My journal to recovery- Could use support

Quitforeverthenwin

Active Member
Thanks bro! Just a real brief check in. I was still fanasizing a bit last few days. Some challenges going on and very off track. Will look to reset over the next coming days. At least I am PMO free!
 

BlueHeronFan

Respected Member
Hang in there, man, you're doing the right thing!

I think you're right that fantasizing isn't quite the same a full relapse but also isn't good. I know those fantasies, which have been coming in and out of my head the last couple days, are usually the first step towards a relapse. So it's good to be aware of them early and to find a way forward without relapsing.

We're all in this fight together, and we'll win in the end!
 

Quitforeverthenwin

Active Member
Thanks Bro!

So, I had a few realizations recently. I was being waayyyyy too hard on myself. Trying to be perfect. Instead of doing everything right, do the things that really matter right.

That being said: I am resetting the clock. Today is day 2. For a simple reason. I have big issues with a very particular type of fantasy about porn induced fetishes. I did that for a few days. I need very specific things I am cutting out/ definition of clean.

No PORN No Masturbation No Self induced orgasm/ or anything self induced sexual like idk rubbing on something.
No engaging in porn induced fetishes. No fantasizing conciously about porn induced fetishes.

Fantasizing about real women and vanilla sex= separate. I may want to lower it/ not over do it. But It is CLEARLY NOT part of my addiction. I think trying to cut out 100% of sexual thoughts caused me problems.

So anyways. Not much to report. I feel a lot better. I barely fantasized about the porn induced fetishes two days ago and did not yestarday nor today. Feeling pretty good, attracted to real women. Not trying so hard to do everything. Not over analyzing. Just keeping it simple, cut out the addiction stuff and be soft on myself on other things.

I mean honestly: I have had no junk food in months, eating a perfect day by my standards (literally), I have been working out almost every day, I have not used the internet or streamed any shows only using it for useful stuff. (for months! (except for my brief lapes)). I am in a pretty good spot. I don't really even have any super unhealthy activities left.... I also have been doing well in my current hobbies.

So the key is handle the really important stuff and be softer on myself.
1) Better job
2) Everything else- just keep it up.

I was trying to do so much shit at once and be perfect. I got annoyed at someone today... but they were actually being annoying! Like even time I got irritated I viewed it as a big problem and was ruminating, for me the big problem was trying to be perfect I think. 
 

pichaelthompson

Active Member
Sounds like a really good plan! It seems the simpler you make life the better, you can just flow from one thing to the next because you don't have to overthink anything. Keep it up!

BTW I've had to reset as well, I'm confident both of us will come back wiser and stronger
 

BlueHeronFan

Respected Member
That does look like a great plan. I know the pressure of wanting to fix everything all at once, but that's just a sure way to get even more frustrated, which, for me, usually leads right to porn.

Recovery takes time, and we've got years of life still to live. I think there's a lot of wisdom in slowing down and doing fewer things more carefully instead of wearing ourselves out with a lot of stuff all at once (and failing at it all)
 

Quitforeverthenwin

Active Member
Thanks guys! Great insights. Sorry to hear about the reset pichael, hopefully we can both come back better, as you said. It does not erase all of our progress.

Great point Blue..... it's like, for years there are so  many things I've wanted to do, it's all about patience. If I had focused on one for a year imagine how far i'd be....

Man, thats gonna be a big thing for me.... REALLY slowing down. Going with the flow a bit more.


Day 3: Had a pretty good day. Uneventful. I skimped on meditating for a few days earlier in week but did a bunch today and it was quite nice. Slept in a bit. Not gonna try and do too much at once. Tomorrow I am going to get up earlier, I have a few things to get done but may take the rest of the day easy. Build back up slowly.
 

Quitforeverthenwin

Active Member
Thanks! Making my focus smaller and focusing on having good quality meditation. It's good for that day but it compounds and will add up overtime.

Today, was a pretty good day. Got some stuff done, read a lot. Tomorrow I simply want to do a bit more. I was pretty tired may have a slight cold, if thats the case it is what it is, I'll take it easy for a couple days. If I don't have the cold then I'll do more tomorrow and especially Saturday.

The focuses will be: Work related study, apply to new jobs, more socializing. That is it and is plenty.
 

