Shemale Addiction

Saw a really beautiful women at the store today
Eastern woman
She didn't seem interested at all in me but I was feeling her energy very deeply
She had very feminine energy
I could feel it through her hand when I gave her the money

It was not sexual, mainly because I'm flatlining hard, but it was something else deeper, something spiritual even

She looked very tired from life, I should have told her she looked really nice
She didn't really look that beautiful... I mean kind of but her energy coming out of her was her real beauty
Sweet and feminine, in a low-key way but I was very sensitive to it so I noticed a lot.

Thats what I must listen to to find a women
Looks alone don't do it for me, its about the soul, the spirit, the look in a woman eyes that tells me everything I need to know
Real beauty is as much in the inside as the outside, I would even like a girl thats a little more beautiful inside than a girl who's really beautiful outside but ugly inside
 
You know, I've never had a girlfriend but I think its for the right reasons
I always had a 6th sense for women
I was never blinded by pussy like all my other friends were
Well actually at a certain period I let myself be blinded by it cause thats what everybody else was doing so I tried it and I didn't work out so well for me

I'm not saying I'm completely immune to being blinded by lust but I have a certain self-control and can see through a women pretty easily
Especially when she starts talking
Thats where I usually get completely turned off
And sometimes, though rarely the way she talks is just as attractive as her then it gets a little hot, I mean its harder for me to keep my cool

Just like the women at the store the other day, I was ungrounded, I lost my focus and couldn't really think straight
These are the only type of women I consider having a relationship with

If a women doesn't make a impact on me, if I actually have to THINK if I like her or not, then she's not the one for me.
If the attraction is there on both sides I think the eye contact happens on its own on both end
You end up looking at each other
You just can't help it, its what they call the RAS Reticular Activating System
A function in your brain that makes you focus on things that are valuable to you,

Each time I look at a women I look a her until I can dismiss her from being a potentiel partner for me
It usually takes half a second, maybe 2-3 seconds at most
But sometimes when she's beautiful and attractive and young it takes a little longer
I'm looking at reasons why she's not what I'm looking for so that I can move on but if I'm not able to do that then I'm having trouble moving on because that's somebody I could be in a relationship with potentially

I think most people do that unconsciously but its fun to think and see what goes on behind your thoughts sometimes

Anyway... I'm fine being alone for now... Been alone all my life but I want a family badly, and will want a women badly when my sex drives comes back to me. Testosterone is high since I started training more seriously again and sexual frustration is not so fun, even though I don't get envious when I see a beautiful women now, I just appreciate her beauty and smile.

Unlike before, when I wanted her so bad that I wanted to kill myself, now I just look and take it all in, just look at her and appreciate her beauty and the moment itself to the fullest with no thought behind it. Just like looking at a flower without the need to pick it and bring it home.

But being Isolated as I am I feel the need to put myself out there somewhere where I could potentially meet and that is very hard, I hate those dating sites and will not participate, I don't even have a phone anyway..

Maybe I'll just wait for god to deliver me my wife when the time is right
When everything else in my life will be right I think things might fall to their rightful place
For now I stay open to opportunities, without being desperate, or without rejecting either and I think thats a good place to be.
 

SimonM

Active Member
I was very similar to you back when I was single for a long time.

I did eventually find that it was nice to relax how critical I was a bit. I started sort of telling myself I didn't have anything to lose by just going for a coffee date with a few girls, and I then made an effort to ask some of them out. Most of that didn't go anywhere, and I think not putting pressure on yourself is really great - but it did help to not feel like it was just never gonna happen (which it did for a while)

Eventually I met my wife on a dating website and the fact that I was not desperate but not rejecting really helped. We hit it off right away and the rest is history lol. Interestingly I am not sure I would have ever asked her out if I didn't see her profile, and knowing then that she was looking to meet someone like me.
 
I was very similar to you back when I was single for a long time.

I did eventually find that it was nice to relax how critical I was a bit. I started sort of telling myself I didn't have anything to lose by just going for a coffee date with a few girls, and I then made an effort to ask some of them out. Most of that didn't go anywhere, and I think not putting pressure on yourself is really great - but it did help to not feel like it was just never gonna happen (which it did for a while)

Eventually I met my wife on a dating website and the fact that I was not desperate but not rejecting really helped. We hit it off right away and the rest is history lol. Interestingly I am not sure I would have ever asked her out if I didn't see her profile, and knowing then that she was looking to meet someone like mI
Interesting you could make a long term relationship work from dating websites. I kind of gave up on those. It felt like porn to me in a way, looking at different women. Also I thought of it as only for hook ups and for women who just wanted attention.

