Hell's cowboy - riding the bucking bronco into sexual freedom

Day 26.

Many of my best friends from high school were in town this week, and we hung out a lot. It was a highly inspiring and reinvigorating experience.

1) one of my friends has been vegan for a few years and runs 60 miles a week. I'm extremely impressed and feel like I absorbed some serious empowerment just from being around him. In particular I got a burrito in his style - rice, beans, guacamole, and fries - and it was really good. I want in to that kind of power. I walked 8 miles yesterday and ran this morning, just 1.5 miles. I want to do 5 miles this week, maybe add 1 or 2 miles every week.

2) I remembered more about the power of masculinity. I abandoned masculinity when I took up feminism, which wasn't really necessary but I was happy to go with it at the time. But it ended up turning me into a lot of turmoil, and I lost one of my great sources of internal strength and power. Due to emotional work ive done for a few years, I feel much less self doubt, much less shame. I'm here to reclaim these inner resources from a good place, without any misogynist baggage. It feels good inside to do so. There's a lot for me to explore here, especially around heterosexuality in particular. I don't know how my partner will feel about this. She's very politically queer and rejects most gendered thinking, although I've sometimes felt and appreciated a strong feminine-masculine polarity in our sexual connection. I feel inclined to explore this all energetically with her before bringing in the gender language specifically, and in any case it's the energy I want, not the language.

In strength,
KZ
 
Day 29. Ran 3.5 miles yesterday, had a fantastic eve with the lady, and we had a very sexy connection time, which sealed the deal for me, I'm a believer. I'm responsible for my own sexual energy, and the strength and assertiveness and independence and drive and fire that derive from within. If I'm feeling sexy in myself, that's where connecting sexy is going to come from.

I guess this morning I'm wondering about what it looks like to live this way. Long term. In balance...with fire and water and earth, the balance of that inner fire with restfulness and peace. Not to swing between unsustainable highs and bottomed out blahs...or perhaps precisely to swing, to ride the waves, to go up when the spirit moves me, to let things become tired and familiar when the season comes, and to know without anxiety that when I'm ready, I can fire on all engines back into virility, into power, into innerr strength.

As a provisional compromise just for this morning, I'm walking 3.5 miles instead of running. Rest day!
 
Day 30. Actual rest day today, no running or walking. I was sore as hell yesterday, needed an Epsom salt bath and 2-3 stretching breaks throughout the day. I'll start the cycle back up tomorrow...1.5, 2.5, then 3.5 miles.
 
Just a quick note. I'm at a day 0 over here, in a relapse period.

I'm still running and I'm trying on a little vegan phase. I'm in some creativity..things aren't all lost.

Maybe the recent return of the damn pornbrain is at work here to some extent. I'm feeling frustrated with my partner. I'm feeling at a moment of creative inspiration and lift in my life and she's in a depressed funk again. She feels bad about herself and pathetic for watching tv all day, etc. 95% of the time it's easy for me to support her in these times. Yet right now I'm frustrated with her and can't find it in me. I want more from her. I feel frustrated. I want more from our relationship. I want her sexuality, I want her desire, I want her life force energy. yet she feels like a bit of a dark pit. so I can't really be honest with her about my feelings either cause it will just make her feel more like shit about herself?

Damn karmic cycles. I felt basically exactly this way when I decided to dump my last partner, similarly about 2 years in. I felt like I was really learning a lot about how to approach all this differently. Yet I feel like I'm in the exact same place. Driving me fucking nuts.
 
I feel like if we just had a good fuck id feel a lot more nonchalant about this tension, but I also want to acknowledge for myself that I want more sexual connection with her than an occasional fuck, I want to feel like energy in our connection more, I want her to flirt with me, I want her to feel her own sexuality and move with it in the world and then share it with me from her own fullness. I feel like her cup is empty so much of the time, I just have to accept the drops she can spill my way when she manages to find some.

I feel like ive let myself settle for this small vision of my life, of my sexuality, and maybe that's sanity, maybe it's sanity to lose the crazymaking ambition and desire and fantasy and just settle in with someone sweet whatever comes, and live with it. I don't know if it's too much to ask for more.
 
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