My journal to recovery- Could use support

[Quitforeverthenwin]

Thanks bro! I will stay vigilant, but I am happy to report that after around 4 hours of socializing and physical activity the urges have nearly entirely subsided! I came here to post about something else and nearly forgot how strong they were before.



Doing one of my activities, I decided I had an enemy lol. I pick a little something that someone seems to have done to me, and decide they hate me and they treat me differently from anyone else. I just had my mind on this person and being annoyed with them, later on they started talking to me and were super nice........ I went as far as wanting to quit going to this place and burn a bunch of bridges.

It shows me goodness, I have such large large holes in my mindset and thoughts and just ability to socialize with people. I just get upset too easily and have these wildly irrational self-sabotaging thoughts that make me want to isolate myself and quit things that are good for me. I am not writing this as a woah is me. I actually feel good that I am aware of this and how irrational my thoughts are and happy that I have not been acting on them. It is massive room for improvement just keep recoring them and disputing them over and over, meditate stay sober etc. when these are gone, wow my life will be a lot easier and better

 

[Quitforeverthenwin]

Just to record so I do not forgot. I was going to write this the other day, if only I can learn to apply my brains creativity and intelligence to perhaps business or solving a world problem and not to creating urges and triggers lol. My brain can make the wildest connections to create an urge. Here is what just happened.

I am reading a book about a climber, he mentioned he never saw snow until he was 12 and it created his enthusiasm for climbing. Well, I thought there are everygreen trees in snowy areas. Oh everygreen trees, I was talking to this family at work and making small talk, I pointed out a tree that looks like an everygreen tree, that one girl agreed with me.. omg her body wow... etc. My mind wanted to jump right into fantasy land but I was well aware of it.

And all that happened in probably half a second.

My two hours of being urge free was nice while it lasted lol. At least not as intense I'd say a 4 outta 10.
Book about a climber-> Tree-> fantasize about girls body and the connections all make sense in my mind lol. I had one far crazier one yestarday, like my mind moved a few letters around of something I read and made sound like someone I saw in porn, what creativity, maybe once I get clean of this I should start looking for hidden patterns in the stock market..... lol

 

[Quitforeverthenwin]

Day 7 I think? ( or 8? wil correct later).

In a rush only have a minute. So my "ohh great I feel better now, no cravings!" post was wrong lol. As I originally assumed had some strong cravings. Woke up feeling like fried shit. BUT reminding myself had I PMOed or something it'd be WAY worse, literally aside from my disappointment I would have slept even less and my brain gets all fucked up like straight up depression.

Mind kept going in to fantasy I think I could have stopped it sooner but I was pulling myself out of it every couple of seconds. I had one period where I was thinking about kissing a girl for maybe 2 minutes which even that I should have cut out. I did as I planned getting out of bed. The tough part was I woke up every few hours with strong cravings! I'd be half asleep and wake up and have like half a second to stop my mind. I woke up in a crazy sweat a few hours after falling asleep, then again at 4:00 am, the breakthrough was at 4:00 couldn't get rid of my cravings so I left my apartment and walked around for awhile, this was like a reset and get rid of it mostly.

Then I studied and finally fell back asleep. It was hard it kind of sucked at first, but I just got out of bed and didn't try to force myself to sleep it was much better. So this is how I ought to treat the crazy cravings at night... just treat them as insomnia. Don't try and force self to sleep just chill about it and LEAVE the apartment (if needed or as a step 1) then do other stuff like study until I get tired again. (Reading in bed is nice but not enough the thoughts and fantasies come in strong, must be prepared to leave the bed.)

I think tonight'll be easier but I still know what to do if the cravings come, I'll leave the apartment way sooner as that ended it far more easily it just like broke the pattern. 

 

[Quitforeverthenwin]

Mostly good and some bad. Getting through those cravings last night seems to have rewarded me with feeling good today. Just far calmer then before not super happy just contented, calm and content is actually a really nice feeling and has been a rare one for me. Not that I am always sad but my positive states tend to errr on the side of excited. Felt quite calm, great reminder to always push through, it feels better later.

The bad: I napped it was great (had unexpected free time) I started on my tiny couch it was uncomforable so I went in bed, I felt slight urges popping up. I woke up, tried to nap more and I fantasized a little bit about some women I knew and a past girlfireind. The fantasy was mostly stuff that happened and just regular sex and intimacy but still, I want to cut that out. I could see it triggering me. AND, not sure if I mentioned for me I used to go like into a trance fantasizing for hours about some of my fetishes. I consider it part of the addiction, so for me, fantasizing while in bed about sex is a gray area. Maybe I don't consider it breaking my streak but, I want to be quite careful. And why not live in reality? I am alone in bed, I want to learn how to really be able to enjoy that time, reading perhaps thinking about my day, thinking about space who knows....

