My journal to recovery- Could use support

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Day 4!


The girl didn't answer. I am a bit annoyed at how upset I was. It's like my gut knew, based on a few things on the date it was very unlikely we would see each other again.

What also annoys me is on the date, I was like thinking "I am not into this girl" I almost thought of leaving during the date. Then we cuddled a tiny bit and kissed and after she left feeling like " I hope I see her again" and then feeling like I messed up by showing a lot of disinterest.

Now she has not answered and I felt very very upset. I feel lame for kind of not even wanting her then feeling like I desperately did and pursuing her it's odd. Then I feel like 1) this girl was weird I always attract weird/crazy girls, only weird/ crazy girls show any interest in me. 2) This always happens. I feel like I have so many dates or temporary relationships or whatever where the girl is into me then a few days later she texts me she isn't interested. It's like fuck I don't want to do that again. The girl texting texting texting then after a date she doesn't respond the way she did before and a few days later there is a "I thought about it and I don't want to see you again" type of text.

Well I feel a little bit better writing this all out. I guess I was feeling a little bit desperate. I guess it's okay to be a bit upset and now use healthier means to handle the feelings. Also the show goes on, I wrote out this whole post and realized I had forgotten to post what day I am on.... recovery and my path comes first.

Besides, this was a big win. I was able to stick to my rewiring goals. I ended cuddling/kissing didn't invite her home and all of that other good stuff. Not fantasizing about girls I think helps, but slowly slowly I want to learn to not project onto girls so much. I was aware of that and I can learn to do it even better in the future. Less projection.

Going to spend some time reviewing my goals etc. It's going to be huge when I have a real goal program, something to look forward towards. I already have one, get these two weeks under my belt.

HOLY SHIT I almost forgot, for the first time in a long time.... MORNING WOOD THIS AM! That is what has really been motivating me, cheers to it being even stronger as I keep moving forward. It reminds me, being totally clean and having a girl ignore my text is a hell of a lot better then if she had answered and I had been fantasizing and not had morning wood. If I keep in the direction I am now on. Totally clean, letting my brain heal and impulses weaken, controlling myself with women and having a goal program and moving forward in life, the dating will eventually take care of itself.

 

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Quick little check in. Had some like almost pre urges, wanting to check phone a bunch. I texted a friend about it then turned off phone and left it home which I think was the right action!

Just now did a relaxation recording and towards the end thoughts of that girl popped into my mind, not reality based ones, the begginings of fantasy. So just thought I'd post. Remember my goal is to have none of that for 14 days! As soon as I became conciously aware of the thoughts I stopped them.

Those fantasies lead to desparate feelings. They project things onto girls that are not true. The lead to me feeling desparate. They will stop this awesome progress I am making, for example morning wood this morning!

Avoiding those fantasies will lead to my moods stabilizing, more focus BETTER morning wood in the coming days, a hugely awesome way to wake up in the morning (Seeing the morning wood had me feeling amazing for like 20 minutes). So yeah gonna keep it going look forward to more morning wood, staying on this path and the huge confidence and momentum boost when I acheve day 14 , my goal! Winning/ achieving a specific planned goal rocks

 

[wecandoit]

The "Porn in my head" is the biggest problem for me. All the porn stored in my brain from all the porn I've watched, all the porn induced fantasies that I've created over the years, routines and fetishes that I've developed. I'm doing a good job not watching/looking at anything and minimizing triggers as much as possible but that porn in my head is the biggest fucking pain.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Real rewiring is about that, rewiring to healthy sexuality.

So a theory. Motivation and urges are inversely related. When motivation is higher, urges feel weaker.

You're exactly right on both these points, I think. And that second one is a good insight: keep your motivation high (something you can control), and it will push the urges out of your life.

Now she has not answered and I felt very very upset. I feel lame for kind of not even wanting her then feeling like I desperately did and pursuing her it's odd. Then I feel like 1) this girl was weird I always attract weird/crazy girls, only weird/ crazy girls show any interest in me. 2) This always happens. I feel like I have so many dates or temporary relationships or whatever where the girl is into me then a few days later she texts me she isn't interested.

