Hello Rebooters, I am back once again.
My life is a little bit more stable now, but of course I still have things that are stressing me out and making me want to head right back to PMO. I need to learn to stop waiting for "the right time" and make the time I have count. I reached a low a few months ago again and was feeling suicidal, but I told my counselor and doctor about it and now I'm properly medicated.
I purchased a vibrator, which lead to several days of multiple-hour binges with PMO, and a loss of sensitivity in my clitoris. I live alone now, which has been a blessing but also a curse in that I can sleep for 20 hours a day without anyone knowing, and I can watch porn basically any time it crosses my mind. I discovered a new favourite "channel" and actress, which added to the struggle, for sure.
I really don't like what my porn preferences say about me. I got hooked on videos of women acting younger than they are, often with older men or men who tower over them. I definitely don't have 'daddy-issues' (I have a great relationship with my dad) but these videos make me feel like something is wrong with me ... you know, other than the addiction and the depression.
On an important and exciting side note - I had sex. It was very emotional and stressing and overwhelming considering my past traumas, but also really special. I'm only starting to understand how porn has impacted that part of things, so I'm sure I'll write more about that in the future.
Any way, it's good to be back. I have a lot of reading to catch up on around here!
