Women's Addiction

chiefmitch88

Active Member
Hey Kaybee,

I'm glad your're back. You are right that you need to remind yourself of your value. Keep trying.

Also, remember that you always have a choice when you use. Yes, there are difficult days but it is still ultimately your decision. That path, no matter how comforting an escape, leads us to believe that we are less than. When you aren't using it is much easier to believe it when you tell yourself, "I am enough."

Peace and Love to you Sister!
 

CrateDane

Active Member
Its good to see you back and motivated even if the reasoning is a bleak one.
Im really happy that you went to the support group and that you feel really good going there, as I said it was super important and helpful for me when I needed it.
Stay strong Ms BaPoWaWo! :)
 

kaybee

Active Member
CrateDane, Congrats on 90 days!!

Thanks for welcoming me back with open cyberarms, everyone :)
I finally have some information on the date of my hearing with the University. It will be coming up in 3-4 weeks. I took yesterday off school just to get my thoughts together, and today I have my support group. I baked muffins for them. I'm simultaneously trying not to think about the incident, and obsessing over it. So that's fun. I really don't know how I'm going to keep up with my school work right now; it's getting to be a problem for me. My counselor and I also came across the fact that I seem to be afraid of being alone... which I feel is pretty connected to why I went back to the cams. The night I found out about the hearing I just cried and cried and tried to find people to be with, but I was all alone. I tried asking a guy I've been seeing who knows the situation vaguely to come over, but he was not prepared for that challenge. Eventually I was able to talk things over with C.  I feel like I'm becoming a burden to him. I hate asking for help all the time.
On pornographic side of things, I've been doing very well. I find that when I'm scared or anxious (which I've been feeling about the hearing) I don't have as many urges to watch it. The warning signs I have to watch for are: apathy towards the topic, low-self esteem, feeling rejected, and straight up arousal. I feel like I will have to be on guard for this at all times, and keep two steps ahead of myself if I want to fight this while I'm distracted with everything else going on.
Something for me to be happy about is I finally seem to be making female friends. There are a few girls in my group I can see a friendship forming with, and I now have a solid female friend in school and at work. This is new for me! I like it!
 

chiefmitch88

Active Member
Great news about the new found friendships Kaybee. I too found that I squashed my loneliness with P and online chatting. I squashed many feelings by using but loneliness was probably chief among them. It took me a while to realize that my "fix" only exacerbated the problem. I isolated more so that I could get more of what could never satisfy me, which is the exact opposite of what I truly needed. I too now find myself craving some intimate and heartfelt conversation with people. While I still feel self-conscious sometimes about engaging in conversation with new people I have come to find that the feeling of guilt and shame are far worse than a brief moment of nervousness about the potential of rejection. After practicing at socializing I came to understand that most of those fears I had regarding rejection were fabricated in my own neurotic mind. Also, I came to understand that people who judge or react without empathy definitely have problems of their own they are dealing with, and it is by no means a reflection upon my shortcomings.

Peace and Love
 

kaybee

Active Member
I PMOed to softcore yesterday. I don't even enjoy softcore. In this case the reason I stumbled was I have a date coming up tonight and I already explicitly told him that I don't think we should be physical.  My mind and heart agree, but you guys know how it is. Anyways, I got excited thinking about this date and then felt frustrated because I knew it would not become physical, even though that is my choice. I rationalized those feelings to mean that I deserved to PMO to 'get rid of the tension'. I also told myself that if it was just softcore then I could lie to you and pr?tend it didn't happen. So here is me not lying.
 

chiefmitch88

Active Member
You had a slip, we all have. Sounds like you have identified your triggers. You now have the knowledge to face the trigger when it comes around next time. The addict in my head had plenty of clever lies to get me to use. Seek progress Kaybee, not perfection.
 

ntg2978

Active Member
You found a trigger, good job!  You're one step closer to beating this thing.  Don't go the route of trying to stay away from all things sexual; I mean we are sexual beings, and therefore sexual interactions are natural.  In the future, I would not tell someone that you are or are not going to be physical (this would appear strange to me if someone told me this); just let nature take its course.  If you feel you don't want to be physical, cool, just set a boundary for yourself, and stick to it.  If you tell him you don't want to get physical, this just broadcasts that you have had a problem in the past with getting physical, and you need his cooperation to make sure it doesn't happen again....some guys will take advantage of this.  Keep going, dust yourself off and get right back on the horse, and goodonya for being honest.
 

nomox3

Member
Hey, it's good to see you back! I mean, as far as that goes any ways. It would be great if none of us were addicts and we didn't have to be here in the first place! But aside from that, glad you haven't given up.