I can relate to a lot of these feelings. A handful of times in the last couple weeks, I have caught myself thinking, "Only the weird/crazy ones like me, and the good ones never have any interest." Obviously, those feelings aren't grounded in reality, but I know how it goes. Also maybe a sign of how powerful physical contact can be: I remember a couple years ago starting to go out with a girl, cuddling and thinking I really liked her. But then it became pretty clear pretty fast that we were totally emotionally incompatible and not right for each other. I think I got in trouble with the most recent girl for not being physical enough, but I know how the physical things can sometimes get in the way of actually getting to know a person. I feel like I've lost the point I was trying to make...hopefully you find it somewhere in there...

Those fantasies lead to desparate feelings. They project things onto girls that are not true. The lead to me feeling desparate.

Desperation is dangerous for me. I can't count the number of times that I relapsed after spending a day or two feeling really desperate and like the current state of my life was unbearable. I'm really trying now to think past that desperation, to be okay with where I am, and to trust that everything I really want is coming my way. Definitely haven't figured it out, but it feels like the right direction to move in.

The "Porn in my head" is the biggest problem for me. All the porn stored in my brain from all the porn I've watched, all the porn induced fantasies that I've created over the years, routines and fetishes that I've developed. I'm doing a good job not watching/looking at anything and minimizing triggers as much as possible but that porn in my head is the biggest fucking pain.

Yeah, this is the problem (or one of them). It probably isn't fair or right to compare to other addictions, but it's not like drug addicts have access to their drug of choice inside their bodies to call up whenever they have an urge. One of the unique issues with porn addiction is that it's in our head, we remember it. As time has gone on, I think some of those memories have become less vivid, but I can still pull up specific scenes and images from like almost 15 years ago. But I guess the good news is that the brain is plastic, the more we meditate and practice redirecting our thoughts and keeping our motivation high, the weaker those pathways to our porn memories will get. With time, they may even fade away completely.

Also, it seems like our mind meld has gotten us into some trouble this week, but I'm glad we can work through this rough spot together. We're still not where we want to be, but we have to realize we're so far from where we started when we came to this forum. Just keep going!

 

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Real rewiring is about that, rewiring to healthy sexuality.

So a theory. Motivation and urges are inversely related. When motivation is higher, urges feel weaker.

You're exactly right on both these points, I think. And that second one is a good insight: keep your motivation high (something you can control), and it will push the urges out of your life.

Now she has not answered and I felt very very upset. I feel lame for kind of not even wanting her then feeling like I desperately did and pursuing her it's odd. Then I feel like 1) this girl was weird I always attract weird/crazy girls, only weird/ crazy girls show any interest in me. 2) This always happens. I feel like I have so many dates or temporary relationships or whatever where the girl is into me then a few days later she texts me she isn't interested.

I can relate to a lot of these feelings. A handful of times in the last couple weeks, I have caught myself thinking, "Only the weird/crazy ones like me, and the good ones never have any interest." Obviously, those feelings aren't grounded in reality, but I know how it goes. Also maybe a sign of how powerful physical contact can be: I remember a couple years ago starting to go out with a girl, cuddling and thinking I really liked her. But then it became pretty clear pretty fast that we were totally emotionally incompatible and not right for each other. I think I got in trouble with the most recent girl for not being physical enough, but I know how the physical things can sometimes get in the way of actually getting to know a person. I feel like I've lost the point I was trying to make...hopefully you find it somewhere in there...

Those fantasies lead to desparate feelings. They project things onto girls that are not true. The lead to me feeling desparate.

Desperation is dangerous for me. I can't count the number of times that I relapsed after spending a day or two feeling really desperate and like the current state of my life was unbearable. I'm really trying now to think past that desperation, to be okay with where I am, and to trust that everything I really want is coming my way. Definitely haven't figured it out, but it feels like the right direction to move in.