My brain has brained trained that bed is a time that is almost purely sexual in a twisted lonely way (imagining women there porn etc.) That is NOT the same as actually being with someone. BUT being present and happy when alone will if anything make it better if I am dating a girl. The separation between fantasy and realitie worlds is important.

One good thing was, I had the urge to fantasize about some porn induced fetishes an image that has been haunting me and a strong trigger popped into my head. I thought of it and gained some clarity, this fetish and fantasy is not even really sexual if I think about it.... Like it doesn't even make sense and is so far from reality....

That was nice and lost me the urge, it was like wait, what am I actually thinking? So thats some progress. But still time to be cautious and not replace that with fantasizeing obsessively about real sex. Compulsions, especially for me and sexual ones are never good


EDIT: Okay enough posting for today. Just s simple commitment. The rest of today and the three days following no conscious sexual fantasizing AT ALL. Simple, not let things get out of hand. Make the commitment and decision now, not have to think about it.

 

[Quitforeverthenwin]

Day 7 (8?) My organization could use a lil work lol.

Feeling pretty good. I can do a lot more than I thought. Like my posts last few days were like "my mind started thinking about sex". I decided not to do that and the second I even thought about thinking about thinking about sex I shut it down and got along with my day.

Saw some attractive women, my reaction was far less inense. i was like "oh niice, oh wait look away". Rather than like my heart racing etc. No sex thoughts nor foreplay either. Just enjoy my day think about other things.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Just catching up on your journal now--keep it up! I recently caught myself looking at women throughout the day and using them as like light porn. I had never realized it before, but it was definitely a trigger for me. Something I'm working on, and it's good to hear you are too.

Also your experience reading is relatable to me. I don't know how many times I've been reading a book when my brain thought it saw a sexual word somewhere else on the page, so my eyes darted there only to see some other word that was spelled differently. Our brains do crazy things to us, but it's cool that we're becoming more aware of it. There's no way to get back in control without first becoming aware, so I think it's a great thing to recognize

 

[Quitforeverthenwin]

Great point! Good way to look at it.... the awareness is huge. Meditation is helping me.

My update: Had a good day, felt sad on way home, very early "I need a woman" feeling- which is really the very early start of a craving im0. But honestly reading others posts and replying to support has me forgettting about it. I can just rest up and enjoy a nice book until I go to bed, if I have energy maybe I'll pop in a local bar but probably not. Tomorrow I am going out though, would like to socialize a bit.

Just catching up on your journal now--keep it up! I recently caught myself looking at women throughout the day and using them as like light porn. I had never realized it before, but it was definitely a trigger for me. Something I'm working on, and it's good to hear you are too.

Also your experience reading is relatable to me. I don't know how many times I've been reading a book when my brain thought it saw a sexual word somewhere else on the page, so my eyes darted there only to see some other word that was spelled differently. Our brains do crazy things to us, but it's cool that we're becoming more aware of it. There's no way to get back in control without first becoming aware, so I think it's a great thing to recognize

 

[pichaelthompson]

That's awesome that you're meditating, I need to start doing that every day as I've been only doing it 2-3 times a week. It seems like you did a good job of applying awareness to negative emotions, as feeling sad is a very natural, normal thing for all humans, and you were able to turn that feeling into helping others on this forum and doing what's best for you!

 

[Quitforeverthenwin]

Thanks bro! Today has been pretty tough. Very anxious and confused mind all over the place, been obsessing over whether to go try a new hobby or not (is it too much, do I have enough time?). Pretty irrational thoughts as I could go just today and don't need to take this hobby on forever by trying it once lol. Anyway, yeah thats pretty much it, pretty bad withdrawal.

I should note: what my mind is telling me is, 1) I don't have time to go to this activity 2) I need to go and talk to girls instead.

I should note: Yes I do want to socialize more and put more into my dating life and skills with women. But, when I was feeling good I badly wanted to do this hobby, now when I have bad withdrawal and urges, and feel crazy my brain is telling me. You have to skip the hobby! And, you should go looking for women (likely a bad idea in this state and to impulsively do what, find a girlfriend walking around a mall???). That is very irrational, it's basically a setup, feel desperate for female attention and go try and get it in a sure to fail way and then go home feeling terrible and super triggered. It's almost like a setup by the addiction... man I am glad I posted as I did not notice that until now.  So I still feel nuts but may as well trust the decision I made when I was at my best, go do the hobby. Try it out and see how it goes, no commitments. AND I will go out tonight to socialize and can talk to girls then, in a PLANNED and rational way.

