Shemale Addiction

First, change the title to this journal. If you want to get rid of this addiction, abonden the vocabulary as well. Don't remind your brain, that there is this group of people that you fetishize.

Other than that, your friend didn't respond to your text and you go crazy like that? You need to chill, man. Call him the next time. Texting is overused and overrated.
Chilling is for pussies, real men have discipline and a code of conduct, boundaries they obey by and do not cross, just like religious people. I don't have to call him, I don't have to change the title of this journal every 2 seconds, I'll do whatever the fuck I wanna do. I keep it the same so people don't have a problem finding it, and when I make a choice, I try to stick to it.

I face my issues face on and don't try to forget shemales, I see the addiction through like I've done with any other drug, alcohol, weed, caffeine. I haven't had a drink in over 4 years and a coffee also, weed is a lil harder but I've stopped many times and smoked maybe once in the last 3 months.

Right now I don't even want to fuck shemales escort anymore cause I experienced them to the point that I know what it leads to. I still look up shemale escort ads from time to time but don't find any that I would fuck cause I know what they are and I don't really enjoy it deep down but if I would, I'd still fuck some and I wouldn't see any problem with that.

I don't really see a problem with jacking off to shemales from time to time, I'm not addicted like I used to. I didn't even think about shemales for about 4-5 days until you brought it up, cause I got it out of my system and I'm seeing the addiction through. I'm more focused on regular females right now and having a family, I jerk off to both female and shemales when I feel like it which is not that often anymore. The big problems with addiction is fixing the rest of my life, not trying to forget the addiction exist cause its not really fixing the issue, youre just pushing back the problem for another time. I have no problem talking about shemales without wanting to look up porn and shit anymore, except if I'm really horny then I'll just look them up and get on with my life. I'm satistfied with where I am with my shemale porn usage, so much that I almost wouldn't even consider it an addiction at all anymore.
 
I texted my friend and explained things to him, I chose to text him so I could fit all the information I needed to tell him and looked back at what I wrote so he wouldn't take offense to it. If I choosed to call him I may have got emotional and said things to him that I didn't really meant to say. Also now he can really take the time to read it. Calling him would have been more personal and he could maybe have felt what I had to say a little more personally, affecting him a little deeper but I still wanted it to stay kinda less personal cause we're not that personal usually to begin with. Maybe I was being a pussy also by not calling him I don't really know but I choose not to because that's what I felt like doing at the time being. I just went with gut feeling rather than thinking too much about it. I also communicate better in writing than in speaking I think. My mind is more clear and I really have time to think of the perfect way to express myself when I'm alone in silence. Sure I could work on speaking better and I think that would also be good for me but for now thats the way I choose to approach things. Maybe writing like I do and perfecting it will translate to speaking better in the future.
 
They say you're the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with
I don't exactly believe that to be true but there is some truth to it
people you hang around with will affect you and who you become

Thats why I try not to hang with soft ass men and lazy ass fucking pussies
Cause I want to be strong, not become as soft ass bitch
thats why I listen to Wes Watson
I don't want to be like him but theres a part of him I admire and seek
the discipline
the hardness
the not giving up
the fucking STRENGTH a man is supposed to be

Not a soft ass average man who looks like a fucking gaming porn addicted nerd with skinny pale little arms
who the fuck wants to look like that?
What kind of woman would want a man like that?
an ugly low value women might

But a high value feminine woman wants a high value masculine man
Thats what I'm trying to get, that's what I'm trying to be
People that are to detrimental to this goals are bound to fuck off of my life one day or another thats just the truth of the matter
Sure theres people I will still allow like really long time friends and family but even those I could decide to cut off if they are too negative or detrimental to my life and my goal

Well some of you could say why don't you help them be better?
I don't fucking help people who don't help themselves
If a man truly wants to be better and is making an effort I will help and guide him for fucking FREE
but if you don't wanna change you're gunna have to fuck off and find people of your lower caliber to spend your time with
Because yes, I consider myself more advanced in life than those people in some many ways
Not because I think I was born better or I think higher of myself than everybody, but just because I take more pride and more time to analyze and fix things in my life
 
Thursday July 21st
Rainy outside
I won't go outside cause I'm tired and feel like a bitch
Cause I've been a bitch
I've gave up my daily list and lacked discipline for awhile but I'm starting again
getting back on the dirty Ol' horse
I cleaned up alot so far

July 21: Invite an Alien to Live With You Day. Legal Drinking Age Day.
Thats what google says
Not that I give a shit

Will be fixing my wake up time
thats the most FUCKING IMPORTANT SHIT

If you start a day with a win its easier to start winning
if you start the day waking up at 1pm YOU'RE ALREADY FUCKED!