I might reconsider it now that I see you had success with it. In my mind I though quality women had it easy when it comes to finding partners but maybe not so much. I'm sure they have no problems just finding sexual partners but if they're seeking something serious I'm sure its harder for them.

Glad things worked out for you, but personally I still don't really feel much hope even though I've adapted to being alone, I feel a hole in my life from never even having been on a single date with a women. I think I have a lot of unresolved trauma or emotional pain from trying to connect with women but never being able to.
 
The human brain is too powerful for its own good
I can't stop thinking
thinking what I should do, what I should be doing, what I should wear, how I should behave, how I should walk, how I should act, how others interpret me, I can't fuck stop thinking all the time, all day, everyday, I don't live in real life I've been living in my head all the time
Is it because my ego is too big? maybe
I used to think ego was the enemy and found a way to destroy it
I became way too feminine and soft but became more enlightened than ever before in the process

I just couldn't deal with the way people were treating me like I was a fucking bitch
So the ego grew back and now I think I have the biggest ego of anyone I know (maybe)
Because to be honest I don't understand what the ego really means, I have an idea but I don't understand fully
I thought it meant boundaries for awhile so I could justify having one but it doesn't really mean that
self image? yeah.. maybe but its hard for me to grasp

I've been getting more in tune with my spiritual side these days
starting with psychedelics to reading the bible to listenning to Eckart Tolle recently
Being present, being enlightened, being in the now

Really hard to grasp for most people but it is so powerful
The feeling is indescribable

It is not a state you can achieve but something you have inside if yourself already, its just too cluttered by the thinking mind to experience it
It is awareness, conscience itself

Some people like Eckart Tolle have succeeded in becoming awakened in a mostly permanent state but that is not something that is easy to do
A kind of dissolution of the ego when he realized he could not live with himself, himself being a different thing from its awareness
He realized he was two things, his thinking mind and his awareness from what I understand

By watching his videos I got a glimpse of what being present feels like again just like when I read The Power of Now
A feeling of what pure love feels like, a feeling like no other, pure presence and no thought
the highest level on consciousness... amazing
But it was not permanent, I came back to thinking
To Identifying as my thinking mind
Thinking that I am the person who writes those words but it is only my mind who processes the information

or is it? am I the awareness or the person who thinks
am I the watcher or the brain?

This simple though just made me more present for awhile, but I still started using the thinking brain to think this through,
and doing that itself took me away from awareness back into the thinking mind and proving in a way I think that I still identify as the thinking mind more than I identify as the awareness which makes sense
Otherwise I would be living a way more present life

I will keep on doing research on this and Eckart Tolle and see where it leads me, see if I can shut down my mind because it is killing me slowly
It is overpowering me and it is not a good way to live life. I am litterally eating myself away with all kinds of thoughts and what I'm writing is just a few minutes of thoughts I have daily.
I'm litterally thinking all day as most people do I think.

Was it all useless? no I don't think so, I think it lead me to this point which is good that I realize that I am not my thoughts and I need to think less. I've done a lot of progress in my evolution in very little time, I feel like I know more than most people my age not to be pretentious. Its actually kind of a sickness I can't help anymore, my brain is overpowering me in negative ways at this point this is not even healthy to be thinking that much.

I've been trying to think my way out of this, think my way out of what I need to do next in my life but it only left me with more questions and analysis paralysis, I'm going fucking nuts.

Talking of nuts... I busted 2 nuts at like 4 am, once to regular porn, then 1 hour later to shemale porn
I thought I was go back to regular porn... BUT NO
I have this addiction for life there is no going back it is done, I will always like girls with dicks no matter how I feel about it

I felt very low energy today,
They say your sperm in your essence, essence in french means gas, energy
So your cum is your energy litterally and I do believe that
Low cum is low energy, when your balls are drained you feel... well drained

Talking, and by talking I mean writing about girl brought sexual thoughts into my head which lead to me watching porn
But I rationalized by thinking that my balls needed to be thoroughly emptied which they kind of did

Don't know if anyone is reading at this point, don't really care
its almost 9pm and just drank a coffee because I'm tired but I can't sleep which is totally fucked
I've been sick for 5 fucking months now on and off mostly on and am not seeing anyone in real life so thats why I talk to myself so god damn much its because I have all this fucking shit in my brain I need to release but I can't, thats where this sites comes in even though most of it will never be read it does me some good anyway

Living mostly day to day, not doing much, having low energy trying to just survive the day boringly with no plan in sight, no real passion at all for life but I don't want to kill myself anymore so thats a good thing
You know at this point I don't even closely remotely give a shit about much and its kind of freeing in a way
I feel like I can be myself because who cares at this point

When you're in pain you don't give a shit what people think about you
Thats deep...

suffering brings you useful things into your life

I feel like I'm being seen as someone who's drunk writing this or intoxicated but I am not
I just reach the level of no fuck given some people aim to attain when they do partake in that kind of stuff
But I just am naturally at that level sober at this point
You can see who I am for what I am and no fuck is given at all about being judged?

