Shemale Addiction

My digestion has been fucked, so fucked I stopped waking up at 4:30 because I couldn't sleep because of it
I would use enemas cause I can't even shit

Now I'm doing a fast to heal myself
At about 3pm I will be 2 days (48 hours) into the fast
I'm planning on doing 5 days
Most I did was 3 days

Maybe I will do more than 5 days but I don't know, lets just aim for 5

I'm doing a water fast
Which means I only drink water, or tea is also acceptable because there is no calories in it

I also just drank 1 liter of warm salt water with 2 teaspoons and a half of salt in it
I chugged it in 3 shots, it tasted disgusting
Its to clean your digestive system, its called a salt water flush
You can check this guy Rob Stuart on youtube if you want to know more about it

I'm also going to alternate between salt water flush and coffee enemas or maybe salt water enema I don't know yet
He advises to do some coffee enemas but I find that the salt water really cleans me up harder

I'm supposed to have the shits pretty soon because of the salt water I chugged, maybe I will maybe I won't who knows
My stomach is pretty empty anyway and I've been fasting so it might not work
But then again they suggest doing in early in the morning on an empty stomach

Not sure it will have any cleansing effect if I don't take a shit, couldn't find out
Its supposed to cleanse your colon from toxins and help with constipation

I'll let you guys updated on the fast
For now feeling pretty good, ain't doing much and can't really do much while fasting because you will get drained easily

I pretty much take a short walk everyday and thats my activity
I can feel a small high that you feel when fasting, an acute sense of smell and vision
I have a pretty bad headache but still going
Its hard to keep going when you can smell the food and hear people eat in the kitchen
I just want to eat a big old burger, or just drink a coffee
But I know its not the right thing to do
I must do the right thing

This can translate to porn, or being promiscuous
You want to jerk off, you want to sleep with a lot of women
But you know you shouldn't

Its like Jesus in the desert, being tempted by the devil
But he choose the right thing, he refused to let his temptations take the best of him

Since about a year ago I've been studying christianity
Its a religion I used to laugh at and find pathetic when I was young
But recently I've learned how much good there is in it and I'm slowly more and more embracing it
I also looked at Islam but being from the west I feel it wouldn't be authentic to me
Even though Islam is more respected

The west also has been feminizing Jesus and making look like a bitch and I think that is wrong
Jesus is supposed to be the ideal man, and I think he was
Doing what is right and suffering, even dying for what you believe in is a manly thing
Saying no to temptations and being in control

We're being tempted with porn just like Jesus was tempted in the desert by satan
We must learn to say no and resist the temptation

I will try to resist the temptation of food for 3 more days
5 days total is the goal, I will then be allowed to eat
I will then try 6 on my next prolonged fast
Working slowly my way up

I will be discouraged if I'm already aiming at 6 or 7 right now so lets do 5 days for now
5 days is still a big deal for me right now as I never went this long without food
The sweet smell of food is torturing me right now, but writing about it helps me hold my word
I will keep you guys updated on the fast and be honest if I fail or not
The sweet taste of food
how I took it for granted
A warm soup would probably make me cry right now
Cold watermelon
A juicy meaty burger with cheese on it ketchup and mustard

But for now I must suffer again tomorrow, then the day after I will be allowed to eat again
I can smell food from a mile away now
My sense of smell is as acute as it ever has been
The smell is pleasureful but also teasing and torturing as well

If I could only lick the salty skin of a crispy chicken
take a bite of a very small tomato
But I know I will regret it so I will not eat
I must complete the challenge
Gain more mental strength

Tomorrow is the last day without food
I'm gunna make it (probably...)

Pink rose beef with some gravy on it, fries, warm crispy and tender...
some kfc chicken with macaroni salad...

If you think quitting porn is hard try quitting eating
Jesus... raw salmon with some soy sauce would make me jizz my pants
Have a hard time walking up the stairs at this point
last day of fasting today thank fucking god
I wanted to eat some fruits tomorrow but I don't know if I'll have the strength to walk to the store

Still have a light headache
Its probably because my body is digesting its own trash and used cells
I'll start doing omad probably soon after this fast is over to get rid of the rest of the body fat

Being smaller as a human makes you live longer
I've looked up some stuff about that yesterday
You even look younger when you loose wheight

So the goal is going to be to get rid of almost all the bodyfat
then build muscle slowly back without gaining any body fat back

Yes I will look smaller a bit but really shredded so thats good
Feeling pretty good
Took a long time but damn I really needed that fast
My digestive system is in a way better shape
I kept forcing food down for years trying to gain more muscle mass

Now I have pretty much all the muscle mass I wanted so I'm good
I don't think I'll ever get really bulky its just too much on the digestive system
I'll keep things healthy and proper, abs year round if I can

