My journal to recovery- Could use support


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Hey guys - made a youtube video that has some helpful stuff about quitting porn. Figured I'd toss it in my journal and maybe elsewhere
This is about the top 3 errors guys make. It's mostly about quitting porn but I named it nofap as using the word porn is not good on youtube I think. I believe these tips are super helpful - hope this forum is still alive!


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Lil update on me. I am on the right path. Dating a girl and another that is currently traveling - I expect that to resume when she returns as she has been nothing but really into me. ( How far I have come! Last summer when a girl I spent time with traveled I was "sure" she would meet someone else and lose interest).

At the moment I am working on doing lots of cognitive behavioral therapy to get my emotions/ underlying anxiety or pause straightened out. With the girl I am seeing I decided to take a week or two break from sex. I think just cuddling for a bit will be good for me to rewire ( and to make sure the sex doesn't get too porn like as it was).

Also - I am planning on working on BIG dreams. I am finding small "practical" goals don't do much for me. They stress me, I feel worried what I'll do after I achieve them, small ups and downs seem huge. A vision a dream seems to give me hope and inspiration. Besides, thinking to myself. I am an intelligent person I have shown tremendous initiative in my life ( like having horrible anxiety and introducing countless women as a teenager, totally a lone to build my confidence, or training 6 days a week to be able to beat bullies).

My point being why not set big goals? Being very successful, making a lot of money. Being able to support my mom so she can retire. There are people less smart and who had less initiative doing it, why not me? So yeah, it's a new beggining. I am 29 but I believe it's time to start creating a big vision for my future. I can be excited about it. Like a young teenager again planning out my life


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Holy crap - I feel awful.

Headache - achy. Super anxious. My face is twitching, like ultra anxious and ultra tired at the same time.

It sucks - BUT there is a silver lining. I remember feeling this way OFTEN in the early days of quitting porn. Now it is really rare. I am getting much stricter about cutting out fantasy - the aim of which - is to improve my sexual performance ( likely focus as well).

Anyways, I feel awful and can't sleep but nights like this are pretty rare. And I went through soo many nights like this so I can definetly do another. Normally I end up feeling better the next day.

I have been caffeine free - but I am thinking to re introduce it. Simply I seemed to make more life progress with caffeine. Able to get more dates, be more focused etc. Just have to manage my energy plan naps for when it wears off etc. But as now a big thing I want to work on is life progress I think the caffeine is a decent bet.

Are their downsides to caffine? Yes. But my priority, the priority that makes sense - is life progress and it seems that caffeine can help me.

My dating life is decent but last year when I first rebuilt it - caffeine aided me greatly. I am better with women when caffenated.

Whatever - main thing is I have felt like shit lately. Probably PAWS ( just brain being wonkey as it adjusts from having had a bad addiction - supposedly this can come and go for years) and perhaps caffeine can help me handle the systems. OR hey - maybe I just wake up feeling good tomorrow we'll see, whatever I am gonn have a good day tomorrow.


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Lil update - Been doing better cutting the fantasy - just basically putting the work in.

Was with a girl like 30 min ago penis definetly more sensitive.

Kind of looking forward to writting my success story - I am getting close!

Dating 3 girls now. Dating life is pretty dang good. Met a new one I am really interested in. Finances/ education are next. ( Working on getting a degree! Better late then never)


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Quick update : the work is so worth it guys.

had probably the best sex ever in my life . Wow it was great. Felt a great connection, long lasting erection, totally present. Wow.

Improvement will be continuing and perhaps up and down but it's so nice to have a great experience like that. Basically exactly what I was hoping for with this whole rebooting project.

barely slept that night ( just lot of great sex and intimacy with the girl) but still felt great. Gonna just keep at it. The lesson is persist, good sex and erections etc can take a hell of a lot longer then 90 days but is even more worth the work then you'd imagine


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Hmmm - so with one of the girls I am seeing we sexted a bit and then did some sexual stuff that was a bit too porn like.

Notice my erection is less good after - like it activates the porn pathways. So attacking this now, is a big step.

Almost like success and some complacence. But now complacence is a much higher quality problem then before - having to adjust my sex life with real people to make sure it doesn't activate bs addiction pathways


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Update: So much stricter now. No more sexting.

Saw girl last night ( different one)

Wow it was great - really good sex and intimacy. Was a little lazy in the morning laying around in bed, but overall it was really nice. Just lots of cuddling and stuff.

Aiming to start seeing more girls but part of me also wants to see this girl more - will see.

Overall life's pretty good.

Having a working dick rocks.

Dating women rocks.

Successfully achieving what you set out to do rocks.

Nice for me to remember where I came from - as if I was able to beat this, I'll be able to get success in business also.

Winning is possible - Get out of the "streaks" mindset and win.