Well thats not true because this would not be anonymous if I truly didn't give a shit
I'm still scared in a way
For people to read this and see who I really am
What I really like...

Being exposed like that
Being naked in a way
I've been naked in front of strangers and it doesn't bother me but in front of people I know it does in a way...

Because you're attached to them, you want them to still like you
You're worried that if they really see what you are fully they may not like everything there is about you

I should let go of that, and I plan to
This journal is a part of this and has helped me do that

Never would I have been comfortable telling a friend I liked t-girls if it wasn't for this journal
Its still a shameful part of myself I hold on to
This makes me still attached to what other people think of me in a way
I mean if anyone asked me I would give them an honest answer but I wouldn't get out of my way just to tell them that

Cause they might think that I'm gay, I'm not sure they would understand just like I didn't understand myself at first
Its also because deep down I think that its kind of perverse and wrong, because this addiction has been a result of me not listenning to my conscience, and I'm a bit ashamed of that, ashamed to have been so blinded an addicted
I haven't forgiven myself for doing that yet, maybe doing so will help me come to terms with it.
 

SimonM

Active Member
I love Eckhart Tolle. He changed my outlook on life!

I used plenty of fish to find my wife. I only looked at profiles for women looking for serious relationships. I didn't let it get to me at all if they turned me down. Just asked onces I liked their profile of for a coffee. It didn't feel like a trigger for porn at the time. I certainly never got any hookups out of it, and neither was I hoping for that. But I did get some nice coffee dates, a few short relationships until we figured out it wasn't it, and then yes, my wife. My problem was that I was too shy to ask out girls in real life... So this helped me.

Anyway, not trying to convince you you should do it. Just giving a perspective of what it was like for me.
 

Trisquel

New Member
*WARNING*
May contain triggers
Read at your own risks

I started watching porn when I was 6 years old and escalated to some pretty weird stuff since then.
In my early porn days I watched some solo and lesbian stuff then came a foot fetish and hairy girl fetish, and later on came beastiality and shemale porn

Last year I lasted 75 days no PMO then I MO'd once, then another time, then I went and looked for pictures of girls feet to jack off to
saying to myself that its not actually porn and I ended up coming back to my old habbits.
After awhile I didn't even give a shit anyway, I was (still am) a virgin and I'm not able to get a girlfriend anyway so why not jack off?

Theres something wrong in my head and I don't know how to fix it, I isolate myself I try to avoid people even though I want to connect with a girl so much

I'm sad, depressed and sexually frustrated, I feel like shit all the time and jacking off is the only time I feel good.
I'm so fucked I'm having trouble having an O even to shemale porn thats why its time to stop this

This is going to be hard but I need to change
I'm not even attracted to girls anymore
I'd rather suck a tranny dick and I'm not even gay
I'm digusted by myself and ashamed
I don't feel like a man

Its been 3 days since last PMO...

I'm gunna try to keep this journal updated so I can write instead of thinking about porn

If anyone read this, thanks for reading
I´m going trhough a similar experience at the moment, I only can wish you good luck!!
 
I like to walk
I like to walk a lot and exercise, helps me get out of my head and into my body
Feeling things instead of only thinking too much

I was thinking earlier of how pure kids are when they are young because they don't really think that much yet
You can see the joy in their eyes, unfiltered by the brain and thats a beautiful thing
Thats what I'm trying to get back, most of us loose that completely

I was also thinking about my ego yesterday,
When I was using psychedelics hearing people laughing would sounds evil to me
Because I always thought they were laughing at me even though they were not

It made me think of something joe rogan said about him having a vision of clown mocking him and laughing at him
It was because he took himself too seriously and think I might be doing a little of that too
Acting overly masculine for some reasons
I'm naturally masculine already but I somehow put on an act also because of my ego
I'm trying to let go of that more and more recently, getting out of my thoughts and into simple awareness

Listening to music helps me do that a lot
Rolling with the windows down and singing along or tapping along with the music
I can be focused only on doing and being and not have to think about anything
Those are pure moments when I really feel alive and wish to be nowhere else and have nothing more

But doing that takes courage
More courage when you're surrounded by people who watch you
Thats why its hard for people to be themselves

In big cities, people don't say hi to you
Because they're tired of seeing so many people they can't get any quiet time
I don't blame them

But I like going further up the country sometimes where people say hi and are more social
Makes me feel more human

When you lead the way and have the courage to be who you are then people feel more free to open up to you
They can see you for who you are, you're true essence, and it makes them comfortable to be their real selves too
 
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