Things are gunna take a turn for the best I think from now on
I can see the light at the end of all this suffering I've been through lately
I will make it and come out a stronger man than 99% of people on the other end
lets fucking go
Tomorrow we feast
bacon, eggs, watermelon, berries, fresh warm buttery bagels, cold raw slices of salmon,
baked potatoes, dark chocolate, salad and chicken, man I can't wait
I've been tortured long enough its time to nourish my body again and I'm looking forward to it
I think I deserved it,
I'll eat before going grocery shopping or I'll end up just buying everything in the damn store
Yesterday was torture
I was checking food videos for like 4 hours straight
This morning I ended the fast
In theory I should have ended it at 3 pm but fuck it its good enough
I gotta be able to walk to the store too

The point of the fast wasn't really to show off (alright a little bit..)
But then again some random dude will do like a 14 days fast so mine is not that extreme to be honest

The point of this was mainly to heal my gut, then also strengthen me mentally which it did alot when I was losing my mind thinking about food for the last two days

This morning I thought I was gunna orgasm eating this pea soup but it just tasted like salty water at first
Then it just tasted pretty normal after that
Last time I did a 2 day fast and the same soup tasted godly
Weird how this didn't happen again

Oh well, I was mostly looking for energy anyway not the pleasure of eating it that much
I have to be careful with what I eat from now on so its probably a good thing it doesn't taste too good
I would have probably gone on a food binge buying crazy foods then eating way too much and regretting it
Binged on food alot yesterday almost till I puked
Tried not to but maybe my body needed calories also

It quickly became like porn, binging food porn for hours
Food...Its an addiction just like the others man gotta be careful
Thats why theres so much obesity in diabetes these day
Processed food has a lot to do with this

Personally I've cut almost all processed foods from my life and proud of it
And when I eat food its barely processed or I check the ingredients to make sure what in it

You gut and you brain is closely link, so if you eat shit you'll probably feel like shit and live a shorter life also
Having a strict diet also makes you more disciplined and purposed over pleasure oriented 3 times a day
Sickness is pretty much gone I think
Been sick for 130+ days and fasting took care of the problem
It prooves the healing power of fasting

That also means that my sex drive is coming back
I had a dream about shemales last night
3 of them

I was thinking today about if my attraction was completely created by porn or if its something thats inside of me
Hard to tell at this point

I'm also thinking about right and wrong, is it wrong to like shemales? well its also hard to tell
In one way its not really harming anybody to be sexually attracted to them but in another way they are kind of abnormal in the natural world

They have been created by man more than created by god, but then man was created by god, so can man's creation be wrong? especially if deforming something natural? And is liking that unnatural things perverse and wrong?

Most trans women are really not attractive to me and I think are kind of perverse and wrong
But the ideal trans women to me is simply a woman with a cock
Not a man that looks exactly like a woman which still has a cock

I will never be able to fully enjoy being with a tranny because it can never be what I want it to be
It will never be a woman

But some of them might come pretty close

My attraction will never go away, just like an heroin addict's addiction
You can never undo these neurological pathways, only maybe weaken them and even then,
They will always be there

And I don't think I would them to go away either, I think some shemales really are beautiful, even if they're not women
Half men half women is something in the middle and I think it should exist, even though its not really natural

The first time I saw a t-girl in real life 'she' was really beautiful
I was fascinated at looking at her because it was a girl with a dick to me
I mean the way she talked was just like a women, I couldn't tell the difference, but she has a dick also
Mindblowing stuff but impressing...

I think the whole turning little boys into women when they're young just because they feel like a girl is wrong
A lot of parents are abusing children and taking things too far.
But if its really what they want for real, I see no problem in them doing changes to their body if it makes them feel better.
And I see nothing wrong about people being attracted to those people, because they need love too, maybe even more than anybody else.

Sure I don't really love shemales, I'm only attracted to them but, I like some of them so liking is close to loving in a way.
Anyway... maybe I'm just thinking way too far about this

Just thinking about if I'm doing something wrong, and what is right and wrong when it comes to sexual attractions, or indulging in your sexual attractions. Being attracted to something can't be wrong because you have no choice over it, but indulging in them is different, because we all know some of them are wrong like when it comes to children or rape and other stuff like that.
The only problem I would see with shemale attraction would be if you're seeking trannies in real life when you have a partner.
Other than that if if you're using sex to have children and procreate like we were meant to be, then I don't see a problem with it.

But then again you would indulge in your addiction through porn for pleasure, which could bring you shame maybe if you feel bad about it so that could be a bad thing, or if you abuse it. Or if you end up seeking a real life shemale in the future... many things can go wrong
I've thought about it more and I do think it is wrong. Because my conscience was letting me know the whole time until I became desensitized to it. They say the conscience is the authentic voice of god, and I tend to believe that. God didn't create transexuals, he created males and females so we can complement each other and procreate.
That is how its supposed to be.

I don't like shemales for what they are, I like them for what I want them to be, its a fantasy... its a trap... litterally
But I choose to live in the fantasy world and ignore what my conscience was telling me, because I was gaining pleasure from it.

Yesterday I watched trans porn (I watch porn maybe once a month these days) and something happened
I would still get hard but after a few minutes I actually switched to regular porn

Its like my brain is registering and taking what I'm thinking into account when it comes to my attraction.
Same thing with shemale escorts, I'm loosing attraction because I can see clearly now, I understand the mechanism behind all of it better.

