for and when she left she kinda dragged her hand on  the counter..  never seen anyone do that so idk maybe I'm just assuming things but pretty sure she was attracted..

the thing is I'm pretty sure she's under age but I'm have trouble not thinking with my dick these days and I'm not sure what to do if things escalate.. I said I was done with underaged girls but I'm a stubborn man so maybe not... If I do something I'll probably regret it and if I don't I'll regret it too but I will fuck so its a hard choice. Lets pray she leaves me alone or I will have no choice but to have sex with her.. I don't think I have the strenght to resist. If I do I'll be upfront and tell her its just gunna be sex and hope she doesnt start loving me and I end up breaking her heart and shit like that. Maybe it will be weird and its just wrong but I don't know whats right or wrong when it comes to sex so dont blame me. girls fucking horses and dogs is normal for me so I'm not the best judge of that.
 

yodaranch

Active Member
Hey man, just wanted to write in and let you know you are not alone. Nothings inherently wrong with you. You just have keep working every day, taking it day by day. I know its hard. But you are not alone!

Hope you have a nice day and that you treat yourself well :)
 
Thanks for the comment Yoda, I appreciate you spreading that positivity.

-

Almost slipped today, me and my friends talked about women today and it triggered things inside of me . I went and looked for escorts online but as soon as I saw nudity I left the page. I'm not going down that road again..

Still jerked off to non nude stuff but it felt kinda forced. That is because it wasnt my body telling me I needed a release but my mind.

I feel I would be ready for a relationship with a woman and I want one so bad but I'm unable to connect with them. Still don't know what to do about it. I wouldnt have much time to spend with a woman anyway.. I have a free day like once a month and need it.

So other than that theres nothing much to say, just trying to control the feelings of hopelessness and hornyness I have towards women and hope some day it will change somehow. Besides that almost everything else is good.
 
Haven't jacked off in a couple days
This whole jacking off using no nude porn and obky youtube if I have to seems to be working pretty well
I recommend to everyone
Abstain as long as you can than use youtube if ypu have to
non-nude soft shit to minimise damage and don't edge

If you've been trying the same old shit for years and its not working its time to change boi!
Try it, it seems to be working for me

Its a necessary step to come down from porn
otherwise your just loose your fucking mind
Don't get me wrong you still need self control but its not as hard

I still get cravings to go find myself a shemale hooker or to nust look em up for the simple thrills and curiosity of it aswell as of sexual feelings but I its easier to stop myself if I have a release of some kind even if its not much

hope you guys are doing good on your reboot and life in general

if you got some questions/comments holla at your boy on here or send me a pm if you're a shy son of a bitch, there nothing wrong with that.

Not that I'm qualified but I'm beginning to have some good insight on this porn shit

Might take awhile for me to respond if you do so be patient.

Thanks for stopping by to read my monthly mind garbage/awesome insightful shit

Goodbye
 
I busted in my bed the other day
fucking hate that shit
Cleaning it right away doesnt work
it sucks

Busted another one after that
Might aswell clean the pipes right?
That day I felt drained and shitty the whole day..
might have had something to do with allergies too

Started fantasizing about shemales again
went on an escort website and jacked off to a picture there
it was only her face but still...
Yes HER face motherfucka
I already feel bad about it I know it was born a fucking man but its neither one or the other anymore so I'd rather call it a woman for sanity purposes


 
Full blown relapsed
jerked off to a fucking tranny
Fuck

Was just gunna jerk off to soft ass harmless shit (is it really harmless I don't fucking know..) and was already having a hard time but when and old fucking repair man came just beside my door to fix some shit, talking loudly as fuck (I mean its 8 am you old fuck shut your fucking corpse mouth!) then I decided that little weak ass porn wasnt gunna cut it and got angry so I just said fuck it and relapsed out of anger.

Was it a relapse now or the point I decided to watch soft porn on youtube? I dont fucking know man

Just feeling like shit right now
I'm gunna go about my day and act like this never happened

I'm gunna try and keep watching non-nude stuff on youtube cause its the only way I can survive right now.

Its been 5 years since I started wanting to quit and here we are again. History just keeps repeating itself. Well almost.

I still only jacked off for 1 min so it didnt do much damage.
Its the only positive fucking thing I can say right now and its good.

Edging is where it gets bad and does the most damage. I still had the reflex to do it quick.

