Shemale Addiction

Its easy to act like you're a victim, especially when you're in a bad mood. That's what I've been doing lately but really I've had it better than 99% of people. Sure I've been to tough times, sure my parents may have not looked after me the way they should have and my brothers have wronged me for years but they didn't know better. They made mistakes. Even though I don't forgive them its time to move forward.

Theres people in Africa dying of hunger and whats killing me is that I'm too comfortable. Sure its a problem but its not really comparable or something I can complain about.

Still the pain that I suffered is real and I've done my best to fix it but the lack of guidance of any sort had been a huge problem for me. Not knowing what to do, having no mentor to guide me I was forced to find solutions on my own.

I remember months of having every basic needs met yet being depressed to the point of screaming and crying everyday, wanting to kill myself, wondering when the pain would stop. Nobody could help me, no one really knew, no one really cared enough, I was alone with this pain, this problem I couldn't fix, coming on and off throughout the years, I thought I was doomed, that there was something wrong with me.

I had the look of death in my eyes, I had no emotions, no laughter, no life, no joy. Life had been taken from me and I was living as a dead man. I was usually walking in the street when a bus would come the other way and wish he would just hit me. I was careless cause I didn't give a fuck about living anymore. There was nothing for me there.

Now I'm trying to find meaning in helping others who've been there and being the man I needed when I was at my lowest, only if its just to tell em that life is worth living and the pain will go away. I don't have everything figured out but I'm sure things will start to make sense and the path will start to light up as I move along on this journey. Sacrifices will need to be made daily, it will not be easy, but it will be worth it and I never wanted an easy life anyway.
I need to get out of my parents house, I need the space.
Comfort as been killing me for so long, but not only that is that they affect me in a negative way.
Their negativity is unfixable and no matter how much I tried to do EVERYTHING for them they treat me like I didn't do shit and don't acknowledge anything that I do for them

There lack of appreciation makes me feel anger and sadness. Like that everything that I did didn't matter to them at all anyway.
Like my efforts don't make a difference.
I spent 2 weeks cleaning the whole fucking house while they were gone and when they came back from a expensive comfortable trip all I heard was negativity and complains. Its even worse than if they just ignored all what I did, they fucking spit on it man.

My life was going so well while they were gone now I'm back to being fucking depressed as shit
I was thinking to myself that when they'll be old I'll just let them rot on their own, but I'm not sure if thats the right thing to do.

If I could just get away from them for a couple years I'm sure I'd be way better off. Its about time that I made it happen.

Porn wise (forgot this is even a porn forum) I'm doing well cause I don't even jack off cause I'm sick. Sucks but at least I'm completely clean from every substance and handling it even in suboptimal situations, my diet and wake up time too. There that positivity I guess.
Dark and rainy day today, tired as shit also but tomorrow will be better.
I'll be making plans to get a job real soon before I go crazy being with these two mfs... god damn they're lucky they have each other cause nobody else could fucking stand these two

But I owe them for them for them being my parents.. or do I? I don't even know anymore because they had parents too and my children wont owe me anything we just keep paying it forward with every generation. Either way I'll have been better than my 2 scumbag brothers who never lifted a finger for them. I'll have no regret when they die because I will have given more than my fare share.
Doing pretty much fuck all all day now
Felt like my recent efforts were all for nothing and negativity got to me
I can't fucking be around negative people right now I don't have the strength yet, they affect me too much

When I feel everything I do is not appreciated I say why even bother?
Why even get up if the morning if my presence is not welcomed
If everything I do doesn't make a positive impact in this world

I understand why people use vices, drugs, sex, gambling
When you lack meaning you seek pleasure
pleasure in meaningless things
But I see where it leads and I won't go back to that

I'll try and get back to a positive mindset first then I'll see what I need to do
Cause my brain is thrashed and I can't think clearly right now
Woke up at 4:30 like I usually do
Its the one thing I refuse to give up on
Even if I have nothing planned for the day and I'm super tired I always need to do this
Its part of my training, non-negotiable things that build me