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Hey lil update. Was tempted to fantasize but it'd lower my erection quality .
I met a lovely girl
Yesterday -

I have set a goal to have sex with a new woman ( I have two semi regular sex partners)

Man when I opened my journal it was accidentally to the first page and I was BlueHeronFan responding with support- miss that guy!
We posted in each others journals near a year. Kind of sad I think - we had a group of 3 guys starting off and I am the only one left. Well at least I made it and maybe they did too but just left the forum


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Hey guys.

So a few challenges

Sexting and fantasy

One of the girls I am/was seeing we sometimes sext and I got compulsive with it, it can sometimes be a similar reaction to porn, though not nearly as bad. I discussed the issue with her. But she is very "open minded" so some of the sexting was going into a zone that I'd prefer it did not.

I also was fantasizing a long side this. So this lasted a couple of days.

I also notice my mind has been giving me a good amount of automatic negative thoughts lately.
Working to aim to put more positive into my mind. Meditation was very good, but I was letting the habit slip a bit. So getting back on that.

I think optimism is important. I have mostly been seeing the one girl lately BUT thought I like her and care for her - I am not satisfied. Like she's not someone I could see myself being with exclusively. I like and care about her - but I think to other women I have met and my desire for them was higher.

This is okay - as she understands we are dating casually. But I have been feeling some doubt about my dating. Pessimistic.

I have come to the conclusion that my mindset is a self fulfilling prophecy .... I keep getting women's numbers and texting or something back and forth but then they don't respond when I try and get them to hang out.

And I get this " I can never get a girl feeling" which is crazy as I used to get these thoughts and have dated several girls since then....

Anyways - funny thing - the prettiest girl I went on a date with last summer..... she had mentioned hanging out with her "girlfriend"
I literally thought she was a lesbian and were just hanging out as friends. And I texted her accordingly.

She showed up for the ... what it turned out WAS a date... and it went very well.

With new girls I feel in the back of my mind they don't want to hang out/ they will flake. And I believe small things I do in how I text and word things ( I do voice messages also) is communicating this and creating a self fulfiling prophecy. I am almost certain this is true.

Like I was texting with a girl who was sooo into me and chasing me. I felt like we had to hang out soon or we wouldn't. So I invited her for the next day and was like apologetic that it was last notice and if she couldn't make it we could do another day.

She waited awhile to answer and said she was busy for next few weeks - no response after.

Self - fulfiling prophecy!

To up my dating life ( this'll apply to my career also) .

I have to put time into my mind/ mindset. And just expect women to come on dates with me , while not really caring much, being optimistic and having faith even if they can't show up the first time AND finally being patient. Get girls numbers, enjoy being in touch for a long time and set up dates as they come.

Funny enough... the two girls I have been seeing I think we both hung out over a week after we met. So gonna start slowing down being patient. Get girls numbers be in zero rush to set up a date. This'll also be good so I am not burning through numbers and can feel more of a sense of abundance.

I am very confident this is the correct path and look forward to meeting more women soon and being patient.

So my upcoming actions :

Control my mind and believe women want to hang with me and concurrently it doesn't really matter if they do .

Tackle - fantasy , sexting and occasional unhealthy porn inspired sex. Essentially as a next level of improvement.

I view it as : I tackled my porn addiction - stopped doing that - tackled masturbation - stopped doing that. But occasionally slip into porn fantasy and to bad sexting .

In fact a few nights ago I felt almost a close call to mo - which is very rare.

#1 trigger is one you wouldn't expect......
trying to cut out all sex fantasy. I often fantasize about sex at night. I see very few ill effects ( there is a huge difference between sex fantasy and porn fetish fantasy - trust me there is no gray area I fully know the difference)
I have repeatedly made the error of trying to cut out all sex fantasy but after a week or so I reboung into porn fantasy. SO - just stop trying to do that. Nothing wrong with healthy sex fantasy ESPECIALLY since I do have real sex successfully and it's grounded in reality.

A bit of stream of conciousness writing but feels good.... For old times sake I am considering being active in this journal again - I was reading my early posts and miss it a bit. That was kind of fun, writing all the time hearing from other guys etc.


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Had a nice morning. I was a bit easy with myself in a good way. I have been wanting to just relax and read - usually I like doing this in the evening but had kept falling asleep. I laid in bed and occasionally closed my eyes and rested it was really nice.

I'd been feeling not so calm for a few days and perhaps part of it is as simple as just slowing down and doing almost nothing for a nice chunk of today.

Also it is cool to see my progress..... laying in bed used to be dangerous, now not so much


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Had a nice victory today - kept me cool in a tense situation. Really want to keep that in mind. I can often be cool in tense situations, I want to incorporate that into my self image.

Meditation was lovely and so was visualizing. A very winning combination for me