I cannot even begin to pretend that I know what you are feeling concerning God, because of what you have been through. I remember when I was 7 or so, watching a guy almost rape my sister. She was a teen at the time. I ran to the house and grabbed a knife to defend her, but the guy told me that he would use it on me if I tried any thing. He was the son of the sheriff. I felt completely helpless for my sister. This happened to her on top of my dad molesting her also.

The helplessness that I felt couldn't hold a candle to how she must have felt. I said all this to say that what ever anger you feel towards God is understandable. If we are honest, we can't completely say that God is free of any blame here. But in keeping with that same honest, we have to acknowledge that though good allowed these horrible things to happen, He didn't make them happen. And He most definitely didn't want them to happen.

God loves you, and He places a very high value on you. In fact you are priceless to Him. He created us for His love. Knowing that God is for us and not against us makes it difficult to understand why He allows such painful things to happen. And the answer is in free will. We have a choice in what we do the same way my sister rapist had a choice. It may not bring comfort, but for good to allow us free will, He had to allow them free will also.

I take comfort in knowing that God is perfectly just. The old testament says the phrase "mercy and truth" a lot. That speaks to God Grace, and His justice. Your attacker will be held accountable. God executes perfect justice. And that God for His Grace also!

Sorry for the sermon.

You have value beyond words. You are capable and bold.You may fear being alone, but that is just the trauma and PTSD talking.

Any ways, I'm praying for you. Remember that being angry is not a sin. The bible says, "be angry and do not sin" it also says that God will never leave you or forsake you.
 

kaybee

Active Member
Thank you for sharing that, nomox3. My heart goes out to your sister. How is her life today? I hope that it's happier than her childhood. And I know that must have been torture for you to not be able to stop it. Your message had a lot  of things in it that I didn't want to hear, but that I needed to be reminded of. So thanks.

ntg said:
In the future, I would not tell someone that you are or are not going to be physical (this would appear strange to me if someone told me this); just let nature take its course. 
Haha that's not quite how it went. We both agreed that we had moved too fast, and I suggested that we take things slow for a while. Personally, I don't think that's weird.

Well, I try not to only come back when I mess up, but here I am again. I relapsed yesterday, and that wasn't the first time since I last posted. The good news is I only watched part of one video before becoming absolutely disgusted with the porn industry and with myself. I hate that I drag myself into that cesspool over and over again. It repulses me on every level to see women being dishonoured like that, and to watch men act like cruel animals. I cannot wait to be done with porn for good. This addiction makes me think of how meth addicts will claw their own skin off looking for bugs that aren't there. Then they'll sober up and want to get high and do it all again. I feel like I'm clawing out chunks of my brain with this shit, but then I want to do it all again as soon as I'm triggered. Fuck pornography.
Seriously, even as I write this, I'm tempted.
 

plotox

Member
Hello Kaybee!

I just wanted to say that it is a small beacon of light to see a woman post about her struggle with PMO. As a male, I often feel that most women would not be able to understand what it is like to be addicted to PMO, and it feels wonderful to be proven wrong!

As you can see, we both relapsed very recently...damn. But life goes on!

If we didn't believe that was true, why would we be on this site posting to strangers about our struggles and getting the support we are looking for? To me (and to be honest, I am just realizing this now) it must prove that it really is true! If we didn't believe we could change, and truly conquer this PMO habit, we wouldn't even be trying, but alas, here we are. For me, it is 2:00 AM and I have spent the last couple hours regaining confidence to continue my reboot.

Today Kaybee, I am confidently committing to my 20 day goal of no PMO to you personally, because you are a woman, and because you know what it is like to struggle. The truth is, all men who struggle with PMO owe it to women everywhere. The reverse is also true. Women owe it to all men, so that we can try to normalize our sexuality and attitudes towards women. With that said, I humbly ask you to dedicate 20 days to me. I will be very pleased if you accept, but if not, my reboot for the next 20 days still goes out to you!

I also, am tempted as I type, but it makes the effort all the more valiant.

To finish...If some guy can go for 40 days in the desert resisting food, water, even all the power in the earth, then who's to say we can't resist PMO for 20 days?

Take care Kaybee!
 

ntg2978

Active Member
Kaybee said:
Haha that's not quite how it went. We both agreed that we had moved too fast, and I suggested that we take things slow for a while. Personally, I don't think that's weird.
Naw, I don't think that's weird either, I guess I misunderstood the situation.  I thought you meant that before you guys had gotten physical at all, you said that to him; if you're both agreeing to slow down, then it makes perfect sense.

Kaybee said:
It repulses me on every level to see women being dishonoured like that, and to watch men act like cruel animals. I cannot wait to be done with porn for good.  This addiction makes me think of how meth addicts will claw their own skin off looking for bugs that aren't there. Then they'll sober up and want to get high and do it all again. I feel like I'm clawing out chunks of my brain with this shit, but then I want to do it all again as soon as I'm triggered. Fuck pornography.
Seriously, even as I write this, I'm tempted.