The "Porn in my head" is the biggest problem for me. All the porn stored in my brain from all the porn I've watched, all the porn induced fantasies that I've created over the years, routines and fetishes that I've developed. I'm doing a good job not watching/looking at anything and minimizing triggers as much as possible but that porn in my head is the biggest fucking pain.

Yeah, this is the problem (or one of them). It probably isn't fair or right to compare to other addictions, but it's not like drug addicts have access to their drug of choice inside their bodies to call up whenever they have an urge. One of the unique issues with porn addiction is that it's in our head, we remember it. As time has gone on, I think some of those memories have become less vivid, but I can still pull up specific scenes and images from like almost 15 years ago. But I guess the good news is that the brain is plastic, the more we meditate and practice redirecting our thoughts and keeping our motivation high, the weaker those pathways to our porn memories will get. With time, they may even fade away completely.

Also, it seems like our mind meld has gotten us into some trouble this week, but I'm glad we can work through this rough spot together. We're still not where we want to be, but we have to realize we're so far from where we started when we came to this forum. Just keep going!

Thanks so much man! Today still been a little bit tough but reading your insights really have me feeling better and a nice boost in motivation. (Going to take the time to write to up the motivation in a little bit).

Glad to hear you have the same feelings, well I mean not exactly glad the feelings suck lol. But it's good to realize that it is unlikely that you and me just happen to have some weird inherent deficiency that is the exact same that means only weird and crazy girls will like us for our whole lives. It means the thoughts are probably just thoughts.

On the point about the power of physical contact... the point I got is it simply cranks up the emotions especially if we haven't had it in awhile, me and the girl didn't like each other but physical contact created such positive feelings I thought we did.

No doubt, desperation is a danger. I think a problem for me when desperate is actually trying to meet girls, it never works in that state. So when feeling desperate, the desperation is the problem, not the lack of what we feel desperate for.

Ditto wecandoit and blueheron the fantasy is tough, just gotta keep chipping a way at it bit by bit by bit. There are techniques for making memories less vivid which could be worth exploring.

Today just felt pretty tired and crappy the whole day but I am looking at it as kind of practice handling these feelings in a helathier way. I got like a weeks worth of negative feelings and taking actions to take care of them in a day. Did the sauna twice, went to an online smart meeting, took a nap, read a book on buddhism, posted here like 4 times. Writing all that out I actually feel sort of accomplished.

 

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Quick check in. I feel a lot better, went out and watched a sporting event. I also ate a lot (in accordance with my diet, though at a place that likely used low quality ingredients but still fairly solid) eating a lot and being around people watching the event small amount of low pressure socializing felt great.

There are "feel bad" urges and "feel good" urges like : "OMG I feel good wow look at all those girls it'd be great etc. etc..... leading to fantasy which can lead bad places". So as nice as it is to feel good. I am going actually aim to use realism to bring my mood and excitement down a notch. Thinking about girls is not in accordance with my goal so I will control my mind and not do it.

If I "feel good" and fantasize about those girls my morning wood goes out the window.... wouldn't that suck! It took me 4 days to get it in the slightest, why would I throw that away? I'd wake up feeling shitty. Instead I can clear my mind and channel that energy into positive things tomorrow.

Overall I can call this day a win, it took all day but finally feeling pretty good, already feel pretty much over the girl. (Thought I may check my phone hopefully at times tomorrw, I'll aim to change that, change that maladaptive type of thought). Tomorrow looking forward to a lot of time writing and thinking, to work on my thoughts and write out my goals and plans. There are a lot of things I am excited about:

1) Possible sales side hustle. Doing it just a few days a week but thouroughly planning it each time so I am working to improve my social intelligence, ability to structure and organize my communication as I do it.
2) May sound corny, but practice body language and speaking alone in my room. Basically up my skills and presentation in a 0 pressure environment. This has worked very well in the past. Even practicing story telling. It's like I can go in social situations or meet girls in a more prepared way. Thinking to put some time in my day to do this.
3) Tomorrow if I am not sick and my body can handle it, I should have some fun activites to do.
4) I still need more work, so it may be a good idea to make that a PRIORITY just apply my ass off for awhile. Put other things on back burner, get the most important thing done and go from there.