I forced myself into a workout even though I felt like shit and now I feel pretty good
a little slow ass walk on the treadmill with some motivating music and after a few minutes I started running a bit
Then I'm warmed up and can hit those weight with some sort of strength behind it
Not the first set but after 2 or 3 sets I can start hitting some pretty high reps

I'm trying to find my way back to my true path
I can manage to do that when I'm vibing high but when I don't feel 100% I don't operate a the vibration I need to be at

I'm done just doing jobs for people I don't give a shit about with shit condition that are meaningless
I'd rather stay home and just focus on myself
minimum wage bullshit jobs man I've had so many of them I can't take it anymore I'd rather kill myself or be homeless than live like that and I'm not exaggerating

The thing that I must do must be aligned with my purpose, the vision that I have for my best, future life.
I must first get some momentum and get back to feeling good so I can think clearly about what needs to be done so thats what i will focus on doing, just getting better so I know what my next move is.
I just remembered women actually existed
With loss of sex drive because I'm sick and not watching any porn that what happens

Also having had no success with women my whole life I kinda forgot them as a whole
But that doesn't mean its not still an issue
It just means the pain has been buried deep within me
But the lack of love and women is still felt I just learned to live with it
Like a blind man adapted to live without seeing the world

I'm still kind of afraid of being exposed to being rejected
But mostly its just that I don't have any interest in the women I encounter at all
I can judge very quickly when I would be a good match or not
99,9% of the time I wouldn't, but when that 0,1% come I get really overwhelmed with too many feelings that I get out of control and loose my mind

I try to rationalize and say to myself 'oh forget about women and focus on yourself' and all that but they're a part of life thats missing, an a huge part, a part of my purpose, a part of my motivation for suffering. I want a family and it would be great motivation also and a great mood booster. But sadly its something I gave up on long ago, in 2017 I think.

I just couldn't bare the pain trying to pick up women, failure after failure I was wondering what was wrong with me. I was going to the mall, trying to pick up women, failing, going back in my car, hit the steering wheel in complete anger and fucking cry the whole way back home. EVERY TIME for about 60+ times easily. Each time watching those pick up artists thinking I could do what they do but I ain't like them, and I don't wanna be like them anymore cause I'm about more than just sleeping with women now.

If I could find a small sense of hope in that area again I would like that but I still haven't figured that one out yet. Dating sites are not for me, fucking apps become like porn and I don't fuck with that, I don't fuck with social media either so it has to be in real life. But I'm always cold with people, life just made me this way so I try to avoid people more than meet them, so its the same thing with girls.
Feeling alright
couldn't say I'm depressed I'm just having trouble realigning myself with my purpose

Wrote a shit ton yesterday, got back on the self authoring program I bought about a year a two ago
I thought it was pretty pointless and was so long to do for what it costs that I was like fuck this
I'm like fuck this cause I don't know how is this gunna help me but it kinda brought things into perspective

especially the future authoring program

I noted all the goals I wanted to achieve in the future which were pretty much: be financially free with a job that bring me purpose (more like be my own boss also), get a wife, have children, have a six pack, clean my diet, get my own place

those are all things that I should be working towards everyday. I'm more focused on work right now because i think its the first one I need. then getting my own place so I could invite a woman in my life, then the children and other stuff comes after that.

Pretty basic stuff but its important to think about it, most people don't plan shit

Yesterday I got this rush of good feelings from completing a part of the program,
each time I do something that is aligned with my purpose I get a rush of really good feeling like no other drugs can bring, its truly the way to live a better life

Here is a voucher code for anyone interested for doing the self authoring program, they gave it to me for free when I signed up so might aswell give it to one of you guys if anyone sees it.

Voucher Code: ur2r2J66DUaBoCljen-KVw​

This voucher can be redeemed at
Gabe Deem the man itself is still around
I almost completely forgot thats who lead me to this forum in the first place
Its been so long...

I remember those early days, could be around 2015 maybe when I first tried to quit porn
I needed help and the only thing available was like 2 videos of him speaking about the topic
I watched them many times
It was the only thing I could relate to, when I was feeling anxiety, depression or even suicidal at some points
I had no choice but to quit porn at this point or I was gunna kill myself, I couldn't take it

He was proof that there was still hope, that you get back to a healthy porn free life

Even till recently I still couldn't believe porn was that bad for you, why is everyone watching it then?
Why is he the only one talking about it if its really that bad?
I went back to porn, I still wanted to watch porn, I think part of me believed that porn was not harmful because I still wanted to live in denial, I was to weak to accept the true reality, I preferred to live in a life full of easy pleasure still.