Quitforeverthenwin

Active Member
Thanks bro!

I had a big realization, I stupidly have been doing fasting each week based on dumb crap I heard on the internet...... I am not overweight and have been like starving and lost muscle! I was wondering why I felt crappy a lot and this was it! Today I was starving at 11am and was not going to eat till 4, I talked to my mom and she is like this is so dumb. She was so right. Lesson learned: Solid healthy foods, no stupid fad diets. Anyway, I realize I've been at like 50% capacity since I have been starving myself lol. Ate a lot today and feeling better already.

So thats it for today, felt shitty but eating helped. Some lonliness but starting to take some more actions to socialize more and start dating again. Should set some goals, I'd like a date within two weeks, not a hard goal/deadline just me musing. I am confident I can do it. 
 

Quitforeverthenwin

Active Member
Feeling a good bit better for sure. Mood is up, finding it far easier to push aside cravings and thoughts. This morning I stayed in bed a bit resting and also fantasizing about real girls, this is something that I don't consider part of the addiction and is not the worst thing in the world but still I want to get up earlier tomorrow and not do that, as it really was just a waste of time. But again, not the end of the world. I am not going to try and cut out every sexual thought just the pmo and fetish fantasy.

My meditation was not too good this am, but thats okay. It is still good for me and will pay off later. Been skimping on workouts about to go do one!
 

Quitforeverthenwin

Active Member
Hvaing an odd sort of craving, a craving to fantasize about my Porn induced fetishes not too strong but with this strong sense of complacency. Just sort of like.... a feeling of I am okay with fantasizing, I feel like doing it so I'll do it. It's cool to see that I actually totally control the action and can just not do it...

Luckily I decided to post here instead.
 

Quitforeverthenwin

Active Member
Man, glad I made that post! I did NOT fantasize. Did not even fantasize about sex (not considered a relapse). I really enjoyed reading a book, it's nice I am seeing some changes for sure. I am sure ups and downs will come, but I am having moments where things are as I want. I really enjoyed reading in bed, found it a massive pleasure and got lost in it then slept well. I had some dreams just as I woke up about the fetish but it was mild, I may have even dreamed about having cravings, I am not sure. But Happliy, I got out of bed with my alarm and got back to reading.

For me reading is the BOMB. Like since I cut out bad habits I read my ass off, reading is my way of goofing off but it has none of the downsides of my other habits like youtube, pmo etc.

I also hung out with a girl today, I wanted things to go further, we got a little physical but she refused a kiss and I feel like things have fizzled at this point, reason being mostly that she is "seeing someone" back home. (She is here on vacation). But I still consider it a win, I enjoyed the time together, enjoyed real sexuality, as I touched her body a bit.

One of the coolest parts is, she is attractive, but I was not super attracted to her until I hung out with her for awhile and started to like her, then I was very attracted. This is huge! Because thats how my brain should be functioning.

So anyway, almost all good news, for today. Eating more is awesome. I notice I want to talk about what I should be doing, what I am doing wrong. But you know what, this is big for me, it's okay to just have a nice enoyable healthy day and accept and enjoy it, no changes or self analysis necessary.
 

Quitforeverthenwin

Active Member
Just a few hours later.... so being seuxal with girls is good but can be a trigger! Just took a nap and was fantasizing about this girl a lot. Then had a thought go into my mind of fetish stuff... I immediately got out of bed! So this is good, it was a lot easier to stop it asap. Anyway, still gonna cut down on the sexual thoughts for the next couple of days, clear my head. Have a productive eveing. And watch myself, I am starting to rewire having better interactions with women, but the sexual feelings can let some of the addictive pmo thoughts start lurking around the corner, just gotta kick the pmo/fetish thoughts asses when they pop up!
 

BlueHeronFan

Respected Member
Glad you're staying clear of PMO! A big realization for me lately has been to notice all the ways that I've been reinforcing the addictive reward loop in my brain when I'm not using porn--staring at women on the street, on TV, etc. Even though those things aren't porn, I've realized that they do trigger me in that direction. So it's a good thing you're noticing how a healthier experience (not a relapse) might get your brain going in the wrong direction. But, hey, either way, you're making progress towards normal--and that's a huge win!
 