Anyways, feeling pretty good. But will remain vigilant. Looking forward to hitting day 14 and more morning wood! Lol. I bet within these 14 days I will have a really solid one and that'll lead to an awesome fucking day. I mean, mornings have been tough for me for years and I think the morning wood makes it better, part from being excited by it (do I sound weird lol?) but also perhaps it means my testosterone is higher in the morning as it should be, just the body is functioning as it should. That can be another motivatior to add to the list perhaps.... staying clean = more testosterone and finally feeling good in the mornings

 

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Day 5.

Feels good, being very methodical and moving forward a little bit at a time. So there is this other worksheet I have been using, it is great because it is motivating but it also shows the "positives" of the addiction, what you get out of it. So, for me, I fantasize sometimes because I want to feel peaceful (this is just fantasy about girls) I also know that if I don't do that I have potential to feel more peaceful by having better habits. Anyways, so the general idea is, I know that I definetly want to feel more peace in my life.

So right before going to sleep I read this really peaceful nice buddhist book, not something i normally do but it certainly made me feel peaceful and put me right to sleep.


Haven't really worked on goals for more then a few minutes the last 2 days so I have a nice 2 hour chunk set aside to do so today.

Body is still sore, won't do the physical activity but there are a lot of fun alternative things I can do so I'll decide on 1.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Yeah, a lot of your responses to my thoughts sound pretty spot on. It is reassuring to think that it's not just that you and I happen to be attractive in the same way to weird girls. It's probably just our thoughts, or maybe that the weird ones are the ones who come after us while the good ones are less "aggressive." I don't know, just more thoughts, lol.

It sounds like you're settling into some helpful thoughts and patterns. Winding down with a peaceful book sounds like a great practice to get into. I think it's also wise to be real about the benefits you get from your addiction. I think that helps you understand what healthy behaviors to replace them with so that you can really fill the same need.

And it's good that you're making a list of things you're excited about. I know porn always gets me more easily when I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. Keep reminding yourself that there are things to live for and look forward to and that porn is incompatible with, and you'll be moving in the right direction.

Forge ahead, my man!

 

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Thanks man! So loads of restless negative emotions. This is really sort of an urge. Like I"ll just feel kind of awful then I become aware like "man I'd like to pmo" and then a strong urge comes.

Anyways, it was a very intense feeling. I ran around the block, did some exercise circuits. Then finally went out to an event I got invited too, at first I felt awful but I had fun in the end. Now feeling not great but safe and good enough.

 

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Day 6. : )

Not too much to report. Had a bit of urges but I reviewed worksheet about giving up fantasy about girls etc. and that motivated me and made me realize I wanted to keep it this way, achieve the two week goal. I felt awake so I just took it easy and watched a funny comedy movie on the computer, I have been sleeping plenty so figured it'd be fine to sleep a little less for the night, happy with my decision for sure.

A little tired today etc. taking it easy this morning then will work out in a few hours

 

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Day 7!!!!

Morning wood this am. Had a great job interview. Looking at girls a lil too much and feeling "horny" but really thats like a pre urge. Feeling great but gotta be vigilant.

Glad the site is back! Was down, at least for me, yestarday

 

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Well good news and bad news:

Now it may sound ridiculous/ false advertising but.... I swear my ummm penis had increased in size. It literally has, well not necessarily increased but when fantasizing my penis was almost always looking the way it did in the cold. I almost forgot what this was like to have my normal penis just hanging there, I first noticed it in the shower a few days ago. It is really nice.

Bad news: The very promising job interview, I was told I'd be called back today and that hasn't happened. I was feeling so anxious the last few hours but at this point I think I can accept most likely I won't be contacted back. Disappointment is a part of life. Well, there is the possibility of a temp job I may be able to do coming up. And while I do that, I can look for something else and perhaps even try and recreate this business myself. Really one day I want to work for myself this sort of reaffirms that.