My commitment:
Go do the hobby
Go out and socialize for at least an hour tonight
Do my 30 minutes of working on the smart book.
THAT is it- I have more I want to do, but will consider anything else icing on top for today. (I feel quite overwhelmed, so am simplifying and keeping the main commitments and the crucial (daily smart workbook)


quote author=pichaelthompson link=topic=16884.msg172761#msg172761 date=1553142581]
That's awesome that you're meditating, I need to start doing that every day as I've been only doing it 2-3 times a week. It seems like you did a good job of applying awareness to negative emotions, as feeling sad is a very natural, normal thing for all humans, and you were able to turn that feeling into helping others on this forum and doing what's best for you!
[/quote]

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Sounds like a good plan!

Meditation has been a huge part of my recovery the last two years or so. It has made a huge difference, especially lately. One of the things I've been realizing it that there is time. Sometimes I want to rush and do everything now, but I'm trying to realize that it's okay to do things one at a time.  (I think the wanting it now is part of what fuels my addiction, and I'm thinking about how that impatience affects other parts of my life.)

I guess what I'm saying is, based on what feels right for you, don't worry about only focusing on your hobby and recovery now. Socializing is an important step probably, but maybe it doesn't have to come right now.

 

[Quitforeverthenwin]

You hit the nail on the head right there.... I was quite stressed, part was cravings I bet, but a large part of it, was I was trying to do too much. Honestly the hobby WAS a mistake, that was actually correct. I already have re take up an old hobby, have a new hobby AND want to socialize more and am doing a lot of career stuff. That is already almost too much! One thing at a time, constant new hobbies wouldn't be all that rewarding, going to appreciate what I am already doing.

Update: Feeling much better, I don't feel good but I am sort of happy. A bit proud of myself that I pushed through and did some good actions I did not want to do. I did look at women's bodies a bit today, but kept my mind clear. Looking forward to a nice night of sleep and a even better day tomorrow : )

Sounds like a good plan!

Meditation has been a huge part of my recovery the last two years or so. It has made a huge difference, especially lately. One of the things I've been realizing it that there is time. Sometimes I want to rush and do everything now, but I'm trying to realize that it's okay to do things one at a time.  (I think the wanting it now is part of what fuels my addiction, and I'm thinking about how that impatience affects other parts of my life.)

I guess what I'm saying is, based on what feels right for you, don't worry about only focusing on your hobby and recovery now. Socializing is an important step probably, but maybe it doesn't have to come right now.

 

[Quitforeverthenwin]

Edit: Day 10 today!

Woke up feeling pretty awful, went back to bed to rest. But caught myself saying "I am horny" over and over feeling desparatly "horny". That is an urge right there.... Glad to have gotten out of bed and post here again.

Perhaps I ought to be more careful about looking at girls, was around quite a few last night and that contributed for sure. Also I may have been over ambitious with the schedule I created for myself, could of used a bit more sleep.

 

[pichaelthompson]

Nice job! Perhaps your schedule may have been too much, but in my opinion it's better to over-exert yourself and then find the balance after adjusting than being lazy/giving into urges, like lifting too many weights....your muscles might be sore after but they will definitely be alot stronger!

Unfortunately, we live in a world of instant gratification so we expect instant results from the positive changes we make. Sometimes we do not see things getting better day by day, but in the long run we can look back and realize all our suffering was well worth it

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Exactly--just keep at it, adjusting as you go. I got back into bread-baking recently, and even when you have all the ingredients mixed together, you still have to give it time to rise. I really think recovery is like that. Even for all that we're trying to do, time is a part of the healing process, and I have to keep reminding myself of that when progress feels slow.

 

[Quitforeverthenwin]

Thanks for the support guys. Sorry if this post is not too informative. Man, I feel pretty bad today. I guess this is withdrawal and could not be considered anything else. Before this journal I had some really bad slips every few days, so I guess this is what happens.

Luckily I have held 95% of it in, but I have spent a good portion of the day ruminating on things, being ludicrously angry and feeling desperate to be dating and have female company. Goodness emotions are odd, in the moment, I can not imagine feeling happy and think the only thing that would make me happy is a girl with me, sex or something. But logically I know and can remember just a few days ago being totally happy and not even worried about whether I found a girl or not....

Well glad to write this as putting that on paper gives me perspective and helps realize this will pass....

I found that if all else fails intense exercise can get me through a lot of these emotions, so I may just accept over exercising for a few days here and there, being a little sore and physically tired won't kill me. Early I felt like a cross between strong anxiety and extreme anger, I quite in the middle of my visualizing as I was so furious that I heard a lawn mower outside. But then I just worked out hard, just for a few minutes and felt far better after.