Quitforeverthenwin

Active Member
Thanks bro! Yeah, it's just something I have to be aware of. I noticed in previous reboots, when I would finally get sexual with a girl I would end up in PMO fantasyland even with the girl right there! It was nuts.

But overtime it would mostly stop.


It's like the PMO thing is separate from real sexuality. But by some weird crossed up brainwires any sexuality can create a bit of an urge, but by avoiding pmo and rewiring (carefully!) the wiring returns to normal.

I went out with a friend and had a pretty bad night. It was odd, I believe every girl I spoke to had a bad reaction to me. Honestly, I bought a new shirt and my friend and I discussed it, it made me look super awkward and nerdy. I honestly think that was it, man how you dress is really really important. Like the shirt just made me look goofy.

Edit: I guess I can just be honest and say, I feel quite shitty right now. Just down and a bit hopeless. Really sad, and just this sense of hopelessness, it's a little strange. I am not going to fall asleep for awhile, I can feel and have a weak urge,  I literally can feel it in my crotch area, quite physical. Anyway, I am just gonna keep it simple. I prefer real books, but I found a funny ebook I'll read it for awhile and just forget the day. (remember it did start off great, just the night was bad. But my emotions don't feel that)
 

Quitforeverthenwin

Active Member
Well, I fetish fantasized, a bit last night then a bunch this morning. Catching it earlier is pretty important. So when I fantasized in bed about regular sex, that was a bigger problem then I realized MUCH bigger. If I am honest that was the turning point. I had a great day, had a good time with the girl, then I was tired and I decided to go in bed and fantasize about that girl. I realize fantasy about sex in bed is a big issue, I like go into a trance. So I really gotta cut that shit.

It was after that, my mood was totally different felt off and in hindsight, slightly triggered. Then had the really bad night and just wanted to fantasize. Funny how the mind rationalizes, I was like I shouldn't do this, it's a bad habit. Then the EXACT thought was "it's okay, I will never have a night this bad again so I will fantasize just for tonight".

PURE BULLSHIT: The night was not that bad.

I was on my couch reading with a strong urge, then got in to bed to read. I think I had already made a decision to fantasize awhile ago. I got a bit complacent, I was super tired. I think I needed to leave my apartment for a bit, maybe exercise. I was having a pretty easy time the last few days, so I simply was not prepared. AND I was triggered by the whole, feeling like I have no girls/ dating prospects mindset. Siggghhhh, well a lot to be learned here.

At least still PMO free, but gotta step it up with cutting out the fantasy AND remember just idk 20 hours ago I was feeling great

OH and One HUGE thing, the key actually. The ebook was a huge problem and honestly I think that one factor if removed could have kept me away from the fantasy..... Reading on screens is nowhere near the same and I was reading this awful book that is supposed to be funny "good reasons to punch a dolphin in the mouth". It was supposed to be funny but was just  a bunch of shitty cartoon drawings of violence with some sexual images how stupid to read in hindsight. I had good intentions but was hard headed.

I was like reading it, feelling bad and triggered and I was like thinking "keep reading, when you read the triggers normally pass". That is true but reading on the screen is simply not the same and this book was crap, these lame ass cartoons on a computer screen. It was like surfing the internet on some backwater shitty website, which normally is a big trigger for P. Oh well, lesson learned. I already knew ebooks and reading on screeens SUCKS. I am offically cutting it out of my life permanently. Real books only, I swear the brain waves are not the same it is an entirely different experience and activity actual reading versus looking at a screen at words.
 

BlueHeronFan

Respected Member
Man, sorry to read what you've been putting up with, but I'm really glad to hear you're getting through it without PMO. All of this is valuable learning, and it's great that you're writing it out and thinking it through. I think that will make you more aware and capable of dealing with these triggers in the future.

Sorry, too, about feeling down. I know the feeling, no prospects or even hope of prospects, also just feeling off. I catch myself feeling weird about social things after the fact all the time. Like I send an email and feel weird for a day and can't figure out why I feel bad and then remember it was just that email and everything's fine. Probably, those girls weren't reacting as badly as you thought, but that doesn't change the way it felt.

I guess all I'm saying is that I know the feeling. Hang in there: strong urges can be really tough to deal with, but I'm sending good vibes your way. You can do it!
 
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