Its a matter of letting yourself fooled for pleasure or facing reality for whats right when you think about it...
It can translate to real life with people living in what you call ''the matrix'' or the false reality they created for themselves

I'm not the one to create a false reality just because its easier or more pleasureful
I want to live life how it was supposed to be lived, with truth, reality, and in alignement with god and nature
Got no sex drive
No interest for anything
I'm completely numb and indifferent
I've been looking for answer for weeks on youtube, losing my fucking mind

Trying to find meaning, what the next step is for my life but with no answer
I can't think right anymore, this is fucked

Winter is coming, more depression if I don't fix this really soon
Fucking shithole

Gave up on my diet and wake up time as I no longer see the point or have the strength to keep at it anymore
eating like a fucking pig cause I don't have much else to do and can't stand to see myself looking small and weak
digestive system is pretty fucked and sore as shit cause I trained way too hard
its probably why I'm irritable as shit and can't sleep even though I'm tired
I spend 10-12 hours a day on youtube or netflix
I have no social interactions and am becoming socially awkward
I don't see friends anymore
Without the computer I am nothing, I have nothing I do nothing
My life is empty and without a purpose
I survive only the false sense of accomplishment the internet gives me, just trying to waste time so I can end the day quickly
using youtube just I would use any addiction

Like I was trying to fast forward my life until I reach death
I say this with no emotion behind it because those are just facts
I'm not trying to sound pessimistic, I don't feel sorry for myself, but this is just what I do exposed to the surface
I don't feel much anyway, mostly just lack of feeling or emptiness, the way my life is empty
I got rid of my phone a couple months back
It was a good thing for me but now the addiction came back in the form of computer addiction
I can't get away from it
Getting rid of my phone was one of the best thing that happened to me

Getting rid of the computer will also do me some good I think
I'll still want to post on here and stuff, and look up some stuff so I don't know how I will make it happen

Maybe I'll go to the library each time I wanna use the computer
At least I'll be surrounded with people
I might wright journals on paper then re-write some of it on here, I don't know
Writing here helps me

I tried writing a personal journal that only me has access too but it doesn't feel the same
Its like I want to maybe help someone on here going through hard times
I want to leave some kind of legacy even though it might not be much

In a sense I'm creating something that will probably outlive me
Even though it will probably get lost and forgotten... like most people will
Porn addiction is actually TWO addiction combined
SEX addiction, and INTERNET addiction
Thats what makes it powerful

We've now discovered that porn is an addiction, even though most people watch it
But now I'm swallowing an even BIGGER red pill
Internet addiction... Who even mention internet as an addiction? Almost no one

Its time for us to wake the fuck up... I'm just starting to realize it and its an even bigger truth to swallow
I heard it once and I couldn't face it... I went back to using my computer, just like I'm doing now
But one day it must go...
When I'm strong enough

I don't expect you guys to understand yet but keep it in the back of your mind when you're wondering why something is wrong
When you start to feel depressed
When you realize you don't socialize like you used to
When you realize all your classes stopped being in person and only online
I feel like I've been watching other people's lives instead of living my own
Is it out of fear, boredom, addiction?
Probably its because I'm unable to have an interesting life of my own
Just like people who watch porn are unable to have an interesting sexual life of their own
Embrace suffering
God gives the hardest battles to his strongest soliders

All the pain you suffer through makes you stronger than most
It builds you

I wouldn't trade my suffering for anything because it makes me grow better and stronger than 99% of people
It humbles me and made me more kind to other people
I'm more patient with people because I understand their struggles and pain
I understand that they are flawed and they may be suffering

The fear of death during hard times made me appreciate life more
That every second we live should not be taken for granted
That you can get so a lot of pleasure and satisfaction from simple things like just taking a walk in the sun

The sun being a representation of god like it was for older civilisation, the eternal light that keeps on giving
A thing so huge and pouring with warmth, wasting about 6 million tons of gas a second through nuclear fusion to keep every living thing alive on this earth...
Thats about the quantity of all the great lakes in liquid gaz every 45 days from what I calculated

How lucky are we to even exist...
When some of us didn't even get the chance to take a step on this earth
Being aborted, dying before birth...
We live in great times no matter how bad it gets, don't take that for granted, I know I did

Go out there and be yourself, be honest, because we all die in the end and you should not care about what others think, be free and be yourself

I will try to go out and enjoy god's creation instead of only appreciating what man has made
Both can be beautiful but nature is more pure and beautiful than anything men can make I think
I hope this message can help someone in their darkest time
Took a walk and felt a next level of vibration, probably something you would call enlightenment
For a few moments I felt something really deep, like I was god or god was me
I felt this only one other time in my life
I felt also shy of experiencing this in public a little bit because I couldn't stop smiling/laughing

I feel like I had to hide it or stop it from coming out, I wish I was alone so I could have experienced it fully

I also feel like being alone allows me to fully be myself without anyone judging me and it allows me to evolve uninterrupted by people

This alone time has really been beneficial to me being my best most authentic self