But like all addictions, its not worth it. When you start living for pleasure you loose meaning, and shame and regret takes over your life because you're out of alignement with your conscience. Whether its porn or any other addiction, its all the same.

Gabe was the only one who had the courage to show his face and talk about those uncomfortable truths
He was willing to stand alone, to be judged, because he knew what he was doing was the right thing to do no matter who else said otherwise
And for that he has my respect.

I'm not on that level yet, but I aspire to be more like him. I've made a lot of progress talking openly about this, I mean just the simple fact of mentioning I liked shemale porn took me about 7 years to do. Theres still a long way but I'm enjoying the progress and it is work worth doing if I can then save some people and be totally free with myself.

Maybe one day I will be talking about all this openly but I'm not at that stage yet, I still need to overcome the addiction completely and I haven't given up on it, I won't give up. Its been about maybe a month since last PMO partly because I'm sick so its easy for me but even then the most time I watch porn usually is like once every 4-6 days now MAX and I keep the sessions quick. Huge progress from the 2+ hours daily edging that I used to do back then.

I find slow progress is best, I'm not beating myself up for going back to it anymore, the regret just makes me watch more, I just get straight back to trying to abstain again. I focus on overall porn usage diminished over time rather than doing 90 days, binging for a week straight, than trying all over again. I haven't binge watched porn in years. I don't count days because this is not some challenge to me, it is not driven by ego and I'm not attached to the streaks that I get, I'm just attached to the overall constant progress, and I can say I've been winning. I'm not saying that the 90 days method is wrong but I find that it has a huge crash when you get back to 0 and feel like your world just crumbled. I prefer slow consistent progress over time.
And if I could add another one, finding a women you love would be necessary I think. That's always been a huge problem for me.
That's what we're born to do is be with another women a procreate, that's one of our purpose and need.

Now I know what to do, I'll just have to follow my own advice.
NON-NEGOTIABLE wake up time
4:30 am

choose one and stick with it
I know its hard, I know you don't wanna get out of bed but it must be done

Do you respect a man who wakes up early or a man who sleeps in?
Thats not even a question

The wake up time is a necessary small win to start the day right
you woke up on Time?
thats a win!
you took your shower?
thats a small win
you did your work out?
another win

you just stacked 3 wins and it aint even 6 am, some people are still sleeping and you feel fucking great because while their tired ass are looking miserable you got a great pump and got 3 wins under your belt already, you just gotta keep going all day, then start again the next day.

Thats the main goal.
Living a purpose oriented lifestyle is living a goal oriented lifestyle, and thats what were chasing.

Living a pleasure oriented lifestyle is what we've been doing and it hasn't been working well for us has it?
Watching porn, eating junk food, sleeping in, smoking weed, snorting coke, drinking alcohol, doing ketamine, doing ecstasy, vaping DMT, doing shrooms, tripping balls on acid, seeking hookers, seeking tranny hookers, seeking gloryholes? yep, seeking orgies and gangbangs, smoking cigars, smoking pipes, smoking shrooms? yep... seeking women only for hookups... not finding women my age and seeking younger women but realizing that they're still kids even at 18 and I'm doing something wrong... Binging youtube, netflix, playing video games all day

All habits I used to do and more, All habits that are degenerate and considered pleasure chasing.
Things that I don't regret but I don't want to do anymore, I'm past this stage of my life, or almost
I still have problems with video games and porn but other than that everything else is pretty much under control now and I'm doing way better.

But there ain't gunna be no going back, I don't wanna go back, I'm on the good path.

And in the end all those pleasure are nothing compared to the pleasures of self improovement
Do you really think I'd be doing all those efforts if getting high all day was more fun?
FUCK NO! I'd choose doing drugs all day if it REALLY was more pleasurable but its not
Its like candy, it tastes great for awhile until its starts rotting your teeths

Theres something more to this life
Something necessary if you want to go from a boy to a man

Attained to DISCIPLINE

Hard work, but work you should learn to enjoy
It ain't gunna be easy, but was life ever easy anyway?

