Shemale Addiction

Ate like shit yesterday
a friend wanted me to go eat with him so I did
hes kinda chubby so I don't know if I should enable his addictions
I even agreed to let him pay for it wich is even more selfish
I tried to give him 20 dollars but he wouldn't take it

Not sure how to deal with this, if I should let him eat/participate in things that I know are bad for him but give him pleasure
To be honest I don't think so, just like a father would feed his 500 pound son pizza that would just be wrong but a different level

I have to stop being selfish and focus more on how my actions affect other people

Didnt jerk off yesterday which is good
I'm not even thinking about shemales recently and more about women's feet which is also good
didnt succeed at waking up at 8 again, woke up at 8:20 or something

Did all my morning routine and just got back from a long walk, still feel kinda shitty about yesterday of me cheating my diet, it wasnt worth it
I had nightmare also cause I ate too much cheese

I'll still say LETS FUCKING GO but not as intense as I feel like a bitch because I fucked up yesterday
Did 4-5 set of push up before bed to make me come back from my failure but it doesnt work like that

Anyway, today is a new day, I will NOT make the same mistakes today
Keep going mate...and keep people around u whome u r comfortable helps a lot to suppress the dark thoughts...try looking at girls romantically ...sounds cheesy bt believe me helps a lot...hope u find someone u cud love ...all the best.👍
I realize I've been selfish way too long, thinking only about what I can gain for myself. Its kind of natural in a sense but the wrong way to see things. And the way you truly gain something is by giving it all to the ones you love.

Thats what being a man is all about, doing everything right for yourself first, than when your cup is full let it overflow unto others around you. Thats what I'm doing right now and I'd rather die than to go back to my old self. I'd rather die than live a life only seeking pleasure and end up living alone with regrets of how I could have lived the best life if I tried hard enough...

I'll be fasting today, I'm not losing weight fast enough. I'll be purging all my system of all the shit that I've accumulated over the years. All the pain that I hold inside.

I was reading Wes Watson's book in my car last night in the rain, and tear were just pouring down my face. I could see all the ways that I failed my people for so long... NO MORE

I bought 4 of these books yesterday, one for my brother and 3 for 3 of my closest friends to show them the right path.
Money is low, I'm in debt, but it doesn't matter cause once everything else is taken care of I believe things will just fall into place.
"If a man is right, his world will be right"

All these vices, all these addictions, they're just hiding problems that you don't want to deal with but that YOU HAVE to face
Or they'll slowly destroy you like they've done me

You have to be mindful, be mindful of EVERY SINGLE THING that you do
Every single thing that you eat, every single thing that you watch and consume
Is it aligned with your path? with you conscience?

Do you want to be loved? than love others
Do you want to be jacked? than go to the gym

Life is short, don't be average, be rare, stand out in a good way
The more you go down the wrong path the bigger the karmic debt is going to be for you
I thought I was living right, but I was so wrong, but now I KNOW

Cause I've been down the wrong path, I know
Theres no going back now, only forward
You can change the man you are today, you just have to make the descision and stick to it
Be patient and most of all consistent

I believe in you guys, I truly do, you will overcome the adversity slowly but surely
And the harder the battle THE MORE GLORIOUS THE VICTORY
Put that drink down, put the porn down, for you and the ones you love
I love you guys, LETS FUCKING GO!!
I think I'm done
Done seeking shemales for sex
Last time I fucked one I said it left me unfulfilled and I said to myself I would never do it again
It was kinda fun but I wasn't enjoying pleasing someone I didn't care about
Will I ever jerk off to shemales again? most likely
Will I ever seek out an escort, shemale or female? most likely not
Time to find me a wife and have a family like a real man would lets GO!
I think Sunny is right, looking at women romantically is the way to go. I think I'll try jerking off a different way, focusing on woman I could actually imagine myself loving in a way. Romantically jerking off L0l

But yeah, just looking to love a woman for what she is and behaves before I even think about having sex with her is the way to go.
Just got back from the gym, feeling good and sexy as fuck, getting cut, jacked and tanned
Cleaned my car its looking mint as fuck even though there a little rust on the back
About to attack my list with full fucking force like I do everyday NO FUCKING DAYS OFF, just like a truck on the road, at a good pace but fucking unstoppable and consistent.
lets FUCKING go!
Went a little hard yesterday, caught a sunburn and shit
Can't go as hard as Wes I'm not on gear lol
But that ain't no excuse I just gotta be more steady not to burn out myself.
Gunna try to play it a little cooler today
Lets GO
I hit some kind of a flatline a bit, still feel like watching a bit of tig ol' bitties though
I been watching more regular vanilla and foot fetish kinda stuff lately so its better than straight up shemale cocks
I usually always end up with the shemale stuff but still its progress somewhat

Tried jerking off romantically L0l
Did not really work out
But also trying to look at women more romantically but having a hard time

I like seeing beautiful women in the streets even if I'm not horny, its some kind of other hunger I have for them, maybe hunger for affection and someone to love and care for but I don't know

I feel like when a women starts to like me I loose attraction or just don't want any attachement yet.
Most people in my life fucked me over, my own brothers and closest friends so I have problems being attatched to people
Not sure how I can fix that or if I always be like that but I'm always defensive.
And its not helping with my relationship
Dnt b hard on urself...this is nt a quick process bt rather slow and long. Be optimistic,u will definitely get over it...first stop overthinking something's wrong wid u all the time...get busy in work or hobbies....give urself sme time.....all the best man👍👍Bt remember no porn and MO....flatline is ok gets better dnt give in to the temptations...👍
The urge to seek shemale escorts seem to be fading away now
I can see more clearly that I want more than just to use someone's body for sex
The stress before going to see an escort was just too much also. I would litterally be shaking and have diharea.
And even though I enjoyed my last time with a tranny, I said to myself it would be the last time and I trust myself.

I still feel disconnected with other people sometimes but I also feel really good most of the time now.
My sex drive is pretty much normal now and I been watching stuff a little much the past few days but very rarely do it more than once a day

I got a new job starting next week, should make me grow and hopefully its not too bad.
I try to keep busy as much as I can and take care of the basics like diet, sleep and exercise.

I'm still not fully out of the darkness yet but I can see the light and I'm on my way there
Its been a long and lonely journey and I'm ready to do the work to have a better life

Hopefully I find ways to meet a girl somewhere either at my job or on the bus or something. Its okay if I don't I'm used to it but seeing some kind of progress in that area would be cool, even just talking to a girl that I find attractive would be good enough for me. I'm not desperate and have high standards and I think its a good mindset to have cause what I'm aiming for is a lifelong realtionship.
I started working now
Feeling alright, talking to people
Being sharp and positive at work
Working helps me stay away from porn more

When I left today I forgot something in my locker and went back
I heard one of the guys I work with talking behind my back as soon as I was supposed to be gone
It kinda hurt at first but now it doesn't really bother me cause I didn't do anything wrong
I can see the type of people they really are now.

People that work in hotels really are the same
They're two faced
They're nice to you while you're there but as soon as you're gone they talk behind your back
They do that to clients too I've seen it
What a bunch of weak individuals, but hey, it is what it is

I will be looking for a exit job in case of emergency
You know why?
Because I only have once face
If I'm gunna say something I'm gunna say it right to your face I don't give a fuck
And they might not like that and it could lead to me being fired so I'll make sure to have a plan so I don't waste any time..
sucks but this is the world we live in. Its good to have a plan b ready either way

I'll ask him politely tomorrow that if he wants to say what he said to me it doesn't even bother me, just do it while I'm here not behind my back.