I was so anxious, I was so excited and sure this was my new job. But I am telling myself, one thing I did learn from 12 step "Trust God". I am not really religouse, but the general concept of just learning to trust that everything will be okay and if what I want to happen does not happen there is a great chance that something better is right around the corner. Still it hurts a little bit.

But, in setting all these goals for myself, I am realizing that I can do more then I think. This business, I can very easily do myself. (I am not talking a tech startup here, it's just providing a simple service....) If I set the goal, say get 5 clients and go out for like 4 hours a day for a week, I literally think I could get those 4 clients by giving out flyers, talking to doormen at buildings. Then just do a little extra study to make sure I can perform as I need to. I mean it's doable, just set the plan and execute it. I couldn't get as many clients as the woman who I thought would hire me does... BUT I'd make the same money in half the time...

Edit: May sound corny, but just thinking... if I actually did this, made the business work, for myself.... It'd be pretty damn cool to be  one of those awesome success stories of rebooting I've read in the "your brain on porn" in the book.

Like "Post reboot I really went for what I wanted, really went after my dreams have my own business now etc." lol . I still feel fear and like wish I get called and have the security of the job to start, but man gotta remind myself it is possible I can do it. One step at a time. It could be fate, not get the job I want but allow it to push me into working independently

 

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Well silly me, the job got back to me. Looks good lol. Still feel lots of anxiety, she asked for references and stuff. My brain is like "she doesn't believe me, doesn't want to hire me" etc. lol. Sounds familiar?

Anyways, was feeling anxiety again this evening, but read a lot of motivating stuff felt better, but had a mild urge to just reach in my pants and grab penis, caught it right away but MAN STAY VIGILANT!!!

Gotta maintain the motivation. Much would be lost with any kind of lapse. I think soon I will reach increased focus. Tomorrow am I will be through a full week.... How many times did I set that goal here? To do a week of 0 fantasy? It'll be amazing to finally get it done. I literally see physical effects (bigger flaccid penis) that I never before saw in the reboot!

 

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Day 8!

A little surreal really, it's pretty awesome. For me the not fantasizing about girls in bed, before bed for this long is pretty new territory. I think the only time I did this for this long was when I first learned of PIED and was super motivated etc. so it's great to be back to this. I am pretty sure I have been going through some withdrawal. Like been achy all the time and feel pretty consistent physical anxiety. It shows though there is a difference between feeling good and meaning/happiness. These feelings have stunk but they aren't bothering me too much because I know they will pass and I am on the right path and improving.

No morning wood today. All good though, it's been like every other day lately and I have heard even when fully healthy it depends on sleep cycles somewhat, ( i think?) though if I get it everyday I certainly won't complain!

 

[BlueHeronFan]

I was so anxious, I was so excited and sure this was my new job. But I am telling myself, one thing I did learn from 12 step "Trust God". I am not really religouse, but the general concept of just learning to trust that everything will be okay and if what I want to happen does not happen there is a great chance that something better is right around the corner. Still it hurts a little bit.

Like "Post reboot I really went for what I wanted, really went after my dreams have my own business now etc." lol . I still feel fear and like wish I get called and have the security of the job to start, but man gotta remind myself it is possible I can do it. One step at a time. It could be fate, not get the job I want but allow it to push me into working independently

Overall, it sounds like you're doing well, and that's awesome!

You know what you mean about these things, though. I'm definitely starting to think more about going for what I really want (instead of just settling for what I can get) and trusting that good things are coming my way. I have for a long time thought that I wasn't really good enough for anything so I just count myself lucky to get anything at all. But I'm learning that that's wrong.

Congrats on getting called back from that interview. They don't distrust you, just doing business as usual for them. You deserve good things, and they're coming your way! So go out and go for them!

 

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Thanks man!

I just went to a social sports thing and man did I have fun. We went to a bar afterward. I had fun but part of me was reflective and feeling like "man look how much fun people have at parties I really missed out on a lot, people seem to have a lot of experience in this environment' but you know what, I had some great experiences too and if I have lots of fun (in healthy ways!) in the coming years that is totally fine! One guy there must be 10 years older then me so there is plenty of time to have fun...