My advice would be to stop trying to stay away from it, the more you try to do something, the more you invariably fuck it up.  If you try to hold a cup steady while pouring, you'll spill.  If you try to talk confidently, you'll fumble your words.  If you try to stay away from porn, you'll relapse.  It's the law of reduced effort; the harder you try at something, the worse it gets.  Relax, stop trying, learn some meditation or visualization exercises (breath ones are really good).  The best way to beat this thing is to take your focus off of it entirely, and put it on something else.  If you have a gym membership, go to the gym.  If you get a craving and the gym is not open, go run.  Do something physical, because a lot of times, the triggers are built-up energy.  Deep breathing helps too, learning how to convert sexual energy (hot energy) into neutral energy (cool energy).

In psych, they have a principle that says the mind does not understand a negative.  This means that if you say you don't want to fall, you're focusing on falling, and probably will fall.  Instead, foucs on an ideal end result, and put your attention & focus on it instead.  So, stop saying you don't want to relapse, and start saying you want to get a better body, or you want to finish a book, or you want to learn a new hobby, you get the idea.

 
M

mtaha2015

Guest
welcome aboard kaybee.
3 days with no P and fantasy is a great progress.
stay strong and clean.
work for your good future.
 

kaybee

Active Member
I'm not doing well right now. I went back to the cams last night. I've been watch P a lot lately and hooking up with so many guys that I'm scaring myself. I feel really out of control.
 

Nessie

New Member
Hi Kaybee!

Unfortunately I don't have time (and skills xD) to write a long reply right now, but nevertheless I want to tell you not to let you go!

For what concerns cams, have you ever try to put your pc in a "less private" place in your home, like your living room for example? This could help also with porn (a part for viewing them using tablets/smarphones of course).

You can help a lot of people here! At least you're forcing me to write in pseudo-English :)
Try to keep your journal updated even when thigs are going great. We are interested in your life and to help you to overcome these troubles.

Don't give up! Please let cams be your past, not your future!

P.S.: I hope I was at least slightly understandable! :)
 

Yelashade

Member
Hey Kaybee,

Long time no chat. From what I've seen so far, you've been struggling a lot really. You know what I've found, since going off P so long? It's not the act or the triggers so much, but the mental issues we deal with. You're under a lot of stress and with being sexually assaulted, college, this and that... it's all becoming a bit too much.

ntg is right: you're trying too hard to not watch P and you're not addressing the issues at hand directly. That should be your starting point in your MENTAL recovery. Only then can you truly close out your affiliation with P. You've gone through a period of no PMO, so you've seen the benefits. Are YOU ready to see those benefits again? Ready being the subjective word here, of course. When you are, you'll want it more and more.

I hope you find your way again :)
 
Oh my goodness.  Thank God you're still here with us!  I really appreciated your story.  Your post is literally the first female post I've read.  I wasn't sure what women were going through as opposed to the male side of things.  Thank you so much for sharing.  It is a very good thing for men to see what's happening with women. 

Good share.

Sincerely,

powerlift225
 

J

Active Member
Kaybee said:
I'm not doing well right now. I went back to the cams last night. I've been watch P a lot lately and hooking up with so many guys that I'm scaring myself. I feel really out of control.

Hi Kaybee. I want to say that whatever is going on, we are here for you. I am a woman who became addicted to this monster when I was in my 20's. What seemed like an innocent viewing became an escape for all the crap that was happening in my life. Although I am not someone who suffered from any sexual abuse, I did grow up with an alcoholic father and a mother who did her best to protect me from a broken home. We went from having everything to losing it all. A lot of my families emotional burden eventually fell on my shoulders, me being the youngest. It's hard to be forced to grow up quickly.

You are dealing with a lot of baggage. What I want to say is don't take on that burden alone. Whenever we  deal in porn in any shape or form, we are really delaying dealing with the real issues. They are painful to go through, but it's even worse to let them take over.

I was recently looking at some videos about porn addiction when I stumbled on a talk offered by Shelly Ludden, an ex-porn star now dedicated to rescuing those in the industry and with addictions. After viewing this video I feel like a huge tub of ice cold water has been dropped on me. It really is a powerful video, which I have posted the link here.

I hope you find this as helpful as I have.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=xGdMi-oC9nM
 

kaybee

Active Member
I'm back. I'm not sure if my heart is in this yet, but I feel like I'm at an okay place mentally to start trying again. Saturday is going to be my one year mark for my assault. I feel a little more distanced from everything now. I'm in my internship for teaching right now, and everything is topsy-turvy with stress and emotions, but when is life not like that? So yeah. Let's give this a go. Porn free.
 
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