Shemale Addiction

Didn't use the computer when I woke up
Just sat for 30-40 mins drinking water thinking about stuff instead

Binging youtube video is one of my vice that I didn't address
And now that all my other vices are gone this one vice gets bigger

I also need to find meaningful work during the day
I'm done doing jobs that mean nothing to me
spending my life just making money to survive
Fuck that
Tried it and it made me fucking suicidal

I'd rather sit on my ass all day or even better work on my habits and self improvement than work for some punk I don't respect doing work I don't believe makes a difference

Most people are just satisfied with a meaningless job and live only to uses vices on the weekend
Fuck that

I'm not the average guy, I don't wanna be the average guy, I want a meaning to this life, I want to use all my time well and have no regret when I die
Feeling like shit
caught another virus I think I got no energy and very tired even after sleeping like 17 hours
Tried moving a bit but it just drains me

Talking of draining I drained my balls in what felt like a chore in this morning
Hadn't busted in awhile and my balls were hurting so I needed to release
I didn't even enjoy it one bit, I just wanted to get it over with
Didn't watch porn or anything, don't even have a slight urge of watching it also
When you're not well you don't even think about those things

I was so fucked yesterday I kinda lost my cool and did a whole bunch of mess
Things are not going so well with the family either because of that
Missed my 4:30am wake up time also which is the only thing I had going on pretty much
Not that I give a shit about that at the point I'm at
I'm back to the 4:30 am wake up
I ain't not quitter
I know what's gunna happen if I go back to being a total degenerate again and I'm not willing to go there again
I can't do that
There is no going back
I'm gunna keep doing this even if its the only thing I do

I need to focus on my purpose again
Find out what I can do in the fucked up state that I'm in to slowly work towards it

Because when you get everything thats bad out of your life and don't fill the empty space with good habits
then there is other garbage that fill out the blanks
Didn't wake up on time
went to sleep at 2am instead of my regular 9pm

was too bloated to sleep
my digestive system is fucked
couldn't go to the bathroom
the virus does that

I even thought I might have a tumor or some shit in my stomach
But probably not
Will probably not eat today cause I can't seem to be able to shit
Will also try to walk more I've been sitting too much that doesn't help

I had a dream about shemales
I looked up shemales escort out of curiosity to see if I was still attracted but I don't seem to be
At least to the ones that I saw
I got to get out of this fantasy and realize, really realize that they're not women but just a trick, traps
I've started doing so already and lost attraction because of that a bit

Sure I'm still attracted but not to the point of seeking some in real life right now

Been watching a lot of horror movies
other peoples pain make me feel better about mine

Theres also been a lot of nudity in those movies so thats why the wet dream started again
but I have zero desires for sex

But I still find regular women really attractive right now even though I'm on a flatline

I also watched videos about the great depression
I envy how close people were to each other
I'm pretty much alone at all times even with my small family around
alone even in the company of people

People were meant to be together, now we're more isolated than ever before
When I have a family I'll make sure to do it right and be close to them like it should be

Watched a video recap of the Joker yesterday
Its a shame that a lot of people feel like him

Most men don't have anyone to help them
They're on their own
You either make it or you don't

They don't see your pain, they treat you like your fine but you're just a looser but you have deeper problems
But telling people doesn't help it actually makes it worse because then you really know that they know but that they just don't care
But its okay, I don't need them to, I'm strong enough now I can take it, I will survive.

There were days that I didn't think I could take it
Days that I was at the point where I was asking for help which is a rare thing in itself
But the help never came, I could not find anybody for help
I had to go through that pain alone, it was hard for a long time, I didn't think things would get better but they did
Not much but they did, to the point where life was worth living again

Now I don't try to walk away from the pain, I don't have bad thoughts about the pain
It has no use, because now I'm stronger than most I can suffer alone in silence
I just keep getting stronger the more pain and suffering is thrown at me

I'll try to help people overcome their suffering when I get better
I'm just trying to find a way to do that somehow
That will give meaning to my life
Got back from the walk
I realized something

People are so fucking miserable
Not everybody but man... the people I saw walking
I feel like they had no soul, like life took it right out of them

Everybody with shades, old and weak
people with masks, people afraid
I'm better off than 99% of those people
I'm one of the lucky ones
and I'm grateful for that