It defeinetly helped take the edge off the withdrawal. Job stage two went well. Looks like hopefully my life is coming together! I'll have a 9-5 job, that I can live with, even if it's not ambitous, then am building out some social events and stuff. I have like 3 things I really like already. It feels good. I am actually kind of looking forward to tomorrow for no reason in particular, a formerly rare feeling! Will plan to spend at least an hour or two finalizing goals, I think I can complete them tomorrow

 

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Day 9! Mild morning wood. Feeling good this am. I almost never felt good in the morning before, this current, cleaner/stricter version of the reboot has me feeling good in a decent chunk of the mornings. Feeling pretty good this am.

It has me thinking this awesome former navy seal, Jocko Willinick, has all these great books about discipline, living a good life etc. one of his books is called Discipline equals freedom, definetly see what he means. The discipline of strict reboot frees the mind and gives freedom to have the confidence happiness and energy to do more of what we want.

 

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Feeling good today but I sense it is make or break day. Thiughts of girls popping in head. Gotta up the MOTIVATION. What got me here is qutting fantasy

 

[BlueHeronFan]

I had fun but part of me was reflective and feeling like "man look how much fun people have at parties I really missed out on a lot, people seem to have a lot of experience in this environment' but you know what, I had some great experiences too and if I have lots of fun (in healthy ways!) in the coming years that is totally fine! One guy there must be 10 years older then me so there is plenty of time to have fun...

Man, I really relate to this. It's very easy for me to fall into feeling like I have fallen behind in life when I compare some aspects of my life to other people (especially socially/romantically). But there is no timeline. Nobody's like saying you have to have a wild, vibrant social life figured out by 23. Besides, I'm hyper aware of where I feel like I'm falling behind, but there are also a lot of areas of life where I could probably say I'm ahead of the game. We're really good at comparing our weak points to other people's strengths. It's flawed logic, but it's easy to do.

Feeling good today but I sense it is make or break day. Thiughts of girls popping in head. Gotta up the MOTIVATION. What got me here is qutting fantasy

Boom! Definitely get that motivation going! Just remember that fantasy is not a safe version of the drug. It's dangerous too, and your life is better without it. You're going places! Release the need for fantasy and live your real, awesome life (that's getting better all the time)!

 

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Thanks man! Man great concise quote about comparing our weaknesses to others strengths, I always forget that. For example this was a social sport league and many of the people played for years, and I was up there in terms of ability right away. I may have not had all the social experience but I spent tons of that time working in my athleticism! So I can focus on my strength. I was very comfortable happy, confident and social on the sports field! Man wild that I totally forgot all about the entire first half of the evening (my strengths, my comfort one) until you mentioned it.

Damn right, that is the key to remember fantasy is not a safe version The fact that I have had so much withdrawal cutting it out shows it was wreaking havoc on my brain.


Cool experience this evening. I went to a brief activity I felt like I wanted more stimulation but had no direction. I took the time to sit down and plan in a starbucks. I was writing a tiny bit and finally thought hmmmm what are my goals. I wrote out my 4 main goals.

They are financial, reboot related, fitness and getting organized and feeling in control. So I wrote them down and brainstormed actions I could take for each tonight. I found a few tiny actions I wrote them down I felt overwhelmed by them but I then did them all (each only took a few minutes) and felt great! I have read that about goals sometimes all it takes is tiny little actions toward them each day.

For example for financial I set the goal of applying to one gig/job as a backup. I applied to this research study that pays $150, thats nothing to sneeze at! Imagine I get picked just spending 10 minutes planning and 5 minutes executing would have earned me $150.....

Tomorrow'll be day 10. Looking forward to it and using it to step up! I can forget the 0 and treat it like it's day 1 of changing my life! Man oh man 14 days is close! It's by no means a finish line but it'll be cool to FINALLY set a very specific goal on here and actually achieve it. Withdrawal has been a little less each day too