In fact life will be WAY harder and WAY more painfull if you keep seeking pleasure all the time
Choose purpose over pleasure

Make your family proud, show them how its done, do what the average man is not doing to be better than average
Feeling really good today
Better than I felt in a long ass time
Fasting helped with that, also the facts that I'm doing the right things everyday and keeping a tight schedule with no deviation makes me feel proud

I went hiking in a somewhat hungry fasted state and the natural high that I felt was similar that what I used to experience on LSD
Being high on life is not a joke its really something that exists and you should aim for
You have to have many things right in order for that to happen but its totally worth it
Each effort you make is worth it, even though sometimes you might loose hope, know that all your efforts will not be wasted and will be rewarded

Instead of trying to obtain more, try removing things for your life
There's nothing that you will obtain that will permanently fix your life, the greatest feeling is actually the journey on attaining your best self that is the most enjoyable
Sure when you get a 6 pack its nice to show it off, but all the days that were hard and you sacrificed all the junk food to look and feel good for,
these days start being more enjoyable the more you move forward

All these vices we're using to make us feel better are like shitty band aids on an infected wound
Sure you feel better about it and it hides it a little for awhile but the wound is not fixed, it keeps getting worse underneath
And even worse, it makes you have a dopamine crashes that fuck up your whole mood

You know whats worse than heroin? Porn is. why? Its free, you can access it anywhere, its not viewed as bad by most people, i crashes your dopamine just like heroin and even WORSE, it makes you feel a LOT of shame that you carry on throughout your day.

Why do you carry shame? because you know you're not supposed to do that shit, you're supposed to get a real woman but you're not able to so you settle for something less when you should be adressing the issue. You're cheating the system and you know it.

Hey why do even bother chasing women if I can see more women than anyone has ever seen for free?
Sure you can't but at what cost? Sure it doesn't cost any money but it's gunna cost you your best self, your best life, and alot of guilt and shame and the feeling of a dopamine crash. Like any other drug

You're conscience is gunna catch up to you man, you can numb it all you want for awhile but it will catch up to you and you'll want to kill yourself or be really depressed.
Not talking to everyone here but to those who need to hear it, if it doesn't apply to you ignore it but do NOT forget this.

If you want to feel good you have to get rid of EVERYTHING you're ashamed of or know you should not do, its not worth doing those things in the end, karma will catch up to you.

Even if its something small like eating junkfood.
You could say to me "who gives a fuck its not gunna bother anyone, everyone does it" but its not the right way to think about this.
You have to show the example to the people around you of whats the best way to live, of the right and wrong.
If people that respect you a lot see you eating that shit they're gunna think its okay but you know its not.
You're doing them harm, leading them the wrong way, a way of addiction that could lead to obesity and many more health problems.

Would you let your kids know you watch porn? would they be proud of you? could you be mad at them for watching it if YOU watch it?
Fuck no, no one is going to listen to you if you don't embody the things you preach
If a fatty tells you to get a six pack you'll probably ignore him but if someone with a six ass six pack tells you you should get one you'll probably more receptive to hear what he's gunna say

Its not all about you, when you learn and apply that is when you start to become a man
You gotta think not only of yourself but how your actions influence everybody else around you

Quit your vices and make your people proud, get rid of everything that brings shame to your life
Heal yourself, than teach others to do the same
You have your part to do in this world
You can have real impact on people around you, just like those words might be having an impact on your life right now

You can touch positively way more people than you think you can
There is not limit to how much good you can do in this world, you just have to put a bit of work in, work that you will enjoy or learn to

Go ahead and live like a legend, let them remember your name
Let the world cry when the time of your death come and people say, this man was a good man, this is what every man should aim to be

There is no time for weakness anymore, times and getting though and we need you, we need good men to fight against all the evil that came from men being weak.