Still have pain in stomach
But its my fault I ate stuff I wasn't supposed to
I sought pleasure through food and paid the price later
A heavy price
A price that is so not worth it

Like all other vices, drugs, alchohol

You will trade your soul for it
You will sacrifice love for it
And you'll end up alone with your soft dick in your hand

Truth is hard to swallow
Most people choose to live a lie
But I'm not those people
And if you're here then you ain't also
You still have a brain which seeks to resolved issues
You ask questions, not being afraid to find what is true

You refuse to live a lie
A life of desperate meaningless pleasure chasing that has no depth
A life filled with shame and regret

Choose to be proud, proud of yourself and every action you take because you believe in them
There is no other way to live
Feeling alright
I mean I still feel like I have a cannonball in my stomach and haven't taken a shit in about 3 days but still

Just talked to the old man by the river for a few hours
he's always there sitting on a bench
especially on sunny days like today
It helped me, getting a good walk, some sun and some talking
Thats all you really need most times

Don't talk to my family much and will plan to keep it that way
I already feel better mentally not talking to them

I only give short one word answers when possible
It lets them know I won't be taking any of their shit anymore
I love watching women run
The way they run is just as important as how they look, even more

I tells me a lot about them
It can either make me completely turned off even if they're physically attractive

It tells me if they're confident in themselves, if they like their body, if they have a good posture

There nothing more attractive then if she's just flowing freely and shaking her hips left and right naturally
It tells me all I need to know, then it becomes just about if she looks decent and if we connect

Its really rare for me to even really want to be with a women
I wouldn't want to be with 99,9% of women out there so its really hard for me to find someone

My attraction towards women has really grown back now that I've been abstaining
Its a good thing that I've been sick so that I have no desire for sex
because now I can see its not just about sex its beyond just that

Also its really easy to abstain so I'm just getting a forced easy reboot for free

I'm using this time for deep reflection and fasting, figuring out the best next move and thinking about my future and what I really want, getting cleaned up and cleaning my relations, or basically deleting most of them, I'm getting used to it

Healing my body and connecting with my higher self
physically getting rid of everything in my body, fat , even some some muscle but I'm still working out trying to maintain most of it

I'd rather be healthy than be unhealthy and big and feel like shit with a bunch of muscle just to boost my ego, fuck that shit
But I'll try to do both, the most muscle with the least body fat and a clean diet cause thats the ideal
I'll be the ideal, I'm working towards it every day in different ways
Thats what we should all aim at
Went to bed at 1am
stomach was fucked up

still managed to wake up at 4:30
I almost bitched the fuck out but chose not to
also went walking to the cemetery on an empty stomach like I usually do

It was cold as fuck and I got scared for a moment yesterday doing that
Its funny how the day before was fine but now that its colder you get scared more easily
Probably because fear is linked to danger and its more dangerous when the weather is cold

I thought about going to the complete back of the cemetery to see the creepy ass fucking statue grave I saw the other day but pussied out
That statue is small but fucking creepy as shit it gives me chills down my spine just thinking about it

I'm gunna try to be productive today, get back on track and do a little work around the house,
Rake the leaves a shit one last time
Try to push past the lack of energy

I'm using it as an excuse to not do shit I think but its also not really true because it really is fucking me up
Still, its still not an excuse to do fuckall all day

This is a test, a test which challenges me to thrive when things are not going my way
When the motivation is not there and I could just keep doing nothing
I'll give an effort to try to get back on track today
Doing better
grateful just not to be in pain
something we take for granted until its taken away

I'm thinking of how I could help people with their pain
instead of thinking about attaining selfish desires which mean nothing to me

I just looked up shemale escorts to see if I still was attracted
I had no attraction towards any of them

I went to check shemale porn and there was some kind of attraction for a few of them but I could see better now
I'm not as completely brainwashed as before, I see them more as men trying to be women now and its creeping me out with most

Instead of making myself believe they're women with dicks like before just so I can get pleasure from them
I think its not healthy or right to do that kind of stuff. Its not authentic, its like tricking the system.