If you eat shit on the first meal you also fucked up
I've been sloppy with it also

No need to start fixing complex shit if you can't even get the fucking basics right
I can't yell but I will
ONLY THEN I will focus on the other stuff

Right now I'll focus on DISCIPLINE:
-waking up at 4 FUCKING o'clock
-cleaning my FUCKING room
-Eating clean as SHIT
-Exercising

THATS FUCKING IT

GOOD SLEEP, GOOD EATING, GOOD EXERCISE

Then I'll be in a better place to know what to do next
lets FUCKING get it
 
My friend answered
still came in with more excuses
probably the last time I'll ever speak to him
what a pussy
people don't change man I don't know if I should have even taken the time to explain this to him
I didn't owe him shit

Even though I've known him for 10+ years I'll still cut him off like it ain't shit
like I'm tying my MOTHERFUCKING shoes
I'm starting to talk like Wes Watson Lol he got in my head
BUT I FUCKING LOVE THAT SHIT
that intensity
that variation in speech

I guess I'll just make better friends
Vet those motherfuckers before I start hanging out with them
Make sure they're not fucking PUSSIES and waste my fucking time
There another one of my friend I'll also probably cut off that I've known for years

I'll let it happen on its own but he also does wack shit
He used to have balls but he turned into a fake ass pussy
doesn't even live where I live anymore anyway
I'll be left with 1 friend, one true friend who at least tells me how the FUCK it is...
 
I don't wanna be liked by everybody man
Things that are liked by everybody are usually superficial fucking thrash like pop music
I'd rather be liked by 1% of people and those people to fucking LOVE me
love me for me being my authentic self

Most people do things just so other people will like them
buy certain types of clothes, drive certain cars that are not aligned with their true self
have a lil pretty ass fucking girl haircut so girls will like them
girls who like big fat giants pussies will like you for sure
butch ass lesbian that will make you their bitch
you into that kind of stuff?
fuck that shit
 
Woke up at 4 pretty tired
Did my whole mourning routine, took 2 1/2 hours
Might get some decaf instead of tea tomorrow so its a little more enjoyable

I actually do this so my life is more enjoyable
Waking up at 4 is harder but I just get more out of life
I have to find ways to enjoy my morning routine
sure there's stuff I have to do like basic hygiene
but other than that I'm free to mix it up

Same shit job wise, I wanna work for myself
Not have to answer to some fucking dumbass pussy sitting at a desk all day
I don't want a boss I want total fucking FREEDOM
I'm ready to do what it takes to attain it

Journal is done, its the last part of my morning routine actually
6:35
if I don't post here in the morning that means I fucked up or something happened
I'll try to keep this shit steady before it all goes to shit again

I had a good thing going on but I fucked it up
a kinda good job but wasn't steady so fuck that
I'll focus on what I wanna do on my own
otherwise I'm not motivated
I gotta do shit I actually want to do
I can't be fucking wasting my life just for FUCKING money
It doesnt make sense!

cause money doesnt make me happy at all I just use it to survive and buy a couple cool things
 
Saw a beautiful woman who was looking at me yesterday
we maintained eye contact while I was driving
and its not the first time on this street
I remember one sticking her tongue out looking at me... she had a percing on her tongue
probably the hottest girl I ever saw in my life
Didn't really know what to do so I did nothing but look at her

Its probably the type of girl that cause trouble
but still, I should talk to women that don't even interest me that bad just so I could get better at talking stress free

Focusing on money should be my main focus but shit... I don't know what the fuck to do anymore man

I think women wise I should make a list of the things I require from a woman:
-under 130 pounds
-Dark hair
-cute face
-nice feet
-not too tall
-fit
-pretty voice (not annoying as fuck)

thats my physical requirements so far
not sure about other things like values too are important but its not as easy to make a list for that
-conservative traditional values
-eats meat (no vegan shit)
-submissive

Thats about it for now
Pretty extensive but I demand the best, so I'll have to become the best too if I want a high value woman like that
You can't be with a valuable woman and not be valueable yourself
But I consider myself valueable
Except with money I got pretty much everything I expect from a woman... except the male version of what would be valuable for her
Still working on the 6 pack but fit otherwis theres not much left to be done on that front for what women find attractive.

clothing could be better also and I'm working on that, it comes with money too so I need to fix my money first also the meeting women skill itself is very lacking
 
Feeling like writing this garbage out of my mind is a waste of fucking time
seems like I'm going nowhere
Sure I made progress over the years but god damn...