Lead the way for your people, show them that good men are not all gone.
Speak your voice loud and proudly with no shame because you KNOW you're doing the right thing

I will not be silenced by evil people, the light with shine on all their sins and they will pay for what they have done, but its not your job to make them pay, your job is only to be your best self and give it away to the world. Karma will handle the rest, its a law of the universe that no one escapes in the end.

I've never been a religious man but I believe that god is behind me on this one, the universe has my side and even though theres a possibility that it might not be true, I think its better to live life believing this.
Even though there might not be heaven and hell, its better to live life as if it was true.

Because ultimately you will pay the price of your bad actions on this earth just as you will be rewarded with your good ones too.
Good morning
Feels good to wake up before the sun
Walking outside and getting fresh air at 5:30, looking at the stars alone and walking down the dark empty streets
You know you're most likely the first one to go outside on your street or neighborhood

I never used to be a morning person until recently
I learned to enjoy it a lot even though it was hard at first

Right now I'm perfecting my morning routine,
I've got my wake up time set at 4:30, I never get up later than that and get up immediately to take a shower
I don't hit the snooze button, I put my alarm far away from my bed so that I have no choice but to get up to turn it off anyway
Its so much easier than having to negotiate with yourself every morning
I just rip the band aid off and get straight to it

I usually go straight on the computer until 5:30, when I go take a walk, but I realize that its not a good habit
I'm trying to change that into a better one right now like reading or focusing on quotes but I have to be able to do it everyday

I'm calculating everything I eat by volume, I use a measuring cup so its doesn't take that long and allows me to track everything
I'm trying to control my weight so that I'm loosing about 2 pounds a week until I get properly shredded
Losing more than 2 pounds a week will probably make me loose more muscle than I want to,
And loosing fewer than 2 pounds a week is not really motivating for me to see results

I'm doing a lot of cleaning recently, help me build my mindset and feel good
Its like a cycle that leads to more and more satisfaction and dopamine but from good habits from what I understand
Theres a video on this that Jordan Peterson dropped not long ago, where he talk about this with a neuroscientist
Interesting stuff I would advise anyone to watch this, or at least from 1:09 till the end, he talks about porn too a bit on there also

This is why Jordan Peterson always says make your bed, clean your room, its because its starts a positive cycle of dopamine that escalades to you doing more and more things that are similar throughout the day, and its exponential

Thats the best thing to start with if you're in a rut, just start cleaning everything, shaving, brushing your teeth, fasting
Its good for you and makes you feel good and proud about yourself
Then you're in a much more positive state of mind to approach every challenge that life throws at you
Speak up!
speak up speak up speak up speak up speak up speak up speak up SPEAK UP!
Let your voice be heard
Let your words be read
Create a journal
Your words matter
The world needs to hear what you have to say

Theres nothing worse than what the media is putting out there and they're not ashamed about it
Then why should you be ashamed of saying what is right?

They have no shame saying what is wrong
Show courage and say what is RIGHT

People need to hear it
People need the truth
They need to know they're not alone
They need to know they're not crazy

Soothe their pain and inspire them, you have a duty to do so.
I feel better than I ever felt
Abstinence and fasting really gives you superpower
I'm fucking godly right now
More energy, more focus, more confidence
Thats what we were born to feel like

Feeling like this I'm not even thinking about sex
It makes me wanna hold on to my nut
Haven't busted in more than 3 weeks
Still on a flatline created by covid though but its not really a flatline is it

Its just that when you're sick you don't wanna jerk off or think about sex because your body is fighting a virus
Anyway thats a positive from being a little sick, I don't have to worry about any urges

Might even too confident if thats even possible, I feel like a cocky fucking bastard
Shit went sideways yesterday
Kicked some holes in the wall
Smashed a glass on the ground
Fucked up my door

The rage didn't stop for 4 hours
I had a hard time controlling myself at that point

I've been doing my best for the last 3 weeks
Doing everything, being my best man
But no appreciation has been shown to me, only negativity

I forgave them
And tried again
But it lead to the same exact result
Which now made me even angrier
they won't change

It will probably end up in me cutting off everybody from my life
I've already cut off pretty much all my friends, and my brothers
Now my parents will be next
I can still feel the negativity in the house
And and can't help but feel I did this