Because I don't like men, I'm not gay, if I was or bi-sexual things would be simpler but I'm not
I'm a straight man who is trying to be with a women and have a familiy, thats it.
Watching shemale stuff brings me shame a bit and I don't think its healthy for me and my relationships.
Halloween morning
Saw someone in the cemetery this morning with a flashlight coming towards me
I thought it was security so a headed back towards the cemetery and waited for him but he never came

I kinda got scared a little, I didn't want him to come tell me I can't come here so I tried avoiding him
But maybe I was too much a pussy to face him
I probably would have scared the shit out of him if it was not security but thinking back on it it probably wasn't
Fuck, I missed a good chance of scaring the shit out of someone on halloween

Next time though, whoever this is I'll try heading directly towards them
Because if its security, then I know they'll come for my ass eventually so might as well face them and if its not I'll make them scared which is something I enjoy. I think its good for you when people are scared of you because they respect you, you respect what you fear.

Also I'm facing my own fear of scaring people, so that I become completely fearless, thats the ideal.
You still have to be smart and not get yourself in situations which could get you killed but I'm not doing anything dangerous right now so I don't think it will be a problem.

I mean I'm still heading towards somebody in a cemetery while its dark and don't know who it is so he could stab me but I doubt its gunna happen. He wouldn't attack me first for no reason... most likely
Haven't been doing much
Pretty sick and tired both literally and not literally

I will try to find better things to do than just go on youtube all day

I've been keeping away from all vices including porn, and eating clean
But I need something to fill out my days

I lack purpose
I need something that I think is worth doing
Started doing free online courses
Good thing to do if you're not doing much

Watched tranny porn yesterday
It started with naked scenes in some horror movies, then attractive girls on the youtube front pages
Then I said I'll just watch a asmr video just to get that comforting/healing feminine vibe from a woman
Then by that time I couldn't sleep its all I was thinking about

I also checked trans escorts about 3 times lately to see if I was still attracted but they were no attractive ones on there
Its like I wanted to check if I was still attracted or not to them
I'm less attracted to them in real life cause I know what they are now but it doesn't mean I'm less attracted to the porn

Its still what I went looking for instead of anything else
Its what gives me the most dopamine

I still think I'd fuck a shemale if there was an attractive one
I don't ever think this attraction is something that will go away ever
I'm not sure if I would even want it to go away
I'm alright with it even though it brings a bit of shame and its a bit fucked up
I have no choice but to accept who I've become

Still I'm not actively seeking shemales, I'm looking for a meaningfull connection with a woman now
Yet I still am clueless on how to achieve that
Maybe become more social would be a good step, putting myself in places where I could meet women
I'm more isolated right now than I've ever been before

I'm not even sure I'd be fit for a relationship right now, but maybe in a few months so I'll think of a few ways to be more social
Painfully depressed and bored
Can't think of a single thing I would enjoy doing right now
No energy and feeling like trash
I'll try forcing myself to do a small workout and slap myself in the face with cold water pretty soon
Feeling pretty good
Rainy day but still

The recent isolation helped me but too much isolation and not enough time outside is not really good for me
or anyone

I must spent more time outside and around people
We were not meant to be indoors and alone

The sun yesterday and talking to people outside did me good

Haven't had any thoughts about jerking off or watching porn really but still its easy for me since I'm always flatlining

But the things I see on my home page is still triggering, I doubt I'd survive if I was actually not flatlining
Thumbnails about no nut November and shit... like they're trying to make you relapse

But I guess the internet was made in part for porn when you think about it
Well from what I understand and heard, even Jordan Peterson talked about this

You can't blame porn for existing, you can't blame it for the pleasure it gave you
Its just like any other vice, its not because you're done with it that other people are ready to stop using it

Its not because I'm done with weed that weed should be illegal, or fast food
They should not be encouraged or normalized but its up to us to make the right choice
I feel like I've been wasting my days
I have

But I'm lost on what I should be doing
Seems like nothing matters to me but my purpose and having a family
I think thats why everything else is just not that attracting
But how do I make it happens? who knows

I just know I'll go out the house and try to make the most of this day
There nothing else I can do
I noticed you´ve been doing the 4:30 am training. What do you do in those early mornings? Meditation? Sports? Reading?
I wake up, take a shower, drink a cup of hot water,
Then I usually just go on the computer while I'm waking up until 5:30 then I go take a 40-50 min walk outside

Going on the computer right away is not ideal but I'm trying to change that into something else, something I could do everyday that is healthier for me than going straight to the computer