...
I'm still craving real shemales
I fantisize about it
Last time I fucked one I said this was the last time

Meeting one is always a fucked up experience..
So much anxiety like you never experienced before you go and when ypu get there
You start to sweat, you get the shits, all you can think about is this, you shake a little sometimes, when you arrive its really stressfull, when she opens the door you dont know if its gunna look like a woman/sound like a woman or what
Its like meeting an alien you're never seen an are gunna fuck


You really have to want to do this.. and theres not much of them available most times, at least good looking ones
Its expensive too..

I can't experience them anymore because I'm not gunna be in a relationship with one thats for sure and I must not watch porn so I need to let that fetish go and its hard.
Maybe if I ever get in a relationship with a woman I love it will go away.


 
On day 3 of nofap
Trying this again
women at work are driving me nuts today
I just wanna fuck and its making me angry
Even older women that are not that attractive make my dick hard when I talk to them
All I can do is constantly listen to death metal to have a constant release of anger

...

My older brother came live at home again for a few weeks and living with him makes me realize how weak he is. He's acting fake/like a nice guy too. Had to cut my little brother off, my second best friend about 2 months ago and now I'm gunna have to cut him off too. It sucks but I have to do it.

Looks like I need to go my own way and leave everyone behind. I'll have to get used to it cause I'm not willing to let any weakness/toxicity in my life anymore. I still have 2 good friends in my hometown so thats good.


 
Relapsed hard on porn for like 2 weeks straight..
I mean it wasnt really porn but I really wanted to fuck so I looked up shemale escorts alot and ended up jacking of to that everytime

Didnt find any good shemales so I went for some foot fetish domination type of hooker and settled for that yesterday
Paid for an hour
It was a mistake

Thought it was gunna be a good time but the bitch looked really depressed and she didnt look like she liked to perform domination at all
Took awhile for me to get hard and busted a nut in her ass (with a condom) after 20 mins and left.

It smelled like shit at her place it was fucking bad, It was the worst smell and she told me it was in the whole building's ventilation. The smell followed me somehow when I left and I could smell it outside. It was so bad I was gagging alot and puked 3 times even thought I didnt eat so it was only snot that came out.

I think I'm done with hookers for awhile, at least female ones. The 2 trannies I fucked were good but the 2 females sucked. Maybe the male genetics support massive fucking more than the female one. The trannies just looked way more healthy.

Maybe it was just bad luck too, idk.

So yeah, this is pretty much whats been going on, I'm gunna take it easy on the old dick for the next few days. I'll just listen to my body and jerk off when I'm really feeling it and keep the porn I watch non-nude and the jerk off process quick, so only youtube vids if I need it.

Hope you guys are doing well on your reboot, personally I don't really judge things anymore and just try to keep the porn slowly decreasing year to year. Still did 9 months without nude content this year so its not bad. There no need to see things in a negative way anyway...
 
Willpower is pretty much gone, I'm almost fully back to my old ways of jacking off 5 years ago when I started all of this shit..

Not planning on stopping porn till 2021, I just got too much shit on my plate I can't handle this right now.

I need rest, like a full week.

I'm starting for forget why I stopped in the first place like I always do. It was mainly because of PIED but now I don't even care cause I can't find myself any women besides hookers and I don't even have time for a girlfriend anymore. So it went to very little hope of having sex to no hope anytime soon.

I'm not even planning to stop porn again really.. Why would if I cant even fuck... I'll always end up relapsing
Maybe I'm just saying this cause I'm in a low spot but damn..


 
People can't help me fight this
Its a battle you have to fight alone when it comes to actually getting it done.

The thing is, I actually have to know its bad, see it in my day to day life that's its affecting me in a bad way or I won't quit.

Believing is not enough

My goals have changed, the way I see things too, and so did the season.
Winter time is when I'm the most prone to relapsing/watching porn.

I used to want a girlfriend alot but now I just gave up on the project and don't really give a shit. I will focus on myself and enjoy the liberties that come with being single.

Alot of reasons I had for quitting porn just don't apply anymore..
I still want to get it out of my life someday but I don't know why I would put energy in quitting when I don't see real actual benefits in my day to day life.

I'm not saying this to discourage people from abstaining from porn but this is how I feel about this right now.

When it came to things like weed and alcohol I never came back to those things cause I knew why I quit but with porn its not the same thing..
 

f1fan

Member
Awesome on you for being able to stay off of weed and alcohol thats so huge. Keep fighting the good fight.
 
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