Sure it was instilled in me by other people
But I'm the one who just fucking lost it
I couldn't take it anymore
It just boiled the fuck over man

I put the negativity back on other people
And it felt good in the moment
Not sure if I could say I regret it because in some way I feel they deserved it
But I'm paying some karma for it
I can feel the suffering that I put out coming back to me

And I don't like it
At all

I don't feel good
I don't feel like cutting everyone from my life but I don't see any other options
People don't change

I feel a coldness, a loneliness inside
A part of me just want to be left alone but an other part feels like shit about it

I once tried leaving everyone behind and going my own way and had the same feeling
Like I needed to go back home
Maybe having really cold relations with people is what is best for me
Giving them nothing

You can't really not feel appreciated if you don't give anything
If you don't expect nothing in return

I don't feel like meeting new people
It leaves me vulnerable for disappointment
I just feeling like cutting everyone loose
But the pain is hard to bear

I've cut off a few people in my life and have no regrets about it
They've cause me so much pain I actually felt better

I feel like I should just leave as soon as I can
Take a break from people
Not make any final decision yet
Get rid of all the city noises that fuck with my head
I'm rarely alone in silence to think properly
I think it is very normal that your reboot is removing that numb feeling, that veil in front of our eyes, so our emotions will be more active. And yes, those emotions can be happy or angry, or as we feel it now: badass happy or dangerously angry. That will get better over time. Your emotions will become more stable. Some guys here say that they have panic attacks and I´ve also felt some light agressivity while doing the reboot, I think it is all that same release of emotion. You´re on such a good path now, so take deep breaths and know that the emotion-explosions will get better.
Went on a walk this morning through the cemetery while it was still dark
It smelled like death and pine trees
Its one of the few places where I can be alone and where its quiet

I'm thinking more and more through the years that living in the city is not good for me
Too much noise, too much people, too much light at night
I like the total darkness of early mornings
The absence of noise and light
Thats the moment I can attain a high level of peace and clarity

Theres is just too much going on to really reflect these days
Noise everywhere, people everywhere, ads, countless youtube videos
It grabs you and you can't think clearly
You loose touch with your true essence, what you're supposed to be and think about

Time you can think about your future, about life, about being grateful to be alive
Visited the grave of a 9 years old boy a couple months back
He didn't get to live his life, yet here I am living mine
I should appreciate it more, we all should

Babies, dying at birth
Given no chance at all
Its not fair, but thats life
No matter how hard your situation is, know that thousands if not millions had it harder than you and made it

Life is rough sometimes but its more than worth living, we sometimes take it for granted
We think we have all the time in the world to waste but we don't
We're slowly dying everyday, so better make the most of it
We'll have eternity to rest, but once your life is gone there is no coming back

I'm still having trouble facing the fact that I will die, and will then probably stop existing for eternity
I recount many feelings of despair thinking about this deeply, crying in the shower
Its a hard thing to swallow, when you don't have beliefs in the afterlife
Went to the cemetery again
Its that time of the year, when things die and the leaves fall
Halloween is a celebration of those things kind of

I think its important to face your fears
Just walking through the cemetery when its dark is not scary to me anymore
But I sometimes think I see stuff moving in there and it brings little spikes of fear once or twice
That means there is still work to be done

Conquering you fear of everything is a good habit
Fear of judgement, fear of social situations, fear of asking a girl out
Its all fear so the more you face it the better you get at facing your fears
Don't wait till its too late to attack problems
One of my biggest mistakes
Enduring things
I was too tolerant

If you tolerate something today be ready to tolerate it EVERYDAY
I tolerated someone spreading negativity, swearing everyday for YEARS
We just had a HEATED conversation to explain to him that this was NOT okay

Hit them HARD with the truth, make them understand
Don't go "hey it would be really kind of you if you could not do that"
It probably won't work

Hit them hard the first time, until they stop
DON'T give up until they stop if you really believe they're doing something wrong or something that bothers you
This advice will save you a lot of pain in the future
Grab your nuts and fucking go tell them right away

FUCK being tolerant of things you should be tolerant of
It just leads to so much more pain for you, FIX SHIT before it grows