Cardio vascular exercise seems the key, as a hack. If all else fails to get rid of some of these crazy emotions. I am very tired but may end up doing some tonight.

You know, that is a big win..... I had some of the strongest emotions I have had in a looonnngggg time and the way I handled it was to go exercise, it was almost instinct, that is a big win a healthy way to handle my emotions.

So I feel like shit and it's been very hard to see the big picture today, but I am still making progress. Still I must be vigilant an urge popped up even as I wrote that very sentence. I gotta remember, put in the work now. Often a night like this, the day after I will have a very lovely day as a reward for getting through it..

Edit: Sorry some grammar and spelling errors here, I am quite out of it. It's honestly almost interesting to me, I speak another language fairly well and literally spoke it to 25% of my ability awhile ago, couldn't have even a basic conversation the brain is such a funny thing.

 

[Quitforeverthenwin]

Good point, I have followed a schedule like this before but I simply have to put more effort into my reboot then in the past, so it's a lot. I think I will ask less of myself.... it could make things a hell of a lot easier.

Nice job! Perhaps your schedule may have been too much, but in my opinion it's better to over-exert yourself and then find the balance after adjusting than being lazy/giving into urges, like lifting too many weights....your muscles might be sore after but they will definitely be alot stronger!

Unfortunately, we live in a world of instant gratification so we expect instant results from the positive changes we make. Sometimes we do not see things getting better day by day, but in the long run we can look back and realize all our suffering was well worth it

 

[Quitforeverthenwin]

Great point! I feel like shit right now, but good to keep that in mind. So long as I am moving forward in time doing the right things, I am progressing. Even though at this moment, my brain is flipping out cause I feel about as bad as I did on day 0. But it's all part of the process.

Exactly--just keep at it, adjusting as you go. I got back into bread-baking recently, and even when you have all the ingredients mixed together, you still have to give it time to rise. I really think recovery is like that. Even for all that we're trying to do, time is a part of the healing process, and I have to keep reminding myself of that when progress feels slow.

 

[Quitforeverthenwin]

I need a rest tomorrow BUT I just remembered, having goals written out is huge to me. I stopped reading mine and they are a bit outdated. I am going to spend 30 min or an hour writing goals and aside from errands I must do. THAT IS IT. For tomorrow (plus my damn 30 min of smart lol.

So an hour of work, then just enjoy myself nap and read no burdens. Recharge

 

[Quitforeverthenwin]

So, I made a bit of a mistake last night but it could have been far worse. In short I fantasized about porn and some of my fetishes last night, I am not sure for how long. Then I was fantasizing about sex with a past girlfriend (not nearly as bad).

This is not the absolute worst thing in the world, but still I do want to consider the fantasy about porn something of a lapse. BUT, I can see it is nothing like pmo. I came as close to looking at porn as is possible.

The good, is that I actually was able to fantasize and not pmo and actually eventually lost interest. It is also good that I DID NOT of course look at p or m which would have been a major disaster.

The bad is, this is not good for my recovery and is, perhaps a small step back. What is also bad, is I had the feeling that there is no way I could have stopped myself from doing it. I had this incredibly intense exhaustion I did get out of bed etc.

But thats not true, I could have done a bit better most likely. 1) Being more prepared- I felt horrifying during the day but did not recognize it as a strong urge, just was feeling crazy emotions. When I feel that way I should prepare myself for a tough night. Prepare mentally and decide in advance I may not sleep.

2) As a few of you have said, I must soften my schedule a bit. I started a new job and it is more stressful then I realized.  Often when I am not working at something, I am mad at myself. Simply going to ease on myself, take more leisure give myself time for naps, tell myself I am allowed to nap rest and sleep during day. I'll have more energy to avoid urges at night and it'll be easier mentally to stay up all night if I need to, if I know it's okay for me take a long nap and not be productive all the time.

 

[pichaelthompson]

Hang in there bro! I've been getting alot of urges too, for me it pops in my head and even if I dismiss it, it often comes back sooner than I expected. If I were to count all the minor urges, it could be upwards of 100x a day (or more). Just sharing to let you know you're not alone in this struggle, and we can always do positive and healthy things regardless of what happens in our head! I hope you can get some sleep, I understand it is hard when your thoughts are racing and you're emotional but do everything you can to calm your mind down. For me, it helps to go back to my meditation practice- I try to focus on my body sinking into the bed, notice all the physical sensations, as well as "hearing" the silence around me. Best of luck to you