Maybe Its just cause I'm tired as shit that I feel like a pussy idk
Will still write tho, I'll document this whole fuckfest that my life is
 
I feel like this journal made me write to people the same way that I really think
like I just don't give a fuck anymore
Maybe I'm sharing too much with people , I don't know

But do I really give a fuck?
I don't know either

I'd rather be honest and let people know, that seems to be most resourceful way and the most ballsy
who the fuck does that?
It took me fucking years to become like that so if it makes people fuck off from my life then good, fuck those people anyway
It wouldn't have turned good anyway

I'll be looking up morning routines today trying to perfect mine
 
I've had my moments with DMT
But lately I feel like it must be destroyed
Cast away and never used again, or for a long, long time
It brings out things in me that I don't like
It made me feel fear like a man should never have to face

the fear of fucking god I swear....
My relationship with DMT is unhealthy so I must cut it
I saw how much I became addicted to it
addicted to the feeling of it
they say you can't get addicted to psychedelics but you can, and they can ruin you too, drugs are not a toy you have to be careful

But something is missing in my life
Its what make me still need those drugs
I know that I'm not on my path and I shall find it
Once I do I'll be fucking unstoppable because I want it more than most
I've been through alot
things I thought I would never recover from
Theres things I still suffer from but mostly recovered so I'm grateful
I will try to get some sleep now
 
So moral of the story, if you're ashamed of doing something,
Hiding while you're doing it
That means its not aligned with your conscience and need to stop doing it if you want a better life.
 
Might stop posting on here
Not that anyone would care
Just thought you should know if anyone actually reads this or got any value out of what I said maybe let me know if you want

I'll be moving on to maybe writing books
Or just having a personal journal only for myself
I'll think about it but my work here is pretty much done
I'm not addicted to shemales anymore
I still watch em from time to time but I consider myself cured

I don't see the point in being in a forum about porn if I'm barely talking about it

I've done almost 300 posts, I could keep going but I feel its time for a change
I'll let you guys know and say my goodbyes
I might come back visit from time to time, but probably won't be posting daily like I am anymore
 

swimmer97

Active Member
i dont know you and honestly the last post is the first and only post i read so far. Only thing i can tell you is that if your family was evil/bad to you, fuck these people and cut them out of your life but dont hurt or do something to them physically. This would mean your not any better than them. I think you are better. All the best
 
i dont know you and honestly the last post is the first and only post i read so far. Only thing i can tell you is that if your family was evil/bad to you, fuck these people and cut them out of your life but dont hurt or do something to them physically. This would mean your not any better than them. I think you are better. All the best
You're right and I know hurting them will not make me feel better but I find it so hard to not want to hurt the people who hurt you so badly over so many years. I don't talk to my younger brother at all and my older brother very rarely and I tried to move past the things he did to me but I've lived with hate in myself for so long that it crippled me. It made me also stronger than all of them also so I guess its a postitive.

I've never been able to love any women cause all I had was hate in my heart, I didn't want to love anyone just hurt them like they hurt me but I didn't, I just kept the pain and hate to myself and tried living with it, I became it, listenning to death and thrash metal I even drew power from it but it left me isolated, depressed and lonely, even suicidal but I overcame it during the years.

I learned not to need any love and be okay with it and now I'm fine on my own and I guess its something positive because I don't need any female in my life, and when I get with one I'll be able to stand my ground and not be a simp.

I said I really wanted to hurt people yesterday but that was my weaker self talking, I want to stop the cycle, I don't want people to feel the pain that I felt, I wouldn't wish that on anyone except my brothers maybe, but they're not even worth it. They lost me as a brother and they will pay for the rest of their existence with not having me as an asset around, that will be the cost they will have to pay and all the other costs the universe will give them, those people are not worth the time, the effort or the karma. Its time to move on past those things even if I will never forgive them. I can't let them cripple me any longer, its not worth it.
 
I started waking up at 4:30 again, listening to Wes Watson, working out and having a strict diet.
I was using and abusing drugs again and was filled with regret. I knew this was not the way to live my life, I was ashamed of it. I'm done being ashamed of myself, ashamed of my life and my financial situation, ashamed of my drug abuse and many other things that I do like waking up at 2 pm without a job still living at my parents house.

I will live with pride from now on, trying my best to show others the example, heal myself of all the pain I've cause myself and others have caused me. Then I will proceed to heal others.
 
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